My son wants to me to help pay for his very expensive wedding? How much?

[Digital Nomad]

My son wants me to help pay for his very expensive wedding. But how much is enough?

Even though I am semi-retired and trying to be financially independent there are still many unexpected expenses and family demands for me to spend a lot of my money.

My son- who is in his mid-20s- has found his dream woman and has announced his engagement. His fiancee is a very cultured woman who grew up in a wealthy family and expects the best the world has to offer. Her parents have given her $50,000 for the wedding, reception, and honeymoon and they are planning an incredible event and honeymoon. They expect to invite about 250 of their closest most personal friends and relatives. The wedding and reception will be at a very exclusive Country Club and the honeymoon will be 5 Star.

$50K won't pay for the event and they need more money. My wife and I are under extreme pressure to pay up to another $40K for the event. So we can closely match his fiancee's parents' contribution.

The issue really comes to extreme pressure to match the contribution of the brides' parents. My son says that is the tradition and all his other friends had the same arrangement. He has gone to about a dozen weddings in the last five years and all of them were very expensive affairs, so he feels a need to keep up with his friends.

Would you as an early retired parent feel pressured to help pay for a fancy wedding and honeymoon if the fiancee's parents paid a large amount also?

 

[cbo111]

no

 

[easysurfer]

Sounds like this is when you tell your son that when you were his age, you walked [-]five[/-] ten miles to work every day.

 

[REWahoo]

Sounds like this is when you tell your son that when you were his age, you walked [-]five[/-] ten miles to work every day.

...barefoot in the snow, uphill both ways.

 

[OldShooter]

... Would you as an early retired parent feel pressured to help pay for a fancy wedding and honeymoon if the fiancee's parents paid a large amount also?

No, for a couple of reasons. First, it is insane to spend that much money on a wedding. Second, traditionally it is the bride's family that bears the wedding costs except IIRC for the after rehearsal dinner.

Kudos to the bride's family for setting a hard limit. I would do the same, maybe offer a $5-10K wedding check that can be used as they wish. From that point, I would tell the couple that extra expenses will be theirs.

Your son is, or should be, well aware that you don't have the financial resources that the bride's family apparently does. This doesn't even have to come up in the conversation.

 

[phil1ben]

I don't think that this question can be answered in a vacuum. It all depends on how significant 40K is to you and what percentage of your investable assets that it represents. Will the expenditure effect your life style in retirement? If it is less than 1% of your investable assets I would have a different response than if it is 10% of your investable assets.

 

[jollystomper]

I would only offer an amount that you were comfortable with. And draw a line in the sand on it. What is the worst than can happen? You can only feel as much pressure as you let them.

In the cultures that DW and I share, the groom's parents are only responsible for the rehearsal dinner, and any "extras" beyond what the bride's family planned. For example, at our wedding my parents wanted to invite more people than the bride's parents planned, so they paid the costs for those additional guests.

I agree that 50K seems a lot for a wedding. Perhaps this is a good time for them to learn the meaning of the word "budget" .

 

[Dash man]

Would you as an early retired parent feel pressured to help pay for a fancy wedding and honeymoon if the fiancee's parents paid a large amount also?

No.
Nine years ago we gave our son $20,000 for his wedding. The bride’s side was not able to help. It was a beautiful wedding.

If they can’t adjust to a $50,000 budget, they have other problems. I think that is too much.

 

[Car-Guy]

No. <------ That's a period after no

 

[MarieIG]

No.

I would set a limit.

I.e, we will pay up to $2,500 for a rehearsal dinner.

We will give you $7,500 to spend towards the wedding costs, which is inclusive of your gift. You can spend it any way you would like, but we will not be contributing any further.

We are NOT going to match the gift of the bride's parents. You two are adults and are responsible for your own wedding costs.

 

[Sunset]

I wonder if the Bride's parents had offered $15,000 , would they still have the same plans ?

I have to wonder, what are the plans after the marriage and honeymoon, do they already own a house, or will they come asking for "help" with a down payment ?
Do either of them have student loans or plan to attend College ?

Lastly, to spend that amount or more on a wedding is for normal people just crazy. Maybe if your normal yearly spending is $400,000 I could see it.

 

[Lewis Clark]

No. I would not chip in $40,000 to help pay for a wedding, or any similar one-time event.

Only you know what conversations you have had in the past regarding how much you would contribute to your son's wedding. If I had made any prior commitments I would honor them if I could, though I would never have committed to that much.

You should offer up only what you are comfortable with. The full $40,000, zero, or anything in between.

 

[latexman]

My son just got married. Bride's friends catered rehearsal dinner as a gift. In lieu of that traditional cost, we paid for photographer and videographer. < $5k. No honeymoon for them, which is also traditionally groom's parents cost, because they had to get back to work.

Ask for the quotes/cost of rehearsal dinner and honeymoon. That's traditional. Since it's at a Country Club and a 5-star hotel, be prepared to say no if you can't afford it.

Can your son really afford this girl?

 

[bloom2708]

Have them elope and put $45k in their savings account.

$50k plus is toooo much for an event that will be in the rear view mirror.

 

[FANOFJESUS]

The last few weddings I went to cost under 3k. I thought they were fine. So I just can't relate to this. To be honest I am worried about it and even more so after the wedding what others things will come up. I keep thinking of this clip

Maybe a better question is can your son afford this women and her tastes in life?

 

[PatrickA5]

My oldest daughter got married this Summer. We gave $20K. Grooms parents pitched in $10K. Daughter and SIL paid the rest - which if I had to guess was probably another $10-$20K. The had a nice rehearsal party. A very nice wedding. And, a day after brunch (which I didn't know was a thing).

Same daughter went to a friend's wedding in Chicago. The wedding planner said it was well over $250K.

My youngest daughter's wedding was around $8K (including dress, etc). We gave her the same $20K and she saved the rest.

We have told our son, that we will give him the same $20K when the time comes.

 

[TripleLindy]

We faced an almost identical situation last year. We agreed to pay for half of my son's wedding, but within a budget. Father of the bride was encouraging a dream wedding, so all of a sudden I’m being asked to pay for half, but not within the budget we had set. Even though our future DIL was clearly upset, we stuck to our guns and held firm on the budget. Her father ended up paying far more than 50% and the bride and groom paid for a portion.

 

[Sunset]

.... The had a nice rehearsal party. A very nice wedding. And, a day after brunch (which I didn't know was a thing).

...

We attended a wedding in NV, also a nice rehearsal, wedding and morning after brunch, which was really surprising to us also!!
They were a happy couple, but after a few years are now DIVORCED.... at least DW and I took some time to go site seeing while we were there so it was not a total waste

 

[daylatedollarshort]

I would not pay $40K, but I would chip in something to keep the peace and explain that is all you can afford at this time. The DIL may be the gatekeeper of future grandchildren, so there is what is financially prudent, which is of course saying not just no, but hell no. Then there is the reality of staying on good terms with your adult kids and their partners, the people who might be picking out your nursing home some day.

 

[athena53]

Join me in the "no" group. Offer what you're comfortable with and let them decide how to deploy it. As Sunset mentioned, we don't really know the context. Do they have savings? Do they own a house or are they saving for one? If they don't have the means to contribute and are expecting the parents to foot the bill that doesn't bode well for the future.

I've occasionally felt guilty that DH and I paid only for the flowers for DS' wedding (which Mom, my sister and I arranged and used to make bouquets and boutonnieres) and the rehearsal dinner, but their wedding was pretty modest and they never asked for anything else. The rehearsal dinner turned into a reunion for DDIL's very large extended family but you know what? It was great fun. A la-di-da venue with wedding party only and no kids would have been dull and not in keeping with family or church culture and many family and friends came from out of town. I still have happy memories of that dinner, especially the smaller kids pulling the frilled toothpicks out of the pinwheel sandwiches and pretending to have fencing matches with them.

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

Weddings are bad luck.

I wouldn't pay for one.

 

[audreyh1]

We attended a wedding in NV, also a nice rehearsal, wedding and morning after brunch, which was really surprising to us also!!
They were a happy couple, but after a few years are now DIVORCED.... at least DW and I took some time to go site seeing while we were there so it was not a total waste

What’s the point of a morning after brunch? Aren’t the bride and groom already off on their honeymoon? Or is the brunch for everyone else?

 

[Chris7]

When my wife and I got married, neither family had lots of resources. So some things were gifted. Somethings were done by friends. Besides the rings, our wedding was less than $2K.


1 one of our sons got married last year. We don't have a ton of resources and I'm not sure about her parents, but the wedding was done at the Courthouse. My wife made the flowers. My daughter the cake. Her friend did the photos. We paid for the after wedding lunch.


Our daughter just got married. Her finance and her paid for most of it, less than $5K. We actually forgave a dept, took care of the flowers and pitched in $1,500,00.


So, I would say no.
cd : O)

 

[Exchme]

Of course not. If the fiancee and her family are so image conscious that they can't afford the wedding they demand, your son has bigger problems than this one party. The demands to live like a princess or keep up appearances will never stop.

Truly "wealthy and cultured" people wouldn't have put you in this awkward spot in the first place.

 

[socca]

... His fiancee ... grew up in a wealthy family and expects the best the world has to offer. ...

I agree with others in this thread. Your future DIL is your son's problem, not yours. I wouldn't do anything to risk my financial security just to help throw a party.

BTW: there is no shame in being poor. In fact, I love pretending that I'm poor. Crooks go where the money is.