Talk To Me About The Finality of Things

[Koolau]

I haven't hit this, but my parents have, since they no longer travel. My dad mentioned how he'd never see his older brother again. A couple of us offered to travel with him (he's much more fit for travel that mom is, just can't see well), but he said no.

Reminded me so much of the movie THE STRAIGHT STORY. Here's a clip (best part about brothers begins at about 2:30.) I think this story encapsulates a lot of what we're talking about in this thread. YMMV

 

[WestUniversity]

It’s amazing that over the years people I thought would be in my life for the long stretch are gone, and the new people that have showed up that are such a blessing. I’ve come to recognize however that most people are in my life for a season or a few seasons. There are very few that go the distance.

It’s interesting though occasionally I will talk to a friend about a mutual friend of ours and this friend will say to me “so what’s up with our mutual friend? I never hear anything.”

And of course I’m thinking to myself that they could ask them themselves. I mean the phone does work both directions. That lack of initiative in maintaining friendships seems all to pervasive…

 

[Koolau]

It’s amazing that over the years people I thought would be in my life for the long stretch are gone, and the new people that have showed up that are such a blessing. I’ve come to recognize however that most people are in my life for a season or a few seasons. There are very few that go the distance.

It’s interesting though occasionally I will talk to a friend about a mutual friend of ours and this friend will say to me “so what’s up with our mutual friend? I never hear anything.”

And of course I’m thinking to myself that they could ask them themselves. I mean the phone does work both directions. That lack of initiative in maintaining friendships seems all to pervasive…

We've let friends "slip away" not so much intentionally but through "benign neglect." I believe we must have thought there would be plenty of time to reconnect. In most cases, the reconnection never happens because time goes much faster than any of us can fathom - until it is too late. YMMV

 

[easysurfer]

Thank you to everyone for all the perspectives. A reminder that the one constant in life is change. So, cherish the moments before they slip away into the stream of just memories.

 

[Koolau]

Thank you to everyone for all the perspectives. A reminder that the one constant in life is change. So, cherish the moments before they slip away into the stream of just memories.

We're glad to help - now searching for my "depression" meds as we speak.

 

[mbooth]

All things must pass. All things must pass away! - George Harrison

 

[tmm99]

My former co-worker got laid off, and he sent an email to everyone saying "Nothing stays the same and everything comes to an end." I still remember because I thought what he said was brilliant. Is that a famous quote or something? He was originally from Siberia.

 

[Bryan Barnfellow]

One other thought: The "truth" of a relationship becomes apparent when the ease of maintaining it disappears. Even though I've lost many friends and acquaintances due to situational changes over the years, the losses were only superficial, as neither party made any effort to maintain contact on any level. Sad, but not so sad. In fact, barely registering on the emotion detector. Otherwise, we would have done something about it.

I tend to look at friendships in terms of circles of closeness. A small, tight circle in the center of closest friends (and family if you'd like), then in larger circles moving outward of decreasing closeness/intimacy. At the outer circle are situational/work friends, people I say hello to on a bus regularly, and so on.

My wife and I spend time doing things that we hope will move friends from the outer circles into the inner ones, so that we have the best chance at a rewarding social life. We prefer not to leave it to chance so much, if we can help it. We also use this method to populate our calendars with calls, messages, FB posts, etc. that ensure that we aren't letting important relationships drift away from us.

It's a bit more intuitive and casual than I am describing and is mostly done through conversations that pop up from time to time; but it does work.

-BB

 

[target2019]

Been missing a friend that moved away a few weeks ago.

I suppose because of the finality of probably never ever saying hello and chatting again in person.

Yet, I've done the math. We really weren't hang out buddies but more like pleasant acquaintances. About once a year, maybe run into each other a couple times, so that's only like about 5 minutes of actually encounter time. So, if she didn't move away and we lived 20 more years, that's only about 100 more minutes of encounter time. But the finality of knowing the end is still emotional.

I think of other people too. People in the past who I've lost touch with as I will probably never see again. So in a sense, they are gone from my life. Or even relatives. Some I only see maybe once a few years if there is a family event or crisis. So, with that math, that's not many times of actual encounters before we pass on. Yet, because there's no official finality, things don't seem so sober.

Talk to me ... .

How many "key" people have you met in your life? For myself I'd count a few early childhood friends, a handful of friends from places of work, and just a few random people I got really close to for whatever reason.

As an example of the third variety, I attended user group meetings in the early 80's. Out of a thousand people I still talk with one friend about everything under the sun. I will definitely miss him at some point.

I don't include family in this discussion. Too difficult to comprehend that ball of wax.

 

[mountainsoft]

I moved around a lot when I was a kid so I never really had any long term childhood friends. We finally settled down when I started high school and I developed a close friendship. We were best friends, did everything together, and he was the best man at my wedding. He moved away a couple years later, and while we tried to keep in touch for a couple years, we eventually went our own ways. I've talked to him once or twice in the last 30+ years, but that's about it. Kind of bummer, I enjoyed spending time with him, but he has a new life and new friends. I never really found new friends, but I guess I've got my own life too. We follow each other on Facebook, but rarely interact.

I did step outside my comfort zone back in the early 90's and joined a computer user group. I developed a couple friendships, but once the group shut down the friendships soon ended too.

I moved away from my home town when I was 11 years old. Except for a couple of visits every five years or so, I never saw my dad or grandparents again before they died.

These days my wife is really the only true friend I have. I'm just not the type to go out and meet new people.

 

[lawman]

Eventually life becomes a process of letting things go. Concentrate on the good experiences you can still have, the loved ones you can still enjoy. Dwelling on what we've lost only sours the time we have left.

This

 

[Global Wizzo]

Use FaceTime, call and hope she reciprocates. If not, let it go.

 

[tuckeverlasting]

A very evocative and thoughtful thread.

 

[Maidensong]

Trapped in Amber

I've lived in 9 states, all 4 contiguous US time zones, so we've moved around a lot. Which means over my lifetime, I've left a lot of people. There are occasional phone calls, brief messages on FB, but distance means the relationships cannot be the same. And the people I've left seem to have frozen in time. They don't age. They don't change. Even when I hear someone has died, I have trouble believing it.

If you need some sort of closure with the people you have lost, write them a letter. Even if you never mail it, you will have told them what they meant to you. You will have acknowledged your loss.

 

[easysurfer]

I've lived in 9 states, all 4 contiguous US time zones, so we've moved around a lot. Which means over my lifetime, I've left a lot of people. There are occasional phone calls, brief messages on FB, but distance means the relationships cannot be the same. And the people I've left seem to have frozen in time. They don't age. They don't change. Even when I hear someone has died, I have trouble believing it.

If you need some sort of closure with the people you have lost, write them a letter. Even if you never mail it, you will have told them what they meant to you. You will have acknowledged your loss.

The writing a letter and never mailing is a good idea (also suggested I've read if you wish to tell a bad boss off but can't really send the letter ).

As for the frozen in time. I always wonder if best to leave the past in the past frozen in time or not. Like school reunions. I'm conflicted. Does one really want to see how old and frail some old classmates have become? Or just leave them in memory's past?

 

[Souschef]

The writing a letter and never mailing is a good idea (also suggested I've read if you wish to tell a bad boss off but can't really send the letter ).

As for the frozen in time. I always wonder if best to leave the past in the past frozen in time or not. Like school reunions. I'm conflicted. Does one really want to see how old and frail some old classmates have become? Or just leave them in memory's past?

My late wife got an invitation to her high school 50th reunion. It was in Pittsburgh, and we are on the West Coast. Turned out that 90% of the people still lived in Pittsburgh.
We bought a photo of the reunion, and she could not recognize anyone.

 

[2017ish]

Our closest friends are an 8 hour drive away; we've not been in the same state or metro area since 2003 (we were early 40s then; they are a little bit younger). It is worth the work to get together 2-3 times a year, including a stretch of 4-6 days. Once they decide to quit building wealth for hypothetical grandchildren and retire, we'll likely see a little more of each other.

Whole bunch of other folks that weren't worth the effort--including most of our partners/coworkers who live in the same city as us.

Life changes, as must we.

 

[aja8888]

I only have one real close friend left after 77+ years on this earth. He lives in Joplin, Mo and I am in Texas. He's a widower and lives alone on ten acres. Once a year I drive to see him for a couple of days. We email quarterly. We have been good friends for 50+ years.

The rest of my "old" friends are either dead or not found. I do have a bunch of friends we made when we moved to Texas 25+ years ago and I see most of them each week (we play golf, etc).

 

[PointBreeze]

Eventually life becomes a process of letting things go. Concentrate on the good experiences you can still have, the loved ones you can still enjoy. Dwelling on what we've lost only sours the time we have left.

Well said.

 

[rando348]

This is worth reading related to this topic. From the blog Wait Buy Why

https://waitbutwhy.com/2015/12/the-tail-end.html

 

[Koolau]

As for the frozen in time. I always wonder if best to leave the past in the past frozen in time or not. Like school reunions. I'm conflicted. Does one really want to see how old and frail some old classmates have become? Or just leave them in memory's past?

We just attended a reunion of an old church which we attended for many years. I often think DW and I are getting infirm with our various ailments (arthritis, "bad back", scoliosis, etc. etc.). But when we saw the "old group" (roughly our age +/- 5 to 8 years) we were shocked. There were dementia sufferers we wouldn't have known had they attended without their spouse. There were wheel chairs, walkers, canes, stooped shoulders, gray hair, no hair, etc. etc. I got to thinking that DW and I were perhaps the most ambulatory of the group with the possible exception of folks 6 years younger or so. Heh, heh, I have more dark hair than any 10 of the others.

We did reminisce about the folks who were now gone to their reward. It was sadly sweet. We sang the "old" songs - the ones we grew up on. I was surprised I remembered the words and the music. I couldn't name you a popular song these days.

I'm glad I went, but it points out the effects of the passage of time and the finality of graduation to the next realm. YMMV

 

[I was misinformed]

Been missing a friend that moved away a few weeks ago.

I suppose because of the finality of probably never ever saying hello and chatting again in person.

I think of other people too. People in the past who I've lost touch with as I will probably never see again. So in a sense, they are gone from my life. Or even relatives. Some I only see maybe once a few years if there is a family event or crisis. So, with that math, that's not many times of actual encounters before we pass on. Yet, because there's no official finality, things don't seem so sober.

Talk to me ... .

"Every parting gives a foretaste of death, every reunion a hint of the resurrection."
--- Arthur Schopenhauer

 

[Badger]

W We sang the "old" songs - the ones we grew up on. I was surprised I remembered the words and the music. I couldn't name you a popular song these days.

I'm glad I went, but it points out the effects of the passage of time and the finality of graduation to the next realm. YMMV

Don't feel alone. I pretty much stopped listening to contemporary music since Disco.

If the pandemic clears up enough I may go to a 55 yr. HS reunion in mid November. In all likelihood it will be fairly small this time (<50 from 1500) due to most living to far to make it worth the expense or interest or still with us. I may only know a handful of classmates that still live in the area or like me that are close enough to drive. I don't doubt that it will be the last reunion.


Cheers!

 

[Koolau]

Don't feel alone. I pretty much stopped listening to contemporary music since Disco.

If the pandemic clears up enough I may go to a 55 yr. HS reunion in mid November. In all likelihood it will be fairly small this time (<50 from 1500) due to most living to far to make it worth the expense or interest or still with us. I may only know a handful of classmates that still live in the area or like me that are close enough to drive. I don't doubt that it will be the last reunion.


Cheers!

When my dad graduated from HS, it was a pretty big deal. He was from "coal country" and not a lot of folks in his area actually graduated HS ca. 1924(?). So as long as he was able, he drove "home" to his HS reunion every year (never heard of yearly reunions - but his HS held them.) So dad's last one was his 59th.

IIRC at our 50th the class had lost 20%. Our 55th didn't happen due to Covid. Hope to make it to the 60th, but I guess we'll see since YMMV.

 

[jollystomper]

Our college class holds reunions every 5 years. DW and I have only missed one since we graduated. We have a "Venn Circle" of friendships between us so the reunions were always great to reconnect. Of course, the passage of time means that fewer and fewer friends will make it. We have pictures from earlier reunions of classmate friends who have since died.

One of the ceremonies at each reunion is a remembrance time where the names of classmates who have died are announced aloud. At our 40 year reunion (2019) it just seemed notably longer. A lot of people there were making extra efforts to reconnect with people, as the dark humor going around was "who knows if this reunion will be one's last".