It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[Winemaker]

Please keep it up, your jokes posted here and others, bring a smile to my face in this world of disease, fear, and handwringing. Thanks for the laughs.

 

[Car-Guy]

^^^^

Will do as long as they keep coming....

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

After a hard days work, the wife asked her husband "Do you want any supper?" Husband said "What are my choices?" Wife said, "Yes or No."

 

[Car-Guy]

How much would it take for you to work this job?

 

[Car-Guy]

A Redneck’s final words;

Hey y’all watch this.

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a popular small-town bar.
After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud driver. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
​

 

[CRLLS]

Not funny, but a bit of detail on the I before E rule from Merriam-Webster:

I before e, except after c
Or when sounded as 'a' as in 'neighbor' and 'weigh'
Unless the 'c' is part of a 'sh' sound as in 'glacier'
Or it appears in comparatives and superlatives like 'fancier'
And also except when the vowels are sounded as 'e' as in 'seize'
Or 'i' as in 'height'
Or also in '-ing' inflections ending in '-e' as in 'cueing'
Or in compound words as in 'albeit'
Or occasionally in technical words with strong etymological links to their parent languages as in 'cuneiform'
Or in other numerous and random exceptions such as 'science', 'forfeit', and 'weird'.

No wonder why spelling took me 6 years, or was it eight in grade school? The English language is a tough language.

 

[CRLLS]

If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be "Not good at following instructions"

 

[Car-Guy]

For those that watched football back in the late 70's and early 80's.


When Bum Phillips, the head coach of the Houston Oilers, was questioned about his star running back Earl Campbell not being able to finish the mile run in practice, it's reported he replied:

"I guess if it's 1st down and a mile, I won't run him"

 

[Koolau]

Sort of like meeting your long-lost friend JACK on a plane.

 

[cbo111]

virus humor

 

[REWahoo]

...

 

[O2Bfree]

Guy comes in to work Monday with two black eyes. Coworker says, "Geez, what happened to you?" Guy says, "Well, at church yesterday we all stood up to sing a hymn, and I noticed that the gal in front of me had the back of her dress stuck up into her crack. I figured that was pretty uncomfortable and she probably felt self-conscious about reaching around and pulling it out, so I discretely reached up and pulled it out for her. Then she turned around and socked me in the eye!" Coworker says, "But what about your other black eye?" Guy says, "Well, I figured she must have preferred to have her dress stuck in her crack, so I tucked it back in."

 

[Chuckanut]

The English language is a tough language.

Where else do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

 

[Winemaker]

Or drink lemonade with artificial flavoring/colors and put real lemon oil on your furniture?

 

[Nemo2]

On the e-mail circuit:

1. ARBITRAITOR
> A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
>
> 2. BERNADETTE
> The act of torching a mortgage.
>
> 3. BURGLARIZE
> What a crook sees through
>
> 4. AVOIDABLE
> What a bullfighter tries to do
>
> 5. EYEDROPPER
> Clumsy ophthalmologist
>
> 6. CONTROL
> A short, ugly inmate.
>
> 7. COUNTERFEITER
> Worker who puts together kitchen cabinets
>
> 8. ECLIPSE
> What an English barber does for a living.
>
> 9. LEFT BANK
> What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
>
> 10. HEROES
> What a man in a boat does
>
> 11. PARASITES
> What you see from the Eiffel Tower
>
> 12. PARADOX
> Two physicians
>
> 13. PHARMACIST
> A helper on a farm
>
> 14. POLARIZE
> What penguins see through
>
> 15. PRIMATE
> Remove your spouse from in front of TV
>
> 16. RELIEF
> What trees do in the spring
>
> 17. RUBBERNECK
> What you do to relax your wife
>
> 18. SELFISH
> What the owner of a seafood store does
>
> 19. SUDAFED
> Brought litigation against a government official
>
> 20. PARADIGMS
> 20 Cents

 

[Car-Guy]

A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, he said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Alan]

I was walking through the ruins of an old monastery when I saw a man cooking a pan of potatoes. I said, “Are you the friar?” He replied, “No, I’m the chipmunk “

 

[Car-Guy]

Even Spock can't screen out all the SPAM calls in the future.

 

[Car-Guy]

To the Computer Gods.

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend 1 and I've
been having some problems lately. I've been running the same
version of Drinking Buddies 1.3 seemingly forever as my primary
application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have
always conflicted with it. I hear that Drinking Buddies 1.3 won't
crash if GirlFriend 1 is run in background mode and the sound is
turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to
turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works
okay. Girlfriend 1 also seems to have a problem coexisting with my
Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing
incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought
I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months
of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had
experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have
enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would
require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I
purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs
were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave
me a terrible virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for while. A very painful recovery process.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a
SCSI insertion device for the first time and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some unknown way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions. The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram.

Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the flashy looks and
feel of the packaging rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use lots of gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is
totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend
to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident
version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0
expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he
did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he
describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space,
so he can't even think about using anything else like his old Drinking Buddies or Golf Game programs. One of the primary reasons he
decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with
FreeSexPlus.

Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0
often prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly with the new
Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be
running on a well warmed-up system before it will do anything.
Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Mother-In-Law
which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard
if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife
1.0 will delete all MS Money and other financial files before doing the uninstall by itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

I sure hope the Master Control Programmer straightens out this mess before the creation of any new versions.


Thanks, Confused and Frustrated User.