It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[calmloki]

Attributed to Jeff Foxworthy, but i doubt that's correct. About 4/5 of the statements are right on the money though!
The Pacific Northwest According To Jeff Foxworthy:

1. You know the state flower (Mildew).

2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.

3. Use the statement 'sun break' and know what it means.

4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.

5. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.

6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant o r to church.

7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the 'WALK' Signal.

8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it's not a real mountain.

9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Veneto's.

10 . You know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon.

11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Haceta, Yaquina, Yachats, Issaquah, Oregon, Yakima and Willamette.

12.. You consider swimming an indoor sport.

13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.

14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark while only working eight-hour days.

15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.

16. You are not fazed by 'Today's forecast: showers followed by rain,' and 'Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers.'

17.You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.

18. You know th at Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.

19. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover.

20. You notice, 'The mountain is out' when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.

21. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking Boots and parka.

22. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.

23. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.

24. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.

25. You buy new sunglasses every year, be cause you cannot find the old ones after such a long time.

26. You measure distance in hours.

27. You often switch from 'heat' to 'a/c' in the same day.

28. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.

29. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, winter, Still Raining (Spring), Road Cons truction (Summer), Deer & Elk season (Fall).

30. You understood these jokes and will probably forward them

 

[jambo101]

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!!!




1 Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.


2. I would not allow this student to breed.


3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.


4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an 'idiot'.


5.Your son sets low personal standards, and then consistently fails to achieve them.


6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.


7. This child has been working with glue too much.


8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.


9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.


10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.


11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child, beat out 1,000,000 others.


12. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is definitely dead.

 

[two4theroad]

Fishing in the South

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?' 'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah.. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O. K.' said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?', says the redneck.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH', replied the warden!

'What fish?', replied the redneck.
...

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

 

[Walt34]

Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument

Most of America's populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together..

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

I think this will work with grandchildren, nieces, and nephews as well.

 

[Walt34]

What religion is your bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy 's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,

"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around" said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied:

"There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. . .

The Catholic type supports the masses;

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and

The Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A) Almost Boobs...

(B) Barely there...

(C) Can't Complain...

(D) Dang!...

(DD) Double dang!...

(E) Enormous!...

(F) Fake...

(G) Get a Reduction...

(H) Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!...

 

[repoman]

Heeeeeere's Johnnny!!!

Former President Bill Clinton is visiting an elementary school today and he
visits, one of the 4th grade classes. They are in the middle of a
discussion related to words and their meanings. The
teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the
discussion of the word, "tragedy."

So our ex-President asks the class for an example of the word "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next
door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and
runs him over, that would be a tragedy."?
"No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.

Former President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who
can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, Little Johnny raises his hand. In a
quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was
struck by a missile and blown to pieces, that would be a tragedy.?"
"Fantastic", exclaims Mr. Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY
that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," Little Johnny said, "because it wouldn't be an accident,
and it damn sure wouldn't be a great loss."

 

[MikeD]

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you
feel you deserve a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.The
first is that I iron better than you do."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than I do?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
1:30 Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you are."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you are a better cook?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you are."
Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that, as well?"
Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."

 

[mickeyd]

Not necessarily a joke but...

The following are all legitimate companies, I am told, that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online domain name might appear ... and be misread.

These are not made up, or so my source says. Check them out...

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is: Contact Celebrity Agents Lawyers Managers and Publicists - WhoRepresents?com

2 . Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at: expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at: Welcome to Pen Island! The best pens on the internet!

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at: California Therapists at TherapistFinder.com

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company: www.powergenitalia.com

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com .

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always: ipanywhere.com .

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is: www.cummingfirst.com .

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site: Speed of Art. Website of Nigel Talamo .

 

[kumquat]

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.​

 

[brewer12345]

It seems everyone is worried about gay marriage or they are afraid that some homosexual is going to recruit them.
Seriously? Did anyone ever receive a call after high school from a gay recruiter?
Just me?
Fine, let me tell you what happened. The guy called me up and explained the benefits of homosexuality to me.
I told him that, as a heterosexual, I don’t want to make a full-time commitment to homosexuality. So he talked me into joining the reserves.
All I had to do was be gay for one weekend a month and two weeks out of the year, and I really needed the college money.
It was a sweet deal until they decided to “activate my unit”.
I really don’t talk about what happened much, but I will say this…I saw a lot of good men go down.

 

[johnmusic88]

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.​

LOL

 

[Walt34]

Three Things to Ponder: (but do we really want to add to our aggravation?)


1. Cows

2. The Constitution

3. The Ten Commandments



COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington?

And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

Maybe we should give each of them a cow.



THE CONSTITUTION

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.




THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:

You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,'

and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...

It creates a hostile work environment.

 

[two4theroad]

The Waiting Room

The Waiting Room

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, "Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

 

[d]

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

Pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.

 

[brewer12345]

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men.... that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again..... The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

 

[jIMOh]

Can mpegs get posted? Guess not

 

[jIMOh]

A 76-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back
with normal results. The doctor says, 'Harry, everything looks great. How
are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

Harry replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight,
so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to
the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light
goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day,
the doctor calls Harry's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'Harry is doing fine!
But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is
it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in
the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?'

'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!

 

[jIMOh]

TO: All Employees
RE: Swearing at work

It has been brought to management's attention that some individualsthroughout the company have been using foul language during the courseof normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easilyoffended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information cancontinue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think y ou understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

 

[jIMOh]

The Worlds Best Kept Auto Secret

I have been driving for more than 3 decades. One would think I would have noticed the little secret on my dash that was staring me right in the face the whole time. I hadn't and I bet you probably haven't either.

Quick question, what side of your car is your gas tank? If you are anything like me, you probably can't remember right away, especially if you drive more than one car. My solution is to, uncomfortably, stick my head out the window, strain my neck and look. If you don't do this in your own car you definitely have done it in a borrowed or rental car.

Well ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to share with you my little secret so you will no longer look like Ace Ventura on your way to the gas station or put your neck at risk of discomfort or injury.
If you look at your gas gauge, you will see a small icon of a gas pump. The handle of the gas pump will extend out on either the left or right side of the pump. If your tank is on the left, the handle will be on the left. If your tank is on the right, the handle will be on the right (see photo above). It is that simple!

I don't know how you feel right now but when I found out this morning I felt cheated!
Why don't the dealers share such important information with car buyers? I don't understand why this isn't in the driver's manual? I don't get why any mechanic I have ever been too or know has even thought of mentioning this to me? The only possible explanation can be that all these people probably don't even know!
Go out and share the worlds best kept auto secret with your friends as this is information is way too important to be kept secret.
Now all I have to do is remember this e-mail

 

[mickeyd]

10 Reasons NOT to Jog



1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.



2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.



3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.



4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.



5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.



6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.



7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.



8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.



9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.



10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass. Except when I run with a martini up!

 

[jIMOh]

Paddy was coming through the customs at the airport carrying a large bottle.

"What have you there?" said a suspicious customs officer.

"’Tis the Lord’s holy water. I am bringing it home with me," said Paddy.

The officer took the bottle and tried some. "Why it's Irish whiskey!" he spluttered.

"Lord bless me!" said Paddy, "Another bloomin'miracle."

 

[jIMOh]

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."

 

[jIMOh]

A man is stranded on a deserted island for 10 years. One day, a gorgeous blond woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear arrives on the island. She comes up to the man and says, "How long has it been since you had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he answers. She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that ever good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you had a whisky?"

He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a bottle of malt whisky and gives it to him. He takes a long swallow and says, "Wow, that is fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

 

[jIMOh]

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turned the lights off because they couldn't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around, the wife decided to find a solution. "Honey," she signed, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast once. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast once."

The husband thought this was a wonderful idea and signed back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull my penis one time, and if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull my penis... 50 times."

 

[jIMOh]

Pat and Mike had been drinking buddies and friends for years. After having a few drinks in a bar, Mike said to Pat, "We have been friends for years and years and if I should die before you do would you do me a favor? Get the best bottle of Irish whiskey you can find and pour it over my grave."

Pat replied, "I would be glad to do that for you my old friend, but would you mind if I passed it through my bladder first?"