Marriage of Convenience?

Khan said:
I think it was Margaret Meade suggested maybe people should have 3 marriages: for lust, for children, for companionship.
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I think I'm pretty lucky......I got all 3 in one marriage.....and, after many years, still have the lust and companionship! Kids are launched and on their way.
 
tinlizzy said:
My grandmother and elderly neighbor died a couple weeks apart. The foursome were acqaintances from card club. My grandfather married the neighbor lady 3 months after my grandmother's death. They were both about 70 and were married for 17 years. Because I knew both couples I can say that they didn't get along nearly as well as they did with their deceased spouses but they enjoyed each other's company for the most part. They did have a pre-nuptial agreement even though they had modest estates.

How much younger is this man?
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Current consideration person is 2 years younger.
 
Khan said:
Current consideration person is 2 years younger.
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OK, so he's 37;) All joking aside, please proceed with caution. I might even suggest soliciting advice from a lawyer. Seems to me this could be a very significant decision for you. Best to cover all the angles. And get professional advice from someone you pay to protect you instead of relying on the likes of us. What do we know? Not enough to give you rock solid advice for sure.
 
With the marriage penalty for fed income taxes apparently about to be reinstated, some married couples are again looking at the advantages of being two singles living together. No name change, no telling anyone, just a quiet divorce and lower tax bill.

Be thoughtful about this tentative marriage Khan. If finances are the primary motivation for formally tying the knot, I'd have to think long and hard about it.

However it works out, I hope the situation is one that enhances the quality and enjoyment of your life.
 
Good to see that you are back, Khan. Same as others, I suggest that if you proceed, it should be with a lot of caution.

Khan said:
I think it was Margaret Meade suggested maybe people should have 3 marriages: for lust, for children, for companionship.
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jerome len said:
I think I'm pretty lucky......I got all 3 in one marriage.....and, after many years, still have the lust and companionship! Kids are launched and on their way.
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Same here, kind of.

I do not know about lusty geezers. :) After so many years, if a couple still retains companionship, that ought to count for something.
 
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Hey, you only live once, and god is tired of over-cautious people like me.

Ha
 
Looking at how elderly relatives handled it.
My grandfather outlived his first two wives. (My grandmother was his first wife). In his late 80's he married out of convenience. It was a woman from his church - actually the youngest sister of one of his sister-in-laws. She was younger than my aunt by a few years.
The idea was she would be companion while he was still active (he was an avid RVer), then a caretaker when he started slowing down. She had no savings and son with special needs - so her financial security would benefit from this arrangement.
It only last 4 years. My grandfather didn't believe in divorce - but did it in this case. I don't know all the details other than she was *not* involved when his health started declining. So perhaps she didn't hold up her end of the bargain.

My dad and step mom were never legally married. They met soon after my mom died - both in their 70's. They chose to do a registered domestic partnership. That preserved her social security spousal benefits from her ex, for her, and survivor benefit pension my dad was collecting from my mom's pension. Getting married would have cost them $3k/month. They were totally in love... so it wasn't really convenience... and the partnership gave them legal benefits in a package.
 
There was a bad experience in my family. A grandfather lost his wife when they were both in their early 70s. After a few years of living on his own, he decided it was a lot of work, and he also missed the companionship. There had been a number of neighbor widows after him for some time, and he finally picked one.

She was about 15 years younger, and she promised to take care of him as he aged. But she demanded that he change his will to write out his three children (who he loved) and make her his sole heir, with her children (from her prior marriage) as secondary. She badgered him about it long enough that he finally gave in and did it (none of his three children lived nearby).

Unbeknown to him, she was already in failing health, and he soon found himself taking care of her instead of the other way around. Eventually he had to hire people to take care of them both. When he died, she got everything (refused to even let any of his children have even so much as a photograph). When she died, her children got everything.

Sad story, but these things happen.
 
This is only in the thinking about thinking about it stage.
He is in better condition physically.
I have no children.
I shall require assisted living in some fashion before too long.
 
Khan said:
Current consideration person is 2 years younger.
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This made me laugh - are there others you may consider? Pictured men lined up on the sidewalk outside your door. :)

2 years makes me feel better. Would marriage be preferable to you instead of shacking up?

You mentioned long term care. Do you think a marriage contract would make him more responsible for you should your health fail -that your roles would be more defined as spouses?

Do you want to be married so others will think you're in love and not just....friends, roommates?
 
My 84 y.o. (?) mom went the "shacking up" route, with a good friend. They can drive each other to the hospital and assist with recovery (her knee replacement and his heart valve replacement). The hospital had no problem with their status as "companions", though frequently Mom was referenced as Mrs. Friend. They have POA's and medical directives. He changed his trust/will to benefit Mom since he has no family. Mom was going to change her trust, but then thought that was too complicated. We have instructions that the friend stays in the house if she goes first. Fine by us. They do much better together than they could alone. I don't see that they are limited in any way by not being married.
 
I have been shacking up 26 years so far and no plans to marry. He says he will marry me three years before he dies if he can figure out when that will be so I can get his pension.

Marriage has advantages and disadvantages so far the disadvantages are much too much for either of us.

We live in a community property state so our fiances would be combined legally for things like taking new debt. It is awful thinking someone can get you in debt for things you don't want.

I have all the assets and he does stupid things sometimes. Single I only share if I feel like sharing and I am in total control of my money. My estate will go to my family, he doesn't have a family so if he got my estate then died the government or his half siblings would get my estate. We don't even know where the half siblings live. I have seen them but not for many years and only a hand full of times, I want my estate left to my family.

I might leave him a life tenancy in a house or an allowance from a trust but not my estate. He is beneficiary on some investments but not all investments.

Marriage is a set of laws to me not a commitment or sign of love or caring. If you are married and one of you goes to a nursing home they can force the other into poverty to pay for it. Shacking up he would go on Medicaid if he ran out of money leaving me with my entire net worth.
 
old woman said:
If you are married and one of you goes to a nursing home they can force the other into poverty to pay for it. Shacking up he would go on Medicaid if he ran out of money leaving me with my entire net worth.
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So married couples should either get a divorce or buy a good LTC policy..........
 
old woman said:
Marriage is a set of laws to me not a commitment or sign of love or caring. If you are married and one of you goes to a nursing home they can force the other into poverty to pay for it. Shacking up he would go on Medicaid if he ran out of money leaving me with my entire net worth.
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This very issue is a concern to me. My wife and I have discussed if getting divorced and living together would be an answer. But it would mess up her spouse medical from my former company. Maybe the pension survivor rights now also.
 
Ok, I think maybe I have the picture. I had thought of advising my husband to do something similar if I were to go before him. We also have no children and he has a progressive disability. I guess my fear is what has already been mentioned. If it went bad he could end up without anywhere to turn. You need to think about yourself before you worry about social security.
 
I was very close to an elderly woman who married to get someone to take care of her. She wanted to leave her estate to her children and they had a prenup. He wanted money (even tho his income exceeded hers) and she wanted a caretaker. Neither was happy in the relationship. They threatened divorce every other day. When he was good to her, he was very good, but he would leave her saying he was getting a divorce then come back a little later. Her daughter tried to be supportive and encourage her to move the city where she lived, but he always came back. He constantly badgered her about her will and wanting money. It was a bad situation. Extreme caution is advised.
 
[QUOTE. Extreme caution is advised.[/QUOTE]
 
FIYes said:
I was very close to an elderly woman who married to get someone to take care of her. She wanted to leave her estate to her children and they had a prenup. He wanted money (even tho his income exceeded hers) and she wanted a caretaker. Neither was happy in the relationship. They threatened divorce every other day. When he was good to her, he was very good, but he would leave her saying he was getting a divorce then come back a little later. Her daughter tried to be supportive and encourage her to move the city where she lived, but he always came back. He constantly badgered her about her will and wanting money. It was a bad situation. Extreme caution is advised.
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IMO, this is why the conventional idea of paying someone for care services is preferable to marrying that person, even if the person has to live in and even if the person is someone with whom one feels intimate. By paying the person for care, one would know that the care would actually be received regularly and as expected, in exchange for the money.

Otherwise one might end up giving half one's money to the person in divorce proceedings, for almost no care.
 
Khan, I hope we have convinced you that this is a really bad idea.

Step away from the wedding.......
 
Khan said:
Have been considering all plus and minus; don't know end result.
Living together would have some advantages.
Actual marriage would give him SSA.
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The SSA is the only thing that requires marriage, it seems. Would you still get married if that weren't a possibility?
 
Meadbh said:
Khan, I hope we have convinced you that this is a really bad idea.

Step away from the wedding.......
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Absolutely ! You get married & you have just handed him half and a hefty chunk to a lawyer when he wants out ! A lot of people underestimate how hard it is to be a caregiver and when faced with reality bail or stay and become resentful.
 
I don't really care what anyone else does with their life. Hey, so far it's a free country. But to me it is naive to believe that someone might marry you because you want to be cared for. Then that person be a good prospect to actually care for you. I can't imagine being poor enough or greedy enough to want that deal as the caretaker.

Ha
 
Khan said:
This is only in the thinking about thinking about it stage.
He is in better condition physically.
I have no children.
I shall require assisted living in some fashion before too long.
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In an assisted living facility you will get much more support from both staff and residents. If affordable, a much more reliable option.
 
MichaelB said:
In an assisted living facility you will get much more support from both staff and residents. If affordable, a much more reliable option.
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and to that I'd add what makes you so certain that when you need "him" he'll be there for you? You may be too incapacitated to seek outside help and you'd be at the mercy of someone who may not have your best interest at heart. This sounds like a recipe for disaster IMHO.
 
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