It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[jIMOh]

A man was at the country club playing his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up playing all 18 of course, finishing his round shooting a personal best of 61, shattering the club record by 5 strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant... then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed off to the hospital. He found the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf, didn't you?! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past three hours enjoying yourself at the country club, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock' care. And YOU'LL be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just messing with ya, she's dead. So, what'd you shoot?"

 

[jIMOh]

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.

Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull$hit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

 

[jIMOh]

After a party, as a couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."

Then the wife yells, "Then what the hell gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"

 

[jIMOh]

A young man working at the bowling alley with his father accidentally overturned a cart full of bowling balls. John at the snack bar looked over and saw the boy struggling to right the tipped cart.

"Hey Chris," the snack bar employee said. "Forget your troubles for a bit. It's late. Come over here and try some of these new jalapeno poppers and fries. I'll help you with that cart after you eat."

"That's mighty nice of you, but Pa won't like that," Chris replied.

"Aw, come on, take a break for a bit," the man at the snack bar insisted.

"Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "But Pa won't like it."

After eating a few of the poppers with ranch dressing and a huge plate of golden French fries, Chris thanked the snack bar worker. "I feel a lot better now, but I just know that Pa will be upset."

"Nonsense," the cook said. "Where is your pa anyway?"

"Under the cart."

 

[jIMOh]

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

 

[jIMOh]

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING!

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?Remember these people can vote, which probably explains the current situation inWashington,DC

 

[eddieb]

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

He sat down next to a blonde named Betty at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as Betty the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

 

[Notmuchlonger]

What did the cake say to the knife?





YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?!


hehe heh hehe

 

[jIMOh]

A young couple on the brink of divorce visits a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife what the problem is. She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?"

The husband replies, "Well not exactly; it's her who suffers, not me."

 

[jIMOh]

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman thought about it a moment and said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, ‘Now you have everything.’"

 

[Redbugdave]

I thought this pretty funny...and I am even a Republican!

A Japanese doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A British doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House and now half the country is looking for work."

 

[jIMOh]

NOW THIS IS SWEET!
All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you
have forgiven your enemies?' 80% held up their hands. The Minister then
repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small
elderly lady. 'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how
a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation, and said:

'I outlived the bitches.'

 

[brewer12345]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes.

"WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000.
Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.

"WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked.

"MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$65,000.

"MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.

"WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000.

"MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.

"WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too.

"The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

​

 

[Walt34]

Three old men were talking about morning routines.

The first said, "I have it so bad. I get up at 7AM every morning and go into the bathroom and pray to be able to pee. I'm lucky to get a few drops."

"That's nothing," said the second. "I get up at 6Am every morning to go to the bathroom, and I strain and strain. If I'm lucky I actually produce something."

"You guys are lucky," says the third. "Every morning at 9AM I take a huge piss and dump."

"How is that bad?" Asked the first two.

"Because I don't get out of bed until 11AM."

 

[jIMOh]

Need a stupid neighbor to move? The solution is really easy.

Tell them 75% of all accidents occur within 20 miles from home. If they are stupid enough, they will move.

Rumor has it someone sent this to Hillary Clinton, so she decided to move from NY to Washington.
If someone promises to send this to GW at the White house, I will not stop you.

 

[jIMOh]

pics- do these show up?

 

[Notmuchlonger]

pics- do these show up?

no,well I can click on them to view

 

[jIMOh]

more pics

cannot display in line

 

[jIMOh]

Why boys need parents...

And you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like...
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6 .) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.

11.) 'Play dough' and 'microwave' should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

 

[Khan]

pics- do these show up?

No.

And my laptop doesn't know how to view them.

 

[Alan]

they all opened with MS Paint for me

 

[Alan]

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."
"Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer. The owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do basic computer tech support."
The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to do computer programming.
Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Boss."

 

[Sweetlip]

Irish Diet

Click for full size - Uploaded with plasq's Skitch


An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f**kin' skippin'







.

 

[Meadbh]

Proving once again that diet and exercise are better than diet alone!

Which reminds me of an Irish urban legend from the 1950s.......

Miss Mary Murphy was admitted to the Rotunda Hospital in Dublin, heavily pregnant and in heart failure. She had had rheumatic heart disease in childhood and each pregnancy had worsened her heart condition. At that time single parenthood was seriously frowned upon and very uncommon in Ireland. The intern who admitted Miss Murphy mustered his courage to ask her why she and Mr. O'Sullivan, the father of all the children, had never tied the knot. She replied that in her teens she had been warned that marriage could seriously compromise her health and she should avoid it at all costs.

Which only goes to show you should say what you mean......

 

[two4theroad]

World History

[FONT=times new roman,new york,times,serif][FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]For those of you who missed World History in school....



Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers.

They lived on deer, elk, bear, and other wild animals in the mountains during
the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the
winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the discovery of grain and
the invention of the wheel.

Once grain was available, it led immediately to the discovery of beer.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer more quickly.

These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst
for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1) Liberals, and 2) Conservatives.

Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early
humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed
close to the brewery.

That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while
they were drinking beer.

This was the beginning of what is now known as the Conservative movement.

Other men -- who were weaker and less skilled at hunting -- learned to live off
the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQs and doing the sewing,
fetching, hair dressing, and dancing around the fire.

This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. (Some of these Liberal men
eventually evolved into women.

The rest became known as girlie-men .)

Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the
invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to
decide how to divide the meat and beer that the Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful
land animal on earth, the elephant.

Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern Liberals like imported beer (with a slice of lime), but most prefer white
wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like their beef well
done.

Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare. Another interesting
evolutionary side note: most Liberal women have higher testosterone levels and
hairier legs than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys,
journalists, dreamers in Hollywood , and group therapists are liberals.

Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't fair
to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their
women.

Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction
workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives,
athletes, Sailors, Soldiers, Marines, and generally anyone who works
productively. Conservatives who own companies try to hire other conservatives
who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide
what to do with the production.

Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most
of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America .

These Liberals crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of
trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond
to the above before forwarding it; this is because he is more feminine and
touchier than a conservative.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of
this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and
to more Liberals just to tick them off.[/FONT]
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