Feeling lost after FIRE

[FedRetired50]

Come on- snap out of it, man!

From his description it sounds like he has mild depression. "Snap out of it" is useless advice for someone in that position.

 

[InsertCleverHandle]

I think what you are feeling is very normal. I left work at 45 after hitting FI a couple years earlier. I’ve always been motivated by accomplishment, but as I hit my 40s, I realized the bar just kept moving and getting a raise/promotion/bigger house didn’t make any real difference in my life. I was always chasing “when I get x” I will be content. That’s true for superficial things but also deeper more meaningful things too. Love, family, did improve my life and make me feel joy, but content and feeling complete comes from within. After a year off of work, I went back to work. I took a much less stressful, lower-level role that is part time. What I have realized is human nature is we acclimate to where we are over time. When I worked all the time, I longed for more walks, and mundane things like going to the grocery store. When I stopped working, I missed the mental challenges and camaraderie. I don’t mean this to be doom and gloom. But rather that if you chase 1 goal for a long time and you get it, you will likely feel a letdown. My advice is to take your time exploring what you want and don’t be too binary that you are “retired” or not. I also thought when I told people I was retired early, that would trigger discussion. It didn’t, at least not in a positive way. I told my doctor because he asked for my employer and he quickly went into a lecture about “he was a Dr. and couldn’t retire even though he was older than I am, and that college is really expensive and have I thought about that”. Nobody really cares, and when they do, it tends to make them feel worse about their situation more than interested in yours.

 

[Retch The Grate]

I agree with the other folks here that it sounds like depression may be at play. I wasn't FI, but i had an extended period off from work when I was 32 and it was in fact depressing and unproductive. This doesn't mean you have to get a job to find structure that keeps you happy, but you DO need to find a structure that works for you, be it volunteering, getting past the lack of motivation to pursue activities like exercise, school, etc.

There is nothing wrong with finding an external structure to your life useful for making it feel good for you, so keep looking for things that can give that to you, and don't rule out work. Nothing requires you to be RE, you can always be FI and do jobs you love without worrying about the pay, for instance. I make video games, right now I care about pay a lot because I'm no longer FI after we bought our house. When I am FI again, I expect to keep making games because it is fun and I like spending some of my time on it.

 

[SanDiegoFire]

Hello Hustler. Found this thread after googling "lost in retirement." A state I have found myself in off and on since 2007 when I FIREd. At 53 I can totally relate to what you are describing. Something that was very helpful for me at the front end of my early retirement was hiring a life coach (finding a good one can be VERY tough btw) who helped me immensely with personal development. For the first few years I read and gobbled up everything I could in the personal development space (think Tim Ferriss, James Clear, stoicism, Buddhist psychology, meditation, nutrition, exercise, etc.). Life changing amazing stuff which I still focus on today albeit less so than in the early years. If I could do it all over again I would have reinvented myself vocationally and stayed in the workforce. I have now mentally atrophied in the FIRE comfort zone and find getting involved too onerous now. So, I guess not surprisingly, if I was 31 and FI, I would skip the RE part, especially it being 2023. The next few decades with AI and all that's going on in the world it is sure to be an exciting time to be "on the playing field" vs. in the bleachers. For me, not recreating a vocational position in my life is one of, if not the biggest mistake of my life. I used to wonder with judgement why rich and famous people all work when they do not need to. Why proactively sign up for such hassles? Now I understand.

 

[Harris4crna]

As humans we need purpose and direction. I am 50yo and still feel the need to work. Issues is now I have been out of my skill base work for a couple years. I regret not keeping up with sustaining my skills. I'm not giving up, but the tunnel is closing.

Although, since retirement I have made more money than I did when I was working full time. I went from 150k to 250k in 2023 due to my investments.

 

[street]

Hello Hustler. Found this thread after googling "lost in retirement." A state I have found myself in off and on since 2007 when I FIREd. At 53 I can totally relate to what you are describing. Something that was very helpful for me at the front end of my early retirement was hiring a life coach (finding a good one can be VERY tough btw) who helped me immensely with personal development. For the first few years I read and gobbled up everything I could in the personal development space (think Tim Ferriss, James Clear, stoicism, Buddhist psychology, meditation, nutrition, exercise, etc.). Life changing amazing stuff which I still focus on today albeit less so than in the early years. If I could do it all over again I would have reinvented myself vocationally and stayed in the workforce. I have now mentally atrophied in the FIRE comfort zone and find getting involved too onerous now. So, I guess not surprisingly, if I was 31 and FI, I would skip the RE part, especially it being 2023. The next few decades with AI and all that's going on in the world it is sure to be an exciting time to be "on the playing field" vs. in the bleachers. For me, not recreating a vocational position in my life is one of, if not the biggest mistake of my life. I used to wonder with judgement why rich and famous people all work when they do not need to. Why proactively sign up for such hassles? Now I understand.

Very well stated. I also wonder at times why I didn't just keep on working with the pay I had I could be worth a whole lot more. I was never unhappy with my work and looked forward each day to go to work.

The reason I did ER is the fact that my time was more important to me then more money at that time in life. After saying that I'm still wired to make more money and will always be a saver and frugal is my middle name. So, down deep I can relate to the feeling of lost or of somewhat disappointing I'm not still raking it in.

 

[Bigdawg]

As humans we need purpose and direction. I am 50yo and still feel the need to work. Issues is now I have been out of my skill base work for a couple years. I regret not keeping up with sustaining my skills. I'm not giving up, but the tunnel is closing.

^This is where I'm at. Last day of work was 15 February 2023. I'm sort of maybe looking. Don't need to. I still officiate sports and DW is still working. I disagree that PURPOSE and DIRECTION means WORK. It can. My 60-70-80 yr old mentors tell me that a person needs to be physically active and mentally engage/challenged until the very end. I'm also writing (and reading) books. Heading to Northern WI in three weeks completing research on 2 book projects.

 

[flyingaway]

Wow, you need someone to tell you how to live your life (life coach). I would rather work if I need that.

My purpose and direction in retirement is to enjoy life as much as possible.

 

[SanDiegoFire]

Wow, you need someone to tell you how to live your life (life coach). I would rather work if I need that.

My purpose and direction in retirement is to enjoy life as much as possible.

Hi flyingaway. Why do you feel it necessary to judge and insult me? I'm genuinely curious what motived you. This is my first day and post (likely my last thanks to you) in this forum and I found my comment to be a positive and relevant contribution to the topic. Shaming someone for hiring a life coach is bizarre. For the record, "A life coach advocates for and consults with people to help them strengthen their life skills and reach their full potential. Clients seek out life coaches because they help people make new goals and change the direction of their lives." - Indeed.com

 

[Winter]

I think a life coach is a great idea! Sometimes we need a different perspective and input from someone who has training in this area can be a great way to get that.

As for the OP, being a parent will take up more time than seems possible. It will also open a whole new social arena for you, all those other parents that you meet are also potential new friends and networking then commences. Best of luck to you, you are on the verge of an amazing and wonderful new time of your life.

 

[Gumby]

Moderator note: It's fine to disagree, but it's not helpful to be rude to each other. So let's all play nice. Thank you.

 

[Harris4crna]

^This is where I'm at. Last day of work was 15 February 2023. I'm sort of maybe looking. Don't need to. I still officiate sports and DW is still working. I disagree that PURPOSE and DIRECTION means WORK. It can. My 60-70-80 yr old mentors tell me that a person needs to be physically active and mentally engage/challenged until the very end. I'm also writing (and reading) books. Heading to Northern WI in three weeks completing research on 2 book projects.

Concur, finding purpose can come in many flavors. I chose to work in my profession to find purpose, but I also volunteer to NGO, Local hospital teaching medical courses and my church. Although, I can imagine those who RE in their 30's may need more than volunteer work or other means to find purpose and direction outside of a profession yielding a paycheck. Of course, this is extremely personal to the retiree.

 

[Calico]

Hi flyingaway. Why do you feel it necessary to judge and insult me? I'm genuinely curious what motived you. This is my first day and post (likely my last thanks to you) in this forum and I found my comment to be a positive and relevant contribution to the topic. Shaming someone for hiring a life coach is bizarre. For the record, "A life coach advocates for and consults with people to help them strengthen their life skills and reach their full potential. Clients seek out life coaches because they help people make new goals and change the direction of their lives." - Indeed.com

Please don't leave the forum because of one rude poster. 99% of the folks who post here are civil, and genuinely interested in sharing their knowledge and contributing to the conversation. Every now and then (unfortunately) you will run across someone who just wants to be rude, like the person who jumped on your post. I'm sorry that happened on your first day!

I thought your post was thoughtful and helpful, and I hope you will stick around and keep contributing.

 

[Onda]

Hi all! I (M31) have been FIREd for 2 years now. As soon as I reached my financial goal, I quit my corporate job and have moved back to my home country. Before making this major life shift, I had a whole list of things that I wanted to do with my free time, such as enrolling into a graduate school, be more physically active, travel more - simply enjoying the life.
!

If I moved back to my home country in Eastern Europe I would feel same way. We are not one of them anymore and never will be.

I don't know your age, but quiting job before 55 is mentally very difficult. It is not only about money.

 

[Onda]

Ups I missed that you are only 31. Well, you are still home there.

If I moved back at 31, I would still have my parents, grandmother, and friends. The town would be unchanged. The area where I grew up would be unchanged. It would be nice in some way.

But what would I do with my life? The country is not functional, and I would describe it as: byrokracy, corruption, envy, hatred for any minority, anti-American. I could not live there.

Airbnb some place in Seville, Granada, Porto and try something different.

 

[meleana]

Get a job that requires physical work. Find a mate and get married and have children. Buy a home. Amp up the responsibilities.

 

[Andre1969]

I had on old friend (now gone to his final reward) who used to say - quite eloquently - "Now that I'm retired, I don't know how I ever had time to w*rk!" He had so many hobbies and projects that he was busy most of his waking hours. He had zero regrets about retiring and never looked back. YMMV

I'm still working, but I've even noticed a bit of this phenomenon in my own life. Back in my 20s, as I was rapidly falling into debt thanks to a bad marriage, I picked up a third job. I was already working a full-time job, plus an evening job where I worked three nights per week at a department store. The third job was delivering pizzas, and I did that on my nights off from the other job. Eventually, the pizza job phased out the department store job, as I made a lot more money chauffeuring pizzas around. For about a year, I was probably pulling in around 70-80 hours per week, between all jobs.

At my peak, I had been delivering pizzas Mon/Tues/Thurs/Fri/Sat nites, with Wednesday and Sunday off. I usually crashed on the couch as soon as I got off work from the primary job on Wednesday. I usually slept a good deal of Saturday away, as well, and often didn't get up until around noon on Sunday.

But, as I got back on my feet financially, and started to phase that pizza job out, somehow, it didn't really seem like I had any more free time. Towards the end, I was down to just Thurs/Fri/Sat, although the primary job was pretty fast and loose with overtime in those days, so I was able to pick up a bit more there. When I finally ditched the pizza job, I was probably doing around 65-70 hours per week, between the two.

But then, when I cut out the second job, and was suddenly down to around 40-45 hours per week, at the main job, even though I suddenly had all that extra free time, it just didn't seem like it. And now I look back, and wonder how I had time to work all those hours, to begin with!

And even now, with working from home I'm noticing it as well. I probably save a good 75-90 minutes in commute time for every day I work from home, and can also take a quick break now and then to run a quick errand. But still, it makes me think, where did all that extra time go? And how did I have all that time, to waste commuting to work?

 

[Closet_Gamer]

Hi flyingaway. Why do you feel it necessary to judge and insult me? I'm genuinely curious what motived you. This is my first day and post (likely my last thanks to you) in this forum and I found my comment to be a positive and relevant contribution to the topic. Shaming someone for hiring a life coach is bizarre. For the record, "A life coach advocates for and consults with people to help them strengthen their life skills and reach their full potential. Clients seek out life coaches because they help people make new goals and change the direction of their lives." - Indeed.com

My brother hired a coach when he was transitioning from corporate life. In his case, it was more of a career coach for successful, high-intensity people who wanted to stay engaged without being in a 24x7x365 job. He says it was one of his best decisions.

I hope you stick around. This is a very good community. Don't let one awkward post chase you off.

 

[Bigdawg]

Hi flyingaway. Why do you feel it necessary to judge and insult me? I'm genuinely curious what motived you. This is my first day and post (likely my last thanks to you) in this forum and I found my comment to be a positive and relevant contribution to the topic. Shaming someone for hiring a life coach is bizarre. For the record, "A life coach advocates for and consults with people to help them strengthen their life skills and reach their full potential. Clients seek out life coaches because they help people make new goals and change the direction of their lives." - Indeed.com

Is it just me missing the judgement and insult? All I see is a recommendation to get a life coach. Great idea btw. Good luck to you SanDiegoFire. We lived in Poway for a long time. Son and DIL live in North Park. Way too expensive for my taste now.

 

[FedRetired50]

...For about a year, I was probably pulling in around 70-80 hours per week, between all jobs...

I feel your story in many ways. My parents didn't live up to a promise to pay for college, and I refused to go into debt to get my degree. By my mid-20s I was working full-time and going to school full-time. Luckily I had a job where I could set my own schedule and work completely around my school schedule (door to door collections for Comcast, which was horrible).

Also I worked for 4 different pizza companies in my teens and early 20s, 2 of them doing delivery. Better/safer than the collections job, honestly.

And, my ex had a spending problem.

 

[hustler]

Hi all,

First of all, I want to thank to each one of you for writing your comments! Some of the feedback has been very valuable and I really appreciate hearing opinions from you guys. Most of you are older and wiser than I am, and some of you have already experienced my situation at some point of life.

Secondly, I want to take a moment to reflect on developments in my life since the time I made this post half a year ago.

Pretty much right after making a post, I got motivated to make a change, so first thing I did was a brainstorming with myself on all the activities that I could do. The list consisted of activities such as sports to play, mental stimulus activities, social activities, books to read, etc.

The area where I made most of the progress was in sports and personal well-being. In 6 months time I lost 7kg, decreased fat % by around 6%, ran 2 half-marathons.

Another, and by far the major and most important change is that I got a baby and became a father around 2 months ago, which now became the main activitiy for me that gave a new purpose to my life. It took becoming a father to realize what kind of blessing it is that in the morning I don't need to get ready and go to work after sequence of sleepless nights, but instead being able to stay at home and help to my wife in raising our baby.

On the other hand, I am still missing some kind of a mental stimulus, being either some kind of job, learning a new language, enrolling into university again.. This is the field where I feel like I am stagnating the most. Going regularly to gym and playing all kinds of sports is nice, but I feel like I need some kind of a "driver" in my life. Also, being able to take care of my kid "full time" is also very nice, but I also want to set the example for my kid that working hard and having a purpose in life is important. How am I going to do that if I am at home doing nothing important for most of the day?

So overall, things are progressing, but there are still some dilemmas that I need to figure out for myself.

 

[street]

^ sounds like you are starting to find your way. If you continue to move forward with the issues you have, you will find your answers. Being healthy and being able to do what I want each day is enough to make me very happy and really nothing else matters.

Good Luck!

 

[Lorenzo]

You have mentioned university and graduate school several times. I get the impression you enjoyed that kind of experience. I can empathize. As a student, you have a schedule to follow, a place to go at a certain time, deadlines imposed on you, etc. I believe we humans desire that kind of structure. We spend decades saving our money so we can quit our jobs and have nothing but unstructured time, but some of us might miss the structure. Maybe returning to school can provide some of what is missing from your life. It sounds like, having become a father, your life is pretty full, but maybe this could fill in what you feel is missing.

 

[pacergal]

Congratulations on the birth of your baby! You have a wealth of knowledge to teach your child about "work"--by your example of being able to work, save and retire so young!

Going back to school is never a bad thing, learning and gaining knowledge is always useful and may point you in a new direction you hadn't planned on before.

Best of luck to you and hope to continue to hear from you.

 

[Route246]

I am 67 and still working but have long surpassed FI 10+ years ago so I'm working with FU money and for the enjoyment and stimulation of working. That said, I am most fearful of what you have described as feeling lost more than anything else. I have two hobbies I have a passion for (amateur/ham radio and writing code) and a few others of high interest (home improvement projects and working on cars) and I'm making big plans for staying active and stimulated once I retire for good. I just feel that being a corporate guy for my entire adult life, always taking care of deliverables for someone else and always being dependent on someone or something being an underlying motivator that I may also feel lost once I have nobody to answer to.

Your thoughts here have been eye-opening and great food for thought. I will absolutely retire on my terms and my terms only and the date will be set to optimize leaving as little on the table as possible (it is quite substantial). I have colleagues who recently retired and have the same challenges as it is very difficult to walk away from substantial amounts of money that I earned the rights to through hard work and intellectual curiosity. It just seems like a waste but it has to be done.

I don't have the travel bug like many here as I was a road warrior for almost 20 years when I was in my 20s and 30s and burned out on airports. I have no problems taking road trips but I despise airports, TSA and airlines. I don't have a wish list as whatever we need or want we just get it. That part is also a factor of feeling lost once we acquired FI. Walking through a high-end mall or looking at local car dealerships is much different these days than it was when I was younger and trying to acquire enough wealth to afford those things. Now that I can just write a check for whatever, it is a feeling of being lost since the pursuit of money to acquire things is no longer there.

I never had those thoughts like, "If I ever hit the lottery I would do this or do that," when I was poor and working hard. I just worked hard and saved and one day it just happened when I realized we had FI. One young engineer who works for me is always talking about what car he is going to buy and his next trip somewhere to a tourist destination. I smile and see the joy and anticipation in his eyes as he has these dreams. Well, for myself, I guess I am lost for that, as my main dream these days is to maintain good health and achieve happiness through seeing family members being happy.

Congratulations on your FIRE and don't let others influence your decisions. Only you can ignite that fire that FIRE allows you to execute on your wants.