My son wants to me to help pay for his very expensive wedding? How much?

[rayvt]

Would you as an early retired parent feel pressured to help pay for a fancy wedding and honeymoon if the fiancee's parents paid a large amount also?

Even when we were not retired we would have said NO.

Nobody has 250 "close & personal friends". Nobody.
More than $5,000 is too much for a wedding. More than $50,000 is absurd.

Tell your son to save his money for the divorce.

 

[rayvt]

No.

Tell your son to take out a loan.

Heh, when my son got married, his wife-to-be wanted to take out a $15,000 loan in addition to the $5,000 they already had for the wedding. Proud to say that he said, "No way. We will have to do with the $5,000 cash we have."

 

[KarenF]

My son wants me to help pay for his very expensive wedding. But how much is enough?

Even though I am semi-retired and trying to be financially independent there are still many unexpected expenses and family demands for me to spend a lot of my money.

My son- who is in his mid-20s- has found his dream woman and has announced his engagement. His fiancee is a very cultured woman who grew up in a wealthy family and expects the best the world has to offer. Her parents have given her $50,000 for the wedding, reception, and honeymoon and they are planning an incredible event and honeymoon. They expect to invite about 250 of their closest most personal friends and relatives. The wedding and reception will be at a very exclusive Country Club and the honeymoon will be 5 Star.

$50K won't pay for the event and they need more money. My wife and I are under extreme pressure to pay up to another $40K for the event. So we can closely match his fiancee's parents' contribution.

The issue really comes to extreme pressure to match the contribution of the brides' parents. My son says that is the tradition and all his other friends had the same arrangement. He has gone to about a dozen weddings in the last five years and all of them were very expensive affairs, so he feels a need to keep up with his friends.

Would you as an early retired parent feel pressured to help pay for a fancy wedding and honeymoon if the fiancee's parents paid a large amount also?

We did contribute generously to both son's wedding, but it was more in the $20k range and we were still working. We went by the division of expenses on theknot.com. It sounds like you had not told him what you would contribute up front. We talked about contributions with the bride's parents in the early stages of planning and it was very clear. I would contribute what you can - give him a dollar amount and stick to it. It sounds like their wedding is too fancy - $90k is a ridiculous amount to spend on a wedding - think how far that would go toward a house.

 

[rayvt]

How 'bout pulling the brides parents house up on Zillow. Then say "WOW!! Look Johnny her parents place is worth 3X ours. Now you can understand why we can only afford $15k.".

Nope. You don't offer a reason why. Because that opens up for them to try to counter your objection.

Just say no. It's hard for somebody to come up with a counter-argument for "no".

 

[The Cosmic Avenger]

Nope. You don't offer a reason why. Because that opens up for them to try to counter your objection.

Just say no. It's hard for somebody to come up with a counter-argument for "no".

+1,000,000. I have to keep reminding people (including myself) that "No." is a complete sentence for that very reason.

 

[frances]

My son wants me to help pay for his very expensive wedding. But how much is enough?

Even though I am semi-retired and trying to be financially independent there are still many unexpected expenses and family demands for me to spend a lot of my money.

My son- who is in his mid-20s- has found his dream woman and has announced his engagement. His fiancee is a very cultured woman who grew up in a wealthy family and expects the best the world has to offer. Her parents have given her $50,000 for the wedding, reception, and honeymoon and they are planning an incredible event and honeymoon. They expect to invite about 250 of their closest most personal friends and relatives. The wedding and reception will be at a very exclusive Country Club and the honeymoon will be 5 Star.

$50K won't pay for the event and they need more money. My wife and I are under extreme pressure to pay up to another $40K for the event. So we can closely match his fiancee's parents' contribution.

The issue really comes to extreme pressure to match the contribution of the brides' parents. My son says that is the tradition and all his other friends had the same arrangement. He has gone to about a dozen weddings in the last five years and all of them were very expensive affairs, so he feels a need to keep up with his friends.

Would you as an early retired parent feel pressured to help pay for a fancy wedding and honeymoon if the fiancee's parents paid a large amount also?

My son found his dream woman also, and I had just inherited a large sum (low six figures my mom told him about) when my dad died.
SO my son wanted me to pay for his desired "destination" wedding (those were all the rage at the time) because at the time future wife's parents weren't going to do so (I don't know the details and never asked). I told him the money was earmarked for 1) paying off my mortgage, 2) paying off my home equity loan 3) paying for his brother's out of state tuition. That ate up all of it, and it REALLY did. End of discussion with son, but dear husband tried to arm-twist me with "but future daughter-in-law deserves the best!". My answer: then her parents need to pony up. We're the parents of the GROOM.
We did pay for the honeymoon - IN Kauaii, HAWAII - and the rehearsal dinner at their choice of local restaurant.
It all worked out fine and they've been married 7 years so far.

 

[bigriver]

The groom’s family pays for the rehearsal dinner. My wife’s family couldn’t pay for the wedding so we paid for it. My mother paid the same amount my wife’s divorced parents did. So basically we paid for all of it. No big deal we knew it going in. Last wedding invite had a web link that had donations for the honeymoon ����*

 

[brett]

Some of the very best weddings we have been to in terms of fun and enjoyment were the low budget variety where people have let their hair down as the evening progressed.

Some of the big, fancy ones that we have attended have completely faded from memory.

It is the people that make the difference, not the venue or how much is spent.

My daughter got to the point in wedding planning where she said enough is enough. We will switch to a destination wedding at a high end AI. Anyone who wants to join can. IF not fine. Gifts are not required. Worked out just fine and avoided all sorts of family issues. Middle of winter,,,,warm beach location with the vows by the beach. JP did the legal wedding at their kitchen table after they returned. No fuss.

I suspect that there are far too many people living their lives based on what they think others expect of them, what others may think of their choices, or attempting to keep up with the Jones. Seems to me like a challenging way to live your life. IMHO, life is far too short for than nonsense.

 

[Delawaredave5]

Never heard of groom's parents "matching" contribution.

Tradition I've seen is groom's parents host rehearsal dinner.

Like everyone said, the amounts are outrageous.

 

[youbet]

Aaron, according to my calculations at 10/ drink they each had 22). Lifestyles of rich and famous alcoholics!

Well...... sorta....... Before you calculate a price per drink at the open bar, you need to deduct several cases of expensive campaign for the toasts, cases of excellent wine to go with dinner, after dinner drinks, etc. Then allocate the remainder. Still, a lot of dough for booze for 125 people! There had to be some darn expensive stuff flowing that evening!

 

[youbet]

My daughter got to the point in wedding planning where she said enough is enough. We will switch to a destination wedding

I get the idea of a destination wedding and I bet they're fun. It does seem too bad that it's likely some folks who would like to attend your wedding but either can't afford the expense or can't get the time off work can't attend. My kids went through this twice. The first, held on Antigua, was just over their budget for travel, accomodations, etc. The second, held at a resort in Arizona, DIL couldn't get the vacation time since she had recently changed jobs.

Perhaps some kind of dinner or party back home where everyone who missed the destination wedding and regretted it could all attend and party with the newly weds could come into play?

 

[athena53]

Last wedding invite had a web link that had donations for the honeymoon ����*

I've gifted twice through these sites- usually included as a link on the couple's wedding web site rather than enclosed in an invitation. Not any worse than a surcharge the site adds so they can make a profit.

 

[Ablatus]

When my mom died, there were instructions to deduct the $5K she loaned for my first house, $2k for repairs to my second, before closing and $3k for my car I bought when I moved back to the USA. With their house, she left about a million to four of us. One other sister got money for her house, too. So we had less than my other two siblings.

I say, especially if you have several children and you have plenty to live on, you will do it, but it is coming out of your retirement and his i inheritance. If you need it, he will have to take a second loan on his house down the road. And, when you die, he'll have it deducted and dispersed to his siblings. Just an idea.

Also, make him do the compounding math on $40k from now until he is 60 at a 4% average. He might rather let you keep it for him until you die.

Also, have you had a private conversation with HER parents? Get on the same as them, have a dinner with them snd the kids, and you both tell them what you want to do. Back yard potluck and you pay for a trip around the world or you can put down 50% on a starter house out in Knoxville with it!!! I hope they don't have any debt!!!

 

[seattledan]

You will be doing him a favor now by expecting him to live within his means. It's a hard no for me.

 

[a60dan]

We gave each child (2 boys 1 girl) $5K toward their wedding receptions.

We believe they need to be “invested” more in the marriage than the party.

 

[RobbieB]

We should be looking at the investment angle here.

What's say 25% of Paris Hilton worth? Maybe that's the boy's plan?

Yeah, the devil made me do it and the OP is down the river anyway -

 

[teachme]

Late to the party but a hard no.

One of my brothers had this type of wedding (probably over $100K and that was 10+ years ago) and the wife came from money. They're happily married over a decade but they live a pretty significant lifestyle that is heavily subsidized by the wife's father along with free childcare from my parents. It works for them and my brother doesn't seem to mind so more power to them but I know my parents did not help much because they really couldn't afford to and as far as I can tell no hard feelings.

Our kids (regardless of biological sex) will be getting a fixed amount and it is nowhere near the amount you're being asked to pay. The kids are decent with money and understand we would prefer for them to have a wedding at the courthouse and save the money but we will support them however we can with time but the money is a hard limit.

 

[ukwildcat]

Gave $10K for son and future daughter in law wedding. Fast forward 15 years, daughter in law won't speak to us and withholds grandchildren from us the grandparents. My answer to contributing to son's wedding, a hard no

 

[38Chevy454]

Gave $10K for son and future daughter in law wedding. Fast forward 15 years, daughter in law won't speak to us and withholds grandchildren from us the grandparents. My answer to contributing to son's wedding, a hard no

What a bitch your DIL is. Sorry for you being treated like this.

 

[Valid not Invalid]

This will be a great Thanksgiving dinner conversation with my two boys who are senior in high school and sophomore in college. I frequently tell them I am giving them all the tools for success by paying for their cars (50K plus each), paying for their out of state college tuition and residence, and all that goes with that, including recently advising my sophomore to go get a new computer as his is currently on the blink. I plan to give them all they need through the first four years of college and then they are on their own. Give them the tools for success! I don’t see a sizable wedding as anything but a waste of money and they won’t be getting a dime from me. If they don’t know that now, they will by the end of dinner! Happy Thanksgiving Boys!

 

[Sunset]

This will be a great Thanksgiving dinner conversation with my two boys who are senior in high school and sophomore in college. I frequently tell them I am giving them all the tools for success by paying for their cars (50K plus each), paying for their out of state college tuition and residence, and all that goes with that, including recently advising my sophomore to go get a new computer as his is currently on the blink. I plan to give them all they need through the first four years of college and then they are on their own. Give them the tools for success! I don’t see a sizable wedding as anything but a waste of money and they won’t be getting a dime from me. If they don’t know that now, they will by the end of dinner! Happy Thanksgiving Boys!

You sound incredibly generous !

My Dad offered to sell me his old car for what the dealership would give him as a trade in when he bought a new car, so it cost me $300

 

[MissMolly]

First of, let me be clear that I think spending between $50,000 - $90,000 for a wedding is ridiculous. Having said that, for all you folks that go on and on about your very expensive vacations/trips which cost thousands of dollars, and justify it by saying you don't mind spending money for the experience. Is not a wedding an experience to be remembered for the rest of their lives?

 

[mpeirce]

I would offer to help the young couple work within their budget. Over $100,000 for a wedding is ridiculous in my opinion.

And point out that $100,000 making a modest 5.5% is worth roughy $500,000 after 30 years.

 

[Sunset]

First of, let me be clear that I think spending between $50,000 - $90,000 for a wedding is ridiculous. Having said that, for all you folks that go on and on about your very expensive vacations/trips which cost thousands of dollars, and justify it by saying you don't mind spending money for the experience. Is not a wedding an experience to be remembered for the rest of their lives?

You are right, and I have no issue with spending what I spend on a European vacation, so far the max has been $10K per vacation. I'd give the kids $10K to get married/honeymoon.

It is a very different kind of experience.
When people tell me they went to some European Country (as an example), I'm interested and like to see their photos. I'm not interested in seeing other people's wedding photos.

 

[FLJim]

My son wants me to help pay for his very expensive wedding. But how much is enough?

Even though I am semi-retired and trying to be financially independent there are still many unexpected expenses and family demands for me to spend a lot of my money.

My son- who is in his mid-20s- has found his dream woman and has announced his engagement. His fiancee is a very cultured woman who grew up in a wealthy family and expects the best the world has to offer. Her parents have given her $50,000 for the wedding, reception, and honeymoon and they are planning an incredible event and honeymoon. They expect to invite about 250 of their closest most personal friends and relatives. The wedding and reception will be at a very exclusive Country Club and the honeymoon will be 5 Star.

$50K won't pay for the event and they need more money. My wife and I are under extreme pressure to pay up to another $40K for the event. So we can closely match his fiancee's parents' contribution.

The issue really comes to extreme pressure to match the contribution of the brides' parents. My son says that is the tradition and all his other friends had the same arrangement. He has gone to about a dozen weddings in the last five years and all of them were very expensive affairs, so he feels a need to keep up with his friends.

Would you as an early retired parent feel pressured to help pay for a fancy wedding and honeymoon if the fiancee's parents paid a large amount also?

Considering that over 50% of marriages end in divorce, investing $50K or $100K in a wedding looks to be a stupid expenditure.