Marriage financial advice location/person?

F

FIREarly

Recycles dryer sheets
Joined
Apr 28, 2018
Messages
490
DH and DW have different thoughts on retirement and/or how to spend their income. One piece of advice I received is to get a good marriage financial advisor (CPA/CFP/whatever acronym) so that DH and DW have a professional to listen to (they do not listen to each other on this topic as often and they believe a financial advisor will provide a great "middle ground" between them.

We tried The Financial XXX (not trying to provide negative review of it) and the young advisor was very friendly but we "lost" money between every session. We tried a CPA who was a father of a friend and both of us did not agree on him.

Will you please provide your recommendation on where to find a quality marriage financial advisor (remotely online works too)?*

*Besides Google
 
Just about everything lost value last year unless you put it into CDs. Even good old dependable bonds went down as interest rates were hiked. Whether or not the advisor was any good depends on what you told him/her about your risk tolerance and how your mix of investments performed compared with similar portfolios. (See the 2022 Investment Performance thread.)

If you're comfortable volunteering this info, what did you tell the advisor about your objectives and risk tolerance and what did he/she have you invest in?
 
athena53 said:
If you're comfortable volunteering this info, what did you tell the advisor about your objectives and risk tolerance and what did he/she have you invest in?
Click to expand...

We do not have an advisor and I am looking for a good professional person/place to provide this information to DH and DW who have different ideas on income, spending it now vs saving and investing it.
 
I love this guy - he is our fee-only financial advisor. We paid $1000 to work with us to come up with a plan and then check in every year or so for about $250. Meets with you on Zoom. His current pricing may be a little more for new clients.

https://forthrightfinances.com/y
 
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This sounds like more of a marriage thing than a financial advice thing. IMO, there is a chance that the FA will likely align more with one than the other and while that might sway the other partner, it could also make them feel "ganged" up on and/or dismiss the advice. -that's sort of how marriage counseling worked in my marriage.



When I was married, we had his, hers, and ours accounts (for joint expenses and savings goals -house downpayment, etc) and that worked well (other things didn't but finances were not an issue). That could be a solution if risk tolerance or spending patterns/desires are vastly different and both are able to respect the autonomy of the other's account that is not managed to their preference.
 
Wait - the marriage partners won't listen to one another, identify what they like/don't like about each other's ideas, and come up with a solution they both can live with....

....yet they expect some unknown 3rd party to come in with a solution they both will listen to, evaluate, and agree on?

Respectfully, something doesn't add up.
 
FLSUnFIRE said:
When I was married, we had his, hers, and ours accounts (for joint expenses and savings goals -house downpayment, etc) and that worked well (other things didn't but finances were not an issue). That could be a solution if risk tolerance or spending patterns/desires are vastly different and both are able to respect the autonomy of the other's account that is not managed to their preference.
Click to expand...

We started out that way because we married late-ish compared to our peers and had already established careers and a strong sense of independence but not as much savings as either would have liked. About a year after that, we decided that this was a pain to keep up with and went full-on-merged...

Good friend became a widower and eventually married someone who was also a widow. Both are retired and have substantial assets and they've gone with his/hers/ours. For them, and for others that come into a marriage with substantial assets, this makes a lot of sense to me, especially in community property states...

Cheers.
 
FLSUnFIRE said:
This sounds like more of a marriage thing than a financial advice thing. IMO, there is a chance that the FA will likely align more with one than the other and while that might sway the other partner, it could also make them feel "ganged" up on and/or dismiss the advice. -that's sort of how marriage counseling worked in my marriage.



When I was married, we had his, hers, and ours accounts (for joint expenses and savings goals -house downpayment, etc) and that worked well (other things didn't but finances were not an issue). That could be a solution if risk tolerance or spending patterns/desires are vastly different and both are able to respect the autonomy of the other's account that is not managed to their preference.
Click to expand...

This is an accurate post. We already have a his, hers, and kind of an ours account but we do not truly use it the way you described. This might be what is needed. Right now, the mortgage and HOA is paid by one of us and there is a monthly bills Excel document that has a DH section, DW section, and money owed each month.

Off to w*rk and appreciate all posts!
 
FIREarly said:
DH and DW have different thoughts on retirement and/or how to spend their income. One piece of advice I received is to get a good marriage financial advisor (CPA/CFP/whatever acronym) so that DH and DW have a professional to listen to (they do not listen to each other on this topic as often and they believe a financial advisor will provide a great "middle ground" between them.

We tried The Financial XXX (not trying to provide negative review of it) and the young advisor was very friendly but we "lost" money between every session. We tried a CPA who was a father of a friend and both of us did not agree on him.

Will you please provide your recommendation on where to find a quality marriage financial advisor (remotely online works too)?*

*Besides Google
Click to expand...

I've heard of financial advisors and marriage counselors, but I don't think I've ever heard of somebody who actually does both. No reason such a person couldn't exist, though.

I do, however, know couples where one of them has the most interest in financial matters and the other less so. In most of the cases, the one that is less interested is also the one more worried about how the other is handling investments, savings etc. In those instances, having a CFP review the financial plan has resulted in a few tweaks to the plan, but also gave peace of mine to the less interested party that the right things are being done.

Doesn't sound exactly like your issue though..

Cheers
 
Amethyst said:
Wait - the marriage partners won't listen to one another, identify what they like/don't like about each other's ideas, and come up with a solution they both can live with....

....yet they expect some unknown 3rd party to come in with a solution they both will listen to, evaluate, and agree on?

Respectfully, something doesn't add up.
Click to expand...

It could help- someone might be able to help them find a middle ground if one is genuinely spending too freely and the other is being too cautious.

Having said that- the yours/mine/ours structure won't work if the two people aren't on the same page financially. I had that with my Ex but he spent everything he made and maxed out his credit cards. I was the saver, so guess who had funds to be tapped when the house needed a new roof or the water heater died. Well, I guess it worked for HIM.:rolleyes:
 
Yeah, it sounds to me more like a marriage counselor thing than a financial counselor thing. First thing is to try to agree on high level strategic goals/dreams like retire or work for life? If retire, then early (say 55), middle (say 65) or late (say 70 or later)? Then agree on level of retirement spending in 2023 $$$ and then look at planning to get there.

Quicken Lifetime Planner might be a good tool to flesh out a plan on the last part.
 
True. But what about the part that says "they don't listen to each other"? We can never know if we're on the same page, if the listening part isn't there.

Perhaps I am reading too much into it, and OP really just meant that one person is more interested than the other one in finance.

athena53 said:
It could help- someone might be able to help them find a middle ground if one is genuinely spending too freely and the other is being too cautious.

:
Click to expand...
 
Amethyst said:
Perhaps I am reading too much into it, and OP really just meant that one person is more interested than the other one in finance.
Click to expand...

Yes, one side is more interested in finance and the other side buys (both paying) a new SUV on loan and puppy from breeder... didn't know how EXPENSIVE a dog is.

The other side just increased their 401k to 8% (company match max). It's a great start but is not enough to retire "early"
 
You ught want to research "Pay yourself first".

Figure out a ballpark estimate of what you need to save annually to retire at a certain age or year given an agreed rate of spending in retirement... and then set that savings level up via payroll withholdings... then any remaining takehome pay after debt service could be spent on enjoying life.

It might be a way to get a realistic view on the lifestyle that you can afford given your income and your future financial goals.
 
You are just seeing the tip of the iceberg with modern-day pet costs.

At least, as of 2023, you don't need to worry about funding the dog's college - though I'll wager somebody out there is busy concocting a canine academy of some sort.

FIREarly said:
didn't know how EXPENSIVE a dog is.

"
Click to expand...
 
I think both are warranted.

Financial advisor to help parse out financial goals/desires/parity in budget spending.

Marriage counseling for assistance in managing disagreements, desires to "split" monies spent/fairnes/equalness (based on percentages of income perhaps), listening skills, compromise skills, anything else.

I have no recommendations of specific person/institution. Perhaps asking friends/neighbors?
One of the churches nearby recently had a marriage program based on Dave Ramsey Peace University. Maybe something like that? I now nothing of it, other than the church advertised it as a marriage financial help.

Best wishes as you deal with this issue.
Finances can make or break a marriage.
 
big-papa said:
We started out that way because we married late-ish compared to our peers and had already established careers and a strong sense of independence but not as much savings as either would have liked. About a year after that, we decided that this was a pain to keep up with and went full-on-merged...

Good friend became a widower and eventually married someone who was also a widow. Both are retired and have substantial assets and they've gone with his/hers/ours. For them, and for others that come into a marriage with substantial assets, this makes a lot of sense to me, especially in community property states...

Cheers.
Click to expand...


I was more established and several years older than my ex-wife and on my way to FIRE back then, she had a negative NW (student loans) which were rapidly paid off. Managing it was pretty easy as we each had split deposits on pay into the joint account. Spending was just a matter of pulling out the joint credit card or personal card. The biggest benefit to me was I would never judge her stupid purchases nor she judge my [-]stupid[/-] well thought out perfectly rational purchases. Also, she treated her car as a trash can and if it was "our" car, I would have been livid. Since it was "her" car bought with her money I just kicked the trash out of the way of my feet when she drove!



I thought of a pre-nump but didn't like the thought of planning to fail (now I don't view it that way, more like an insurance policy in the same way I don't plan to crash my car); fortunately, the unfortunate divorce was amicable and uncontested and it made it fairly easy to split our joint assets with most of our accumulated wealth "individual."
 
FIREarly said:
Yes, one side is more interested in finance and the other side buys (both paying) a new SUV on loan and puppy from breeder... didn't know how EXPENSIVE a dog is.

The other side just increased their 401k to 8% (company match max). It's a great start but is not enough to retire "early"
Click to expand...

It's not just who's "interested in finance" here. My dear second husband had very little interest in investing and left that to me. He always knew what we had and roughly how it was invested, and if I were thinking of doing something relatively risky I'd run it by him because I valued his common sense. If he didn't like the idea I wouldn't do it or I'd take a smaller stake. OTOH, almost without talking about it we developed a rule that neither of us would spend more than about $300 without consulting the other. (And I don't think we ever had a disagreement on it- it was a matter of keeping each other informed.)

What you're describing is a couple where one person is more interested in SAVING. Big difference.
 
My 35-year marriage was just like this. The difference being, neither of us knew anything about investing; I had just enough interest to become the "finance" person, however little qualified.

We talked over purchases, even less than $300, because we liked talking to one another. (This is key :D). Sometimes he'd have a question, but usually his response to me was "Sure, go ahead, if you think we can afford it."

athena53 said:
It's not just who's "interested in finance" here. My dear second husband had very little interest in investing and left that to me. He always knew what we had and roughly how it was invested, and if I were thinking of doing something relatively risky I'd run it by him because I valued his common sense. If he didn't like the idea I wouldn't do it or I'd take a smaller stake. OTOH, almost without talking about it we developed a rule that neither of us would spend more than about $300 without consulting the other. (And I don't think we ever had a disagreement on it- it was a matter of keeping each other informed.)

What you're describing is a couple where one person is more interested in SAVING. Big difference.
Click to expand...
 
We have been married for 15 years, and both have substantial assets. Even though this is a community state, we have kept everything separate.
Since I am somewhat more computer literate, she has let me take care of checking on her assets.
YMMV
 
Here is our secret. Her money is her money. My money is our money. We have a common credit card for our common expenses. She has her own for her fun. I ask no questions. Happy wife, happy wife.
 
Amethyst said:
We talked over purchases, even less than $300, because we liked talking to one another. (This is key :D). Sometimes he'd have a question, but usually his response to me was "Sure, go ahead, if you think we can afford it."
Click to expand...

We do this, a lot. DH likes to debate most purchases with me. I do for anything 200+, or less if it impacts us both. It was also fun to review our progress when we were planning ER. We still check and discuss our NW totals about once a month.

A few of these threads lately reinforcing how valuable it is for all couples to have this alignment, early and often.
 
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