It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[tfudtuckerpucker]

Maybe this isn't a joke.

 

[RetireBy90]

Cute one scrapped from web

 

[Nemo2]

^ "Fido's not here." (Apologies to Cheech & Chong.)

 

[TromboneAl]

 

[Koogie]

"""My wife asked why I was whispering. I said I'm afraid the government is listening. She laughed. I laughed. Alexa and Siri laughed"""

 

[O2Bfree]

Two fonts walk into a bar and sit down to order drinks. They wait for the bartender to come over, but he doesn't. They wait, and wait some more. Finally, one font shouts over at him, "Hey, can we order some drinks here?", and the bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve your type here."

 

[brewer12345]

Where did Captain Hook get his hook?

From a second hand shop.

 

[NW-Bound]

The following are no jokes.


Rhotacism (speech impediment): the inability or difficulty in pronouncing the sound r.

In 2002, a tree was planted in a park in Los Angeles in memory of Beatles guitarist George Harrison. The tree later died after being infested by beetles.

Emerson Mose, the CEO of Crayola, retired after 35 years working there. He revealed that he was color blind.

The winners of an elementary school spelling bee competition in Utah received trophies with the inscription "Viewmont Spellling Bee".

 

[Walt34]

Signs at the eye doctor:

 

[NW-Bound]

Lenny had this phobia. Every night, he was afraid there was someone hiding under his bed.

The psychiatrist told him it would be cured if Lenny went to see him every week for a year. Each visit cost $200. Lenny said he would think about it.

Some time later, Lenny ran across the shrink, who asked why he had not come back. Lenny said his bartender fixed his fear for free.

The shrink asked "How?"

Lenny said "He told me to cut the legs off the bed".

 

[NW-Bound]

The first-grade teacher could not believe that her student did not care about the upcoming Super Bowl.

She asked "It's a huge event, why aren't you excited?"

The boy said "My parents are not football fans. They like baseball, so I do too".

The teacher said "That's not a good reason. What if your parents were morons? Then, what would you be?"

The boy said "I guess I would be a football fan".

 

[ls99]

In another forum thread about solar panels and stainless steel screw/hardware:

"Use lube and screw slowly to avoid sticky nuts."

 

[NW-Bound]

Five-year-old Mikey asked his grandpa: "Grandpa, what do you call two people on top of one another in bed?"

Grandpa was very uncomfortable, but did not want to confuse the kid, so decided to answer "It is called intercourse".

Mikey seemed satisfied, and walked away.

Five minutes later, he came back. "Grandpa, that's not right. I asked Mom, and she said it is called a bunk bed".

 

[Walt34]

Times change:

 

[NW-Bound]

 

[cbo111]

"Everything that my pee touches, is my kingdom"

~ Crusoe

 

[MissMolly]

"Everything that my pee touches, is my kingdom"

~ Crusoe

I had a dog like that

 

[braumeister]

My wife crashed her car yesterday.

She told the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking beer from a can at the time.

The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do whatever he wanted in his own back garden.

 

[MichaelB]

Arguing with your wife is like reading a software license agreement. Sooner or later you just give up, stop listening and say (or click) “I agree”.

 

[CardsFan]

Arguing with your wife is like reading a software license agreement. Sooner or later you just give up, stop listening and say (or click) “I agree”.

Truer words were never spoken!

 

[NW-Bound]

Why men cannot have 2 wives?

Because the laws protect men from cruel and unusual punishment.

 

[NW-Bound]

Husband: "If I die, will you remarry?"

Wife: "No. I will go live with my sister. And if I die, will you remarry?"

Husband: "No. I think I will go live with your sister too".

 

[NW-Bound]

It is probably true that girls tend to marry men who are like their fathers.

That would explain why so many mothers cry at their wedding.

 

[NW-Bound]

Wife to husband in bed: "Why don't you say dirty things to me?"

Husband: "The bathroom, the kitchen, the living room..."

 

[RetireBy90]

Great ones, thanks NW-Bound !!