It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

Status
Not open for further replies.


SMART ASS ANSWER #6 -- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied'
______________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see y our ticket, not your stub.'
_______________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
------------------------------
SMART ASS ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
______________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'
______________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 -- A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snic kering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
______________________________________________________________________
TWO BONUS EXTRAS:
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?' The clerk says, 'What denomination?' The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyte rian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.
_____________________________________________ __________
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect. He never heard the shot....
 
Dear employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.
This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HE.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S . ALTERNATIVELY, C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).
We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T . our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.IT . you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!
The Management

​
 
His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, “Let’s go”.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, “Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.”

“Why?” asked the pilot.

“Because I”m a photographer for Fox Cable News,” he responded. “And I need to get some close up shots.”

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, “So, what you’re telling me, is . .. you’re NOT my flight instructor?”
 
Originally posted by RonBoyd

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure — right from Day One! — that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me…….
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our
side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY:
Where’s my gun?
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on ‘THIS’ side of the road before it goes after the problem on the ‘OTHER SIDE’ of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his ‘CURRENT’ problems before adding ‘NEW’ problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he’s GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2009, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra………… Reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

 
Strange Riddles

Can a man legally marry his widow's sister in the state of California?


Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?


Even if they are starving, natives living in the Arctic will never eat a penguin's egg. Why not?


Forward I am heavy, but backward I am not. What am I?


How are a jeweler and a jailer alike?


If you were to take two apples from three apples, how many would you have?


I'm not an airplane, but I can fly through the sky. I'm not a river, but I'm full of water. What am I?


In a tunnel of darkness lies a beast of iron. It can only attack when pulled back. What is it?


In Okmulgee, Oklahoma, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?


In what year did Christmas Day and New Year's Day fall in the same year?




Answers:
Can a man legally marry his widow's sister in the state of California?
No, because he's dead.

Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
She lives in the Southern Hemisphere, where the seasons are reversed.

Even if they are starving, natives living in the Arctic will never eat a penguin's egg. Why not?
Penguins are native to Antarctica.

Forward I am heavy, but backward I am not. What am I?
A ton.

How are a jeweler and a jailer alike?
The jeweler sells watches and the jailer watches cells.

If you were to take two apples from three apples, how many would you have?
Two, what you take is what you have.

I'm not an airplane, but I can fly through the sky. I'm not a river, but I'm full of water. What am I?
A cloud.

In a tunnel of darkness lies a beast of iron. It can only attack when pulled back. What is it?
A bullet.

In Okmulgee, Oklahoma, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
You can't take a picture with a wooden leg! You need a camera.

In what year did Christmas Day and New Year's Day fall in the same year?
It happens every year.
​
 
>Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue
>needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best
>friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything
>together.
>
>
>
>Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
>Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him
>over.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't
>Bubba.'
>
>
>
>The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to
>confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said,
>'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.' The mortician rolled
>him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'
>
>
>
>The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had
>two assholes.'
>
>
>
>What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.'
>
>
>
>'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with
>them two assholes. '
 
Why's of Men



1.WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)



2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?(they don't have enough time)



3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?(they don't stop to ask directions)



4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)



(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)



6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)



7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?(don't know.....it never happened)


( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)


And the personal favorite:



8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)



Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your faceand laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!


One for the ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelledback, ' University of Oklahoma .'

And they say blondes are dumb...
--------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'


-----------------------------------------------------------


'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' 'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

--------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor


----------------------------------------------------- -

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
--------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

--------------------------------- ------ --------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
 
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class
one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a
positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a
double negative is still a negative. However, there is no
language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
 
Went to Kevin Kling's appearance and reading for his book "The Dog Says How" last night...His father had a slew of odd sayings.

Once when he was a kid his father was riding a bike and said it felt like a cheap hotel. Years later he figured out it was code for "No Ballroom"
 
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice."

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride raised all kind of hell with him, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do!"

The farmer said, "That's once."
 
Cowboy Chili

A young cowboy walks into 'The Oak' in San Angelo, TX
He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded
staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy
bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'


The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his
best cowboy manner says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his
place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the
bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.


The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'
 
Not a joke but pretty darn funny...

The Smithsonian Museum's phone answerers usually get questions like "How do you get there?" "When are you open?" Etc. More detailed questions get shunted to departments such as Anthropology. But every so often, you get funny ones. Here are some Cordelia Benedict of the Smithsonian's telephone information services and Marilyn London of the anthropology outreach and public information office have gotten over the years:


There's a mastadon in my back yard. Can you send some scientists to dig it up? "There was literally a mastodon buried on her ranch," Benedict says. "She was right. We referred her to the vertebrate department, I think."

Do you have the Original Bible? You know, 10 Commands, tablets, Moses, etc?

What's the name of the guy who invented the wheel? ("How do you know it was a man?" London replied.)

Where do you keep the flying saucers you've captured?

Can a small plane land on the Mall? The caller was sure it could since "all those planes in the Air and Space Museum had to get there somehow."

Is Fawn Hall's underwear on display? This from "two men in a Texas bar who obviously had a lot to drink," says Benedict.

Where is the Ark of the Covenant? (Try Indiana Jones movies.)

Does the Smithsonian display Civil War planes?

Is the Smithsonian interested in buying the carcass of Bigfoot?

Will the Smithsonian sell the starship Enterprise, used for the popular "Star Trek" television show? "She only wanted it if the transporter was in working condition," Benedict says. (The only life-size Enterprise at the Smithsonian is the space shuttle of the same name).

Can the Smithsonian set up a caller with a hula teacher? "Actually, I tracked one down for her," remembers London. "We have a curator involved in South Pacific and Hawaiian culture, so she knew one."

How do you say "I'm thinking of you" in Apache?

Can you send "all the information you have on human evolution, even the secret stuff?" from a grade school letter writer.

How about the coin George Washington tossed across the Delaware River?

Could the Smithsonian take a "petrified whale" off a caller's hands? He was referred to paleontology. "I told him that means `very old biology,' and he said, `good because this is a very old whale,'" Benedict recalls.

And one of Benedict's favorites: an offer to donate a collection of potato chips resembling "famous people and animals."
 
Can you count sheep?

How many sheep in this picture?

sheep.jpg
 
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss
Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and
Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey
Sweetheart, how'd you like to Krunch on my big hunk for a Million
Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll,
and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her
delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little
Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker
and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat
and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was
fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long
before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of
the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said,
"Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reese's
Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my
Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece
of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack,
you're better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong
up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was
giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden...my
Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow
Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough,
nine months later, out popped...........Baby Ruth!
 
I saw this ad in a Baton Rouge newspaper this morning. Entrepreneurs really stoop low here.Scooper.jpg
 
A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...​


Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?​



Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. ​

Older Woman: Oh, I see. ​

Officer: Can I see your license please? ​

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. ​

Officer: Don't have one? ​

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. ​

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. ​

Older Woman: I can't do that. ​

Officer: Why not? ​

Older Woman: I stole this car. ​

Officer: Stole it? ​

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.​

Officer: You what? ​

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see ​

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. ​

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle. ​

Older woman: Is there a problem sir? ​

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. ​

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? ​

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.​

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.​

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? ​

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.​

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. ​

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. ​

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. ​

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. ​

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
 
An oilman dies and, upon ascending to the Pearly Gates, is told by St. Peter that, while he deserves to get into heaven, can't go in because there already are too many oilmen in heaven.

The recently deceased asks St. Peter for an opportunity to have a minute to talk to those other oilmen. He also wants to know if he can convince any of those others to leave, whether he can make it into heaven. St. Peter says sure.

A minute or two later, there is a stampede of oilmen away from Heaven.

St. Peter, amazed, asked what the oilman's trick was.

It was easy, he said: He simply announced that oil had been discovered in Hell.

Amazingly, however, the oilman declined the promised invitation to enter Heaven, and instead began following the stampede. Why, St. Peter asked?

Because, the oil man responded, you never know -- the rumor about oil in Hell just might be true.
 
If you're Russian when you are running to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you're done in the bathroom... what are you when you're in the bathroom?






...


....

Wait for it..

....


European.
 
Picture a hill on top of which is a brothel. There are 3 men, one going up the hill, one at the top and one going down. Guess their nationalities.

The man going up the hill - he's a Russion

The man going down the hill - he's a Finnish

and the man at the top?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
------ himalayan
 
for the Dawg

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.'

'What's your name?' She asked.

He said, 'B J. Titsengolf'
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Similar threads

M
A Day in Provence
Replies
11
Views
1K
oiseux
O
Southern Geek
A 2022 Medicare Enrollment Tale
Replies
10
Views
2K
Southern Geek
Southern Geek
W
need advice from people who have done a lot of crazy things in life
5 6 7
Replies
157
Views
49K
Jeffman52
J
W
private boarding high school for niece
2 3
Replies
55
Views
4K
kfsinc
K
street
Christmas Story
Replies
6
Views
882
travelover
travelover

Latest posts

Back
Top Bottom