It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[eddieb]

The stupid questions


Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
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Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
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Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
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Were you alone or by yourself?
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Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
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Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
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Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
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Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
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Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
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Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
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Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
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So, you were gone until you returned?
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You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
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Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
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A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
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Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Good.

 

[jIMOh]

This one made me cry- too funny

A man is sleeping in bed when his telephone suddenly rings.

“Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”

“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead.”

“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?”

“Si, Senor, that's the one.”

“Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”

“From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.”

“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”

“Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”

“Dead horse? What dead horse?”

“The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.”

”My prize thoroughbred is dead?”

”Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”

“Are you insane? What water cart?”

“The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.”

“Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man?!”

“The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”

“What the hell?” Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?”

“Yes, Senor Rod.”

“But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”

“For the funeral, Senor Rod.”

“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?”

“Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade Super Quad 460 golf club.”

“Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in serious trouble!”

 

[TromboneAl]

 

[TromboneAl]

 

[frayne]

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980s. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from John McCain that the staff at the mental 20 facility, treating Hinckley, reports to have intercepted this past weekend:

To: John Hinckley

From: John McCain

My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

My wife Cindy and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best Wishes,

John and Cindy McCain

PS: Barack Obama has been fuc*ing the socks off of Jodie Foster. Thought you should know.

 

[bbbamI]

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said,' You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.

She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment; it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there...

on the couch...

naked.

 

[jambo101]

Best Divorce Letter

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of
your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it
out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my
job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you
were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope
you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that
the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was
born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

 

[bbbamI]

International Disturbed People's Day. These people have too much time on their hands....

 

[TromboneAl]

Sweetheart, am I the first man you have ever made love to?

Why does everyone ask me that?

 

[Bestwifeever]

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame , gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite ravioli.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was already in his mouth.

With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.

'NO,' she said. 'Those are for the funeral.'

 

[jIMOh]

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a 20-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says, 'Well, that is great... that is really great . some [-]ass[/-]butthole's got my pen.'

 

[calmloki]

Evil geek games to play on someone who's watching their computer far too much:

Top 10 Harmless Geek Pranks - Lifehacker Australia

 

[mickeyd]

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.- Mark Twain

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.- Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
- Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. - Thomas Jefferson

 

[d]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokey Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

 

[cj]

(Does this belong in the politics section?)

 

[d]

no.

 

[bbbamI]

Thought for the day!!!

Just think ... If the Indians had given the Pilgrim fathers a donkey instead of a turkey we would all be having a piece of ass this Thanksgiving!

 

[kumquat]

Thought for the day!!!

Just think ... If the Indians had given the Pilgrim fathers a donkey instead of a turkey we would all be having a piece of ass this Thanksgiving!

Well, maybe you youngsters...

 

[mickeyd]

Fifteen ways to waste perfectly good vodka

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves adhesive.

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.

10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.

11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.

13 Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.

15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

 

[Sarah in SC]

If I get in trouble for this joke, I will turn state's evidence against the poster who sent it to me!


Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?

Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.

Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".

Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.

 

[Bestwifeever]

OMG, Sarah (and H*rley ), PMP, as the kids say.... and sending it on to EVERYONE I know, especially those in Texas....

 

[Notmuchlonger]

Guess my response got deleted

 

[harley]

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

 

[harley]

And just to prove I know non-dirty jokes too:

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"