It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[Walt34]

What really happens to that sample:

 

[NW-Bound]

What's the difference between love and marriage?


Love is blind.

Marriage is an eye-opener.

 

[NW-Bound]

A woman complained to her friend: "My husband and I argue all the time. I am constantly upset. I have lost 20 lbs".

Her friend asked "If it is that bad, why have you not left him?"

The woman replied "I want to shed another 15 lbs".

 

[NW-Bound]

If you want your children to have a financially sound future, during math lessons, do not teach them to subtract.

Teach them to deduct.

 

[braumeister]

Saw my doctor today. He asked me if I smoke.

I said "Yes, all the time."

He said "Cigarettes? Marijuana?"

"Mostly brisket and pork."

 

[Winemaker]

While on the smoking subject......

Years ago my doctor asked if I smoked. I told him never.
He asked me if I smoked while drinking alcohol. I told him never.
He asked me if I smoked when out with the guys. I told him never.
He asked me if I smoked after sex. I told him I never checked down there......

 

[calmloki]

Wow. Local cop posting on the "Nextdoor" app here in Independence Oregon. Dang. Proud of him!

Community Engagement Manager Ramon Martinez, City of IndependenceAGENCY

A MESSAGE FROM INDEPENDENCE POLICE DEPARTMENT | UN MENSAJE DEL DEPARTAMENTO DE POLICÍA DE INDEPENDENCE
We at the Independence Police Department understand that some of Oregon’s laws can be confusing. We also understand that educating you about the laws when you are being placed into handcuffs may be a little untimely. We thought if we could avoid more paperwork, and you could avoid going to jail, we both win. So, we have decided to post periodic educational messages on how to avoid going to jail. Here is the first of many to come:

Prior to wearing someone else’s pants, please remove all drugs, drug paraphernalia, stolen goods or any other illegal items the “owner” of the pants may have left behind. “These are not my pants” is not an affirmative defense. Glad we could help.

Disclaimer: We are not attorneys and this message is not intended as legal advice. Please speak to an actual attorney prior to wearing someone else’s pants with drug filled pockets

 

[Walt34]

Prior to wearing someone else’s pants, please remove all drugs, drug paraphernalia, stolen goods or any other illegal items the “owner” of the pants may have left behind. “These are not my pants” is not an affirmative defense. Glad we could help.

True story:

A police officer stops a car for a traffic violation, and sees illegal drug paraphernalia in plain view in the car. A subsequent search yields a large enough quantity of cocaine that amounts to a heavy-duty felony.

As the driver is being arrested he complains "But it's not even my car!"

"Oh? Then whose is it?"

"I dunno. I stole it."

Turned out to be a wise confession. Unauthorized use of a motor vehicle is a misdemeanor.

 

[CaptTom]

On the theme of police notices...

They have one of those highway message signs in our tourist town. The police use it to post stern messages asking people to observe the speed limit. You know, the sort of stuff everyone ignores. Then someone got the bright idea to change it up. They've been putting variations on this theme on the sign lately:

"You made it! You're here now. Slow Down. Relax."

A little humor goes a long way. Gotta give credit were credit is due.

 

[TromboneAl]

 

[HFWR]

 

[Joselyn Araujo Bos]

Quote

I cringe in advance for whatever Al comes up with. Saw this one and wanted to share...

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f***ing blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.

 

[COcheesehead]

Did you hear about the bald guy who didn't give up his comb?
He couldn't part with it.

A man called the doctor and said my wife is in labor and about to give birth, what should I do.
The doctor said is this her first child?
The man said no, this is her husband.

A blond woman returned home to find an envelope on her doorstep.
The outside said DO NOT BEND.
She stood there for an hour trying to figure out how to pick it up.

 

[Alan]

My wife and I were talking to her brother and his wife last night. He is a lawyer in England and when cases go to Crown Court his firm has to employ a Queen's Council (QC) to present the case in front of the judge and jury. QC's are the folks you see in English courts that wear the ancient looking powdered wigs and fancy silk gowns.

My BIL asks us if we remember a particular QC who is a good friend of his that he has worked with for many years. "You met him at our wedding 17 years ago, he made that very funny and witty speech at the reception".

So, this year he went on a Cunard cruise and was invited to sit at the captain's table one evening. (He must travel a lot on Cunard and spend LOADs of money!). He found himself sitting next to a lady and proceeded to introduce himself and talk at some length about his life and his achievements. Eventually he paused long enough to ask what she did, to which replied, "I'm the Queen of Denmark".

 

[REWahoo]

. Eventually he paused long enough to ask what she did, to which replied, "I'm the Queen of Denmark".

Oops!

 

[Go-NoGo]

Eventually he paused long enough to ask what she did, to which replied, "I'm the Queen of Denmark".

So no accomplishments besides being born into nobility then?
Sound like you BIL had more to be proud of his life's work!

 

[Nemo2]

"I'm the Queen of Denmark".

A variation I guess - women always used to say to me "Yeah, and I'm the Queen of Sheba".

 

[aja8888]

Queen of Denmark, heck, my wife refers to herself as "Queen Bee" every now and then.

 

[Dtail]

Queen of Denmark, heck, my wife refers to herself as "Queen Bee" every now and then.

Yeah I call my DGF that, so we all know where we stand.

 

[TromboneAl]

Here she is:

 

[HFWR]

A variation I guess - women always used to say to me "Yeah, and I'm the Queen of Sheba".

I’ve smoked some sheba...

 

[RetireBy90]

An Irish Daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum through?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff ....dad.... I became a prostitute "

"Ye what??!! Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad .... as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a savings certificate for £5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership in the country club..." ... (takes a breath) .

"and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera, and ...."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff .... a prostitute, dad! .... sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug !

 

[Walt34]

Suspicions confirmed:

 

[Nemo2]

Stolen from elsewhere:

"The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world."

 

[REWahoo]

...