Wife doesn't agree to early retirement

[steelyman]

I ended up taking care of a relative a year after retirement (and COVID hit) so that limited my adventures but will be getting back to extensive travel next year. Meanwhile taking care of someone really has been fulfilling especially since I never had (or wanted) kids. I plan to rotate adventures for myself mixed with periods of helping others with my time. Seems to be a good balance.

That is very admirable and a fine way to spend some of the retirement time you’ve earned. Taking care of others is also taking care of yourself and a better long term investment than all the purely financial-oriented ones that dominate the headlines.

 

[SoloDrifter]

^Single older adults who have never had children can become pretty self-absorbed. In retrospect I often was self-absorbed and taking care of someone has changed me. I suppose that's true growth, even at 50+.

 

[candrew]

My thoughts are I'm glad I'm not married.

Some horses don't pull good in a double harness.

 

[kgtest]

My wife hates on my dreams and desires to retire early. I basically have to "sell" her on the idea. Each time she comes to me complaining about workers I remind her X more years to FI and we eliminate those complaints. Life is not without issues, but eliminating working for money certainly reduces some stress I would imagine. I've absolutely heard people say they don't know what to do with themselves when retired and to that I say go drive a bus for the school kids, or sell some tools at Home Depot for the discount. I myself already have the Military Discount and Home Depot, so driving the Bus is my answer to my wife asking "What will I do with myself all day?"

My wife is not at all worried about the money side...well maybe she is but doesn't directly mention it as a reason. For me, it seems that she is so accustomed to people just working regardless of the financial independent factor. If you don't HAVE to work, but WANT to work that is one thing. But if you don't HAVE to work, but your wife WANTS you to work that is another. I've discussed this in front of couples therapy and stuff and in our relationship we have concluded 1. I am out of my mind and 2. DW is great at concerning herself with short term needs, issues and problems whereas I am great at focusing on long term goals. I am not saying she is short-sighted, she just doesn't care to plan that far out and doesn't find the value. I am CONSTANTLY reminding her there are so many people in their 50s going to food shelves because they can't afford to eat. I've worked at them so I know. Maybe it's there own doing, or the short straw in life but its a fact. So I constantly remind her that its balancing current needs vs future needs. By all accounts if we were NEVER able to work again today we would both be ok, but not what I would consider financially free by any means. We would have to change our lifestyle, but we would still be able to afford to eat. If it was a disability related thing where we could apply for Disability insurance we would be even better off if we left the workforce today.

Sometimes I chalk it up to Women being from Venus and Men being from mars lol. And that is okay to be different.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

Lots of good advice here. I would add just a couple of points as I was in your position when I retired from the AF back in 12/2014.

DW is able to retire and stop working since we are solidly FI. Of course, she wants to continue to w*rk. That's OK with me and we haven't had any issues with me being the in-residence pool boy.

What I am seeing is the abrupt change that has come with your mil retirement. It appears that you are A-OK money wise, so it's a time issue (and keeping DW happy). I think it's prudent to do the professor thing and see how that works out...I would be very hesitant to jump back into something full time if you don't have to do that. Which leads me to the last point...

You said your DW is also active duty and will have 30 years in 3 short years. Alas, she is retirement eligible NOW, correct? Of course there may some duty commitment or something, so hence the assumption. If'n I was you, I would take this opportunity to show your DW what life could be like without working an active duty life. She may see how fabulous it is that she may want to go ahead and drop her paperwork NOW or at least in the VERY near future. She may see what freedom from active duty looks like and will want to join you.

With that...time for my afternoon nap.

 

[Harris4crna]

Lots of good advice here. I would add just a couple of points as I was in your position when I retired from the AF back in 12/2014.

DW is able to retire and stop working since we are solidly FI. Of course, she wants to continue to w*rk. That's OK with me and we haven't had any issues with me being the in-residence pool boy.

What I am seeing is the abrupt change that has come with your mil retirement. It appears that you are A-OK money wise, so it's a time issue (and keeping DW happy). I think it's prudent to do the professor thing and see how that works out...I would be very hesitant to jump back into something full time if you don't have to do that. Which leads me to the last point...

You said your DW is also active duty and will have 30 years in 3 short years. Alas, she is retirement eligible NOW, correct? Of course there may some duty commitment or something, so hence the assumption. If'n I was you, I would take this opportunity to show your DW what life could be like without working an active duty life. She may see how fabulous it is that she may want to go ahead and drop her paperwork NOW or at least in the VERY near future. She may see what freedom from active duty looks like and will want to join you.

With that...time for my afternoon nap.

She will be staying in since she just got selected for CDR and she wants to pay for her son's school. I have sent her a few posts and I think she is coming around. Plus her son asks her all time about retirement. In the meantime, I will try out of few jobs and see how it goes. I may go back to doing anesthesia, I just did not want the stress despite how good it pays. We will see.

Thank you for taking the time to respond, appreciate it.

 

[Koolau]

I've mentioned my BFF who is now 78 and in debt half a million dollars. Part of the issue is that he and his DW BOTH love to spend money (money they don't actually have.)

BUT it really started when BFF got an offer from Megacorp to leave at age 50 with enhanced benefits. He still only made about 1/2 of what he made as an hourly empl*yee (he w*rked a lot of OT.) He talked it over with his wife and she promised to continue to w*rk, making a bit more than he made. So, it w*rked out with just a bit of belt tightening.

Low and behold, she came home several months later and informed BFF that she had just retired! Apparently, she got tired of the grind and just "up and quit." She didn't receive a pension. She was close to vesting, but quit a year or two early.

SO BFF scrambled around, looking for ways to make some money. NOTHING was going to pay what Megacorp paid - not even close. He ended up driving a school bus for $63/day. He hated every minute of it. He was responsible for the kids but had no authority over them. If he reported an unruly kid, he had to stop the bus and wait for school authorities to come take the kid home. Obviously, unruly kids don't worry about such things but bus drivers do as they get complaints about getting kids home late.

Eventually both went on SS and she got more than he did on her record. So with his pension and 2 SS, they make decent money now. But between roughly 50 and 62, it was touch and go (and both still loved to spend.)

Wife never once even hinted she was gonna bail - never talked about the consequences until it was too late. She did eventually do some part time w*rk, but it never paid like her FT j*b paid.

Moral of the story: Communicate with spouse about your intentions and expectations. Oh, and NO surprises! YMMV

 

[Harris4crna]

I've mentioned my BFF who is now 78 and in debt half a million dollars. Part of the issue is that he and his DW BOTH love to spend money (money they don't actually have.)

BUT it really started when BFF got an offer from Megacorp to leave at age 50 with enhanced benefits. He still only made about 1/2 of what he made as an hourly empl*yee (he w*rked a lot of OT.) He talked it over with his wife and she promised to continue to w*rk, making a bit more than he made. So, it w*rked out with just a bit of belt tightening.

Low and behold, she came home several months later and informed BFF that she had just retired! Apparently, she got tired of the grind and just "up and quit." She didn't receive a pension. She was close to vesting, but quit a year or two early.

SO BFF scrambled around, looking for ways to make some money. NOTHING was going to pay what Megacorp paid - not even close. He ended up driving a school bus for $63/day. He hated every minute of it. He was responsible for the kids but had no authority over them. If he reported an unruly kid, he had to stop the bus and wait for school authorities to come take the kid home. Obviously, unruly kids don't worry about such things but bus drivers do as they get complaints about getting kids home late.

Eventually both went on SS and she got more than he did on her record. So with his pension and 2 SS, they make decent money now. But between roughly 50 and 62, it was touch and go (and both still loved to spend.)

Wife never once even hinted she was gonna bail - never talked about the consequences until it was too late. She did eventually do some part time w*rk, but it never paid like her FT j*b paid.

Moral of the story: Communicate with spouse about your intentions and expectations. Oh, and NO surprises! YMMV

Wow, what a story. You had me on the edge of my seat waiting to hear what's going to happen next. This is truly unfortunate for them.

Your point to communicate with your partner is valid for sure. I will even go as far as put what is important in writing and legally endorsed. I'm in the process in doing this with premptive estate planning.

What differs in my situation is I'm not dependent on the wife financially, we have no debt, and she has a pension coming to her. If she quits, we divorce or whatever we will be ok. Great story and others may benefit. Thank you.

 

[Koolau]

Wow, what a story. You had me on the edge of my seat waiting to hear what's going to happen next. This is truly unfortunate for them.

Your point to communicate with your partner is valid for sure. I will even go as far as put what is important in writing and legally endorsed. I'm in the process in doing this with premptive estate planning.

What differs in my situation is I'm not dependent on the wife financially, we have no debt, and she has a pension coming to her. If she quits, we divorce or whatever we will be ok. Great story and others may benefit. Thank you.

Oddly enough, they are a very close, loving couple, dedicated to their church, their kids, their grand kids. BUT their various financial "blind spots" have made their lives "interesting" to say the least. I simply could NOT live like that. I feel sorry for whomever is the last to die. I see financial ruin in the forecast, but none of my advice over the past 30 years has ever been heeded. SO, I just watch the slow-moving train wreck and marvel.

 

[KarenF]

My husband retired before I did. I could have retired but was not mentally ready. I did retire about a year after he did and now I have a pet sitting side gig. He has no desire to work or volunteer. For me it is more of an issue of a need to be busy for me and I enjoy it. I don't care if he works and he does not care about me pet sitting so it is all good. We both understand why we do what we do.

 

[jastew]

I've told my wife from day one I intended to retire early. When she found out I planned plenty of relaxing and playing, she said she couldn't respect a man that did nothing with his life. I told her I had done plenty with my life over the past 40 years and she need to get used to the idea. She has.

Of course, her role model was her dad, who worked until the day he died in his early 80s. Pass.

 

[brucethebroker]

Oddly enough, they are a very close, loving couple, dedicated to their church, their kids, their grand kids. BUT their various financial "blind spots" have made their lives "interesting" to say the least. I simply could NOT live like that. I feel sorry for whomever is the last to die. I see financial ruin in the forecast, but none of my advice over the past 30 years has ever been heeded. SO, I just watch the slow-moving train wreck and marvel.

I would not count on a train wreck. Those two have learned to survive while not being $ prudent. My guess that relatives/government benefits for the poor, subsidized housing- something will ride to the rescue.

I also know a person or two like this and I have thought there would be train wreck, but it seems something always pops up to carry them through. Usually at a reduced standard of living, but they seem to be OK with it.

 

[Harris4crna]

I've told my wife from day one I intended to retire early. When she found out I planned plenty of relaxing and playing, she said she couldn't respect a man that did nothing with his life. I told her I had done plenty with my life over the past 40 years and she need to get used to the idea. She has.

Of course, her role model was her dad, who worked until the day he died in his early 80s. Pass.

Yes, I was getting much of the same reaction. Wife and I had a few conversations about money to shine a light on the fact we are doing just fine. She has not said anything since.

 

[Koolau]

I would not count on a train wreck. Those two have learned to survive while not being $ prudent. My guess that relatives/government benefits for the poor, subsidized housing- something will ride to the rescue.

I also know a person or two like this and I have thought there would be train wreck, but it seems something always pops up to carry them through. Usually at a reduced standard of living, but they seem to be OK with it.

You're probably right - the gummint will ride to the rescue, but one of their biggest blind spots is their kids. The wife will go "shopping" and spend $400 on the grand kids - just because. Christmas is much worse. I don't get it, but it is their life.

So the kids will NOT be riding to the rescue. They'll be hit the hardest.