How to survive an unexpected house guest?

[Lisa99]

He definitely doesn't have dementia and his OCD is mild... The man constantly makes noise...smacks his lips, sucks his teeth, sings or hums...he's never quiet.

I crave quiet and between the TV being on all the time and the noises he makes I was going mad... But as my last post said, he is leaving tomorrow.

 

[2B]

Very weird but good turn of events.

Just went to the kitchen to get some tea. DH tells me that his dad has decided to move to SIL's house tomorrow instead of at the end of next week (he's a fairly perceptive man so I think my spending the majority of my time for the last several days reading in my bedroom with the door shut gave him an aha moment). Not sure SIL knows about his plan...

Four days of vacation recovered as well as my sanity. I'll make sure to talk to DH about how having his dad arrive without my knowledge or input next year is not welcome.

Since your FIL is leaving, can I come visit?

 

[Lisa99]

Not just no, but h*ll no!

 

[Dog]

Lisa99, sounds like the situation has resolved itself. I think I would have felt the same way as you. I don't mind a short visit from family or friends, but do feel constrained when the visit lasts beyond a weekend. I enjoy people, but need my "alone time" and 'space'. I envy/admire people that enjoy having lots of guests in their home and don't mind or in fact enjoy the ruckus. I wish I was more relaxed about it and could just enjoy the company.

 

[Amethyst]

In that case, default immediately to Moemg's recommendation!

Amethyst

He definitely doesn't have dementia and his OCD is mild... The man constantly makes noise...smacks his lips, sucks his teeth, sings or hums...he's never quiet.

I crave quiet and between the TV being on all the time and the noises he makes I was going mad... But as my last post said, he is leaving tomorrow.

 

[Lisa99]

I'm a strong INTJ so there is no scenario where I will ever enjoy anyone but DH in our house for more than a couple of days.

I have a friend whose sole desire after retiring is to open a bed and breakfast... I think she's INSANE!

 

[Walt34]

I've never had a roommate, nor anybody staying with me for a long period of time, so to have somebody drop by unannounced for a month-long stay (or more) would have me boiling over.

If it were me, I'd tell DH that either FIL moves out, or I would. If it caused a family stink, so be it. But that's just me.

+1

And "boiling over" is putting it mildly. Pulling a stunt like that (just showing up) wouldn't happen here. In order to prevent a homicide I'd just politely inquire "Where are you staying?".

I have a friend whose sole desire after retiring is to open a bed and breakfast... I think she's INSANE!

INTJ here too and I agree!

 

[Lisa99]

I knew he was coming but his stated intent was to stay with SIL for the full time here.

No idea when he changed his mind but needless to say I was surprised when he pulled into the driveway with his stuff.

But it's all over now so we can return to normalcy.

 

[Calico]

I am relieved to hear that the situation has been resolved. I am also a very strong INTJ and cannot abide guests for more than about 48 hours.

Having lost his (presumably long-time?) spouse only 6 months ago, it is quite possible your FIL is suffering from a certain degree of depression and loneliness, and a man of his generation may be unwilling or unable to express those vulnerable feelings, especially to his own children. If his wife was also the partner responsible for arranging their social life, he may feel adrift and unequipped to put himself into new social situations yet (even something which appears so simple or benign as participating in the senior center activities).

None of those feelings would excuse his simply descending on you unannounced and taking up residence like that, however.

To prevent a repeat occurrence next year, I do think that Moemg's idea of putting him in the vicinity of multiple widows is an excellent one. If my father's experience was anything to go by, it would be like catnip to cats. After every divorce (there were several) my father had to beat women off with a stick - and this was true despite his very advanced years and, shall we say, less-than-charming personality.

You might suggest the "widows + catnip" scenario to your SIL, who has just inherited the situation. Chances are that soon you would all have to make an appointment to see him!

Enjoy the four days of peace and quiet you have regained.

 

[splitwdw]

Know the situation is over but where was your husband in all this? AND why didn't you two talk about this as soon as it happened?

 

[Moemg]

If you introduce him to a few widows not only will he be occupied but you won't have to cook as the casseroles will just role in !

 

[Lisa99]

DH and I went to lunch alone this afternoon and had a talk about the situation.

Turned out to be a miscommunication as are most topics like this. DH knew his dad was coming and knew he planned to spend half of his time with us and half with SIL. DH thought I knew this too and was ok with it.

I knew he was coming to Vegas but thought he was going to spend the full time as SIL's based on a talk we'd had when he was here in the fall looking at and rejecting extended stay places.

I let DH know that I'm not ok with this happening again next year. FIL is welcome to visit but not for 3 weeks. I'll also plan my extended stay at home vacation for another time of the year so that when he's here I have to work all day so only have to 'visit' a couple of hours in the evening.

DH is an extreme extovert so didn't understand why I was so upset with the situation but once I'd explained fully he got it and understood.

 

[Revlefty]

I thought it was Socrates who said "fish and relatives both stink after three days." Maybe Ben Franklin forgot to footnote?


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[MRG]

I believe many have 'invented' the three day rule and forgot to give credit. Doesn't mean it's less a reality.

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[daylatedollarshort]

We generally have a two week limit rule on house guests. We had to implement that early on in our marriage when a broke relative of mine bought a one way ticket from out of state intending to stay with us - indefinitely. There is only one other person we've had to use the limits on, but that has been multiple occasions. Most of our friends and relatives are fun to have around and have never overstayed their welcome.

 

[Amethyst]

All the old gals be like,

"My casserole brings all the codgers to the yard,
They're like, it's better than yours,
Damn right, it's better than yours,
I could teach you but I'd have to charge."

(hoping I never get that desperate)

Amethyst

If you introduce him to a few widows not only will he be occupied but you won't have to cook as the casseroles will just role in !

 

[jim584672]

Good thing he is leaving.

I would have put his stuff outside and changed the locks the next time he journeyed out.

 

[harley]

Loud music (whatever type he hates), especially during his sleeping hours. Cook up some kimchee or other delicious and smelly recipes. Drum circles. Figure out his political bent and invite over the other side for fun discussions. Religion works too.

I can chase people out of my house without even trying. It should be easy if you're truly motivated.

 

[seraphim]

Start surreptitiously moving his things around the house when no one is looking. Turn his clean socks inside out in the drawer. Hopefully, you are not being an enabler and doing his laundry and stuff for him. Or cooking for him. Or running errands. If you are, then stop. If DH complains, then guess what? I'm assuming you've already made your feelings clear to your spouse. If not, shame on you. Communication is key to any successful marriage. Make the same feelings clear to FIL. No success? Take a vacation all by yourself go a weekend. Find a hotel close to work for a week. One with a nice bar. Nothing cheap. Leave the two of them alone for a while to fend for themselves.

But I'm serious about the enabling aspect. If you're enabling the situation by quietly going along with it, you've nothing to complain about. You're being part of the problem, and FIL will never leave. Why should he? He's got someone to all the chores his wife used to handle so he doesn't have to deal with them


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[seraphim]

Apologies - I missed your explanation post


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