Coupling up again in retirement

[harllee]

Dang...I guess I’d better put my tennis racquet away and drag my bag of golf clubs out of storage. Bummer. Tennis is so much more fun to me

And I didn’t exactly reel the guys in when I did play golf. I think some people just may not be destined to end up with a life partner.

I would think you could also meet eligible people on the tennis court. Tennis, golf, dancing and those type activities are all social activities. Of course right now it would be very hard to meet anyone due to the virus. Don't give up poopycat!

 

[youbet]

I know a number of women who having been married for many decades who do not want the be hitched to any man at this point. Often they spent years taking care of man who was slowly declining in health. Sometimes the guy was just irresponsible. Sometimes they already have two or more divorces in their life and don't want to risk the stress of a third. Some just had a loveless marriage but were scared of divorce. One lady I dated for a short time was in that position. As, she put it , "Unlike divorce I got to keep it all. Why put what I waited so long for at risk?" I had to agree with her.

There ya go. Both woman and men can find happiness outside of re-marriage and prefer to keep it that way. In fact, I'm guessing that women figured it out first. But men who lose a wife seem to be catching on too.

 

[harllee]

M mother age 89 (a three time widow) is very popular with the single men in her Continuing Care Retirement Community. Pre Covid she was always being asked to go out to dinner, parties, etc. I commented on this one time and she told me the reason she was so popular was that she still had a car and could drive. Most of the old men in her CCRC were no longer able to drive.

 

[Dtail]

Dang...I guess I’d better put my tennis racquet away and drag my bag of golf clubs out of storage. Bummer. Tennis is so much more fun to me

And I didn’t exactly reel the guys in when I did play golf. I think some people just may not be destined to end up with a life partner.

Many older men now play Pickleball. If you come from tennis, it is fairly easy to transition into it.

 

[6miths]

Dang...I guess I’d better put my tennis racquet away and drag my bag of golf clubs out of storage. Bummer. Tennis is so much more fun to me

And I didn’t exactly reel the guys in when I did play golf. I think some people just may not be destined to end up with a life partner.

I would have thought that tennis was a better bet given the density of players and the fact that 'mixed doubles' is actually a thing. My local tennis club has all kind of mixers where one just signs up and rotates through with different players. Most resorts I have been to have the same. Golf doesn't lend itself to this as well. Golf always seemed to me that it was more about the boys club and a relatively exclusive one at that. I'd stick with tennis. Keeps you in better shape to boot.

 

[Idnar7]

My dad got married at 80 to his best friend's wife. Her husband died years ago. We all knew the family. He had said he would never get married again, but he did. They were happy and travelled which my mom didn't care for. While I was never to invested in their marriage, I think it kept my dad alive and happy another five years, and for that I am thankful.

 

[FlaGator]

Well said. The fly in the ointment, as I see it, is that what prompts two people to stick with each other long enough to "see the real person," as you put it (and it does take time; I was still finding out things about my husband at the 20-year mark) is the desire to form a family, usually involving children. Age eliminates that, for the most part.

So then it becomes a matter of, "Why would anyone want to stick with someone so long that they get to know them deeply"? What do Old men and women have to offer one another, and how picky are they at the outset?

It's not cynicism to decry the "nurse and purse" trope, or the "companionship/someone to go places with" onr. It's simply that Old men and women are not looking to mate and raise families. So, other than companionship, what could prompt them to commit the time and energy to form as strong a bond as in earlier years? In many if not most instances, it's going to be fear - of loss of status as a couple, loss of health, loss of income. Those are just facts.

Or maybe they are people who want someone of the opposite sex as an important part of their life.

I was widowed nearly 7 years ago with 2 pre-teen kids, after being married for 30 years. Since then, I've done both of "find another life partner" (too soon the first time) and the "find someone for companionship and fun".

Married in my early 20's and built a life with late DW. What I learned from those, and other dating experiences after she passed, is to take the time to really understand what was good, what wasn't, and my shortcomings in my lifetime of relationships. That led me to what is really important for my emotional health.

What became clear is that I am far better off in a committed relationship than a "companionship" one. Companionship was really easy, but left an emotional void. I often felt taken advantage of-paid for lots of dinners, time away from my kids, and money spent in the interest of "having a companion".

Decided to do the work to find someone I was willing to go to bat for again-be willing to care for in the final stage of life. Anything else felt insufficient-to me.

Late DW and I used to talk about shuffling around Disney World as an old couple when we were there with the young kids. Maybe it's just completing a plan that got blown up, but I still want to do that.

Glad I found the lady I'm willing to push around WDW

 

[Koolau]

The comic Alan King did a funny bit about this. If you have not seen it and perhaps especially if you have, enjoy.

https://youtu.be/PypsMk_0QxY

Thanks! After all the relatively bad Covid news, I needed this! Aloha

 

[athena53]

Well said. The fly in the ointment, as I see it, is that what prompts two people to stick with each other long enough to "see the real person," as you put it (and it does take time; I was still finding out things about my husband at the 20-year mark) is the desire to form a family, usually involving children. Age eliminates that, for the most part.

<snip> In many if not most instances, it's going to be fear - of loss of status as a couple, loss of health, loss of income. Those are just facts.

Not necessarily. I was divorced in 1997, disastrous first marriage, met second DH in a bible study class. We dated for 7 years and married when I was 50 and he was 65. We'd see someone's kids having a meltdown in the grocery store and I'd joke, "what a shame it is we'll never have a baby together". We both had kids from previous marriages. No financial necessity, either. DH benefited significantly from marrying me but we'd lived in separate houses till we married and he stood on his own two feet financially- I wouldn't have had it any other way. He died 4 years ago yesterday. He was a wonderful influence on my son (who needed it) and the best of travel companions. I finally got the decent man I deserved late in life.

 

[Music Lover]

It's not cynicism to decry the "nurse and purse" trope, or the "companionship/someone to go places with" onr. It's simply that Old men and women are not looking to mate and raise families. So, other than companionship, what could prompt them to commit the time and energy to form as strong a bond as in earlier years? In many if not most instances, it's going to be fear - of loss of status as a couple, loss of health, loss of income. Those are just facts.

I'm 58 and met my GF 3 years ago. I had already been retired for 2 years. We both wanted a long term committed relationship and we were both willing to put in the time and effort to develop one. I suppose since we'll never have kids you could call it just "companionship", but that suggests that we can't be in love like young people looking to raise a family and we're only together because of fear.

Maybe a lot of people think like you do. I wouldn't know but I find it terribly sad.

 

[Nemo2]

We both wanted a long term committed relationship and we were both willing to put in the time and effort to develop one. I suppose since we'll never have kids you could call it just "companionship", but that suggests that we can't be in love like young people looking to raise a family and we're only together because of fear.

DW & I have 'basically' been together for 17 years.....no effort, it just 'is'. We don't like to be apart; we like to travel but we're just as happy 'hanging out' together.

Maybe a lot of people think like you do. I wouldn't know but I find it terribly sad.

Agreed. I wouldn't relish being in that situation.

 

[ivinsfan]

I'm 58 and met my GF 3 years ago. I had already been retired for 2 years. We both wanted a long term committed relationship and we were both willing to put in the time and effort to develop one. I suppose since we'll never have kids you could call it just "companionship", but that suggests that we can't be in love like young people looking to raise a family and we're only together because of fear.

Maybe a lot of people think like you do. I wouldn't know but I find it terribly sad.

I had a wonderful GF cruelly dumped by her husband of well over 30 years. It was brutal. It was over 5 years before she even thought about finding a companion. She would have been in her later 50's. She found a wonderful guy caring, great travel companion, good physical relationship. He began to use the love word. We had several talks about the fact that she didn't know if she loved him. She liked everything about him and enjoyed being with him, she couldn't define it as love. Her question was does love "feel" the same at 20 and at almost 60?

Probably not, but that's neither bad nor good, it just is. I asked why do you need to label it if it is good for both of you? They went on to enjoy a long relationship that ended when he wanted to marry and she did not. Remarriage was a no go for her as she wouldn't risk her financial freedom in her 60's. He still had the idea that "true love" meant marriage.

 

[Amethyst]

I don't like it much, myself. But anecdata is just that. And 58 isn't 68.

I'm 58 and met my GF 3 years ago. I had already been retired for 2 years. We both wanted a long term committed relationship and we were both willing to put in the time and effort to develop one. I suppose since we'll never have kids you could call it just "companionship", but that suggests that we can't be in love like young people looking to raise a family and we're only together because of fear.

Maybe a lot of people think like you do. I wouldn't know but I find it terribly sad.

 

[Vacation4us]

I had a wonderful GF cruelly dumped by her husband of well over 30 years. It was brutal. It was over 5 years before she even thought about finding a companion. She would have been in her later 50's. She found a wonderful guy caring, great travel companion, good physical relationship. He began to use the love word. We had several talks about the fact that she didn't know if she loved him. She liked everything about him and enjoyed being with him, she couldn't define it as love. Her question was does love "feel" the same at 20 and at almost 60?

Probably not, but that's neither bad nor good, it just is. I asked why do you need to label it if it is good for both of you? They went on to enjoy a long relationship that ended when he wanted to marry and she did not. Remarriage was a no go for her as she wouldn't risk her financial freedom in her 60's. He still had the idea that "true love" meant marriage.

Sad. She could have gotten a pre-nup.

I remarried at 51. I am DH third wife he is my second. I tell DH his 1 st 2 ex’s must have been nuts. He treats me like a treasured gift and far better than my ex. I love and adore him and he feels the same.

I was with DH number 1 for 25 years. I was a slow learner I guess. If something should happen to DH #2 I doubt I would have another relationship however I didn’t anticipate getting remarried at 51 so who knows.

PS We do have a prenup. Neither of us is broke but we viewed it as protecting our children from our previous marriages.

3 years in married life is good, just retired now if Covid would be done we could all move on.

 

[irishgal]

I heard once that “the only reason a man would be interested in a woman over 45 is if she had money, because by then women are way past their prime”. Stuck with me, so after my divorce when I was that age I never even considered dating again. It was sort of like turning off a light switch.

Yep I’m going to be a spinster lol!

 

[Music Lover]

I heard once that “the only reason a man would be interested in a woman over 45 is if she had money, because by then women are way past their prime”. Stuck with me, so after my divorce when I was that age I never even considered dating again. It was sort of like turning off a light switch.

Yep I’m going to be a spinster lol!

You heard wrong. Don't let that comment ruin the rest of your life.

 

[irishgal]

You heard wrong. Don't let that comment ruin the rest of your life.

It may have been wrong.
I don’t feel that my life is ruined though. Just a bit solitary.

 

[FlaGator]

I heard once that “the only reason a man would be interested in a woman over 45 is if she had money, because by then women are way past their prime”. Stuck with me, so after my divorce when I was that age I never even considered dating again. It was sort of like turning off a light switch.

Yep I’m going to be a spinster lol!

You heard wrong. Don't let that comment ruin the rest of your life.

+1. ignore that advice.

I was back "in the market" at 55. I have found dating, relationships, and ultimately a marriage to be more straightforward now than in my youth. No concerns about building a life, a career and a marriage simultaneously. Can just focus on the person and determine if you want to spend time with them.

Keep an open mind.

 

[Music Lover]

+1. ignore that advice.

I was back "in the market" at 55. I have found dating, relationships, and ultimately a marriage to be more straightforward now than in my youth. No concerns about building a life, a career and a marriage simultaneously. Can just focus on the person and determine if you want to spend time with them.

Keep an open mind.

Yup. I met my GF when I was 2 years retired at age 56. She was 52 and had just retired. Her kid was 18 and becoming independent. We could focus most of our attention on our relationship because we didn't have to build a career, raise kids, or worry about buying a house.

 

[Amethyst]

Of course not necessarily. I try not to make complete "blanket" generalizations, being myself an exception to many.

For an anecdote, I have an older relative, who got married for the fourth time at 74, to a lady who was 70. They are very happy, although she certainly took on the nurse role, as he's in and out of hospitals with cardiac issues. He was very open with her about that, and she wanted him anyway. He does have more money, but she couldn't have known that when she asked him out the first time

Not necessarily. I was divorced in 1997, disastrous first marriage, met second DH in a bible study class. We dated for 7 years and married when I was 50 and he was 65. We'd see someone's kids having a meltdown in the grocery store and I'd joke, "what a shame it is we'll never have a baby together". We both had kids from previous marriages. No financial necessity, either. DH benefited significantly from marrying me but we'd lived in separate houses till we married and he stood on his own two feet financially- I wouldn't have had it any other way. He died 4 years ago yesterday. He was a wonderful influence on my son (who needed it) and the best of travel companions. I finally got the decent man I deserved late in life.

 

[Amethyst]

Usually the age mentioned in such comments is 50, as that is the common age of menopause - when all women instantly fall to pieces emotionally, gain weight, and lose interest in sex. /sarc

I heard once that “the only reason a man would be interested in a woman over 45 is if she had money, because by then women are way past their prime”. Stuck with me, so after my divorce when I was that age I never even considered dating again. It was sort of like turning off a light switch.

Yep I’m going to be a spinster lol!

 

[mystang52]

My Mom died young (48); Dad was 51 at the time. He definitely did not have any financial assets. He was somewhat old-school, and the type needing someone to care for him in many ways. He was dating after about 6 months. Dad was very prim and proper, and he used euphemisms as to how sad it was that there were so many lonely women looking for companionship.
He remarried - happily - 3 years later. He had a government pension, my step-mother was not wealthy but financially stable. So, based on that I suspect OP will have no difficulty finding a mate, be it marriage or otherwise, after he has healed.
Then there's the comedian's joke about older men: "he drives at night."

 

[Time2]

That was in the 1980s and 1990s. To bring this topic more up to date. I have seen two of my neighbors become divorced men [both are subsistence farmers], then women start showing up with casseroles and baked goods.

Advice my friend gave a recent widower,

"Don't fall for the first good caserole that comes through the door"

 

[ER Eddie]

As people get older, they get less interested in dating and coupling up. That tends to be more true of women than men. For example:

Three-quarters of [single] people 65 and older are completely uninterested in a romantic relationship or dating. For the 50- to 64-year-olds, the percentage is the same as for the sample as a whole—half are uninterested.

More women than men have no interest in romantic relationships or dating. The difference becomes even greater at older ages. At ages 40 and above, more than 7 in 10 women (71 percent) are completely uninterested in dating or romantic relationships, compared to 42 percent of men.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...f-all-singles-don-t-want-relationship-or-date


Personally, I've got no interest in coupling up at this stage of my life. I see too many upsides to being single/unattached, too many disadvantages to coupling up, I lack the motivation to pursue, and I have a lot of other things I'd rather be doing.

To each his own, of course.

 

[Dawg52]

It may have been wrong.
I don’t feel that my life is ruined though. Just a bit solitary.

Hey....can I buy you a cup of coffee? My portfolio could use a boost. Ha

I never married and certainly wouldn't consider it now. But if I stumbled upon someone that wanted a 'buddy' relationship that would be fine. Ocassional dinner and movie would be good. But until cv19 vaccines are in place.....I'll remain solo. Which I'm fine with anyway.