It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

HaHa said:
Great jokes Outtahere! Are you a machinist or something? Easy-outs aren't something everyone knows about.

Ha
Click to expand...

No but a good friend is and he sent me that this morning.
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

HaHa said:
Great jokes Outtahere! Easy-outs aren't something everyone knows about.
Click to expand...
Yeah, I was laughing through my tears. I wish I didn't know about Easy-outs either.

And never again do I want to be the supervisor in charge of confiscating unauthorized vicegrips while simultaneously disapproving all tool purchase orders submitted without a broken tool as documentation.

And now for the next joke: "Here, watch what I can do to this condenser tubing with our new hydrojet pressure washer!!"
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Easy outs are something you never forget if you break one.
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A young woman went to see a doctor for her complete physical. She took of her shirt and bra, and there was a big red H on her chest. The Doc asked what caused it. She replied, "Oh, my boyfriend goes to Harvard, and he is so proud of it that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we make love."

The next day the Doc is seeing another young woman, only she has a big blue Y on her chest. The Doc asked, "What caused this blue Y on your chest?" She said, "Well my boyfriend goes to Yale, and he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we go to bed."

Sure enough, the next day another young woman is undressed in his examining room, and she has a big M on her chest. By this time the Doc has learned something, so he asks, “Does your boyfriend go to Michigan?" No, she replies, but my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

HaHa said:
Sure, enough the next day another young woman is undressed in his examining room, and she has a big M on her chest.
Click to expand...
What about Ohio State?
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I know this is a day late

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98, the Hilton charges $139, we do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A couple is trying to cut costs so that they can retire early:

Wife: You've got to stop drinking, we're spending $100 a month on booze.

Husband: Well what about the $100/month you spend on cosmetics and shampoo?

Wife: I use that so that I'll look good to you.

Husband: That's what I use the booze for!
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

You may not know this but many non living things have a gender.   :eek:

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can
see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to
warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are
pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you
have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8. An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last
5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Hmm,  You thought it'd be male , didn't  you?
But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without
it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he
keeps trying!   ;)
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Norwegian men take their wives everywhere. So they don't have to kiss them goodby.

Sven and Ole were at the beach. Sven says to Ole, "what can I do to make the girls like me?" Ole suggests that he put a potato in his trunks. Sven gives it a try, but come back and complains to Ole that it didn't work. Ole says to Sven, "you supposed to put it in the front."

Listening to Garrison Keiler as we drive down the road.
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Kinda like the Halloween costume: paint yourself red, put a potato in your pants, and go as a "communist dictator"...
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking
  a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches
  his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make -
  available now"

  Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes  into the shop. "I am the world's leading
  expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen
  to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

  "Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into
  the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

  Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts
  on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the
  world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I
  recognised none of those."

  "I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant.
  "If you'd care to step into the booth, I
  can let you have another 10 minutes."

  Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make,
  steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes
  out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the worlds
  leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still
  can't recognise any of those!"

  "I really am terribly sorry", says the
  young assistant...
















  "I've just realised I was playing you


















  the bee side!"
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

My wifes joke of the week. I think she turned an ethnic joke into a blonde joke. Ok with me.

Italian guy, mexican guy and a blonde guy are working on the 10th floor of a construction job. Italian guy opens his lunch and gripes "If I get one more meatball sub for lunch, i'm gonna jump off of this building!". Mexican guy opens his lunch and says "If I get one more burrito for lunch, i'm jumping too". Blonde guy opens his and says "If I get another boloney sandwich i'm gonna jump!".

Next day, italian guy opens his lunch box, meatball sub, he jumps. Mexican guy opens his lunch. Burrito. He jumps. Blonde guy opens his lunch. Boloney sandwich. He jumps.

At the joint funeral (hey, work with me here), their coworkers first grumble at the italian guys wife for making him meatball subs all the time, then they go after the mexican guys wife (hey, its not only a modified ethnic joke, its sexist as well!).

When they approach the blonde guys wife, she says "Hey, dont look at me...he made his own lunch!".

Its also not thursday, which I think pretty much rounds out the post.
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Bubba Goes to College

Ghost Sex.....

A professor at Texas A & M University was giving a lecture of the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats."
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Outtahere said:
Bubba Goes to College

Ghost Sex.....

A professor at Texas A & M University was giving a lecture of the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats."
Click to expand...
Wow, you really screwed that joke up  :p
Everybody knows that incident took place at UT, Austin  :LOL:
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

One night, George W. is tossing restlessly in his White House bed.

He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away.

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.

The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin,what is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist.

Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.

Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car, which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."
The two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Thinking he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign, which now read:
"TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

BAPTIZING A DRUNK
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, where upon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"


The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'. He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The damned funeral director would be my guess."
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

My contribution to the thread this week:

Go over to www.blogger.com and search for "half nekkid thursdays"
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A story headline on MSNBC.com:

"Thieves using Trojans to steal bank passwords"

There must be a joke about getting screwed in here somewhere...:D
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

SOME ONE LINERS

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own
pants.


Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.



I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it . So I said
"Implants?" She hit me.



How come we choose from just two people to run for president and fifty for
Miss America?



A good friend will come and bail you out of jail,but a true friend will be
sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"



I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in
the first place!



When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."



Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the
difference.



Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press
'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!



Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in
prison?



Wouldn't you know it. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells
live forever.



Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments
cannot be displayed in a federal building?



Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and,
since it's in English, thank a soldier !!"


AND

I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets
to the end, the faster it goes.
 
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