My son wants to me to help pay for his very expensive wedding? How much?

[HarveyS]

Might be worthwhile to have lunch with the bride's parents and get a read on where they are coming from. Could be any number of things, for instance:
A. Our baby girl gets whatever she wants.
B. We told them $50k and that's it - the kids need to figure it out from there.
C. Thank goodness you brought this up. They pushed us for $50k and we caved. We think $50k is crazy. Let's talk with the kids.

 

[Chuckanut]

Given that at least 50% of the children of people in my age group have seen their marriage go bust in under 5 years, I have come to the conclusion that marriage ceremonies should be modest affairs - rent the hall under the church, have cake and other nibbles, punch, and perhaps some wine and beer if appropriate. A splurge would be hiring a small 3 or 4 man band to perform.

Then every 5 years give them a somewhat bigger and nicer anniversary party/dinner. Every five years the party gets a little bigger. At 25 years and when the grand kids are old enough to help out, it's time for the big bash. I set that at 25 years because if you wait too long you (the parents) may not be able to enjoy it.

 

[Major Tom]

His fiancee is a very cultured woman who grew up in a wealthy family and expects the best the world has to offer.

Well this is an interesting used of the world "cultured". I always took it to refer to people who were well-read, and familiar with the worlds of literature, art, theater, and the world in general. In this context, I'm taking it to mean "expensive tastes". If so, it's arguable whether this really represents "the best the world has to offer".

I also very much agree with the poster who commented that the source of the pressure was not clear. A little more detail would be helpful in this respect. Nevertheless, it does seem as this couple will be embarking on an expensive lifestyle together, if the wedding is anything to go by. Hopefully, they will have the joint income to support it.

 

[OldShooter]

... Hopefully, they will have the joint income to support it.

And if they do, they can afford to pay a big chunk of the cost for the wedding they want.

Re the bride's parents and as someone else observed, I think they are setting a limit (albeit a high one -- their choice) because they know their daughter. My guess, too, is that it is the daughter where this pressure for the additional $40K originates. OP might as well get used to saying "no" now because there will be many future needs to say it too.

 

[CardsFan]

Any one else notice that OP has "gone travelling"?

 

[ducky911]

I wonder if you offered to loan them the money if the value of the wedding day would diminish. Fun to have a party on other peoples money.

 

[Dtail]

Any one else notice that OP has "gone travelling"?

Good catch. Let's see how many more advice posts there will be.

 

[euro]

no

Late to the thread, but I fully agree with the very first answer: NO!

I do not think that you have ANY obligation to pay. If they want a fancy wedding (personally, I do not understand the point of fancy weddings at all, but I understand others feel differently - an entire industry depends on it, I suppose....), then they should find a way to bankroll it themselves.

 

[brett]

JUST SAY NO!

They must assume that you are some weak kneed patsy who will cave to emotional blackmail.

 

[brett]

JUST SAY NO!

They must assume that you are some weak kneed patsy who will cave to emotional blackmail.

Take the money and have a blow out vacation or two for you and your spouse!
That, IMHO, would be putting the money to much better use!

 

[rothlev]

It is likely that you had given some thought as to how you wanted to handle your son's wedding expenses before this ever came up. Use the number you had in your head. No need for your son to pressure you into giving more than you had planned. For me I gave both of my children the same amount of money, and that was that.

 

[Ger0n1mo]

My observation is that the weddings chance of survival are inversely proportional to the amount spent on it. Spending that much would be virtually guarantee disaster.

And what 20 something has 250 real friends? Maybe facebook friends, but they don’t really count. Tell all of them that they are moving next weekend and see who shows up to help. That should be a much more manageable number.

There is plenty of evidence that the success of a marriage is inversely tied to the cost of the wedding. Here is just one link:
https://20somethingfinance.com/wedding-expenses-and-marriage-success/

 

[Safire]

My son wants me to help pay for his very expensive wedding. But how much is enough?

Even though I am semi-retired and trying to be financially independent there are still many unexpected expenses and family demands for me to spend a lot of my money.

My son- who is in his mid-20s- has found his dream woman and has announced his engagement. His fiancee is a very cultured woman who grew up in a wealthy family and expects the best the world has to offer. Her parents have given her $50,000 for the wedding, reception, and honeymoon and they are planning an incredible event and honeymoon. They expect to invite about 250 of their closest most personal friends and relatives. The wedding and reception will be at a very exclusive Country Club and the honeymoon will be 5 Star.

$50K won't pay for the event and they need more money. My wife and I are under extreme pressure to pay up to another $40K for the event. So we can closely match his fiancee's parents' contribution.

The issue really comes to extreme pressure to match the contribution of the brides' parents. My son says that is the tradition and all his other friends had the same arrangement. He has gone to about a dozen weddings in the last five years and all of them were very expensive affairs, so he feels a need to keep up with his friends.

Would you as an early retired parent feel pressured to help pay for a fancy wedding and honeymoon if the fiancee's parents paid a large amount also?

No.

This is not a competition. This is especially not a good thing if the other side has deep pockets and you don't. At some time, you'll simply either go for broke (trying to "match") or give up in sheer exhaustion & frustration.

And I'm sorry but your son and his fiance both sound very "entitled". They can "expect the very best the world has to offer" provided fhey can pay for it themselves. If they can't, they need to learn to make do. Put your foot down now, spell out your budget & they can take or leave it.

I would not cave in here, esp if you really cannot afford it.

 

[Car-Guy]

Any one else notice that OP has "gone travelling"?

Maybe he went back to work full time to pay for the wedding...

 

[HarryHawk]

Tell your son to take out a loan and contact his representative in Washington. It is unfair for young married couples to be saddled with wedding cost loans. The taxpayers should be more than willing to pick up the tab.

 

[JoPeter57]

The OP hasn't mentioned if his share ($40k) of the wedding would put a big dent in his retirement funds? Is the son the only child. Will the son contribute a little to take the bite off the dad? maybe 30k/10k

 

[FindingForward]

so can anyone here predict the next likely step if the OP says no? GoFundMe...here we come. The favorite panhandler tactic for today's hip generation.

"Hey everyone we've ever connected with on FB/Twitter/Insta: Please give us money to have the wedding we need and deserve."

 

[euro]

so can anyone here predict the next likely step if the OP says no? GoFundMe...here we come. The favorite panhandler tactic for today's hip generation.

"Hey everyone we've ever connected with on FB/Twitter/Insta: Please give us money to have the wedding we need and deserve."

Sounds preferable to extorting your parents, me thinks!

 

[Golden sunsets]

I'm curious why the OP has been banned? Is it just because he/she didn't follow up, or is there a different reason the mod's felt they weren't genuine?

 

[youbet]

I note that OP has started 8 threads and made a total of 13 posts.

 

[Badger]

It sounds like the son has never learned the value of money or how to budget expenses. It also sounds like the young lady will be high maintenance and a stress on the marriage. I think the only one who will come out ahead will be a lawyer in a few years. I may be wrong so good luck to the couple.

Cheers!

 

[Katsmeow]

Would you as an early retired parent feel pressured to help pay for a fancy wedding and honeymoon if the fiancee's parents paid a large amount also?

No. I wouldn't feel pressured to do it if I was still working either.

Look. It is your money. No one can pressure you to do anything with it unless you want to be pressured. I am not one of those people who feels that only the bride's family should pay. That harkens back to an old fashioned patriarchal system that I don't believe it.

That said, I don't see why parents get involved in any of this at all. People aren't getting married at 20 anymore. Usually both participants have been out in the world and are supporting themselves. That includes paying for their wedding.

Now - some parents want to contribute something to it. That is fine. Bride's parents can knock themselves out. I will say that $50k would not come close to covering what is planned so one of two things is going on. Bride's parents have set their own limit (which is fine) and bride and groom are trying to make it happen through upping your limit. The other possibility is that bride's parents are wanting this as well.

Resist. Don't do it. Find an amount that are happily and easily able to afford. Offer it to them as either part of the wedding planning or as a gift. Let's say it is $10000 (made up number that could be whatever). If you contribute nothing to wedding then give them the $10000 as a wedding gift. If you contribute $10k to the wedding then, well, that IS their gift.

Honestly, I also have to say I wonder about this marriage. The maturity of the participants seem questionable. Justifying stuff because "everybody else" gets to do X is an argument I expect from those in elementary school. I would put give no credence to such an argument and it would demonstrate such a lack of maturity that I would be inclined to offer very little to this enterprise.

By the way if you agree to write a check for wedding expenses I think there is a risk here that this wedding will not come off at all and your money will be completely wasted. Personally, I would not contribute to the wedding expenses. I would write a check and give it to them after the wedding. They can then use the money for whatever they want. Including paying bills for the wedding or honeymoon.

Do not consider placing yourself in financial jeopardy over this. Your son and his soon to be wife need to grow up.

 

[SecondAttempt]

Honestly, I also have to say I wonder about this marriage. The maturity of the participants seem questionable. Justifying stuff because "everybody else" gets to do X is an argument I expect from those in elementary school. I would put give no credence to such an argument and it would demonstrate such a lack of maturity that I would be inclined to offer very little to this enterprise.

I don't think we should diagnose people based on a few comments from the OP. That said, the picture I got was that most of the 250 guests would be the the sorority and fraternity brothers and sisters and that the wealthy parents were giving "only" $50,000 to provide a learning experience for the young couple.

I can imagine Thurston and Mrs. Howell looking at each other when the wedding plan was pitched and immediately scaling it back with a lowball contribution. The OP did say that was for wedding, reception, and a 5 star honeymoon.

The last wedding I have any insight into the costs of was that of a former housesitter in 1994. Hers was not extravagant but cost about $20k not including a honeymoon. So, while I think $50k is too much, I don't necessarily think it is out of line with what some people spend these days.

If the OP wants honest advice, I would sit down with the couple, both of them, and I would counsel them that marriage involves a lot of compromise and learning to solve problems together. They have a problem as a couple. They want an extravagent wedding to impress friends but they can't afford it. Work with them to find a path forward. Personally I would be willing to pitch in something, probably in the neighborhood of $20k IF I saw them working together to reach a solution. But you will probably learn a LOT from the body language and behavior of the bride during that conversation.

But again, I am not going to judge. She may be an absolutely wonderful girl who steps up to work a second job to pay for the wedding of her dreams!

 

[RobbieB]

If you want to impress your friends...

You're already doing it wrong.

 

[SecondAttempt]

If you want to impress your friends...

You're already doing it wrong.

While I superficially agree with you. Why have a wedding at all? Weddings are all about celebrating a life event with your community.

I got married once and we spent under $1000 on a reception in a park with beer, hamburgers and hot dogs and other snacks. Wedding was before a justice of the peace. Got super cold during the reception so the party ended up back at our house in front of the fireplace with coffee replacing beer! We are divorced now but lasted almost 25 years.

I plan to get married again fairly soon. I think it will be a relatively simple event again.