Wife gets inheiritance

[Kronk]

As a married man who has always had joint accounts and no real concept of "his" vs "her" money, I'm pretty darn sure that I'd have the same feelings jambo has.

The question I have that I haven't seen jambo answer is the "why" she doesn't want to spend any of the money. It was implied that it would be left as a legacy to the kids, but I'm not sure that's been discussed.

Now, if the joint decision has been made to provide a car for DD, but she's unwilling to part with "her" money, that's one thing. If the hangup is that she doesn't want an additional car at all, that's a different thing.

Tough situation, hopefully a calm discussion can clear things up.

 

[DangerMouse]

Actually I have to disagree with the majority and say that I can see why Jambo has reason to be upset. All the money he has earned over the years has gone into the mutual pot, yet when wife gets a windfall she is not willing to share. I won $1400 in Vegas on the weekend does that make it my money or should I share? I put it straight into joint funds.

As to the parents not leaving it to them both, I would think this would be common, as most parents leave it to their child rather than child and spouse.

He is not asking her to spend the lot, but rather to ease the situation so he doesn't burn thru his 401k. My question is why should Jambo burn thru his 401k to support day to day living expenses. If she is not willing to share she should from hereon in put in 50% of all living costs. What if Mrs Jambo was to leave Mr Jambo, she walks away with her inheritance in situ because Mr Jambo was supporting here and he is left with a depleted 401k.

What is interesting about this question is I wonder how influenced people are by their own situations. I notice that most who say it is who and keep your hands off are in a situation where they have or expect to inherit. I never did and never will inherit anything.

I think after 32 years of marriage, Jambo has proven he is worthy of being a shareholder in this inheritence.

 

[Kronk]

Ah. DangerMouse said it better than I did.

A 32-year history of sharing money is more than enough for jambo to have a very large say in the matter.

 

[freebird5825]

Money, sex and in-laws...sometimes more volatile than religion and politics.
This discussion is getting very interesting.
My tea leaves tell me the driver for all this, pardon the pun, is the daughter's use of a car that was formerly driven by one of the adults. Hence the shortage of wheels in the household.
Daughter can either a) be driven to/picked up so the vehicle is still usable by the adults, or b) save up and get her own. The driver's license is not a license to abscond another person's vehicle at will. The inconvenience belongs to the daughter until she takes the steps to get her own used car.
For the record, I am a firm believer is his, hers, and our money with a 50/50 cost share across the board.
LH and I used this sytem for 25 years. dh2b and I currently use it. It circumvents a lot of alligators in the moat.

The "keeping score" alligator has the longest and sharpest teeth.

 

[guest]

My DW (married 35 years) recieved a small inheritance and while it wasn't enough to change anyones lives, I felt comfortable in letting her do as she wished. But, I found that we process things nearly the same after this many years, and most everything she did I agreed with. She is more generous than I but that has always been a benifit in out relationship....she is stronger in places than me and vice versa.

After 30+ years of marriage, you should be able to talk through things but I would recommend that if you have that talk, you do more listening than trying to get your point across. As has been noted, there is more to this than "just because" on her part.

 

[Buckeye]

I expect I would either put the money in a joint account or I would divide the inheritance in two, half for me, half for DH. Even though it's an inheritance, I would still consider it "our money" since DH has always pulled his weight in the relationship. I would be very upset if DH received an inheritance and did what Jambo's wife is doing.

OTOH-My sister's husband has never pulled his weight so she would have every right to squirrel away an inheritance and never give him any of it!

 

[citrine]

Actually I have to disagree with the majority and say that I can see why Jambo has reason to be upset. All the money he has earned over the years has gone into the mutual pot, yet when wife gets a windfall she is not willing to share. I won $1400 in Vegas on the weekend does that make it my money or should I share? I put it straight into joint funds.

As to the parents not leaving it to them both, I would think this would be common, as most parents leave it to their child rather than child and spouse.

He is not asking her to spend the lot, but rather to ease the situation so he doesn't burn thru his 401k. My question is why should Jambo burn thru his 401k to support day to day living expenses. If she is not willing to share she should from hereon in put in 50% of all living costs. What if Mrs Jambo was to leave Mr Jambo, she walks away with her inheritance in situ because Mr Jambo was supporting here and he is left with a depleted 401k.

What is interesting about this question is I wonder how influenced people are by their own situations. I notice that most who say it is who and keep your hands off are in a situation where they have or expect to inherit. I never did and never will inherit anything.

I think after 32 years of marriage, Jambo has proven he is worthy of being a shareholder in this inheritence.

I don't expect to inherit....if I do great, if not great.
But I did spend a lot of time saving and investing up to this point.....and I will be damned if in a divorce, my spouse would get half. That is influenced by a good friend of mine who just got divorced from her steroid abusing husband who wanted her to pay alimony because he spent most of his time getting high and living off her money.

 

[FIREd]

What is interesting about this question is I wonder how influenced people are by their own situations. I notice that most who say it is who and keep your hands off are in a situation where they have or expect to inherit. I never did and never will inherit anything.

It's very true that I am influenced by my own situation. DW is unlikely to inherit much while I may inherit a lot of money.

But, in my case, I am also very aware of the responsibility that comes with that money. The money I may inherit is a bit of family "fortune", built by several generations of hard working people. I feel like I have a duty to protect it and pass it on to the next generation. I love my wife very much and cannot imagine ever divorcing her, but I have seen too many seemingly happy marriages unravel before to take any chances. People change. Situations change. I want the family money to remain safely in my possession through it all. As I said before I will share some of the bounty with my wife (dividends/interests generated by the principal), but I will never commingle the inheritance with the rest of our finances.

 

[FinanceDude]

FinanceDude.....I believe the money is HER business because they were her parents who sacrificed during their lifetime to provide for their daughter. If she wants to "share" it or not....it is her money and her business.

Your outlook on relationships is quite troubling.......

 

[ProspectiveBum]

More than anything, this sounds like a failure of communication. You have expectations (the purchase of a new car), which haven't been met by your DW. Her feelings on this subject are unclear. If you can calmly and rationally explain your position, and verbalize your expectations, and get her to verbalize hers, you'll probably both feel a lot better, whether or not you come to a mutual agreement.

 

[FinanceDude]

I don't expect to inherit....if I do great, if not great.
But I did spend a lot of time saving and investing up to this point.....and I will be damned if in a divorce, my spouse would get half. That is influenced by a good friend of mine who just got divorced from her steroid abusing husband who wanted her to pay alimony because he spent most of his time getting high and living off her money.

So, that failed relationship is your model for the future? I don't think you should judge OP so harshly. You seem to suggest that OP should shut up and take it, when he was asking for advice?

 

[citrine]

I am realistic....I have watched too many people fight over money and get bitter and resentful.
I don't think a relationship is based on money....it is based on two people who respect and love each other.
In my culture, the parents of the bride give a dowry to the family of the groom....but they also give the daughter a substantial sum of money in jewels which she can sell and live on if the husband ever leaves.....a safety net so to speak.

 

[Moemg]

I can see both points of view . She wants to keep the money safe for hopefully their future and he wants her to loosen the strings to provide DD with a car . I would think the interest on the money could buy a nice car while still leaving the money intact .Yes,it is her money but good relationships take sharing especially as we age .We are all getting older and a good caring partner is a necessity . If someone is not going to help financially how much are they going to help when we need physical care ? I want to be with someone that will share financially and keep me in clean depends when the time comes .

 

[DangerMouse]

I am not a hopeless romantic, and I come from a family where bad marriages seem to be the norm. However, all the fighting I have seen over money has been due to a lack of it rather than too much.

I believe if you are going into a first marriage with pretty much equal assets everything is joint. There is a strong likelihood one spouse is going to stay home with the kids, so for me the mine and yours does not work.

However, at my age, if something were to happen to my spouse and I did hook up with someone else I probably would go for the his, mine and ours approach as Freebird has done.

Also with regards to leaving an inheritance to the next generation. We do not have children, so this is a difficult one for us. I do not believe we should go without in any way so we can leave a large estate for someone else to piss away. We will likely have a family trust where the income generated will go to selected siblings and niece and nephews. After they expire we are likely going to leave the principal to charities to fund orphanages in Cambodia or Vietnam.

 

[Zathras]

I believe an inheritance, especially from a parent is a very personal thing.
It is the final act a parent can make to provide security and aid to a child.
As such, it can be a very emotionally powerful thing.
Financedude, I don't think it is disturbing at all to view this as an individual's gift. It varies from person to person and couple to couple.
To the OP, communication is the key! Calm discussion and lots of listening is very important and should help. Counseling may help you guys with that discussion, but I can't say as I don't know either of you.
Personally, I think it was generous of your wife to wipe out 20k in debt and buy a new car for the family. I also think it was generous of you to work to support your family over the last 32 years as it also was for your wife during her working years AND as a stay at home mom (which I am sure is not easy).

The one comment of yours that really disturbed me was where you said you felt 'irked' by the idea of the kids getting the balance of the inheritence when they didn't do anything to earn that money.
Frankly, as said before, neither did you. It was your wife's parents that passed away. It was their life's earnings, not yours. And it was their gift to their daughter, not you.
But we are all (here on the forum) working off incomplete information about the situation. I suspect a councelor would help you two come to a better understanding.

 

[freebird5825]

...However, at my age, if something were to happen to my spouse and I did hook up with someone else I probably would go for the his, mine and ours approach as Freebird has done

Actually LH and I did this too in 20 years of marriage plus 5 yrs prior.
He was an avid sailing nut with the accompanying costs , so he used "his" for that. I used "mine" for my interests and fun spending, like a new car with a sunroof. "We" had a joint account that paid "our" bills. LH's salary was always much higher than mine. If I fell short, he of course threw in extra. I eventually caught up with a decent salary.

OP is beyond this point after 32 years, so it is moot. The past is the past.

However, the "his, hers, ours" model may be apropos now that an imbalance in wealth between spouses
has occurred due to the inheritance.
And a line has been drawn, right or wrong.
Add the DD's need (or desire or demand?) for a car. This seems to be the 3rd party driver to the opposing views.
This is a very ticklish situation.
I hope it all w*rks out for OP. Smart idea to get outside opinions.

 

[haha]

It's very true that I am influenced by my own situation. DW is unlikely to inherit much while I may inherit a lot of money.

But, in my case, I am also very aware of the responsibility that comes with that money. The money I may inherit is a bit of family "fortune", built by several generations of hard working people. I feel like I have a duty to protect it and pass it on to the next generation. I love my wife very much and cannot imagine ever divorcing her, but I have seen too many seemingly happy marriages unravel before to take any chances. People change. Situations change. I want the family money to remain safely in my possession through it all. As I said before I will share some of the bounty with my wife (dividends/interests generated by the principal), but I will never commingle the inheritance with the rest of our finances.

Your safest bet is to divorce her now. Remmber, "Flunk now and avoid the June rush!"

Oh, and delete your post above.

I don't expect to inherit....if I do great, if not great.
But I did spend a lot of time saving and investing up to this point.....and I will be damned if in a divorce, my spouse would get half. That is influenced by a good friend of mine who just got divorced from her steroid abusing husband who wanted her to pay alimony because he spent most of his time getting high and living off her money.

Welcome to the world of equal rights, Citrine.

 

[FinanceDude]

REMOVED because I am getting emotionally involved in a thread, which never ends well for me........

The one comment of yours that really disturbed me was where you said you felt 'irked' by the idea of the kids getting the balance of the inheritence when they didn't do anything to earn that money.
Frankly, as said before, neither did you. It was your wife's parents that passed away. It was their life's earnings, not yours. And it was their gift to their daughter, not you.

When my sister died, she left her 403B to my two minor children. She could have left it to DW and I but chose not to. It would have helped us ER a few years earlier but she thought education was important for them, and wanted to make that happen. Fact is, I am not mad about her doing that. I would MUCH rather have my sister than her money for my kid's education, that is for sure.....

 

[jambo101]

Few points of clarification
We wont be taking the issue to the point where it becomes a divorce.
Daughter is full time university student and needs a car to get to her summer job some 20 miles away.
We are only talking about a newish car in the $15 to $20k range not the whole inheiritance.
The wife is gone all day from 7am to 7pm with the new car doing her volunteer work or out with friends, for the time being we still have two cars but our secondary car is finished and ready for the scrap yard,(needs full brake job and two cv joints)., Once it finally quits the wife expects me to somehow come up with the money for a new car or take the bus.
Rational communication has been tried but she thinks she will need every penny of her inheiritance for the eventual nursing home or seniors residence she may have to go to when she gets old.
As i've always made much more money than her in our working careers so to will the eventual inheiritance from my parents trump hers and now instead of throwing it in the joint account and saying take what you need i'll be reciprocating in kind.

 

[freebird5825]

...When my sister died, she left her 403B to my two minor children. She could have left it to DW and I but chose not to. It would have helped us ER a few years earlier but she thought education was important for them, and wanted to make that happen. Fact is, I am not mad about her doing that. I would MUCH rather have my sister than her money for my kid's education, that is for sure.....

Sounds like your sister was a wonderful person, FD.

My mom did a similar thing with 3 of my siblings who had kids. 2 of us had no kids of our own. The no-kid beneficiaries inherited directly, the ones with kids received no inheritance but their minor children did. We're not talking about a lot of dough here, but boy did it get people riled up.
I had to step in as Alternate Executor and sic my attorney on the Executor brother by telephone to get him to behave and follow the letter of the Will.
I was a good "family cop". But my Mom must have known that.

 

[FinanceDude]

Sounds like your sister was a wonderful person, FD.

Yes she was, I have 3 boxes of condolences cards from her friends and peers in the scientific community.........

My mom did a similar thing with 3 of my siblings who had kids. 2 of us had no kids of our own. The no-kid beneficiaries inherited directly, the ones with kids received no inheritance but their minor children did. We're not talking about a lot of dough here, but boy did it get people riled up.
I had to step in as Alternate Executor and sic my attorney on the Executor brother by telephone to get him to behave and follow the letter of the Will.
I was a good "family cop". But my Mom must have known that.

Someday when I am in a really bad mood I will share some personal horror stories of how badly money has transferred in my family........

 

[freebird5825]

...Someday when I am in a really bad mood I will share some personal horror stories of how badly money has transferred in my family........

New thread...new thread...this would be very instructive to the collective. When the mood hits ya.

Back on topic for me ...I agree with the latest post the OP put here.
If lines now exist, he has no choice but to abide by same rules.
This may actually force a compromise, once a taste of one's own medicine is applied in a civiized manner.

I see the need for DD to have a vehicle. Glad to hear she is in university and w*rking. BTDT.

 

[Zathras]

That's not what I said, it was citrine's view of the OP that was troubling, basically a shut up and leave it alone mantra.......

I would agree with you IF that is what she said. It may be what Citrine meant, but it is not what she said, therefore I won't jump to the same conclusion without clarification from her.

When my sister died, she left her 403B to my two minor children. She could have left it to DW and I but chose not to. It would have helped us ER a few years earlier but she thought education was important for them, and wanted to make that happen. Fact is, I am not mad about her doing that. I would MUCH rather have my sister than her money for my kid's education, that is for sure.....

That is a very noble gesture and very understanding of you. I also certainly understand your preference about having your sister over money (for you or your kids), I am sorry for your loss

 

[Texas Proud]

Few points of clarification
We wont be taking the issue to the point where it becomes a divorce.
Daughter is full time university student and needs a car to get to her summer job some 20 miles away.
We are only talking about a newish car in the $15 to $20k range not the whole inheiritance.
The wife is gone all day from 7am to 7pm with the new car doing her volunteer work or out with friends, for the time being we still have two cars but our secondary car is finished and ready for the scrap yard,(needs full brake job and two cv joints)., Once it finally quits the wife expects me to somehow come up with the money for a new car or take the bus.
Rational communication has been tried but she thinks she will need every penny of her inheiritance for the eventual nursing home or seniors residence she may have to go to when she gets old.
As i've always made much more money than her in our working careers so to will the eventual inheiritance from my parents trump hers and now instead of throwing it in the joint account and saying take what you need i'll be reciprocating in kind.

So it does sound more like a car issue than inheritance....

SOOO, take 'her' car for you... (BTW, who bought this one with whose money) don't give her the keys... don't let your DD drive it... say to them 'work it out, I am done with it'...


Let's see how that one goes over....


OR, tell DD to talk to mom if she wants a car... that you have yours and you can not let her take it to work... SHE can ride the bus for all you care...


This might go over a bit better, but I would be ducking if I said it....


Last... you can probably find a nice ride in the $5 to $6K range.. so not as expensive as you put down...

 

[JOHNNIE36]

I have read all the posts. Some to the detail and some I glanced over as I could already see the trend. I'll bet you that this post could go on for a year because "money is the root of all evil". There will be posts for and against either side. I know this. There is no right or wrong answer. It all depends on the relationship you have with your better half. Example: Wife and I have been married 35 years. Her folks didn't have squat but they provided me with a beautiful, loving, caring wife. OTOH, my folks had a little and left each of their three kids a few bucks. The amount doesn't matter. My wife and my folks were very close and I felt that what was mine was hers. However, just because my folks left us some money, I was not going to let her piss it away. I was there to protect their interest because they worked so hard for their money. In general my wife is pretty frugal, but because she never had anything as a kid, she has a tendency to go crazy sometimes. I don't want to deprive her of some nice things, but I'm very frugal (that's how I was raised) and I guess my job if to provide for my wife while trying to protect the money my folks left to "us". For some reason I'm very protective of that. Guess I'm trying to make them proud of what they did for "us". I understand marriages/relationships where there are millions of dollars and their viewpoints may be different. However, the end result is dependent on the relationship betweem you and your better half.