Major Vulture Attack in Progress

[OldAgePensioner]

I've deleted all my posts on this thread mainly because someone has both privately via my personal email and now openly on this board accused me of something I have never been.

I received a huge amount of advice and support on this thread for which I will always be grateful.

But, I had given way too much info on my family, their location and where I was moving.

Sorry.

 

[mikew]

Hi OAP
Seems the path of least resistance is not to take the phone call.

Always the coward
Mike

 

[unclemick]

Re: Mod Please Move to OTher ? Major Vulture Attack in Progress

Crap

Learning to say no in ER was one of the hardest things I had to learn to do. It wasn't easy for me - since I contributed to my own problem during my working years as 'the go to' charity.

Just sucked it up and did it. The SO cracked a few times when she was alive - the problem was never 'totally solved'.

Good Luck. I mean it.

 

[mikew]

Re: Mod Please Move to OTher ? Major Vulture Attack in Progress

OAP
Other weasely options
How about agreeing to everything your mom says., say you need to think about it and then ignore it. This is what I do at work.

How about buying an answering machine. Cheaper than paying the mortgage.

If those are no good, pretend to be Lou Foo Chung's Chinese Resturant. 
No No OAP here. You want dumplings with that?


Mike

 

[Andre1969]

Re: Mod Please Move to OTher ? Major Vulture Attack in Progress

I hate to say it, but sometimes I pull the coward route too. It's easiest for me to just not answer the phone. Kinda hard to do if you don't have caller ID though. This is a long shot, but you could pick up the phone when it rings and say "Hello?" And then when they respond on the other end, if it's someone you don't want to talk to, just say "Hello?" again, this time a little more forcefully. Then, totally ignoring anything they might say, just say "Hello?" one more time, a bit impatient-like, wait a few seconds, mumble something about the damn phone lines or telemarketers or crank callers, and then hang the phone up.

 

[Maximillion]

Re: Mod Please Move to OTher ? Major Vulture Attack in Progress

OAP, they will be on Welfare, either Yours or the States, it is still Welfare.

I would pay her, if you are prepared to do that for the rest of your life, or just force her to face reality.

I have a B in L like that, we just cut him off, he survived.

He received a small inheritance, in 6 months it was gone on pot and Beer

Parents, when they are making up their wills, survey their Children and wonder who and why certain members should get some money..

My Sons will be getting some monies from their Grand Dad, but it has strings, House or more Schooling, No car or fancy holidays, a % to be invested for the long term.

OAP, you might try one more time, attach conditions, if she fails to adhere to them there is your out?

 

[mikew]

Re: Mod Please Move to OTher ? Major Vulture Attack in Progress

"Look, I did nothing to create this crisis, I see them making almost no effort to solve it themselves and I resent being put in a position of guilt because others are bums.  Explain to me where I'm at fault here?"  I'm sure my standing in the family can't get any lower anyway.

This seems like a good idea too.

Good luck
Mike

 

[REWahoo]

OAP, I don't think this needs to move to Other as it is definitely a FIRE and Money topic. (You are FIREd, your family wants your money...)

One other suggestion: If you find yourself on a call you don't want to be on you can allways hang up while you are talking. Makes it look like a phone problem. Then do Andre's "Hello, is anyone there?" routine if they call back.

 

[Outtahere]

Re: Mod Please Move to OTher ? Major Vulture Attack in Progress

OAP I believe your last statement says it all. You've had no part in the making of this problem, you've bailed them out only to have them back where they were a few months earlier. You've done what you need to do to provide for your mother and I believe at this point your responsibility to these siblings has ended.

I doubt they will go along with your idea, that would mean putting in some effort before they saw the money. And even if they did I would be suspicous that they had set up the jobs with coniving friends. Yes I do have a suspicious mind.

 

[unclemick]

Re: Mod Please Move to OTher ? Major Vulture Attack in Progress

OAP

That's the engineer mindset - it's a trap - all my solutions in various cases over the years - were yes/then ignored, I tryed it but it didn't work out and it's your fault for 'making me do it', etc., etc.

Difficult for me to grasp - but some of my relatives/friends are unfixable.

Being a cheap ******* isn't soo bad. After a while I got used to it.

I will be sending my sister a last small chunk of my Mother's estate(from my half)was expecting her to contribute it toward her/BIL retirement - she let it slip over the phone about the rehersal diner expenses for her youngest son's wedding coming up.

No No No - with a few lapses here and there.

On second thought - don't listen to anything I suggest.

Heh heh heh

 

[poboy]

Re: Mod Please Move to OTher ? Major Vulture Attack in Progress

How about pull the two step. You call Mom, tell her you had bet on interest rate decrease, then start using a lot of economist terms (jibber jabber) and the chinese futures went south and you owe umpteen thousands you do not have and could she help you out. You are desperate, some guy named Vito keeps coming around, power company is threatening you and the repo man is parked down the street. Ask if you could live with her if the house is taken.

 

[Spanky]

Re: Mod Please Move to OTher ? Major Vulture Attack in Progress

If you do not want to do it, just say no. It's hard to say no to family members, but there is no clear cut or technique to say no. No matter what you are going to say, it will be unwelcomed. They will never understand why you are not helping since you are 'loaded' in their eyes.

 

[LovesLife]

Re: Mod Please Move to OTher ? Major Vulture Attack in Progress

OAP,

I have some simple solutions.

1) Just say "NO"
2) Do not answer your phone
3) Just say "NO" and hang up the phone.
4) When you move, DO NOT LEAVE A FORWARDING ADDRESS OR PHONE NUMBER
5) Only remain in contact with your mom through a PO box.

If you give just a little to them, you will be giving for the rest of your life. You do not owe them a damn thing. They have made their own mess. Let them learn from their mistakes. Any time you get the urge to give to them, sign on here and we'll talk you out of it.

LL

 

[brewer12345]

Re: Mod Please Move to OTher ? Major Vulture Attack in Progress

OAP, yu have to put your foot down and say no.  Since it will be your mom you are talking to, you can put it nicely, explaining that your resources are finite, you have a lot of healthcare expenses, and periodic bailouts will not solve the underlying problem while eventually bankrupting you.  But say NO.

 

[brewer12345]

Re: Mod Please Move to OTher ? Major Vulture Attack in Progress

If it makes you feel any better, forcing the vultures to face reality and deal with their problems is actually the best thing anyone can do for them, long term. You are being forced into the role of responsible adult, so do what you have to and get on with life. Eventually they will give up if they see that the gravy train is no longer running its schedule.

 

[astromeria]

Re: Mod Please Move to OTher ? Major Vulture Attack in Progress

I'd answer the phone and talk at length and with sympathy to all and sundry, but just help poor Sis pay the rent on a cheap apartment, if anything. Remember--your loot is tied up in investments, right? I don't recall if you've posted a history--what's the problem? If she's in poor health or cannot get a job, I'd feel more generous. Consider visiting her with a couple bags of groceries every few months instead of giving money. Remind your family that home ownership is hardly a necessity of life. Why do they expect you to provide luxuries for a sibling? Would they also expect you to get her a big-screen TV or pay for a vacation? What's wrong with a cheap apartment? I raised my kids in one till I bought my first house.

 

[audreyh1]

Re: Mod Please Move to OTher ? Major Vulture Attack in Progress

But in reality, I feel like it's OK for me just to say:

"Look, I did nothing to create this crisis, I see them making almost no effort to solve it themselves and I resent being put in a position of guilt because others are bums.  Explain to me where I'm at fault here?"  I'm sure my standing in the family can't get any lower anyway.

Yep - just say that. Then don't accept ownership from any of the unreasonable tirades that follow. You've already stated that it's not your problem.

Audrey

 

[Spanky]

Re: Mod Please Move to OTher ? Major Vulture Attack in Progress

Yep - just say that. Then don't accept ownership from any of the unreasonable tirades that follow. You've already stated that it's not your problem.

Audrey

Shifting blame will not go far even though the logic may be correct. It's better to say that you are willing to help but your hands are tied.

 

[Rustic23]

Re: Mod Please Move to OTher ? Major Vulture Attack in Progress

It would appear to me you have three options.
1. Don’t answer – Mom is going to get to you sometime, so this option does not really seem to work.
2. Say NO. while this option works, you are not going to be mister popular in your family. My brother and I went through this with my sister. She moved out of state and has vowed never to speak to us again.
3. Say Yes. If you do this at least get your name on the house. Maybe a joint ownership with your brother so when she stiffs you on the rent you have someone to share the misery with. At least that way you will be getting something for you charity.

 

[justin]

Re: Mod Please Move to OTher ? Major Vulture Attack in Progress

I'd go with the "gosh mom, my money is all tied up at the moment" route. Tell her you only get income off your investments once a month and that it is just barely enough to get by on for you, what with your medical bills and all ( ).

I also like the "the check is in the mail" run around. You didn't get it yet? Must be lost. I'll stop payment on that one and send another one then. Darn postal system.

 

[Andre1969]

Re: Mod Please Move to OTher ? Major Vulture Attack in Progress

"Look, I did nothing to create this crisis, I see them making almost no effort to solve it themselves and I resent being put in a position of guilt because others are bums. Explain to me where I'm at fault here?" I'm sure my standing in the family can't get any lower anyway.

I agree 100%. However, this is the type off statement a thinking person would make. A responsible person. A hard working person. A logical person. Don't expect a vulture to comprehend it. They're not going to care that they made their own mess and now they have to deal with it. All they comprehend is that they have a crisis and you have the means to help them out, and if you don't "save" them, then you're mean and evil.

Basically, you're going to be mean and evil in their eyes if you don't help them out, no matter how nicely or abruptly you turn them down. Just stand by your guns and don't let 'em get to you. I know that's hard to do with family, but sometimes you just gotta do it, for your own sanity.

 

[Spanky]

Re: Mod Please Move to OTher ? Major Vulture Attack in Progress

It would appear to me you have three options.
1. Don’t answer – Mom is going to get to you sometime, so this option does not really seem to work.

Avoidance is not a very good technique. She will detect it.

 

[cj]

Re: Mod Please Move to OTher ? Major Vulture Attack in Progress

Is there someone like this in every family?  DH's brother is 52 and never had a steady job in his whole life.  DH's mom is paying the brother's rent, and has been for as long as I can remember.  She gets VA disability payments & SS, and is making ends meet, but would be a whole lot more comfortable without the leech.  The brother bleeds people dry wherever he goes.  He knows better than to ask DH for money, but I wonder what will happen when the First National Bank of Mom closes for good.

Good luck with this, OAP.  I know you have a big heart, but don't let the Vulture stomp on it.

CJ

 

[LovesLife]

Re: Mod Please Move to OTher ? Major Vulture Attack in Progress

You are too funny, OAP. I know I sound pretty harsh about your family but we both know the only thing you share with them is some genes. You are very kindhearted and generous. I would love to see you give your money to some deserving person and reap the joy from doing so. You won't with the vultures. You deserve so much better.

 

[MasterBlaster]

Re: Mod Please Move to OTher ? Major Vulture Attack in Progress

A couple of thoughts

1) Money won't solve their problems. If you give them money you are somewhat responsible as you are an enabler. Think about this !

2) When they call, just tell em they are a loser and need to get their act together. Let em know that you are on a "budget" now that you are retired and have no "spare" change. let em know that they are on their own.

3) maybe getting put out on the street would be the best thing for them in the long run. Let em' sleep in the shelter or in their cars for a few months.

and lastly remember that - You are not your brothers keeper !