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Old 09-24-2020, 08:44 AM   #5481
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion. She kept staring at an obviously drunk man, sitting all alone, swigging his drinks at
a nearby table.I asked, "Do you know him?"
"Yes," she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking years ago, right after we broke up. I heard he hasn't been sober
since."
"My goodness!" I said. "Who would have thought a person could
continue celebrating that long?
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Old 09-24-2020, 10:21 AM   #5482
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A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. The husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow slightly larger every day over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?"
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Old 09-24-2020, 05:44 PM   #5483
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An old man is told by his attorney that he is going to be audited by the IRS. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man laughs and pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows even a young man couldn't do that, an old man surly won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner is moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No way! On the way over here, he bet me $250,000 he could pee on your desk and paper work and you'd be happy about it!"
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Old 09-24-2020, 05:47 PM   #5484
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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this train ain't stopping here very long! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks in about 1 fricken minute." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
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Old 09-25-2020, 01:39 PM   #5485
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(Disclaimer - I didn't try to validate any of these quotes but I can relate to many of them regardless of who said them.)

Political comments sometimes can bring us together:

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno~
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office
~Aesop~
If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~
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Old 09-25-2020, 01:43 PM   #5486
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According to Bob & Tom, a guy walks into a bar and sees the sign, "Hand Jobs .50 cents and a cheese sandwich .10 cents". The guy asks the bartender "Are you the one doing the hand jobs? She replied, "Yes I am." The guy replied, " Well could you please wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich?"
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Old 09-25-2020, 01:44 PM   #5487
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Old 09-25-2020, 01:45 PM   #5488
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Car-Guy View Post
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~
Quite the girl, Mary Louise.
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Old 09-25-2020, 01:48 PM   #5489
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Probably doesn't work very well at all but it's a good excuse.



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Old 09-26-2020, 02:31 PM   #5490
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A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed' 'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'
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Old 09-27-2020, 06:25 AM   #5491
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Two 70 something-year-old men had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Frank was dying, Leonard visited him every day.
One day Leonard said, "Frank, we both loved playing golf all our
lives, and we started playing soon after high school. Please do me one
favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's
golf there."
Frank looked up at Leonard from his deathbed and said, "Leonard,
you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible,
I'll do this favor for you."
Shortly after that, Frank died.
A few weeks later, Leonard was awakened from a sound sleep by a
blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,
"Leonard!"
"Who is it?" asked Leonard, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Leonard -- it's me, Frank."
"You're not Frank. Frank just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Frank," insisted the voice.
"Frank! Where are you?"
"In heaven," replied Frank. "I have some really good news and a little
bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Leonard
"The good news," Frank said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there is
golf in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me
are here too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better
still, it's always Summertime and it never rains. And best of all, we
can play golf all we want, and we never get tired. And we get to play
with all the Greats of the past."
"That's fantastic," said Leonard. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So
what's the bad news?"
"You're in my foursome this Saturday.
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Old 09-27-2020, 08:07 AM   #5492
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The bad news, swallowing small amounts of saliva causes cancer. The goods news, it only causes cancer if you do this over many years.
Old Johnny Carson joke.
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Old 09-27-2020, 09:47 AM   #5493
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Who is smarter this time, the blonde or brunette?

Two female insurance agents (one blonde and one brunette) were back in the office after a long day in the field when the brunette said. "They've been working us like dogs for the last three months. I know how to get some time off work," the brunette agent whispered.
"How?" asked the blonde agent.
Instead of answering, the brunette quickly looked around and with no sign of her manager, she jumped up on her desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted herself up. "Look!" she whispered, then swings her legs over a metal pipe and hangs upside down.
Within seconds, the manager emerged from the lunchroom at the far end of the floor. He saw the agent hanging from the ceiling, and asked her what on earth she thought she was doing.
"I'm a light bulb," answered the brunette agent.
"I think you need some time off," barked the manager. "Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"
"Yes, sir", the agent answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off her computer and left.
The blonde agent jumped up and was hot on the brunette agents heels heading out the door too.
"Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.
"Home," she said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."
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Old 09-27-2020, 01:03 PM   #5494
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Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow has only 16. The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.
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Old 09-27-2020, 01:04 PM   #5495
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An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
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Old 09-27-2020, 02:05 PM   #5496
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An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Did you hear about the two antennas that married? The wedding wasn't much but you should have seen the reception!
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Old 09-27-2020, 03:35 PM   #5497
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This is a sad story of the depression that can haunt a man.

Marcel was sick and tired of the world; of Covid 19, Brexit, Russian belligerence, global warming, racial tensions, being a dumb ass and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.

Marcel drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station and started the car.

Four days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Marcel from the car. A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery.
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Old 09-28-2020, 12:49 PM   #5498
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I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said, "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important to me for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
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Old 09-28-2020, 12:51 PM   #5499
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A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right. Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."
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Old 09-28-2020, 12:52 PM   #5500
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A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower he said, "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where?"
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