It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020
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The teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as an Air Force Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply try to continue with the lesson . . . .
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Kevin's hooker."
Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as an Air Force Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply try to continue with the lesson . . . .
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Kevin's hooker."
FOTFLMAO. DW is staring at me right now wondering why I’m laughing so hard.
brewer12345
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What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
Newventurer
Recycles dryer sheets
Did you hear the one about the guy who posted on the ER forum that you could make a risk free 12% return on your investment?
ownyourfuture
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A little dark humor from a list of the greatest bumper stickers of all time.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming & yelling like the passengers in his car....
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming & yelling like the passengers in his car....
MRG
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A TCP packet walks into a bar and says "I'd like a beer".
The bartender replies "you want a beer?"
The TCP packet replies "Yes I'd like a beer".
The bartender replies "you want a beer?"
The TCP packet replies "Yes I'd like a beer".
TromboneAl
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Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?
A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
RetireBy90
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
My Zipper
Sorry if this was already posted. Was forwarded by my other source so wanted to post here.
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting
for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped
and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt
was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the
first step of the busSlightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still
couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time she attempted the step, and once again,
much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little
smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a littlemore and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
screeched, "How dare you touch my body!I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I
would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three
times, I kinda figured we was friends."
Sorry if this was already posted. Was forwarded by my other source so wanted to post here.
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting
for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped
and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt
was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the
first step of the busSlightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still
couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time she attempted the step, and once again,
much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little
smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a littlemore and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
screeched, "How dare you touch my body!I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I
would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three
times, I kinda figured we was friends."
Last edited by a moderator:
RetireBy90
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Aging Logic
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne. Life is great.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne. Life is great.
CoolRich59
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Brat
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!"
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!"
Nemo2
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After my recent Prostate Exam, which was the most thorough I've
ever had, the Doctor left and the nurse came in.
As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to
hear.
She said, "Who Was That Guy?"
ever had, the Doctor left and the nurse came in.
As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to
hear.
She said, "Who Was That Guy?"
Nemo2
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In a similar, but unrelated, vein:
Oz investor
Full time employment: Posting here.
wasn't Bernie Madoff was it ??
The Irish never hesitate to come to the aid of their fellow man, air passengers in this case!
Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued:
"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight.”
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:
"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued:
"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight.”
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:
"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
Oz investor
Full time employment: Posting here.
curses ... i missed that flight , i probably could have drunk that plane dry
Hong Kong to London had Cathay Pacific worried enough , i sampled the entire list TWICE
Hong Kong to London had Cathay Pacific worried enough , i sampled the entire list TWICE
CoolRich59
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TromboneAl
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I enjoyed that, and it reminds me of how funny and interesting Buddy Hacket was, but ...
I don't get it. I mean I get the idea of the joke in general, but I don't understand why someone would want four testicles.
TromboneAl
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Nemo2
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Because, from the dialogue, it would appear that they are performance enhancers?
Yes, the new one is out! The brand new edition of You know you're a redneck when..
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8 You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat
12.. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhoodand does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8 You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat
12.. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhoodand does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
MRG
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^^^^^
Dear Lord I know a guy that did all of those and more!
Dear Lord I know a guy that did all of those and more!
REWahoo
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give
"911, what is your emergency?"
"My wife just collapsed in our front yard, I need an ambulance!"
"What is your address?"
"5639 Eucalyptus St."
"Can you spell that for me?
Short pause...
"I'm gonna drag her over to Oak street and you can pick her up there."
"My wife just collapsed in our front yard, I need an ambulance!"
"What is your address?"
"5639 Eucalyptus St."
"Can you spell that for me?
Short pause...
"I'm gonna drag her over to Oak street and you can pick her up there."
RetireBy90
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
The war of 1812 at walmart
Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veteran cap to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in
particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired,
trips to "Wally World" to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic
relief.
Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent
the establishment.
But, I digress, . . enough of my psychological fixations.
While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early
thirties, asked, "Are you a Viet Nam Vet?"
"No," I replied.
"Then why are you wearing that cap?"
"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812 . . ."
I thought it was a snappy retort.
"The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"
God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity . . "1946", I answered,
as straight-faced as possible.
He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of
1812 if it was in 1946?"
"It was a Black Op Mission . No one is supposed to know about it."
This was beginning to become fun!
"Dude! Really?" He exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"
I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice
said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."
"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously
awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"
"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage."
The moron nodded knowingly.
"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this.
It's still classified 'Top Secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."
"Oh yeah?" he gave me the 'don't threaten me look . . "Like, what's gonna’ happen
if I do?"
With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want
anything to happen to them, would we?"
The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. The lady
behind me started laughing so hard I thought she was about to have a heart attack.
I just grinned at her.
After checking out and going to the parking lot, I saw dimwit leaning in a car
window talking to a young woman.
Upon catching sight of me, he started pointing excitedly in my direction.
Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned
kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.
And these people VOTE!
What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back, wearing my Homeland Security cap.
Then the next day I will go to the driver's license bureau wearing my Border Patrol
hat, and see how long it takes to empty the place.
Whoever said retirement is boring? You just need to wear the right kind of cap!
Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veteran cap to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in
particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired,
trips to "Wally World" to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic
relief.
Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent
the establishment.
But, I digress, . . enough of my psychological fixations.
While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early
thirties, asked, "Are you a Viet Nam Vet?"
"No," I replied.
"Then why are you wearing that cap?"
"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812 . . ."
I thought it was a snappy retort.
"The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"
God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity . . "1946", I answered,
as straight-faced as possible.
He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of
1812 if it was in 1946?"
"It was a Black Op Mission . No one is supposed to know about it."
This was beginning to become fun!
"Dude! Really?" He exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"
I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice
said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."
"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously
awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"
"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage."
The moron nodded knowingly.
"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this.
It's still classified 'Top Secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."
"Oh yeah?" he gave me the 'don't threaten me look . . "Like, what's gonna’ happen
if I do?"
With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want
anything to happen to them, would we?"
The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. The lady
behind me started laughing so hard I thought she was about to have a heart attack.
I just grinned at her.
After checking out and going to the parking lot, I saw dimwit leaning in a car
window talking to a young woman.
Upon catching sight of me, he started pointing excitedly in my direction.
Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned
kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.
And these people VOTE!
What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back, wearing my Homeland Security cap.
Then the next day I will go to the driver's license bureau wearing my Border Patrol
hat, and see how long it takes to empty the place.
Whoever said retirement is boring? You just need to wear the right kind of cap!
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