Coupling up again in retirement

[Letj]

Yeah, for me, the motivation just isn't there. Part of that is biology: my hormonal push is down, as is their sexual attractiveness. Both of those have to be there, to motivate the work involved in searching, pursuing, getting, and maintaining a relationship. I still occasionally feel a little of that old romantic-sexual pull with women who are much younger. But I'm not going to chase them -- it's too much work, the transactional nature of the relationship is too obvious, and it's embarrassing.

Anyhow, the romantic-sexual pull just isn't there anymore, with women in my age range. I feel friendly towards them -- I've always liked women as people, and I have plenty of friendly female relationships -- but the romantic-sexual pull just doesn't happen anymore. I assume women feel the same about me, and that's fine. It's actually a relief to have that off the table.

Get some viagra and testosterone replacement. That will solve that problem real fast[emoji23]

 

[ER Eddie]

Get some viagra and testosterone replacement. That will solve that problem real fast[emoji23]

Nah, I'm good.

 

[Dtail]

My DGF and I have been together for 10 years starting at 49 and 50 respectively.
If I was alone, I would not even seriously consider dating a much younger woman, as the risk/reward ratio doesn't cut it for me. lol

ER Eddie, I believe one can find love again at 60 and older and also find sexual attraction in this age group.

 

[Kroeran]

From observations--Women who can play golf seem to meet a lot more eligible men. On the other hand, men who can dance (even a little) seem to meet more eligible women. YMMV

Lesson from my twenties, <hunt where the prey feeds> ; - )

 

[indiajust]

There are more men than women at the younger end, I think birth bias is 52-48 for women. But men die much faster. By the time you break 50 or so things have shifted the other way and just accelerate. I have found that reasonably healthy successful and available men are rather pleasantly rare. I've gone from deep in the bench to starting left wing!

 

[imnontrad]

Still looking.
I divorced my husband after almost 24 years. Yes, it was very justifiable and I should have done it at least 22 years earlier but I just kept trying.
However, of the single men I have met fall in several "categories": 1) widowed and only looking for someone who was also widowed, 2) divorced and for good reason 3) have absolutely no desire to get married again, or 4) looking for someone to support/take care of them (aka a nurse or a purse), 5) are gay.
I keep hoping there is a "6)" category of someone looking for an equal partner. Especially looking for someone who is also financially independent, in decent health and active.

 

[teej1985]

Gotcha.
I bet even dating is not a easy thing to do at any age past 60 regardless of ones assets or past.

Dating is not easy at any age! I'm 35 and it's always been a challenge.

 

[aja8888]

Still looking.
I divorced my husband after almost 24 years. Yes, it was very justifiable and I should have done it at least 22 years earlier but I just kept trying.
However, of the single men I have met fall in several "categories": 1) widowed and only looking for someone who was also widowed, 2) divorced and for good reason 3) have absolutely no desire to get married again, or 4) looking for someone to support/take care of them (aka a nurse or a purse), 5) are gay.
I keep hoping there is a "6)" category of someone looking for an equal partner. Especially looking for someone who is also financially independent, in decent health and active.

Cat 6 is out there, but they don't last long in the wild.

 

[SMCOLTON]

Female

I got divorced earlier this year unexpectedly, several years into retirement. I seriously thought the nearly two-decade marriage was rock-solid and would last until the end of our lives. Curious as to how many here coupled up again in retirement after the age of 60. I find it hard to imagine.

I am a 58 year old widowed female. Already retired. It is hard to find someone in my age group who is in the same financial situation.

 

[Nemo2]

I am a 58 year old widowed female. Already retired. It is hard to find someone in my age group who is in the same financial situation.

DW was still working when I met her:

https://www.early-retirement.org/forums/f28/younger-spouse-58723.html

Post #16 from ~9 years ago.

 

[BoodaGazelle]

Just celebrated our 38th year with Orig DW. But a friend's wife died of cancer a couple of years ago. He would be considered a pretty good catch I imagine, as he is about 73, retired CG, very fit and active (hunting, fishing). We just met his new GF last summer. She does not seem the type to be attracted to the hunting part (e.g.). Supposedly she is financially independent, but doesn't own the house she stays in. It kind-of made us wonder on both sides... how well did he vet her? (he says he did), and does she really want all of the manly-man stuff?


OTOH, we always say: "Whatever works for you two is all that matters". But DW and I both think out loud that we are pretty glad to not be in a single status at our ages (64/63).

 

[socca]

I'm happily married but have very close friends (both male and female) that are in their late 50's and still single and have substantial assets. My advice to them has always been to run background checks on any potential partner before making serious commitments.

For me, a "serious commitment" is meeting somewhere for tea or coffee (think of all of the other stuff I could be doing instead! ). Fortunately, I live in an area with excellent online public records, so it's easy to do an internet-based background search on any candidate SO. A wealth of information is only a few mouse-clicks away!

BTW, I don't date. I just expect the ideal woman to appear magically on my doorstep without any effort on my part. Y'all can imagine how well that's working out.

 

[CRLLS]

Eventually she'll be too old, ugly, and unappealing to him and will be punted to the curb. But he'll be older and less appealing as well even if he doesn't know it....and there's nothing more pathetic than an aging "player" chasing younger women.

Nature has an answer for that. As we age, our eyesight declines.

DW has said If I die first, she will never remarry. She won't have enough time to train a new husband.

While I'm neither in the market nor even considering it, if she dies first, I might entertain some companionship whether it be occasional, or more legally binding.

 

[Focus]

DW has said If I die first, she will never remarry. She won't have enough time to train a new husband.

That's part of the issue, isn't it? Once you're past 60, who wants to go back to square one with a new person? Getting to know someone deeply takes a good number of years.

 

[Chuckanut]

That's part of the issue, isn't it? Once you're past 60, who wants to go back to square one with a new person? Getting to know someone deeply takes a good number of years.

What choice is there if you want to be with someone?

Like my old grandpappy used to say, "The best time to plant a tree was 30 years ago, the next best time is today."

 

[Chuckanut]

Get some viagra and testosterone replacement. That will solve that problem real fast[emoji23]

My old grandpappy used to say, "Don't waste time with roots, herbs and tonics. The best aphrodisiac is a good woman."

 

[RunningBum]

OTOH, we always say: "Whatever works for you two is all that matters".

Stay with that. Besides, you really don't know. My GF is 13 years younger, is owner/operator of her own business plus has a part time job, mostly for medical. We were at a small back deck get together this summer when she was talking about not being able to work because of COVID. She overheard one of my friends mutter "so that's why she's dating RunningBum." Uh, no, for one thing we started before COVID.

We do have money disagreements. I think she picks up too many dinner tabs, plus we have more meals at her house with her groceries. She thinks she doesn't.

She also told me she never plans to retire, at least not from her business, which she loves. I said that's fine, as long as she takes time for vacations. No worries really, she probably travels more than me (pre-COVID). She also said she doesn't want to get married again, but if we do she's all for a prenup, and keeping finances separate.

 

[Focus]

What choice is there if you want to be with someone?

Like my old grandpappy used to say, "The best time to plant a tree was 30 years ago, the next best time is today."

True enough...if you want to be with someone. I used to never question the idea that I wanted to be in a relationship, but I do now. My mindset at this life stage is quite different -- at this distance from my divorce anyway.

 

[Hermit]

Still married after 42 years, but if something happened to DW I can't imagine ever hooking up with another woman. I know many people don't feel the same, and I guess you never know what will come over time. But I suspect if left on my own I would become somewhat hermit-like. I'd have DD and the grandkids, but I suspect that would be more than enough company for me. Hopefully I'll never have to find out if I'm right.

I did find out more than 11 years ago now. Nothing all that wrong with being a Hermit as long as you have friends and family to see on occation. The first 6 or 7 years after I lost DW I had no interest in another relationship. There have been a few women who showed interest, but none that I found that interesting for more than a casual friendship. I am over 70 now. I don't see a change in my future. What does seem a little weird is my attraction to these kind of threads.

 

[UKadventurer]

I wasn’t in my 60’s when I divorced my 1st wife after a 20 year marriage. I was only 43 but I found it easier to meet women than before I was married. Enjoying dance and being decent at it was quite significant. Also, my confidence was much higher at 43 than at 23 which is pretty normal. Finally, I was significantly better off even after a costly divorce. That’s helpful since I could travel and take time off I wanted.

Of course, amongst all the fun, there were some missteps and I married a second time choosing badly. Totally my fault but no regrets.

Finally, I’m 57 now and will almost certainly marry for a 3rd time in the next few months to my girlfriend of 6 years. I guess I’m a hopeless romantic but now much more cautious when I think of marriage. Honestly, I’d prefer not to get married but when you travel the world and settle somewhere immigration isn’t very understanding of “this is my girlfriend” when it comes to needing long term visas.

 

[Old Microbiologist]

True enough. I had a similar experience after 25 years of marriage without much warning. She had a change of lifestyle at menopause and went lesbian. Not much I could do about that and it is apparently becoming common.

I dated on line, met and married my current wife 15 years ago and we couldn't be happier. We are both on our 3rd marriages (and both have 50 years of marriage if you combine the three spouses) so know the ropes. She is 5 years older than I am which should equalize our life expectancies more or less although women in her family often live to 100. Men in my family have never exceeded 82 although my mother died at 95 and I have her genetics so there is hope. We are both very healthy and no serious issues at all. What we have found in our "old" age is that minor issues are just that. Neither of us ever want a divorce again and really it is off the table completely. We have learned to accomodate to each other's interests and accept the discrepancies. Neither of us are abusive or have bad habits and both are doctoral educated with different hobbies. We are both givers which is nice for a change having had two takers in a row. We are politically identical and have similar work histories (although she being Russian it was for the Soviet Union and I for the US military). Interestingly, we also share the exact same physical ailments and neither of us have any serious diseases only minor BS like back pain. The only fly in the ointment is she lost both her children, one to drowing at age 13, and the other heart failure at age 50. My kids are both alive and are okay with her (not close) but we are physically distant as we retired to Hungary and my son lives in Israel and my daughter in NYC. No grandchildren and none are ever expected as neither child can stay with a partner more than a year thus no real reason to travel to see them much. We do go to Israel (which is a relatively short and cheap trip from here - but not an easy one due to the issues in Israel) but we also both have family there (my wife's older sister retired there and her son and children live in Jerusalem). My brother's daughter (with 6 kids) lives in Jerusalem as well although my son is in B'eer Sheva. So, it is at least worth visiting the extended family and we also have friends there as well so it ends up being exhausting to try and see everyone. I only have my daughter (NYC) and brother (Indianapolis) in the US. My brother stops here on the way to Israel usually once a year on the way to visit his 6 grandkids or we meet up there. I fly my daughter out here to Hungary every couple of years usually with a new boyfriend who I will never see again.

What we have learned is the only people we can count on after retirement is each other which is an enormous and binding commitment.

 

[Nemo2]

I heard once that “the only reason a man would be interested in a woman over 45 is if she had money, because by then women are way past their prime”.

Oh, I dunno:

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowb...ip-Italian-film-producer-53-gets-serious.html

 

[sengsational]

That's part of the issue, isn't it? Once you're past 60, who wants to go back to square one with a new person? Getting to know someone deeply takes a good number of years.

My perspective would be different. The process of getting to know someone would not be a negative from my perspective; the journey would be made fun.

DW has said If I die first, she will never remarry. She won't have enough time to train a new husband.

Here's a rather sad article about a sudden illness, and the person, who ended-up only having days left, put up an advertisement for her husband to get a new mate. The link came up for me, but NYT might not like the referrer header from here or otherwise not let you see it:
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/03/style/modern-love-you-may-want-to-marry-my-husband.html

Oh, I dunno: Charles-Dances-relationship-Italian-film-producer-53-gets-serious

based on the photo in that article, I think we might need to start ignoring calendar age and start using the Horvath clock age.

 

[Focus]

Oh, I dunno:

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowb...ip-Italian-film-producer-53-gets-serious.html

"First came a relationship with actress Sophia Myles, a vicar’s daughter." Only in England would they add that!

 

[kcowan]

Yes! A 15 year and counting break lol!

Many of our friends were single females who had broken up with their first spouse. None of them were in any hurry to reconnect. But several have met a guy and since coupled up. So it does happen and fifteen years is not a life sentence!