I know many of you have been through this and today it happened to me.
I got the call this morning that my Mom had died. She was 83. My Dad and Mom were at the table having breakfast, she stopped eating, coughed twice and slumped over. My Dad tried to help her sit up but had to lay her down on the floor. He got the food out of her mouth and tried to help her and then called 911. They got there quickly and even though they tried to revive her, he knew she was gone. He doesn't think she was choking. I think she was just done living.
He called me from the emergency room. I got there as soon as I could and the first thing he said was that this takes care of a huge problem for him. He's very practical.
They had been married for 61 years. My mother had lifelong depression, treated many different ways over the decades and since 1998 (age 70) she had been treated with ECT (electroconvulsive therapy). It did prevent the depression from creeping back in but it left her quite changed. On top of just being elderly, she was just not the same person. She had some qualities like an autistic person.
My Dad was totally devoted to her their entire marriage and it was a good one despite her circumstances.
So today my sister and I planned the funeral. My Dad didn't want to be there, he wanted us to handle it. They are Jewish so it's done as soon as possible, so it's on Wednesday. My Dad would like to clear out my Mom's clothes and things but we told him he doesn't need to rush, we will help him when he's ready. He very much wants to move past the funeral and get on with his life. The last few years his focus was on taking care of her and it was exhausting him. She wasn't ill or bedridden, she just needed constant attention and he could not leave her alone.
I knew this was coming but had no clue that it was going to be TODAY. I had thought about how it might happen and what we would need to do. He's relieved that it's over and I know that the rest of the emotions will come later. I'm glad she didn't suffer a long hospitalization or painful end.
Dying quickly and suddenly in your own home sounds like a decent way to go.
As for the finances, he's in good shape. She had nothing in her own name alone, all their assets were jointly held with right of survivorship. Their wills are current and she leaves everything to him. He's handled everything up until now with an accountant that he likes. He'll lose her SS income (based on his earnings) but he's in fine shape financially. He owns their condo and a car. No debt outside of current medical bills. They purchased burial plots a few years ago. He says he has a POA set up for me if something happens to him. We will go over this again.
My sister is active in her temple and since we are 56 and 59 she has many friends and fellow temple members who have been through losing a parent. She made 3 phone calls and a gang of people all coordinated all kinds of support systems to help our family through the next few days. Someone offered to be at the house to accept food trays and set up while we are at the funeral. Someone else will make sure that there are enough people for a minyan (a quorum of 10 Jewish adults) and other details we didn't know we needed. They've been through it and she's been their support. Very nice in a time of need. It takes a village.....
I got the call this morning that my Mom had died. She was 83. My Dad and Mom were at the table having breakfast, she stopped eating, coughed twice and slumped over. My Dad tried to help her sit up but had to lay her down on the floor. He got the food out of her mouth and tried to help her and then called 911. They got there quickly and even though they tried to revive her, he knew she was gone. He doesn't think she was choking. I think she was just done living.
He called me from the emergency room. I got there as soon as I could and the first thing he said was that this takes care of a huge problem for him. He's very practical.
They had been married for 61 years. My mother had lifelong depression, treated many different ways over the decades and since 1998 (age 70) she had been treated with ECT (electroconvulsive therapy). It did prevent the depression from creeping back in but it left her quite changed. On top of just being elderly, she was just not the same person. She had some qualities like an autistic person.
My Dad was totally devoted to her their entire marriage and it was a good one despite her circumstances.
So today my sister and I planned the funeral. My Dad didn't want to be there, he wanted us to handle it. They are Jewish so it's done as soon as possible, so it's on Wednesday. My Dad would like to clear out my Mom's clothes and things but we told him he doesn't need to rush, we will help him when he's ready. He very much wants to move past the funeral and get on with his life. The last few years his focus was on taking care of her and it was exhausting him. She wasn't ill or bedridden, she just needed constant attention and he could not leave her alone.
I knew this was coming but had no clue that it was going to be TODAY. I had thought about how it might happen and what we would need to do. He's relieved that it's over and I know that the rest of the emotions will come later. I'm glad she didn't suffer a long hospitalization or painful end.
Dying quickly and suddenly in your own home sounds like a decent way to go.
As for the finances, he's in good shape. She had nothing in her own name alone, all their assets were jointly held with right of survivorship. Their wills are current and she leaves everything to him. He's handled everything up until now with an accountant that he likes. He'll lose her SS income (based on his earnings) but he's in fine shape financially. He owns their condo and a car. No debt outside of current medical bills. They purchased burial plots a few years ago. He says he has a POA set up for me if something happens to him. We will go over this again.
My sister is active in her temple and since we are 56 and 59 she has many friends and fellow temple members who have been through losing a parent. She made 3 phone calls and a gang of people all coordinated all kinds of support systems to help our family through the next few days. Someone offered to be at the house to accept food trays and set up while we are at the funeral. Someone else will make sure that there are enough people for a minyan (a quorum of 10 Jewish adults) and other details we didn't know we needed. They've been through it and she's been their support. Very nice in a time of need. It takes a village.....
