It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

Status
Not open for further replies.
Alan said:
:duh: Above my head Al, must be a musicians' joke.
Click to expand...

Right. The stereotype with "chick singers" is that they know nothing about music (e.g. "How do you know when there's a chick singer at your door?" "She has the wrong key and doesn't know when to come in.").

So in this case, the chick singer doesn't realize that what key a song is in doesn't have anything to do with how fast it's played.
 
Scientists Discover New Element, Heaviest Known

I thought this was worth a chuckle. I found it here:
************************************************

Scientists Discover New Element, the Heaviest Yet Known to Science

Posted: 11/25/2008 at 01:36 PM
'


Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.z

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
 
A Little Humor........

  • You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
  • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  • Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year old was resisting a rest.
  • Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
  • The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
  • When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
  • A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
  • When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
  • A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
  • The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
  • A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
  • A bicycle can't stand alone. It is two tired.
  • A will is a dead giveaway.
  • A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  • If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
  • You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
  • A lot of money is tainted; 'taint yours and 'taint mine.
  • Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  • When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
  • When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  • Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  • Acupuncture; a jab well done.
 
“Old Jethro’s next door makin’ moonshine again,” the wife told her husband.

“How can you tell?” he asked. “Did you smell it?”

“Nope. But a bunch of mice from his place came over here this morning and beat the **** out of our cats.”
 
A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work.

“Honey, I have some really great news for you!” she said.

“Great, tell me what you’re so happy about!” he replied.

“I’m pregnant!” she said.

He kissed her and told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier!”

Then, she said, “Oh honey, there’s more!”

He asked, “What do you mean, ‘more?’”

She said, “Well, we aren’t having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!”

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

She said, “Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!”
 
Children & Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than....................Punch a 5th grader
Strike while the .........................Bug is close
It's always darkest before............... Daylight Savings Time
Never underestimate the power of..........Termites
You can lead a horse to water but........how?
Don't bite the hand that................. looks dirty
No news is................................impossible
A miss is as good as a...................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new............math
If you lie down with dogs, you'll.........stink in the morning
Love all, trust..........................me
The pen is mightier than the..............pigs
An idle mind is..........................The best way to relax
Where there's smoke there's...............pollution
Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents
A penny saved is..........................not much
Two's company, three's....................the Musketeers
Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as......................Stevie Wonder
Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded
If at first you don't succeed.............get new batteries
You get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box
When the blind leadeth the blind..........get out of the way

And the favorite:

Better late than.........................pregnant.
 
Little Johnny and Sherri Loney are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married. So Johnny goes to Sherri's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Loney, me and Sherri are in love, and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Loney replies, "Well, Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

So without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies, "In Sherri's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Loney says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Sherri."

So again Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance. Sherri makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month. That should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Loney is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Loney says, "Well, Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
 
Our pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
praise for answered prayers.
A lady in our congregation stood and walked to the podium. "I have a praise," she said. "Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating, and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as
they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children, and every
move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a
delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed
remnants and wrap wire around his scrotum to hold it in."
Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they
imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say,
with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief.
Our pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to
say.
A man rose and walked to the podium. "I'm Jim," he said, "and I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."
 
Arithmetic Instruction Over the Decades


Posted: 11/11/2008 at 03:46 PM
1. Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000. His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price. What is his profit?



2. Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000. His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price, or $800. What is his profit?



3. Teaching Math In 1990

A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000. His cost of production is $800. Did he make a profit?



4. Teaching Math In 2000

A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000. His cost of production is $800 and his profit is $200. Your assignment: Underline the number 200.



5. Teaching Math In 2008

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is totally selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.

He does this so he can make a profit of $200. What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic now for class participation after answering the question:
How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. If you are upset about the plight of the animals in question counselling will be available.)
 
Last edited:
A tale from my own family...

Back in jolly 'ole England, a week or so ago my sister had taken her daughter to hospital one evening so she called Dad to tell him everything was okay. A few months back Dad had acquired a cell phone in case he got stuck or lost while out on his little electric chair so she called him on that to get him used to using it. After a couple of futile attempts she gave up and called him on the land line. He answered immediately so she asked him if he had heard his cell phone ringing. "Oh, is that what that was? I thought it was the ice cream van". "Dad, its 8pm and snowing like crazy, who do you think is going to try and sell ice cream on winter night in a blizzard". "Well.... I did notice it was snowing otherwise I'd have gone out for one".

He's 83, still bright as a button but has his moments these days.......
 
Great one-liner's from the old "Hollywood Squares" TV show:

Q.Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde : If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver : Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel : Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts : That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and youthink that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie : No; wait until morning .

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver : My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A Vincent Price : No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A George Gobel : I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie : You ask me one more growing old question Peter , and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q. Paul , why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde : Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver : Of course not, I'm to o busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie : Ralph , the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A Paul Lynde : Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie : Unfortunately Peter , I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen : Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A Paul Lynde : Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde : Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver : It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde : Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel : Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wifeor your elephant?
A Paul Lynde : Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver : I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two
occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver : His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A Paul Lynde : Point and laugh!
 
"Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A Paul Lynde : Point and laugh!"


I know I hate when that happens to me :(
 
“Will the father be present during the birth?” asked the obstetrician.

“Nah,” replied the mother-to-be, “he and my husband don’t get along.”
 
Three men went out to play a round of golf -- Moses, Jesus and an old man. Moses teed off first, and the ball landed in the water. He parted the water, and hit the ball in for a birdie.

Jesus teed off next, and the ball landed in the water. He then walked on the water, and hit the ball in for a birdie.

Lastly, the old man teed off, but before the ball could hit the water, a fish jumped out and caught the ball in its mouth. Then an eagle swooped down and caught the fish. Lightening then struck near the eagle, frightening it, and it dropped the fish. When the fish hit the ground, it dropped the ball in for a perfect hole in one.

Jesus and Moses turn to the old man, and Jesus said, "Dad, if you don't quit playing like that, we're not going to bring you anymore."
 
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde all work in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they’d leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them.

“NO WAY,” she exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”
 
A young boy, about 8 years old, walks into the local grocery store and picks out a huge box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

“Nope, no laundry,” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my dog!”

“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.”

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

“Oh, he died,” the boy said sadly.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.”

“Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”

“Oh? What was it then?”

“I think it was the spin cycle!”
 
Two drunks walk into a bar. The first drunk looks at his buddy and says, “I gotta go use the can.” So he wonders off to the bathroom and is gone for 20 minutes.

His friend gets pissed off and goes in to get him. He finds him in there and asks, “What the hell are you doing?”

The first drunk replies, “Every time I flush, something reaches up and grabs my balls.”

The second drunk looks at him and says “You dumb ass, you’re sittin’ on the mop bucket”
 
Pet Owners

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - (pet nose height).

 Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish. Nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by the FIA and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
 I cannot buy anything bigger than a king- sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when you sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximise space is nothing but sarcasm.
 For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not required.
 The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other animal's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to
Complain About Our Pets:
 1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
 Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less.
2. Don't ask for money all the time.
3. Are easier to train.
4. Normally come when called.
5. Never ask to drive the car.
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
7. Don't smoke or drink.
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions.
9. Don't want to wear your clothes.
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children!
 
Last edited by a moderator:
A man in a clerical collar checks into a hotel. After explaining all the hotel has to offer the clerk asks "is there anything else we can to to make your stay more enjoyable"? The man replies "Well, I certainly hope my porn channel is disabled". The clerk "Sorry you old pervert, we just have the regular kind".
 
Kite Flying

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind
Catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband,
"You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
 
Three missionaries were traveling in the Australian Bush...


One American...One Englishman...One Irishman..


They were taken captive by the dreaded Ubangi/Ubetcha tribe.


They got's a huge cauldron,about to boil,on the fire...


Chief say's to the American..."Got any Change?""Where you from"?


American...."Spokane Washington,...................an'I'm a 7th day Adventist"


Chief..."Get in the ****in' pot"




Chief say's to the Englishman......"Where you from?"


Englishman......."London England..an'I'm a Methodist"...




Chief..."Get in the ****in' pot"





Cheif turns to the Irishman....."Where you from?"




DUBLIN IRELAND,say's Paddy...an'I'm a Catholic......








"You can go".......say's the Chief"...











The American and the Englishman are pretty pissed off at this.....and politely enquire ..."WHY"








An' the Chief say's...................

















"Awe...........The last Irishman we put in the Pot....























"Ate all the ****in Potaoes".........
 
:2funny::2funny::2funny:


images
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Similar threads

M
A Day in Provence
Replies
11
Views
1K
oiseux
O
Southern Geek
A 2022 Medicare Enrollment Tale
Replies
10
Views
2K
Southern Geek
Southern Geek
W
need advice from people who have done a lot of crazy things in life
5 6 7
Replies
157
Views
49K
Jeffman52
J
W
private boarding high school for niece
2 3
Replies
55
Views
4K
kfsinc
K
street
Christmas Story
Replies
6
Views
884
travelover
travelover

Latest posts

Back
Top Bottom