bbbamI
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
I guess I need to check out snopes now before I post a joke..
It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020
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Bestwifeever
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I just remember how mad old Andy was about this forward, which makes it even funnier to me. Thought you'd get a kick out of it. Sorry.
brewer12345
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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mickeyd
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Two Palestinian men are showing pictures of their children to each other. The first says: "This is my oldest, Muhammed. He was a martyr.... this is my second oldest, Muhammed. He was a martyr too.... This is my baby boy, Muhammed. One day I hope he will be a martyr too."
The other replies: "They blow up so fast, don't they?"
The other replies: "They blow up so fast, don't they?"
kumquat
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
The mother of Caster Semanya, the women's world 800m champion has expressed
her outrage at her daughter having to undergo a gender test.
She said "This is a real kick in the balls for my daughter"
her outrage at her daughter having to undergo a gender test.
She said "This is a real kick in the balls for my daughter"
mickeyd
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should
give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy
didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.
He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. A Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes
home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.."
"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and
Lord, what a shame that would be."
"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the
house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed,
and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity
in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver
dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink,
while he admired the magazine's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for
Congress."
give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy
didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.
He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. A Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes
home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.."
"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and
Lord, what a shame that would be."
"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the
house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed,
and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity
in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver
dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink,
while he admired the magazine's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for
Congress."
Smart a$$ answer
A teacher at a college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-a$$ lad at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.
A teacher at a college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-a$$ lad at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.
freebird5825
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Only in America
No joke here...strange but true...
Couple's trash bin tryst takes wrong turn - Weird news- msnbc.com
No joke here...strange but true...
Couple's trash bin tryst takes wrong turn - Weird news- msnbc.com
HFWR
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, You Can Be The Man Of Your House.
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced: "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want."
Pausing for breath, he continued, "Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back, towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Come tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The f***in' funeral director would be my first guess."
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced: "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want."
Pausing for breath, he continued, "Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back, towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Come tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The f***in' funeral director would be my first guess."
HFWR
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely. I
thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone
books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an
ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over
in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places,
beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the
picture!
I figured, what the heck, give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says.
God, she sounded sexy. Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I
rushed right in: "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you
to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight
with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want
it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys,
rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate
syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that
sound?"
"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an
outside line."
thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone
books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an
ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over
in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places,
beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the
picture!
I figured, what the heck, give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says.
God, she sounded sexy. Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I
rushed right in: "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you
to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight
with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want
it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys,
rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate
syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that
sound?"
"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an
outside line."
vicente solano
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
- Joined
- May 21, 2009
- Messages
- 1,116
Going through a dire financial situation and as a last desperate solution, the husband tells wife that she has to become a prostitute. The wife doesn´t complain but says she doesn´t know a thing about her new job.
The husband tells her not to worry. Takes her to a street corner, places her on a choice spot close to a lampost and tells her that if she has any doubts to just ask him, he´ll be watching behind the lampost.
Comes the first client in a superb sports car and asks the wife how much it is. Not knowing, the wife tells him to wait a sec, runs to her hidden husband and asks him. The husband, having noticed the snazzy car, says 500 euros.
Wife goes back to the john and states the husband´s price. The john says that he has only 100 euros, so what can he get for that amount?.
Wife asks again her husband who says that for that money a blowjob is more than enough.
Back to the client the wife tells him what the deal is.
Client agrees, tells her to hop in. Then he unzippers and unholsters. When the wife sees what has come out awestruck dashes off to her husband and tells him: DONT BE MEAN! DO LEND HIM 400 EUROS, DAMMIT!
The husband tells her not to worry. Takes her to a street corner, places her on a choice spot close to a lampost and tells her that if she has any doubts to just ask him, he´ll be watching behind the lampost.
Comes the first client in a superb sports car and asks the wife how much it is. Not knowing, the wife tells him to wait a sec, runs to her hidden husband and asks him. The husband, having noticed the snazzy car, says 500 euros.
Wife goes back to the john and states the husband´s price. The john says that he has only 100 euros, so what can he get for that amount?.
Wife asks again her husband who says that for that money a blowjob is more than enough.
Back to the client the wife tells him what the deal is.
Client agrees, tells her to hop in. Then he unzippers and unholsters. When the wife sees what has come out awestruck dashes off to her husband and tells him: DONT BE MEAN! DO LEND HIM 400 EUROS, DAMMIT!
HFWR
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
bbbamI
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
The Ten Commandments
(1) Just one God
(2) Put nothin' before God
(3) Watch yer mouth
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(6) No killin'
(7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(8) Don't take what ain't yers
(9) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
Now that's plain an' simple. Y'all have a nice day!
(1) Just one God
(2) Put nothin' before God
(3) Watch yer mouth
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(6) No killin'
(7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(8) Don't take what ain't yers
(9) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
Now that's plain an' simple. Y'all have a nice day!
HFWR
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Subject: Sizeable Humor
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the highway. You're going to be okay but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did... better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'
The man perks up at this. The doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for
a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. 'So, have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have,' says the man.
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
'Yes, she has,' says the man.
'And what is it?' asks the doctor.
'We're getting granite countertops.'
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the highway. You're going to be okay but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did... better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'
The man perks up at this. The doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for
a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. 'So, have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have,' says the man.
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
'Yes, she has,' says the man.
'And what is it?' asks the doctor.
'We're getting granite countertops.'
bbbamI
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?’ The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help dear. What's the name and room number?’ The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, ‘Norma Findlay, Room 302.’ The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.’ After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.’
The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.’ The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?’ The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me sh*t.’
The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.’ The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?’ The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me sh*t.’
vicente solano
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
- Joined
- May 21, 2009
- Messages
- 1,116
Got a real dirty one but I´m afraid to post it.....
REWahoo
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give
Sometimes fear can be a good thing.
CuppaJoe
Moderator Emeritus
I'd be curious to know how many PMs you receive asking for it privately.
vicente solano
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
- Joined
- May 21, 2009
- Messages
- 1,116
Cuppa: None for the moment.I'd be curious to know how many PMs you receive asking for it privately.
But, just in case, I´m working on the delicate process of translation into your language..... And being a dirty joke I fumbling with the added burden of finding your equivalent four letter words
CuppaJoe
Moderator Emeritus
"The night is young."
vicente solano
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
- Joined
- May 21, 2009
- Messages
- 1,116
Cuppa: Any interested party will have to wait. Bear in mind that I have a 7/9 hour time difference. When this forum is really busy I´m sleeping....
vicente solano
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
- Joined
- May 21, 2009
- Messages
- 1,116
REW you want me thrown out of this Forum....Sometimes fear can be a good thing.
IndependentlyPoor
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Good luck Vicente. Translating jokes can be a minefield, although I did have excellent luck translating Aggie jokes into Belgian jokes when I lived in Geneva. Just take your favorite Aggie joke, substitute les Belges for Aggie and tell it in French. Never failed.
My more bi-lingual co-workers used to tell hysterical inside jokes that required idiomatic understanding of both languages. You take a phrase that contains a false cognate, translate the cognate literally into the English and then translate that word literally back into French. Or some variation thereon. It works both ways, but you gotta know your audience or you will get nothing but blank stares.
My all time favorite along this line is this Art Buchwald piece. It is apparently famous, and is/was reprinted annually in the International Herald Tribune at Thanksgiving. I happened across it, completely unaware, and laughed until my sides hurt and tears flowed.
Art Buchwald - Le Grande Thanksgiving - washingtonpost.com
Enjoy, and good luck with the jokes. Who knows, even botching the translations might be funnier than the jokes themselves.
When I lived in Geneva, a group of us ex-pats went to see Ghost Busters when it came out. The somewhat dour Genevoise sitting around us were already looking askance as we laughed at jokes that made little sense to them, but they were completely befuddled when a whole row of Americans laughed with helpless hysteria when the subtitles translated
"this b1tch is toast"
as
"cette femme est pain grille"
Later on, the silly back and forth about
"it is a piece of pie" "easy as cake"
was all translated as "jeu d'un enfant" rendering the whole exchange completely incomprehensible. I'm sure our hysteria convinced a whole theater full of Swiss that Americans truly are culturally hopeless.
My more bi-lingual co-workers used to tell hysterical inside jokes that required idiomatic understanding of both languages. You take a phrase that contains a false cognate, translate the cognate literally into the English and then translate that word literally back into French. Or some variation thereon. It works both ways, but you gotta know your audience or you will get nothing but blank stares.
My all time favorite along this line is this Art Buchwald piece. It is apparently famous, and is/was reprinted annually in the International Herald Tribune at Thanksgiving. I happened across it, completely unaware, and laughed until my sides hurt and tears flowed.
Art Buchwald - Le Grande Thanksgiving - washingtonpost.com
Enjoy, and good luck with the jokes. Who knows, even botching the translations might be funnier than the jokes themselves.
When I lived in Geneva, a group of us ex-pats went to see Ghost Busters when it came out. The somewhat dour Genevoise sitting around us were already looking askance as we laughed at jokes that made little sense to them, but they were completely befuddled when a whole row of Americans laughed with helpless hysteria when the subtitles translated
"this b1tch is toast"
as
"cette femme est pain grille"
Later on, the silly back and forth about
"it is a piece of pie" "easy as cake"
was all translated as "jeu d'un enfant" rendering the whole exchange completely incomprehensible. I'm sure our hysteria convinced a whole theater full of Swiss that Americans truly are culturally hopeless.
CuppaJoe
Moderator Emeritus
Here's one for Spanish/english speakers: "S O C K S."
IndependentlyPoor
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Not to highjack this thread, but I am still taking pain meds, (maybe I should refrain from posting until I kick 'em) and am in a chatty-cathy mood.
This reminds me of another episode during my Geneva days. A bunch of us took an excursion to Moscow and Leningrad (as it was called then, now restored to its original name of St. Petersburg). This was just after the Reagan - Gorbachev meeting in Reykjavik, so the iron curtain was still very much in place. We were all seated together in a couple of rows in the Bolshoi, watching some Russian opera that none of us had ever heard of before. The program was entirely in Cyrillic, the singing in Russian, and we hadn't a clue as to what was going on other than the stage action. The music was sublime, so it was wonderful just sittling there apreciating the the music without worry much about understanding the plot. Suddenly I was jarred out of my dreamy state by an odd "did I just understand that?" thought. I focused on the dialogue again, and sure enough, it was in incomprehensible Russian. Oh well. Later, the same thing happed and I glanced up and down our row to see our whole group looking back and forth with puzzled expressions on our faces. A moment later it became clear. It was a royal court scene and they were interspering snippets in French. Apparently French was spoken the Russian court, so it was historically accurate. If they had included phrases in English it would have been immediately obvious what was going on, but being in French, it caused one of the oddest experiences of cognative dissonance that I have ever experienced.
I know that I am risking the "ignore poster" button.
This reminds me of another episode during my Geneva days. A bunch of us took an excursion to Moscow and Leningrad (as it was called then, now restored to its original name of St. Petersburg). This was just after the Reagan - Gorbachev meeting in Reykjavik, so the iron curtain was still very much in place. We were all seated together in a couple of rows in the Bolshoi, watching some Russian opera that none of us had ever heard of before. The program was entirely in Cyrillic, the singing in Russian, and we hadn't a clue as to what was going on other than the stage action. The music was sublime, so it was wonderful just sittling there apreciating the the music without worry much about understanding the plot. Suddenly I was jarred out of my dreamy state by an odd "did I just understand that?" thought. I focused on the dialogue again, and sure enough, it was in incomprehensible Russian. Oh well. Later, the same thing happed and I glanced up and down our row to see our whole group looking back and forth with puzzled expressions on our faces. A moment later it became clear. It was a royal court scene and they were interspering snippets in French. Apparently French was spoken the Russian court, so it was historically accurate. If they had included phrases in English it would have been immediately obvious what was going on, but being in French, it caused one of the oddest experiences of cognative dissonance that I have ever experienced.
I know that I am risking the "ignore poster" button.
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