Stepbrother Doesn't Work - Consequences/Prognosis (?)

[ivinsfan]

I disagree. Note my comment was the level of support, which is not the same as supporting. Many folks give to charitable causes and incorporate the ability or desire to provide some level of support to others in their plans.

Agreed and that's what the OP needs to figure out. But if he gives, he should give what amount he sets because he wants to, not because he feels obligated..


Or he could stash away X a year and let accumulate until/if SB has an emergency , then disburse.



The OP doesn't say that the SB asks for money or feel unsatisfied with his life.

 

[Irishgirlyc58]

I’ve been in social services in California for 35 years. Here are some of my thoughts.
Your step brother may have a mental illness. Social anxiety, or something even more severe.
However you can’t make him go in for assessment. That would need to be his decision.
I’m not sure how his rent is subsidized but if he is paying $100/mo they are using some type of income. With section 8 if you have no or little income your rent is $0. When your income goes up you continue to get the rent subsidies at 30% of income. So, it doesn’t just go from $100-$1,500 unless your income is such that $1500 is 30%.
It’s possible that he is receiving General Assistance from the county he lives in. The amount is county specific but is typically not much. Maybe $300/mo and can be time limited- some counties have a 3 month within 12 month restriction.
He should also be getting food stamps- CalFresh in CA and medi-cal.
When he is 65 he could be eligible to SSI unless the special needs trust? (I think that’s what you said!) provides a higher income. If he has a documented disability he could get SSI now but that is not easy to get.

I agree with others- you are not responsible for him. Help him out if that is what you want to do at a level you are comfortable doing and letting go. You likely won’t change him.

I had a family member like this and I realized a long time ago it would torture me more not to help him than to help him.

I probably have more to say but I’ve forgotten what that is!

 

[Dtail]

Not your problem and don't give him any monies under any circumstance.
Try to convince yourself away from any guilt, folks like this can prey on these feelings.

 

[jollystomper]

The OP doesn't say that the SB asks for money or feel unsatisfied with his life.

This is an excellent point regarding this situation. The SB does not sound like he is doing drugs, is involved in criminal activities, is mean to people, kicks small furry animals, etc. He is living on his own at a level he can afford. Nothing was said about how he keeps his apartment, he may be a clean and neat person. He may be picking up extra cash as he needs as a side gig. He does not seem to be asking anyone for anything. The descriptions of "ne-er do-well" do not seem to fit, based on the information provided.

It is probably a financial existence many here cannot understand, he does not have "enough" - but I submit that many of us have a financial existence that many would not understand, that we have "too much".

In all likelihood, if he is happy with where he is at, and is not the type to ask for help, even if he does run into financial troubles he may still be reluctant to ask for help.

 

[Badger]

From what I gather from the posts from the OP it sounds like his step brother is going to do what he wants regardless of any suggestions that he receives or help he is given. I have gone through a similar scenario like this with my best friend of 55 years. I finally had to walk away. It seems like the OP in addition to the step brother needs help. The step brother is not his problem but he is trying to solve it. His step brother will continue to make him miserable until the OP realizes it is out of his hands. For the OP own piece of mind I would suggest a good therapist for counseling.



Cheers!

 

[Speculator]

"I dont really want to have to take care of him later in life."

In my opinion, you may not have to. From what you've described, "later in life" could mean decades from now and I think that worrying about something so far in the future is futile and subjects you to unnecessary stress. Your stepbrother appears to be content being where he is in life and as several folks have mentioned, he will not change until he thinks he has to to meet whatever "needs" he has. And right now, apparently, his needs are being met. As for you taking care of him in later life, maybe your life will change and you won't be able to. Or, maybe your stepbrother will change and you won't need to take care of him. Or, maybe, you will have such a huge pot of money that if the time comes to take care of your stepbrother, you may get some satisfaction out of it. Who knows? I'd say to wait and see what happens, and try not to dwell on your stepbrother's behaviors and his future behaviors; just focus on today, continue modeling good financial and responsible behavior for him to see and keep building that "pot of money" you are probably working on!

 

[brett]

Are you looking for a problem to solve

If so, this is not the one to choose. BIL will not change. Nor will you change him.

Not your responsibility. Not your problem. Run away....don't walk!

 

[Time2]

People also have a short-term view sometimes, I remember folks telling me they didn't want to work overtime and get paid time and a half, as they would have to pay more income taxes

Many people don't understand how taxes work. They work overtime, that extra income when plugged into the computer, (used to be a book the secretary looked at) says you make $xxx this week and the proper amount is taken out of your check, as if you make that amount every week of the year. So, when they get their check it looks like the overtime really costs them a lot in taxes, i.e. their check it not that much bigger for all the time they put in. They just don't realize they will get the over paid amount returned when they do their taxes.

 

[street]

Makes me wonder if part of the "can't find anybody to work all these open jobs" problem is that a lot of people discovered programs like your step brother's county program while they were home collecting taxpayer money all these months.

Exactly! Jobs galore around here and don't have to travel to far and there are jobs available in the 75 to 100K a year jobs with benefits and can't find workers. You have to work with the jobs I'm talking about and not easy work either. People don't want to WORK they want to get paid to do nothing.

 

[rk911]

1. He will not change.
2. #1 is not your problem in any way, shape or form.

you've done your part. that's all you can do. let's hope he wakes up amd soon.

 

[aja8888]

1. He will not change.
2. #1 is not your problem in any way, shape or form.

Read this again, and if you can't remember it, write it down and paste it on your refrigerator.

 

[RetiredAt55.5]

I can understand the OP's concern. Despite it not being their problem, fast forward 10-20 years the step brother shows up on the doorstep destitute, without any money or a place to stay, maybe with a serious illness.

Are you really going to turn them away? Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

 

[Bamaman]

There is a subculture that you'll find in an apartment complex that accepts Section VIII housing. They either won't work under any terms, or they're part of society that works "under the table."

In our community, meth and other illegal drugs push many chronically unemployed to be part time thieves. They don't have driver's licenses due to past traffic and court fines and cannot even own cars because they cannot get required insurance without a license. Many are couch surfers--just staying wherever someone will let'em sleep.

If the brother in law is lawful and just living in low income housing, he may have deep depression. Many depressives could help, but they won't help themselves because they don't like the way the meds make'em feel.

If a family is well off enough to supplement such a minimal lifestyle, you cannot will much money or make them a beneficiary on IRA's/401K's. They'd spend it all fast or let bums con them out of their funds. Special needs trusts can be setup to pay insurance premiums or other month to month expenses. Creditors cannot attach any trust funds that way. It's just a dismal way to live, but there are millions that are stuck in such situations without any desire to get a job and live a traditional life.

 

[RetiredHappy]

There is a subculture that you'll find in an apartment complex that accepts Section VIII housing. They either won't work under any terms, or they're part of society that works "under the table."

In our community, meth and other illegal drugs push many chronically unemployed to be part time thieves. They don't have driver's licenses due to past traffic and court fines and cannot even own cars because they cannot get required insurance without a license. Many are couch surfers--just staying wherever someone will let'em sleep.

If the brother in law is lawful and just living in low income housing, he may have deep depression. Many depressives could help, but they won't help themselves because they don't like the way the meds make'em feel.

If a family is well off enough to supplement such a minimal lifestyle, you cannot will much money or make them a beneficiary on IRA's/401K's. They'd spend it all fast or let bums con them out of their funds. Special needs trusts can be setup to pay insurance premiums or other month to month expenses. Creditors cannot attach any trust funds that way. It's just a dismal way to live, but there are millions that are stuck in such situations without any desire to get a job and live a traditional life.

Well said. Hence my question to OP whether his step brother is disabled and I have not gotten a response yet.

It is easy for SGOTI to pass harsh judgment on his step brother here on the forum. We don't know enough about why he is living in subsidized housing and if he is getting other disability payments. He may never work another day in his life because of a disability and he may also be alright financially for the rest of his life.

 

[gauss]

I can understand the OP's concern. Despite it not being their problem, fast forward 10-20 years the step brother shows up on the doorstep destitute, without any money or a place to stay, maybe with a serious illness.

Are you really going to turn them away? Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

If addiction of some sort is in play then indeed this could be a scenario that plays out.

Lacking any addiction or underworld debt issues, I think this should be less of a concern.

The low income "safety-net" in this country favors those who are both low income, and either disabled or elderly.

At age 65 D(S)B could be looking at Supplmental Security Income cash income of on the order of $700 per month. This is for poor people - totally different than the regular Social Security that most of us look forward to. No 40 quarters of earned income are required to qualify for SSI.

He could also qualify for Section 8 housing assistance (if he can find a place--there may be waiting lists and supply shortages).

He would also likely qualify for SNAP food assistance (aka food stamps).

The serious illness could be addressed under the Medicaid program.

I think his financial situation could be improved in 20 years (assuming he is not already considered disabled and making use of these programs) over today.

OP may wish to familiarize themselves on the details of these programs in their state, if only for their own peace of mind, if DB is not already a participant.

OP should not need to "bail out" the DB and doing so would likely be a mistake as others have said.

If on the other hand OP desires to entangle themselves with DB, hopefully that is a choice that is made with both eyes open and all the information considered.

-gauss

 

[pc95]

Is he disabled, if so, in what way?

I don't think so. Thx.

 

[Morgan22]

You must not have grown up around this type of people. It's more common than you think.

Your step brother is taking care of himself fine. He doesn't have a problem with the way he lives and it sounds like he is comfortable enough. It sounds like he is receiving assistance that meets all his needs.

The only thing that will ruin this arrangement for him is additional income. If he is going to receive an inheritance in the future, hopefully its from a special needs trust so he does not lose his benefits. Because if he loses his benefits, it may be difficult/take some time to get them back if he runs out of money.

 

[Amethyst]

Based on what some people have said about available benefits, you could almost consider him ER'd on a shoestring.

 

[pc95]

My guess is that he is working, just not at something most of us would consider a normal way to make money.

Beware, if you help him out, you may be creating your own Crazy Maker who will torment you for years.

"Gosh pc95, if you had lent/given me that $400 a few months ago, I would be fine today and not living in my car." <--- You don't want to go there.

He has not asked for money directly.

At one point he was living out of a car I think between 2004 and 2008 for some smaller amount of time when younger.

My afore-mentioned co-worker told me they helped out his wife's sister, "giving" money that on the condition/"understanding" that it was a one-time bestowment. However she called again and again to which they actually refused.

https://www.thesimpledollar.com/financial-wellness/the-loved-one-who-wont-help-himself-or-herself/

I had not heard "crazy-maker"

https://www.yourtango.com/experts/l...ypes-emotionally-abusive-behavior-they-engage

Not sure step-brother fits the descriptions per se, but I understand the warning.

Thanks.

 

[pc95]

"I dont really want to have to take care of him later in life."

In my opinion, you may not have to. From what you've described, "later in life" could mean decades from now and I think that worrying about something so far in the future is futile and subjects you to unnecessary stress. Your stepbrother appears to be content being where he is in life and as several folks have mentioned, he will not change until he thinks he has to to meet whatever "needs" he has. And right now, apparently, his needs are being met. As for you taking care of him in later life, maybe your life will change and you won't be able to. Or, maybe your stepbrother will change and you won't need to take care of him. Or, maybe, you will have such a huge pot of money that if the time comes to take care of your stepbrother, you may get some satisfaction out of it. Who knows? I'd say to wait and see what happens, and try not to dwell on your stepbrother's behaviors and his future behaviors; just focus on today, continue modeling good financial and responsible behavior for him to see and keep building that "pot of money" you are probably working on!

Thank you - This is true, I'm dwelling on the future which hasn't happened, and could have large #s of outcomes.

It is personal, and the past comes heavily into play. It is a peculiar experience knowing someone first as classmate, friend, then stepbrother. Someone asked why I have guilt, and thinking about it, because I catch myself in judgement. I'm conflicted about it.

 

[DaveInMi]

My Dad once said,
"Poor people have poor ways."

 

[Irishgirlyc58]

Thank you - This is true, I'm dwelling on the future which hasn't happened, and could have large #s of outcomes.

It is personal, and the past comes heavily into play. It is a peculiar experience knowing someone first as classmate, friend, then stepbrother. Someone asked why I have guilt, and thinking about it, because I catch myself in judgement. I'm conflicted about it.

I think a lot of us would be conflicted about this.
What does his dad say, anything?

 

[blueskyk]

Anyway my wife, closest friend, and brother have said the same things to me about not being responsible, however something doesn't sit well about it to me. From time-to-time something gnaws at me in my psyche - part guilt, part empathy. Its as if, where is the time going generally?



Thanks for comments.

I get this. I have a step-family member that is less than my personal definition of responsible and productive and feel like they have been enabled by their siblings. Once my Dad died, I created more of a boundary there. I reserve the right to respond in the future but no longer feel like I must or worry about their impact on my future.

So, for me it wasn’t a once and done but more like, hmmm, maybe I’ll help, maybe I won’t. If I do help, that aid will be specific, limited in scope and duration - like maybe a true emergency thing. And even that is a big maybe. So, it doesn’t take up a bunch of space in my heart and head.

 

[Music Lover]

It doesn't sound like they're pulling the "poor me" excuse or can't hold a job so the obvious explanation is they're happy with not working. That's their mindset and you can't change it.

The good news is that society takes care of people and it's almost impossible to starve to death. They'll never be rich but they will get by...and for them that's enough.

 

[MarieIG]

I don't think so. Thx.

Hi PC95. In the original post, you mentioned a disability trust. Was this a spendthrift trust?

If so, please think about speaking to your step father, and making sure that you are NOT a trustee. (This will avoid your step-brother pestering you to increase his payments.)

What you can do, is think about reasonable limitations on any future assistance. In other words, a great deal of his expenses are otherwise covered and you should not be taking them on. Forget about loans. To the extent warranted, you might speak with a social worker on his behalf, but that's a long way away.

You may wish to give sporadic practical gifts, in the future, something like groceries or a warm coat - but under the circumstances - I would not "assume responsibility" for any of the overhead/ ongoing care. Don't let him see you as a source of income or support.