It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[Car-Guy]

One very dark night there was a terrible accident at a railroad crossing. A train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"

 

[Car-Guy]

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.


"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.

The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

 

[ugeauxgirl]

Bar sign...

 

[Car-Guy]

An elderly Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

 

[Car-Guy]

Female comebacks (not blondes)


Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.


Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.


Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.


Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.


Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: No Trespassing


Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.


Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?


Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

 

[Car-Guy]

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, “That’s a 6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.”
She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard,” he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally passes gas. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20? How did you get $34.50?”
He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the fish bait is $3.50.”
She paid it and left without saying a word.

 

[braumeister]

.

 

[Car-Guy]

Real Classified Ads.... I Dunno about that!



FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call and ask for Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake . Call Stephanie.
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

 

[Car-Guy]

[-]Redneck[/-] Sorry PC, Country etiquette


1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

 

[Car-Guy]

Probably a re-post


A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"
"No. Get lost, it's half-past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?" And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing set."

 

[Car-Guy]

Maybe I should post these in the Technology, Media and e-Gadget forum under tech support...


I called tech support and and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"

An individual called for help when he plugged his power strip back into itself and for the life of him could not understand why his computer would not turn on.

Caller -"Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
Tech Support - "A little. What's wrong?"
Caller- "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
Tech Support - "How did you load the sheet?"
Caller - "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident. So I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it."

Tech Support: What does the screen say now?
Caller: It says 'Hit ENTER when ready.'
Tech Support: Well?
Caller: How do I know when it's ready?

 

[Car-Guy]

Common sense rules between men



1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party, is an idiot
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following two circumstances:
---- a) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
---- b) After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes
7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is pushing it.)
9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
11. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.
12. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
13. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line.. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

 

[Car-Guy]

Magic trick



Dave and John go to a pastry shop.
Dave suddenly whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.
He says to John, "See how clever I am? You'll never beat that!"
John replies, "Oh yeah? Watch this."
He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"
The baker hands him a cookie which he promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.
Then he says again: "Give me one more cookie... "
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. He eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "And where is your magic trick?!"
John points at Dave and says: "Look in Dave’s pocket”.

 

[Car-Guy]

Last one for today.


A man goes in to a bar. He approaches the bartender.
"Hi mate. Listen, I don't have any cash on me at the moment, do you think you can spot me a pint?"
The bartender scoffs. "No chance mate, we're not here for that."
The man pauses for a moment, and then makes an offer. "What if I show you something that you've never seen before? If you've never seen it, all my drinks are on the house for the night."
"Pfft," the barman scoffs. "Yeah, alright. Let's see what you've got."
The man reaches in to his bag and pulls out a frog, and a tiny piano. He sets them on the bar, the frog hops over to the piano and starts to play a beautiful rendition of Mozart's Die Zauberflöte.
The barman is stunned. "Well, I'll be! You've got something there, I'll give you that. Fair enough mate, drinks are on me...but I want the frog and the piano. How about 1,000 for them?"
"I couldn't do that. The frog is my livelihood."
"How about 2,000?"
"Deal."
The man spends the entire night drinking, partying away, and stumbles home at closing time.
Fast forward a few days, and the same man returns. "Listen mate. For the sake of the joke, I've spent all the money you gave me and I'm strapped for money again. Any chance of spotting me for a pint?"
The barman says, "No, we already went through this. We're not a charity."
"Ahh, but what if I show you something you've never seen before?"
The barman is amused. "You came here last with a frog that plays a piano, I've seen it all! But go on then, what have you got?"
The man pulls out a mouse and sets it on the bar. It sits there, looking around and minding his own business.
"That's just a mouse! I've got enough mice to deal with, I don't need another one!"
The mouse pipes up. "Just a mouse?! I'll have you know I've been quite well educated, sir!"
The barman jumps back. "The mouse...the mouse just spoke! It's a talking mouse! Listen mate, all your drinks are on the house, but I've got to have the mouse as well! I will give you 3,000 for him!"
The man accepts the money, and continues his evening of free drinks. But as the night goes on, and the man gets more belligerent, he stumbles over to the bar to talk to the barman.
"Listen mate, here's you 3,000 back. I feel terrible about what I've done."
The barman scoffs. "Sorry mate, but a deal is a deal, and I've bought the mouse off you fair and square. I'm keeping him!"
The man says, "I don't care, just please take the money. It was all a trick! The mouse doesn't talk...the frog is a ventriloquist."

 

[Jeb-NY]

One Time I Was At A Bar

A lady asked me if alcoholics run in my family

i said "No but they stumble around and break ****"

 

[Jeb-NY]

A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where Mother Superior was taking a shower.

“There is a blind man to see you,” the nun announced.

“Send him to my quarters,” Mother Superior replied, thinking there was no need to hurry and get dressed if he was blind.

The blind man walks into her room, and Mother Superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on.

Several minutes later, the man interrupts: “That’s nice and all, ma’am, but really, you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?”

 

[flyingaway]

An elderly Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

This one is good.

 

[Car-Guy]

You know you are getting old when......


You know you are getting old when you’ve been there and done that, but don’t remember what that was.
You know you are old when you stop growing at both ends and start growing in the middle.
You know you are old when you can cough, fart, sneeze and pee at the same time.
You know you are old when you got to second base with a TSA screener.
You know you are old when the only females who pursue you are mosquitoes.
You know you are old when you are too old to learn new tricks but your old tricks work just as well.
You know you are old when you knew when the Dead Sea was only sick.
You know you are old when people tell you how good you look.
You know you are old when almost everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
You know you are old when the candles cost more than the cake.
You know you are old when you tell people you retro

You know you are old when you hear your favorite songs in an elevator.
You know you are old when you’re told to slow down by your doctor and not the police.
You know you are old when the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling when your birthday candles are lit.
You know you are old when you write a note to yourself reminding you not to take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
You know you are old when people no longer say you are a hypochondriac.

 

[Car-Guy]

And one more "you know your getting old when" (a special one for ER.ORG users.)


You know you are getting old when you (as a millionaire) create a poll on er.org explaining your current situation and ask what your annual WR should be going forward to ensure you don't run out of money in your lifetime.

And everyone votes for the 100% option.

 

[Car-Guy]

You can live in California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought



And for some PC balance, you can live in the Deep South where... (Pick your state.)


1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, "Top O' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father." The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They then parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"
The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and four singles, ten in all!"
The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer lovin' hoosband doin'?"
She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."

 

[Car-Guy]

Quick thinking executive



Wanting to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

 

[Car-Guy]

The Blonde and Her Melons (no, not those )


This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, ''What are you carrying?''

''Melons,'' the blonde replies.

''Cool," the guy says. "If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?''

The blonde giggles and says, ''If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them.'