Why I deleted "My Story".......

[Lsbcal]

...(snip)... It came down to the fact I would not have been friends with him had we not been family because I would not put up with such [-]crap[/-] behavior from a friend, so why should I tolerate it because of some DNA?

Regrets? I have none. I look at my emotionally happy and healthy family and I know I made the right decision. I know I'm a lot happier.

I'm just glad I was able to time it right and get all five parts of FD's story.

You've got a great attitude. DNA, blood relationships are powerful forces and there are probably evolutionary reasons why they might work. But sometime we have to override the emotions and use our pure rational brains to form good healthy relationships for our happiness.

 

[unclemick]

Glad you were able to post your experience and your feelings. Wish your troubles are as fleeting as a deleted post on the web. Good to see a healthy survivor from a dysfunctional envirenment.

Ditto. It would appear from this thread I missed a great post.

heh heh heh - Keep posting.

 

[modhatter]

Love your analogy East Texas.
Yes, I wanted to read it. I come from one of those really screwed up dysfunctional families, and I wanted to identify. I have a sister who does not speak with me, answer my calls or e-mails. And I'll bet my story is as good as yours. (but alas, I'll never know )

But I do understand the privacy issue. Most people on this board only want to be supportive to other members. Kind of like cyber-friends, I guess. So reaching out when you are troubled or upset is natural. But I guess we can not be 100% sure of everyone. But i still feel cheated.

 

[bbbamI]

Hmmmm, well...yes, FD I understand why you decided to delete them. ...and yes, it can be very helpful to talk about whatever causes us distress. Heaven knows I'm one of them.

Through my life I've tried to keep a journal, but seemed to continually fail. I started one again in January 2003 and have remained loyal. I think the reason I've been able to keep it going is because I jot down notes, then put the events together on a semimonthly basis.

I try to just write the facts and leave my emotions out.

Every once in a while, I'll start reading at the beginning of my journal and wonder how in the world I was able to keep going through what life has dealt me....but that's when it occurrs to me...I am not only a survivor, I'm able to flourish as well.

I think the same would hold true for you.

 

[LOL!]

....
And I'll bet my story is as good as yours. (but alas, I'll never know )

Why not post your story and we can tell you if it was as good as FD's?

 

[FinanceDude]

Well, I guess I think of all of you as an extended family, maybe that's why I am more open here many times than in real life..........

 

[modhatter]

Why not post your story and we can tell you if it was as good as FD's?

OK, Let's share. You go first.

 

[flyfishnevada]

If it helps, I don't even know what story you're talking about.

 

[deserat]

Crap - I missed the last chapter - oh well, it was actually very interesting and I consider you quite a survivor....it's amazing how very insecure people can be quite destructive to those around them. As I get older, I jettison those people from my environment that are not good for my environment - my time gets shorter and I value it that much more.

 

[modhatter]

As I get older, I jettison those people from my environment that are not good for my environment - my time gets shorter and I value it that much more.

Yes, I agree, but it can be very painful to do when it is a parent, a child, or your own siblings. Either way, you pay silently or outwardly. I don't think most of us are capable of walking away completely on an emotional level.

It's always with us. Kind of reminds me of something Obama said early in his Presidency.

"Sometimes we are forced to make decisions and you don't like either of your choices, but you must make one. So you find yourself having to chose the lesser of the two evils. It's not what you want, but you must act non the less." (Sophie's Choice)

I just don't think many of us can walk away with anything but a heavy heart and a never ending yearning for something we just can't have. We can't fix it and we can't make it better, so we just try our best to live with it, and get on with our lives. Your rational mind tells you this, but your heart can be real stubborn.

 

[deserat]

Yes, I agree, but it can be very painful to do when it is a parent, a child, or your own siblings. Either way, you pay silently or outwardly. I don't think most of us are capable of walking away completely on an emotional level. It's always with us. Kind of reminds me of something Obama said early in his Presidency.

"Sometimes we are forced to make decisions and you don't like either of your choices, but you must make one. So you find yourself having to chose the lesser of the two evils. It's not what you want, but you must act non the less." (Sophie's Choice)

I just don't think many of us can walk away with anything buy a heavy heart that we just try our best to live with, and get on with our lives.

I call it emotional detachment - I do have people who are family that I have 'detached' from. That doesn't mean I don't interact - it means I interact on my terms and at specific times for limited amounts of time. I consider that a form of jettison. They are not super aware or conversant on what is going on in my life and I don't seek out their company nor their advice.

As for a heavy heart - it depends on what influence I allowed them to have. Frankly, I don't get along well with my mother and did not talk to her for almost ten years - I changed and now do interact albeit in the way described in the paragraph above. Am I sad that I don't have the type of relationships I see others have with their mothers - sometimes. However, in the meantime I have found some suitable surrogates who don't do the emotional damage that she did in the past when there was interaction. My mistake was to believe that there could be a better relationship than that which there is now....actually, with the limited aspect, the relationship is probably the best it will ever be - and I, as an adult, realize that and am happy with it.

I believe that you allow yourself to be a doormat if you are one. And there are people out there who will take advantage of that because they can. I've found that if you draw a line and enforce it, those types of people usually go find someone else to victimize or harass with their issues. Families can be the worst because of the emotional attachment and expectations regarding familial obligations. One has to decide where they will draw the line. Sometimes ones life depends on the 'jettison.'

Lastly, different people are wired differently emotionally. For some people, they would be relieved to walk away, others are more sad. Knowing yourself and what 'temperature' you are is important to help you decide at what level you will interact or not.

 

[Redbugdave]

Great post Deserat. That's how I have learned to handle my life, too.

 

[MissMolly]

Nonetheless she is still very dependent on me and wants constant attention and will go to any end to get it. She is a manic depressive, and tries her very best to bring you right down there with her. I am constantly running up there to take her to her to her numerous doctors appointments, do her shopping or the multitude of other stuff she can come up with, and of course the visits. (You are thinking "What a horrid daughter" at this point.)

However, if I had to paint a word picture of her, I would have to say she is narcissistic, conniving, deceptive, manipulative, a drama queen and I believe incapable of loving. I guess it's safe to conclude she is not a nice person by most peoples standards. Certainly not someone I'd chose to have in my life by choice. It's a difficult thing to say that you don't like your mother, no less love her. But it is what it is and all the wishing in the world won't make it different.

Believe me I have tried many tactics with her to try and change the interaction, and have had some limited success but always short lived. For as many times as I have drawn that line, she has crossed it.

I would like very much to be able to develop this "emotional detachment" you refer to, but have failed miserably so far.

Modhatter - You must be a long lost sister of mine because you have described my mother to a "T". I have 6 brothers and sisters and most of them have distanced themselves geographically. I have one brother in town with her and I live and hour and a half away. My brother will go to her house to fix things, but draws the line at that. I go and take her to all her doctor appointments (which are many. Three next week.) because he cannot deal with her for an extended period. She has driven away all her friends. Her own sisters have had nothing to do with her for years.

We tried placing her in 2 different senior living communities earlier this year and she was kicked out of both of them for her treatment of the other residents. At one she lasted 30 days and the other only two weeks before I got the call saying "Come and get her".

She's so loney and doesn't understand why. She sees no fault in herself - only others. So I completely understand everything you are saying and have great sympathy for you. You are not a horrid daughter. I, too, cannot just walk away and leave my mother. What would she do then? She would be all alone.

 

[modhatter]

MissMolly. I deleted my story. Felt like a cry baby, but I guess you got it before I did. That is OK. Silly as it sounds, it is comforting to know there is someone out there who understands how difficult it can be.

Your trapped by guilt, obligation and necessity, and there is no way you can walk away no matter how bad or abusive she is. Yes, the doctor appointments. The endless doctor appointments, the shopping, the errands and visits.

Though I agree 100% with Deserat advice, sometimes in situations like this, it's impossible. As with your mother, my mother is very similar and thinks we are all the crazy ones and finds herself completely faultless in all situations. She fancies herself as the Victim. Quite amazing.

I wonder how many others may be in similar shoes. Maybe I shouldn't have deleted it. I was chicken. Or maybe we could just start a Family Therapy Clinic here on line. Sure would be cheaper than a shrink.

 

[citrine]

Modhatter and MissMolly....I have the same exact mother! I had to distance myself for a while and now try to limit my interactions with her as well as our conversations. She is not able to see anything past others faults, her friends' big homes, the lot that life has dealt her.....We are not at the point of driving her to her doctors visits...but I really do dread that day.

 

[donheff]

It is interesting to read these responses. It always surprises me how many people have dysfunctional families. Mine was very supportive (albeit a bit non-huggy Irish) and I find it hard to understand how parents could treat their kids the way I see portrayed in movies and in some of these posts. I just naturally assume that as adults it would be easy to modify their behavior by cutting them off until they cut the cr*p out. But it is clear from stories like FD's and some of the responses that many of these people are incapable of change. Sad. On the plus side it is also clear that the abusive personalities don't necessarily get passed on.

 

[freebird5825]

Modhatter and MissMolly....I have the same exact mother! I had to distance myself for a while and now try to limit my interactions with her as well as our conversations. She is not able to see anything past others faults, her friends' big homes, the lot that life has dealt her.....We are not at the point of driving her to her doctors visits...but I really do dread that day.

Ah...my exMIL has distant relatives.

I put up with exMIL for the 1st ten years of my marriage, then I declared the next 10 years belonged to me. I limited my exposure to her, never again going to the parents' home, but only joining my ILs in public where I could count on some level of decent behavior.
At first, my husband objected to my declaration of independence, but when she continued to degrade me (and him), he finally saw her for what she was. He continued to visit his parents, mostly so he could see his dad. Those visits inevitably ended up in screaming matches, as he related to me when he returned to our home.
I suggested he find ways to overcome the "gatekeeper" setup, i.e. take his dad out by himself, but it was always overruled. Sad...
A few months after he passed, I cut off all contact with her on the advice of my physician and grief counselor. I took a lot of "hits" from the community for doing that, but it was very liberating. I tried to stay in contact with FIL, but again...overruled.

 

[Bestwifeever]

As Tolstoy said in the opening to Anna Karenina, "All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

 

[HFWR]

Einstein's Theory of Relativity: Time slows down when you're with relatives...

 

[FinanceDude]

One thing I have learned throughout this process, there's ALWAYS someone how had it WORSE than you. If I have to be fair, I did grow up in a 2-income household where we never went hungry or couldn't buy clothes........