Workplace BS

[W2R]

One of the internal databases contained a lenghthy list of "TLAs" - Three Letter Acronyms. Otherwise newcomers would have no idea what the more seasoned people were talking about.

In the federal workforce, we learn acronyms by the total immersion method.

 

[Khan]

In the federal workforce, we learn acronyms by the total immersion method.

Years ago I was trying to explain to explain my job to my parents (maintenance COBOL programming for USAF inventory systems); I realized I was using Fedspeak, ITspeak, and Bizspeak.

---------------------------------
I knew the future looked bleak when management engaged a contractor to write a mission statement.

 

[bbbamI]

Never worked at MegaCorp eh?

Yeah, imagine putting up with 300,000 Ralphs.

 

[FinanceDude]

Heh, try all of this in a large consulting firm. Since we were in the business of telling clients how to completely reorganize their operations, we were constantly doing this to ourselves. This was called "eating your own dogfood" internally. One of the internal databases contained a lenghthy list of "TLAs" - Three Letter Acronyms. Otherwise newcomers would have no idea what the more seasoned people were talking about.

What about snafu and fubar??

 

[brewer12345]

What about snafu and fubar??

Amateur stuff.

 

[Martha]

i'm aware that many service animals help the blind but i didn't know they can read.

That is why they included a picture of the dog.

 

[Westernskies]

SORRY, but I Gotta agree with Megacorp on the fonts issue. it gets pretty confusing when everyone is using a diffferent font in correspondance, manuals, press releases, etc.
It's about presenting a consistent corporate image , not stifling CREATIVITY....

 

[Walt34]

Happy hour is at 5:30 pm. You will be there, and you will be HAPPY.

Along the lines of "The Floggings Will Continue Until Morale Improves"

 

[Nords]

Sounds like government. Every unit had to write a "mission statement". Hey, it's a police department! The mission is to lock up bad guys! Why is that so hard to understand?

You guys feel bad about Total Quality Management, we had to call it Total Quality Leadership. Of course there were a number of other TLAs that were created for it.

I thought we were in the business of killing people and breaking things, but then it dawned on me that we were really projecting power from the sea. And then luckily the CNO gave us a "top five" priority list to memorize, so I felt a lot better... and I could get started on his recommended reading list.

Are there recommended reading lists for civilian careers?

 

[Westernskies]

This was called "eating your own dogfood" internally.

We called it "drinking your own bathwater"

 

[RunningBum]

Are there recommended reading lists for civilian careers?

Oh, you bet. A few years ago "Who Moved My Cheese" copies could be seen on about every manager's bookshelf, because the CEO liked it. Sometime before or after there was talk about whether we were "inside the tornado" or something like that from another book.

There were always two ways to know when the latest all-managers meeting was:

1) a brief period of rampant productivity among the staff

2) followed by a month or so where every manager in every meeting spouted the same buzz phrases

 

[Cattusbabe]

After reading this thread. Oh boy I'm glad I FIREed..

 

[CCdaCE]

Oh, you bet. A few years ago "Who Moved My Cheese" copies could be seen on about every manager's bookshelf, because the CEO liked it. Sometime before or after there was talk about whether we were "inside the tornado" or something like that from another book.

There were always two ways to know when the latest all-managers meeting was:

1) a brief period of rampant productivity among the staff

2) followed by a month or so where every manager in every meeting spouted the same buzz phrases

Time to print off some more "bullshit bingo" cards.

-CC

 

[Linney]

Oh, you bet. A few years ago "Who Moved My Cheese" copies could be seen on about every manager's bookshelf, because the CEO liked it. Sometime before or after there was talk about whether we were "inside the tornado" or something like that from another book.

"Crossing the Chasm" and "Inside the Tornado: Strategies for Developing, Leveraging, and Surviving Hypergrowth Markets" by Geoffrey Moore. They were all the rage at our MegaCorp years ago and have made a surprise reappearance this year with the release of his new work on the 4-Quadrant Model for product development analyzing core versus context and mission critical versus non-mission critical. Please pray for me - I am trying very hard not to sigh every time I hear the buzzwords.

--Linney

 

[UncleHoney]

A book worth reading to survive the murder and mayhem of corporate life.

Bob Sutton: Orbiting the Giant Hairball: Still the Best Book on Corporate Creativity

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

That is why they included a picture of the dog.

which you would think redundant, because, as everyone knows, service animals understand braille.

 

[bbbamI]

That is why they included a picture of the dog.

Scratch and sniff, perhaps?

 

[al_bundy]

1) I am in charge of the IT side of our business. We had a computer shut down one day (our mail server) where email was not available for about 2 hours. About 20 minutes after we found that the email was not working, we got a call from "Ralph". He wanted to know the situation. It was explained to him that it appeared to be a very minor issue, and would be resolved shortly. After we were advised that any downtime is unacceptable, he said that we needed to do a "root cause analysis". The meetings that followed far outlived the supposed crisis.

quote]

where i work any IT downtime, even 5 minutes has to be explained to the CTO

if "Ralph" wants five 9's uptime you should present him with a plan and estimated costs. Or at the very minimum write down something like an SLA that includes estimated downtimes for different problems. and if he wants something faster, he has to write a check.

ask your boss what he expects, tell him what you are capable of providing and make a plan to change if need be

 

[al_bundy]

This "grading on a curve stuff" is crap and I think it's detrimental to developing a teamwork mindset.

If a team has 80% performing at acceptable or better and 20% not cutting it, after cutting the 20% deadwood -- does that mean the remaining group -- now 100% of a downsized team -- is performing acceptably? Nope -- you can't have 100% performing acceptably, even if no one's productivity dropped below the previously "acceptable" level.

Instead, we have to redefine acceptable performance such that 20% of the people who used to perform acceptably are now unacceptable even though their work didn't deteriorate. It's a load of hooey and damaging to morale. And it can make employees feel like they are competing for each other in terms of their "ranking" instead of helping each other toward a common objective.

blame GE for that one, although i don't think they applied to everyone

 

[brewer12345]

Are there recommended reading lists for civilian careers?

Sort of. At least in the places I [-]wasted time[/-] worked, teh reading list was never handed out. You sort of had to guess what it was, based on conversation, what was on someone's desk, buzzwords flying around, etc. Since I never gave a rat's patoot about all that stuff and generally had much bigger, denser textbooks to read, I sort of missed all that.

One exception was seeing a manager of an adjacent group pretty much forced his team to read and report on "The Tipping Point." I am damned glad I left that employer shortly after he became my boss' boss.

 

[BunsGettingFirm]

Ah, you have just described the number 1 down side of working for a smaller outfit -- the FOB (friend of the boss). My direct manager is like that. He hasn't shown up at work for 4 months. The 1/2 day he came in, he made one guy interview for his job and asked me why I took 4 off to study for a professional exam. Because he's loafing on company dime, he assumed that everyone else must have as little integrity as he does. After I told him that I used my vacation time for those 4 days "off", he back tracked and came up with some crap about cultural fit. He's the problem. He's trying to take his tyrannical investment banking style into a technology environment and wonders why nobody put up with his idiocy.

Considering retirement in the very near future, I thought I'd share a few of the things I've heard and seen over the last couple of years that just drive me crazy - all at work, except for the last.

I work for a small environmental consulting firm - with 20 or so employees. We have a VP who's job description appears to be to make us as much like big government as possible. (Just as a sidenote, "Ralph" is one of those guys who does very little real work, but is always buddying up to the brass and making sure they know the improvements he's bringing to the company). Here is a list of 5 events that make the exit option seem like the most reasonable:

1) I am in charge of the IT side of our business. We had a computer shut down one day (our mail server) where email was not available for about 2 hours. About 20 minutes after we found that the email was not working, we got a call from "Ralph". He wanted to know the situation. It was explained to him that it appeared to be a very minor issue, and would be resolved shortly. After we were advised that any downtime is unacceptable, he said that we needed to do a "root cause analysis". The meetings that followed far outlived the supposed crisis.

2) One day, during a staff meeting, we were presented with the new business plan. Right near the top, one statement became obvious: "We are going to become the Coca-Cola of the environmental consulting business". A company of 20 employees?

3) We were advised that the company was going to settle on a formal, official font policy. Thats right, if you use Times New Roman, you are directly violating company policy...

4) During a staff meeting, we got the following the question: "If you have 2 horses that can pull 9000 pounds, how many pounds can 4 horses pull?" Well, we're all scratching our heads, and being engineers and such, figure maybe its 18000 pounds? Nope... "30,000 pounds, because the horses are using synergy"...

5) Lastly, I took my nephew (about to enter college) to my old alma matter - Metro State here in Denver. I guess it wasn't surprising to see that its not just Harvard and Berkely suffering political correctness. As we were walking across the campus, we ran across a sign that read "Service animal rest station". I had no idea what that meant, until I saw a picture below the sign of a dog on a leash. Then I noticed the plastic bag dispenser above. It was then that I burst out laughing. Maybe it should have read "dog crap area"?

What the hell?

 

[BunsGettingFirm]

Thanks for my laugh of the day.
(Sorry it's at your expense, though..)

I was going to say 18,000 lbs as well, but then I realized that the horses may have urinated just minutes before the pull, so they could easily have pulled 18,020 lbs.

 

[myself]

Considering retirement in the very near future, I thought I'd share a few of the things I've heard and seen over the last couple of years that just drive me crazy - all at work, except for the last.

I work for a small environmental consulting firm - with 20 or so employees. We have a VP who's job description appears to be to make us as much like big government as possible. (Just as a sidenote, "Ralph" is one of those guys who does very little real work, but is always buddying up to the brass and making sure they know the improvements he's bringing to the company). Here is a list of 5 events that make the exit option seem like the most reasonable:

1) I am in charge of the IT side of our business. We had a computer shut down one day (our mail server) where email was not available for about 2 hours. About 20 minutes after we found that the email was not working, we got a call from "Ralph". He wanted to know the situation. It was explained to him that it appeared to be a very minor issue, and would be resolved shortly. After we were advised that any downtime is unacceptable, he said that we needed to do a "root cause analysis". The meetings that followed far outlived the supposed crisis.

2) One day, during a staff meeting, we were presented with the new business plan. Right near the top, one statement became obvious: "We are going to become the Coca-Cola of the environmental consulting business". A company of 20 employees?

3) We were advised that the company was going to settle on a formal, official font policy. Thats right, if you use Times New Roman, you are directly violating company policy...

4) During a staff meeting, we got the following the question: "If you have 2 horses that can pull 9000 pounds, how many pounds can 4 horses pull?" Well, we're all scratching our heads, and being engineers and such, figure maybe its 18000 pounds? Nope... "30,000 pounds, because the horses are using synergy"...

5) Lastly, I took my nephew (about to enter college) to my old alma matter - Metro State here in Denver. I guess it wasn't surprising to see that its not just Harvard and Berkely suffering political correctness. As we were walking across the campus, we ran across a sign that read "Service animal rest station". I had no idea what that meant, until I saw a picture below the sign of a dog on a leash. Then I noticed the plastic bag dispenser above. It was then that I burst out laughing. Maybe it should have read "dog crap area"?

What the hell?

1. Meetings are necessary so that middle-management is able to report to upper management. They can (but don't always) serve to provide a means to layout the future strategy to have longer uptime to the point where 100% uptime is possible.
2. Weren't Google/Yahoo/Microsoft/etc. all started by less than 20 people in the company?
3. Official font policy should not impact intra-office communication. Only a company's outside presence.
4. Kind of like the same idea of lifting a dumbell with one arm but being able to lift more than twice the amount when using 2 arms?
5. Now that's hilarious!

 

[CuppaJoe]

Sort of. At least in the places I [-]wasted time[/-] worked, teh reading list was never handed out. You sort of had to guess what it was, based on conversation, what was on someone's desk, buzzwords flying around, etc....

I found multiple copies of "California Contract Law" lying around the office to be extremely useful.

You guys seem so much more fun now that I've given notice. I can only assume it will get better.

 

[NW-Bound]

In the late 80's, company A instituted a program called TQMS, short for Total Quality Management Systems. To alleviate the pain and suffering, its employees called it Time to Quit and Move to Seattle, where its competitor company B is located.

Well, they got their wish. Company B took over Company A. They didn't have to come to Company B, Company B came for them. The employees probably were issued a dictionary of all new acronyms from their new boss. Talk about getting caught between a rock and a hard place.

PS. Just thought of googling it. Yep, this story is out there in cyberspace.