It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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Football season is getting closer!

--The Jewish Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears, The only thing missing was a good quarterback He scouted and scouted but couldn't find a quarterback who could give the Bears a shot at a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching the news he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!” the coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!”

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl

The young man is hailed as a great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom" he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl !"

"I don't want to talk to you", the old woman says. “You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mom," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans.”

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!”

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,.........."I’ll never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !"
 
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber takes a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened If he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "You just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.."
 
Worst Foursome

Ok, finally it is Thursday. From a friend's friend

WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF HISTORY
1. STORMY DANIELS

2. O. J. SIMPSON

3. TED KENNEDY

4. BILL CLINTON


WHY, YOU ASK




1. STORMY IS A HOOKER

2. O. J. IS A SLICER

3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND

4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST



 
Suicide Counseling

One more

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.
A filthy tramp wandering along the ridge stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won’t matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?”




She screamed, “NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard! ”




He shrugged and turned away saying,




"Okay, ... I’ll just go and wait at the bottom.”




... She didn’t jump.
 
RetireBy90 said:
One more

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.
A filthy tramp wandering along the ridge stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won’t matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?”




She screamed, “NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard! ”




He shrugged and turned away saying,




"Okay, ... I’ll just go and wait at the bottom.”




... She didn’t jump.
Click to expand...

That is just a bit more than disturbing.
 
RetireBy90 said:
Ok, finally it is Thursday. From a friend's friend

WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF HISTORY
1. STORMY DANIELS

2. O. J. SIMPSON

3. TED KENNEDY

4. BILL CLINTON


WHY, YOU ASK




1. STORMY IS A HOOKER

2. O. J. IS A SLICER

3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND

4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST
Click to expand...
Since your joke leads off with Stormy Daniels, wouldn't it be a lot funnier if it was Donald Trump that couldn't remember which hole he played last?
 
travelover said:
Since your joke leads off with Stormy Daniels, wouldn't it be a lot funnier if it was Donald Trump that couldn't remember which hole he played last?
Click to expand...

+1
plus he seems to play golf more than Bill. We are talking about golf aren't we?
 
No political reference here!

Subject: Jewish Mistress

A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, Who was that? Oh, replies the husband, she's my mistress. Well, that's the last straw, says the wife. I've had enough, I want a divorce! I can understand that, replies her husband, but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.

Just then, a mutual friend (Moishe) enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. Who's that woman with Moishe? asks the wife. That's his mistress, says her husband.

Ours is prettier, she replies.
 
I like old fashioneds. Mint juleps one day a year as well.

Here's a young lady instructing how to make same. I think some of her measurements are a bit off. Some feller who swears a lot does commentary - some of it cracks me up.

 
School Upgrade!

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students.

The teacher asked, 'Harry, what exactly is your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms.Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9..'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'Y’know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, 'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions..'

The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.....’

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets..’ to the Principal’s great relief…..

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open..

Ms.. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied,'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question……


Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, " Put the little bastard in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself..."
 
A woman asks what it takes to become a Baptist. Was told you have to believe in Jesus and own a 9x13 casserole dish.
 
I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer
down to the bar to do some data entry.

I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender, ‘What’s the wi-fi password?’

Bartender: ‘You need to buy a drink first.’

Me: ‘Okay, I’ll have a beer.’

Bartender: ‘We have Corona on tap.’

Me: ‘Sure. How much is that?’

Bartender: ‘$8.00.’

Me: ‘Here you are. OK now, what’s the wifi password?’

Bartender: ‘ “youneedtobuyadrinkfirst”; No spaces and all lowercase.’
 
The thread on marriage reminded me of these two:

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

---------------------------------------------------------

A man brings his best friend home for dinner, unannounced, at 5.30 p.m. after work.

His wife screams at him as he and his friend walk in the front door...........

"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas, and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!

What the hell did you bring him home for?"

The husband calmly replied -

"Because he's thinking of getting married."
 
My brother-in-law took an early buyout from his job with Oscar Meyer, the hot dog company. Now he lives year-round in an RV in northern Minnesota, not far from the Canadian border. He survives on a lifetime supply of Oscar Meyer wieners he received as part of that buyout.

Does he complain about living in an RV during the winter?

Yep, mostly about his buns getting cold.
__________________
 
A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry, sir, but that's a personal issue."

The man replies, "Listen buddy, I can’t get the window open and that's a maintenance issue".
 
Aging Logic

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very
wise.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne. Life is great.

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.

Now, I’m wondering…did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?
 
Irishman at Confession

An Irishman was going to confession and inside he found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be"

He replied,
"You moron, you're on my side
 
I heard one similar to the one (in the video above) about the 3-legged chicken, but it was different in this manner:
The farmer says he was raising 4-legged chickens.
The salesman says, "But that chicken only had 3 legs."
Then the farmer says, "A chicken like that you don't eat all at once!"
 
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