JPatrick
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
- Joined
- Jun 3, 2005
- Messages
- 2,610
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Pretty good, but can you say it in pidgin?
Pretty good, but can you say it in pidgin?
It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020
- Thread starter cute fuzzy bunny
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REWahoo
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Celebrity Quotes:
1. "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." -- Sharon Stone
2. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -- Tiger Woods
3. "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -- Jack Nicholson
4. "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." -- Robin Williams
5. "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." -- Robert De Niro
Celebrity Quotes:
1. "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." -- Sharon Stone
2. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -- Tiger Woods
3. "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -- Jack Nicholson
4. "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." -- Robin Williams
5. "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." -- Robert De Niro
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
These should help those of us who've retired, and comfort those who haven't.
For everyone who has ever had or given an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from employee performance evaluations. Which is your favorite??
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
13. "He's been working with glue too much."
14. "He would argue with a signpost."
15. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
16. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
17. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
18. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
19. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
20. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
21. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
22. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
23. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
24. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
25. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
26. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
27. "One neuron short of a synapse."
28. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
29. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
30. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"
These should help those of us who've retired, and comfort those who haven't.
For everyone who has ever had or given an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from employee performance evaluations. Which is your favorite??
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
13. "He's been working with glue too much."
14. "He would argue with a signpost."
15. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
16. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
17. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
18. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
19. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
20. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
21. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
22. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
23. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
24. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
25. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
26. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
27. "One neuron short of a synapse."
28. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
29. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
30. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Now I'm gonna have to look up the rest of those British Navy fitness reports.
"This officer has used my warship as a taxi to haul his alcoholic thirst and his genitals from one port to the next."Eagle43 said:
Now I'm gonna have to look up the rest of those British Navy fitness reports.
T
TromboneAl
Guest
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answered, "That's easy. We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman said, "Well, uh, that's because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and said, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair, and said, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responded, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third blonde and, in a very testy voice, asked, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" He quickly added, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman was surprised and speechless because he really didn't know himself if the suspect wore contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and get back to you on that." He left the room and went to his office, checked the suspect's file on his computer, and returned with a beaming smile. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's true! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied, "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answered, "That's easy. We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman said, "Well, uh, that's because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and said, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair, and said, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responded, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third blonde and, in a very testy voice, asked, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" He quickly added, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman was surprised and speechless because he really didn't know himself if the suspect wore contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and get back to you on that." He left the room and went to his office, checked the suspect's file on his computer, and returned with a beaming smile. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's true! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied, "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
REWahoo
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
A politician dies, his soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose were to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middlle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The politician reflects for a minute, then answers: "I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of an oppressively hot, barren landscape covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up trash and putting it in black bags.
The devil comes over to him and hands him a trash bag.
"I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning......
Today you voted"
A politician dies, his soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose were to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middlle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The politician reflects for a minute, then answers: "I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of an oppressively hot, barren landscape covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up trash and putting it in black bags.
The devil comes over to him and hands him a trash bag.
"I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning......
Today you voted"
brewer12345
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Mar 6, 2003
- Messages
- 18,085
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Reminds me about the joke about Heaven and Hell:
In Hell, the kegs have holes and the women don't...
Reminds me about the joke about Heaven and Hell:
In Hell, the kegs have holes and the women don't...
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
George W. Bush not only smiles and waves nicely, he always knows the right thing to say, too!
Once Bush & the Queen met at London's Heathrow airport. A 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.
They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses.
As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well.
But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and other islands. It shakes the coach.
Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous.
She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."
George W. Bush not only smiles and waves nicely, he always knows the right thing to say, too!
Once Bush & the Queen met at London's Heathrow airport. A 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.
They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses.
As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well.
But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and other islands. It shakes the coach.
Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous.
She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
A guy wakes up in the middle of the night to some noise coming from his shed. Listening closely, it's clear that some burglars are in there so he calls the police.
"There are some burglars in my shed. Please send over a policeman right away."
"It's a very busy night, but I'll try to get somebody over there soon."
After a few minutes still no police have arrived, and the man is getting kind of annoyed. He calls the police again.
"I called a few minutes ago about the burglars. Well, it's not a problem any more. I just shot them."
30 seconds later the first police car arrives, followed by several more in the next minute. The burglars are arrested and one of the cops asks him (somewhat annoyed): "I thought you said you'd shot the guys?" Whereupon the man replies, "I thought it's a very busy night."
Tim
A guy wakes up in the middle of the night to some noise coming from his shed. Listening closely, it's clear that some burglars are in there so he calls the police.
"There are some burglars in my shed. Please send over a policeman right away."
"It's a very busy night, but I'll try to get somebody over there soon."
After a few minutes still no police have arrived, and the man is getting kind of annoyed. He calls the police again.
"I called a few minutes ago about the burglars. Well, it's not a problem any more. I just shot them."
30 seconds later the first police car arrives, followed by several more in the next minute. The burglars are arrested and one of the cops asks him (somewhat annoyed): "I thought you said you'd shot the guys?" Whereupon the man replies, "I thought it's a very busy night."
Tim
dory36
Early-Retirement.org Founder, Developer of FIRECal
- Joined
- Jun 23, 2002
- Messages
- 1,841
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Q. When is a retiree's bedtime?
A. Three hours after s/he falls asleep on the couch.
Q. How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it might take all day.
Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A. There is not enough time to get everything done.
Q. Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
A. The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Q. Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
A. Tied shoes.
Q. Why do retirees count pennies?
A. They are the only ones who have the time.
Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A. NUTS!
Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic, or garage?
A. They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Q. What do retirees call a long lunch?
A. Normal
Q. What is the best way to describe retirement?
A. The never-ending Coffee Break.
Q. What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
A. If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Q. Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
A. He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Q. When is a retiree's bedtime?
A. Three hours after s/he falls asleep on the couch.
Q. How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it might take all day.
Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A. There is not enough time to get everything done.
Q. Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
A. The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Q. Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
A. Tied shoes.
Q. Why do retirees count pennies?
A. They are the only ones who have the time.
Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A. NUTS!
Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic, or garage?
A. They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Q. What do retirees call a long lunch?
A. Normal
Q. What is the best way to describe retirement?
A. The never-ending Coffee Break.
Q. What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
A. If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Q. Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
A. He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports
car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like" she growls with frustration?
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a police officer."
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports
car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like" she growls with frustration?
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a police officer."
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
I'm going to miss the next two Thursdays. I hope these will get everyone through until I'm back...
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
" Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. One said to the other: "I was artificially inseminated this morning." The other replied: "I don't believe you." The first one exclaimed: "It's true, no bull!"
9. An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Ba-dump-bump *CLANG*... Thanks, folks, I'll be back on the 4th!
I'm going to miss the next two Thursdays. I hope these will get everyone through until I'm back...
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
" Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. One said to the other: "I was artificially inseminated this morning." The other replied: "I don't believe you." The first one exclaimed: "It's true, no bull!"
9. An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Ba-dump-bump *CLANG*... Thanks, folks, I'll be back on the 4th!
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
A local barber shop installed a new robotic barber to
take some of the pressure off of him.
A fellow came in for a haircut and after being told
about the "new barber" decided he would give it a try.
As the robot began to cut his hair, it asked the man,
"What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "140." So the robot preceded to make
conversation about physics, astronomy, investments,
insurance, and so on. The man listened intently and said
"This is really cool."
Later another man who was waiting for a haircut
stepped up to the robot's chair, sat down and the
robot asked him before beginning his haircut, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied "100." So the robot started talking
about football, baseball, and so on. This man
too thought to himself "Wow! This is really cool."
Next, a third man stepped up to the robot's chair,
seated himself and the robot, as with the others,
asked him "What's your IQ?"
The man replied "50."
The robot then said, "So, I understand you Democrats
are really excited about Hilary running for president?"
A local barber shop installed a new robotic barber to
take some of the pressure off of him.
A fellow came in for a haircut and after being told
about the "new barber" decided he would give it a try.
As the robot began to cut his hair, it asked the man,
"What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "140." So the robot preceded to make
conversation about physics, astronomy, investments,
insurance, and so on. The man listened intently and said
"This is really cool."
Later another man who was waiting for a haircut
stepped up to the robot's chair, sat down and the
robot asked him before beginning his haircut, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied "100." So the robot started talking
about football, baseball, and so on. This man
too thought to himself "Wow! This is really cool."
Next, a third man stepped up to the robot's chair,
seated himself and the robot, as with the others,
asked him "What's your IQ?"
The man replied "50."
The robot then said, "So, I understand you Democrats
are really excited about Hilary running for president?"
riskadverse
Full time employment: Posting here.
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2002
- Messages
- 717
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
The man replied "50."
The robot then said, "Have you heard about WMD in Iraq?"
The man replied "50."
The robot then said, "Have you heard about WMD in Iraq?"
greg
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
- Joined
- Jun 1, 2005
- Messages
- 1,071
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
(): I've been thinking about your standing $100,000 offer for anyone capable of writing a program that sends a dog out of a computer screen to bite a particular viewer. First though, you need to raise the incentive a bit. $100,000 is not enough for such a computer program.
Also, after thinking about it, I see a liability lurking in the background. If someone stole this program from you, it could create huge liability problems (speak to my lawyer about this), with biting dogs all over the place, attacking people the most when they would least like it--and right above their lap, so to speak. Bad stuff--especially if unauthorized people get ahold of it.
And besides, I think such a software program if it worked would be worth billions to the pornography business. Of course a few modifications would need to be made before it worked the way 'they' wanted it to work. . . umm . . . naa . . . .
. . . . but back to your original request. I think you would be better served with a program that could get people to bite themselves. This would reduce the liability issue almost to zero.
I'm going away for a while. I'm thinking about this board waaaaaaaaaay toooooo much.
--Greg
(): I've been thinking about your standing $100,000 offer for anyone capable of writing a program that sends a dog out of a computer screen to bite a particular viewer. First though, you need to raise the incentive a bit. $100,000 is not enough for such a computer program.
Also, after thinking about it, I see a liability lurking in the background. If someone stole this program from you, it could create huge liability problems (speak to my lawyer about this), with biting dogs all over the place, attacking people the most when they would least like it--and right above their lap, so to speak. Bad stuff--especially if unauthorized people get ahold of it.
And besides, I think such a software program if it worked would be worth billions to the pornography business.
Of course a few modifications would need to be made before it worked the way 'they' wanted it to work. . . umm . . . naa . . . . . . . . but back to your original request. I think you would be better served with a program that could get people to bite themselves. This would reduce the liability issue almost to zero.
I'm going away for a while. I'm thinking about this board waaaaaaaaaay toooooo much.
--Greg
OldAgePensioner
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
- Joined
- Jun 1, 2005
- Messages
- 1,352
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Unclemick2, JohnGalt2u, and OAP are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar
is a nice place.
Then Unclemick2 says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but
where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better
one.
At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another
drink,
and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then JohnGalt2u says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but
where I come from, there's a better one. Over in
Brooklyn,
there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a
drink,
Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny
buys
you anudda drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then OAP (of Polish decent) says, "You think that's great?
Where
I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's.
At
Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy
you
your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and
then,
they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did
that
actually happen to you?"
"No," replies OAP, "but it happened to my sister!"
Unclemick2, JohnGalt2u, and OAP are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar
is a nice place.
Then Unclemick2 says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but
where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better
one.
At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another
drink,
and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then JohnGalt2u says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but
where I come from, there's a better one. Over in
Brooklyn,
there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a
drink,
Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny
buys
you anudda drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then OAP (of Polish decent) says, "You think that's great?
Where
I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's.
At
Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy
you
your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and
then,
they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did
that
actually happen to you?"
"No," replies OAP, "but it happened to my sister!"
OP
OP
cute fuzzy bunny
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
How about you bite ME!
Apocalypse . . .um . . .SOON said:(): I've been thinking about your standing $100,000 offer for anyone capable of writing a program that sends a dog out of a computer screen to bite a particular viewer. First though, you need to raise the incentive a bit. $100,000 is not enough for such a computer program.
Also, after thinking about it, I see a liability lurking in the background. If someone stole this program from you, it could create huge liability problems (speak to my lawyer about this), with biting dogs all over the place, attacking people the most when they would least like it--and right above their lap, so to speak. Bad stuff--especially if unauthorized people get ahold of it.
And besides, I think such a software program if it worked would be worth billions to the pornography business.
. . . . but back to your original request. I think you would be better served with a program that could get people to bite themselves. This would reduce the liability issue almost to zero.
I'm going away for a while. I'm thinking about this board waaaaaaaaaay toooooo much.
--Greg
How about you bite ME!
haha
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Great joke, OAP. Give us more!
ha
OldAgePensioner said:
Great joke, OAP. Give us more!
ha
OldAgePensioner
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
- Joined
- Jun 1, 2005
- Messages
- 1,352
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
HaHa, this could be the joke that defines Unclemick1, JohnGalt2us and me.
At the dreaded vet's waiting room, three dogs are shivering with what may happen because Mick, John and OAP have brought in a Poodle, a Beagle and a Bull Mastiff to DogsRUs VETS.
While sitting in the waiting room. the Bull Mastiff asks the Poodle why she's in for treatment today and she says: " I bark a lot so my master brought me here to get my vocal cords cut. "
So he asks the Beagle what he in for, "Oh, I keep getting my tail unders rockers and my owner want's it docked."
But the Beagle, asks" hey Bull Mastiff, why are you here"? He admits "Oh it's cause I saw my master drop her soap and I did what any dog would do".
Both dogs ask: "Oh NO, what are you in for?" Mastiff says "Oh, just a nail trim."
HaHa, this could be the joke that defines Unclemick1, JohnGalt2us and me.
At the dreaded vet's waiting room, three dogs are shivering with what may happen because Mick, John and OAP have brought in a Poodle, a Beagle and a Bull Mastiff to DogsRUs VETS.
While sitting in the waiting room. the Bull Mastiff asks the Poodle why she's in for treatment today and she says: " I bark a lot so my master brought me here to get my vocal cords cut. "
So he asks the Beagle what he in for, "Oh, I keep getting my tail unders rockers and my owner want's it docked."
But the Beagle, asks" hey Bull Mastiff, why are you here"? He admits "Oh it's cause I saw my master drop her soap and I did what any dog would do".
Both dogs ask: "Oh NO, what are you in for?" Mastiff says "Oh, just a nail trim."
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Obviously this e-mail originated from a woman (a comedienne who had
mastered the use of technology).
MEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, cheque or card?" the cashier asks, after ringing up the items the
woman wishes to purchase. As she fumbles for her wallet, the cashier
notices a remote control for a television set in her handbag.
"So you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asks.
"No," she replies, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I
figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can
take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by
the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales
girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is
looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct
aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a
ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for
your wife?"
He answers, "It's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the shop to get
me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of Golden Virginia
and some Rizla papers; 'because it's so-o-o-o much cheaper.'
"So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... so does she."
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drive down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An
earlier discussion led to an argument and neither of them wants to concede
their position. As they pass a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the
husband asks sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "
Yep," the wife replies, "in-laws."
WORDS
A man reads an article to his wife about how many words women use a day:
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replies, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men."
The man replies, "What?"
CREATION
A man says to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and
so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responds, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would
be attracted to me, whereas God made me stupid so I would be attracted to
you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife are having an argument about who should brew the coffee
each morning. She says, "You should do it, because you get up first, and
then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
He says, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it,
because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
She says, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the
man should do the coffee."
He replies, "WHAT?!?!? I can't believe that, show me."
She fetches the Bible, opens the New Testament and shows him at the top of
several pages, that it does indeed say ...
"HEBREWS"
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife are having some problems at home and are giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realises that the next day,
he needs his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
writes on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left
it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, he wakes up, only to discover it is 9:00 AM and he has
missed his flight. Furious, he is about to go and see why his wife hasn't
awoken him, when he notices a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said,
"It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for such contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft
before the masterpiece.
Obviously this e-mail originated from a woman (a comedienne who had
mastered the use of technology).
MEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, cheque or card?" the cashier asks, after ringing up the items the
woman wishes to purchase. As she fumbles for her wallet, the cashier
notices a remote control for a television set in her handbag.
"So you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asks.
"No," she replies, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I
figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can
take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by
the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales
girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is
looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct
aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a
ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for
your wife?"
He answers, "It's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the shop to get
me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of Golden Virginia
and some Rizla papers; 'because it's so-o-o-o much cheaper.'
"So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... so does she."
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drive down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An
earlier discussion led to an argument and neither of them wants to concede
their position. As they pass a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the
husband asks sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "
Yep," the wife replies, "in-laws."
WORDS
A man reads an article to his wife about how many words women use a day:
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replies, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men."
The man replies, "What?"
CREATION
A man says to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and
so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responds, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would
be attracted to me, whereas God made me stupid so I would be attracted to
you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife are having an argument about who should brew the coffee
each morning. She says, "You should do it, because you get up first, and
then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
He says, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it,
because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
She says, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the
man should do the coffee."
He replies, "WHAT?!?!? I can't believe that, show me."
She fetches the Bible, opens the New Testament and shows him at the top of
several pages, that it does indeed say ...
"HEBREWS"
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife are having some problems at home and are giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realises that the next day,
he needs his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
writes on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left
it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, he wakes up, only to discover it is 9:00 AM and he has
missed his flight. Furious, he is about to go and see why his wife hasn't
awoken him, when he notices a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said,
"It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for such contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft
before the masterpiece.
- Status
