Wife doesn't agree to early retirement

H

Harris4crna

Recycles dryer sheets
Joined
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What are your experience with a partner who are not on the same financial plan to early retirement?

Situation:

Retired from the military. Make 100K per year from a pension. No debt. Still able to save 40-50% per month. No longer able to work my primary profession due physical limitations, and time out of profession. I am 49 and she is 53 years old.

Wife continues to ask when I am planning to start working. I mention working part time, but she seems not content with this. With this said, I do believe she is thinking on behalf when she states I should not give up on the old profession in the medical field and allow licensure to lapse. I actually agree with her. She is not planning to retire early or have desire to do so.

Thoughts?
 
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"If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy".
Sounds like she's still working so it doesn't appear you are under foot all the time?
I'm not going to play internet marriage counselor, but find out what the real issue is with you retiring... money? "too much togetherness" (maybe take up golf)? spending the whole day in pajamas? It just sounds like there is some other reason other than simply you retiring early.
 
You need to talk with her because money probably isn’t the problem.
 
So the wife is in the military as well?

If you can't work in your primary high-paying profession, are you supposed to get a min wage job at Walmart or BK?
I think not.

I don't understand where the wife is coming from on this...
 
leave the house in the morning. Come back to the house later in the day. Problem solved.
 
How long have you been married and when did you start talking about your future plans together?

The time for this discussion was years, possibly decades ago. And then reinforced, as you planned together, watched your goals, over the years.

So, without all that, to retire now would seem odd to her. If you haven't had that deep long conversation, with data and reasoning, do it now. If that doesn't go well, consider couple's counseling to help.
 
I assume your wife does not have to work for you to be FI as a couple, but rather wants to work? I was in the same situation, but it was never really a problem, because it made her life easier, too. I was able to take care of things around the house and take on some major home improvement projects, so every day after work she came home to a house that was just a little better than the day before.
 
Same Here

So what is the breakdown of that $100K annually? Does it come from military retirement and VA disability? I've been retired 24 years and I just barely make $69K a year from those two sources. I understand, retirement 24 years ago was much less than today, but if you take $45K away from $100K(assummg your are 100% P&T), that leaves $55K a year. Over 12 months, that adds up to another $4583 per month for military retirement and $3800 monthly for VA. I assume you were an officer. I was enlisted. TIA

Thoughts?[/QUOTE]
 
Aerides said:
How long have you been married and when did you start talking about your future plans together?

The time for this discussion was years, possibly decades ago. And then reinforced, as you planned together, watched your goals, over the years.

So, without all that, to retire now would seem odd to her. If you haven't had that deep long conversation, with data and reasoning, do it now. If that doesn't go well, consider couple's counseling to help.
Click to expand...

You are absolutely right. DW and I've been married 30 years come March. In the last couple of years she has moved to about 98% plant based with her diet. No discussion 20, 10 or even 5 years ago. Thinking I should demand that she goes back to eating beef patties instead of those veggie burgers. So unreasonable. How dare she make a decision like that w/out talking to me.

In all seriousness, if the bills are paid then tell DW to pack sand. If you are holding up your basic end of the bargain (paying the bills-having $, etc...) then she has no right to insist you keep working. My 2 cents.

Full disclosure, I still work despite being FI for many reasons. One being I do drive DW nuts when I am not working. That is my issue and I am working on it. Trying to finds ways to fill my day so when I doing the final quit, I won't drive her nuts.
 
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There are a number of threads on the forum about one spouse retiring before the other (particularly DH retiring before DW) - and coping mechanisms. A few DHs picked up some of the chores around the house, i.e. coffee in the morning and having dinner ready to make the situation more palatable, for DW. Some DWs seemed to be worried about finances, although with your pension as well as military housing, that would seem to be less likely the situation here.

I don't know of course, but can only guess.

What you are not seeing, is her vantage point looking at you. She has probably seen what you went through caring for your father and subsequent manifestation of the autoimmune disease. Have you have become depressed/ saddened at all as a result of your illness/ inability to perform your former profession?

When we become ill, sometimes although we can't see it, it is reflected in our personalities and our interactions with others. She may think she can "fix it" by pushing you back into your former profession. When I had health issues, my DH wanted to "fix it" by forcing my retirement before I was ready.

There is a lot going on in your head which she doesn't see; and a lot going on in her head which you don't see. Listening (a lot), patience, open-mindedness, and respectful communication between partners can help facilitate understanding.
 
Bigdawg said:
You are absolutely right. DW and I've been married 30 years come March. In the last couple of years she has moved to about 98% plant based with her diet. No discussion 20, 10 or even 5 years ago. Thinking I should demand that she goes back to eating beef patties instead of those veggie burgers. So unreasonable. How dare she make a decision like that w/out talking to me.

In all seriousness, if the bills are paid then tell DW to pack sand. If you are holding up your basic end of the bargain (paying the bills-having $, etc...) then she has no right to insist you keep working. My 2 cents.

Full disclosure, I still work despite being FI for many reasons. One being I do drive DW nuts when I am not working. That is my issue and I am working on it. Trying to finds ways to fill my day so when I doing the final quit, I won't drive her nuts.
Click to expand...

Pound sand, not pack sand...
 
I thought you got hired right before Christmas to work as a professor? You just posted about it.
 
MarieIG said:
There are a number of threads on the forum about one spouse retiring before the other (particularly DH retiring before DW) - and coping mechanisms.
Click to expand...

Yes, it's fairly common. Also a number of threads here about one spouse managing most of the money and the other having little interest in that. Maybe that fits as well?

Not an easy situation, and no standard answers. Communication is everything.
 
When I broached the idea of early retirement to my wife she responded that she thought it was a good idea. She knew that my last year at work had been living Hell. A year after I retired I told her that she could retire as well. We had plenty of money. She kept on working. Four years later I divorced her. It’s best to be on the same page for any consequential life change.
 
Dtail said:
Agree.
Is she a big spender? Is there a keep up with the Jones concept?
Click to expand...

OP didn't mention that. In fact he notes that he has enough money left over after his pension to save 40 to 50%.
 
I was in about the same situation. I wanted to retire around 52 when DW was 53. She wanted to work until 57 to max out her pension and get company health care.

DW didn't like the idea of me retiring 4 years before her. I went part time and she was ok with that. Because I cleaned the house, ran errands, bought groceries, and mostly every home task that she had done previously.

And I went part time gradually. At first it was 40, then 30, then 20, then 10 hours a week. Perfect segue into retirement for me, and DW liked the idea that I was still "working" almost up to her retirement date.

My advice to OP - go into the financial details with your DW how your retirement will work. Show her that the numbers work. You might not be able to convince her to retire now. But she may like the idea of you doing some of the work around the house if you retire or go part time.
 
Is she worried about the money? When we had a big decision about whether to move for a job or not, I had a friend who was a financial planner come over and go over our numbers with DH and that resolved our issue. If your wife is worried about something other than money, then maybe a marriage counselor instead of a financial planner would be an option to consider to discuss her concerns about your retiring.
 
Musica40 said:
So what is the breakdown of that $100K annually? Does it come from military retirement and VA disability? I've been retired 24 years and I just barely make $69K a year from those two sources. I understand, retirement 24 years ago was much less than today, but if you take $45K away from $100K(assummg your are 100% P&T), that leaves $55K a year. Over 12 months, that adds up to another $4583 per month for military retirement and $3800 monthly for VA. I assume you were an officer. I was enlisted. TIA

Thoughts?
Click to expand...
[/QUOTE]

Pension and VA disability (100%) = 107k per year. I retired as a Commander in the Navy with 22 years. Wife will be a Commander when she retires at 30 years. She is due to retire in 2026.

Aerides said:
How long have you been married and when did you start talking about your future plans together?

The time for this discussion was years, possibly decades ago. And then reinforced, as you planned together, watched your goals, over the years.

So, without all that, to retire now would seem odd to her. If you haven't had that deep long conversation, with data and reasoning, do it now. If that doesn't go well, consider couple's counseling to help.
Click to expand...

We have been married for 7 years. We started discussing FIRE in 2019. The issue is we never took it seriously. Honestly, I did not either until I came down with the illness and the need to care for my father. Discussing finances is difficult since we both have trust issues due to previous marriage. I agree 100% we need to discuss. No, she is frugal and does not spend money unless she needs to. Most goes to her son's education.

MarieIG said:
There are a number of threads on the forum about one spouse retiring before the other (particularly DH retiring before DW) - and coping mechanisms. A few DHs picked up some of the chores around the house, i.e. coffee in the morning and having dinner ready to make the situation more palatable, for DW. Some DWs seemed to be worried about finances, although with your pension as well as military housing, that would seem to be less likely the situation here.

I don't know of course, but can only guess.

What you are not seeing, is her vantage point looking at you. She has probably seen what you went through caring for your father and subsequent manifestation of the autoimmune disease. Have you have become depressed/ saddened at all as a result of your illness/ inability to perform your former profession?

When we become ill, sometimes although we can't see it, it is reflected in our personalities and our interactions with others. She may think she can "fix it" by pushing you back into your former profession. When I had health issues, my DH wanted to "fix it" by forcing my retirement before I was ready.

There is a lot going on in your head which she doesn't see; and a lot going on in her head which you don't see. Listening (a lot), patience, open-mindedness, and respectful communication between partners can help facilitate understanding.
Click to expand...

Yes, I have become depressed over the fact I cannot do my old profession. I believe she sees me going back to work being therapeutic. The problem is the stress of retuning would be challenging. She believes I can return.

Would love to discuss this with you further. You seemed to hit on a few great points and seem to know the situation well.

ivinsfan said:
I thought you got hired right before Christmas to work as a professor? You just posted about it.
Click to expand...

Yes, I will start the education job in Feb. This is part time job requiring me to work 20 hours per week. The pay is half what I used to make. I did interview for a full time job today with a medical agency. This would be challenging, but not physically and I wont be putting anyone in harm.
 
Harris4crna,

I'm a retired USAF type myself, with a pension very similar to yours. Retired in 2016 after a 30 yr career and took on another job because I thought "that's just what you do". My DW has never worked, so that's a difference between us.

Found this site and began planning to completely retire. I focused mainly on the financial angle, ensuring we could afford to live the life we wanted even if the market turned against us, which as luck would have it, it did this year!

Once I worked out the financial piece (which was, quite honestly, the easier part), DW and I had to address the "what would I do all day?" question. It caused some long discussions where we discussed our plans and where we saw ourselves in 10 and 30 yrs. In my DWs mind, once I retired I was going to sit around all day and get in her business, something she was loathe to experience. There was also some serious fear of possible disastrous financial outcomes, but we talked about it, worked through doomsday scenarios in detail, and got through it to HER satisfaction.

Every marriage is different, but I would guess there are many more similarities. In your case, as it was in mine, I'll guess you need to find out what expectations your DW has/had for you in "retirement".

Despite having a very generous pension right now, you DID take a pay cut when you retired. Looking at it from your DW's POV, perhaps she had anticipated/expected you to take another job and add to your income? Have you ever discussed any big dollar plans once you retired?

Bottom line - your retirement and ability to completely exit the work force may be causing your DW some anxiety and not meeting with what she expected/desired when you hit this milestone. Openly and honestly discussing your goals, and the pros and cons of complete retirement, and identifying any anxieties that come with it, is something you'll need to identify and come to some sort of agreement on. It took my DW and I over a year to get to a point where SHE really felt comfortable with the idea.

Once you get through this part, the longer term benefits are phenomenal.

Good Luck!
 
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I've learned that some people just lack imagination. They can't visualize a life without a job, regardless of money issues. "You need to have a job!"

It's not about money or getting out of the house or anything like that. It's simply the idea of not having job that freaks them out.
 
schenbew said:
Harris4crna,

I'm a retired USAF type myself, with a pension very similar to yours. Retired in 2016 after a 30 yr career and took on another job because I thought "that's just what you do". My DW has never worked, so that's a difference between us.

Found this site and began planning to completely retire. I focused mainly on the financial angle, ensuring we could afford to live the life we wanted even if the market turned against us, which as luck would have it, it did this year!

Once I worked out the financial piece (which was, quite honestly, the easier part), DW and I had to address the "what would I do all day?" question. It caused some long discussions where we discussed our plans and where we saw ourselves in 10 and 30 yrs. In my DWs mind, once I retired I was going to sit around all day and get in her business, something she was loathe to experience. There was also some serious fear of possible disastrous financial outcomes, but we talked about it, worked through doomsday scenarios in detail, and got through it to HER satisfaction.

Every marriage is different, but I would guess there are many more similarities. In your case, as it was in mine, I'll guess you need to find out what expectations your DW has/had for you in "retirement".

Despite having a very generous pension right now, you DID take a pay cut when you retired. Looking at it from your DW's POV, perhaps she had anticipated/expected you to take another job and add to your income? Have you ever discussed any big dollar plans once you retired?

Bottom line - your retirement and ability to completely exit the work force may be causing your DW some anxiety and not meeting with what she expected/desired when you hit this milestone. Openly and honestly discussing your goals, and the pros and cons of complete retirement, and identifying any anxieties that come with it, is something you'll need to identify and come to some sort of agreement on. It took my DW and I over a year to get to a point where SHE really felt comfortable with the idea.

Once you get through this part, the longer term benefits are phenomenal.

Good Luck!
Click to expand...

Thank you so much for your reply. I do believe it is the anxiety and not know what to expect. I just got off the phone with her since she is deployed at the current moment. Explained to her our financial circumstance now and in the future. I believe she has a better understanding. She supports her son while attending the University. This is her primary purpose, so she does not want to jeopardize by needing to support me as well. I assured her this will not be the case. In the end, she said, "it is up to you if you want to get a job", haha.
 
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