I am starting to understand Introverts

[Rianne]

One reason I still have some problem talking to strangers are experiences I had when I was younger. As a young, dark skinned, minority male, the majority of attempts to talk to strangers resulted in either (a) being perceived as a threat, or (b) being treated as if you were invisible. For example, I had the police called on me for trying to ask for directions when I was lost, and when standing outside of a dorm, with several other minority friends (all carrying books) waiting for a friend a daring to say "hello" to several white students going inside. Or, standing in line somewhere and having a conversation with a stranger, then seeing that person again and them walking by you as if you were a ghost. Though things are relatively better now that I am older, I am still wary of this.

DW, as an extrovert, does not have this problem. Though a minority, being female and light skinned (with which some call "exotic" looks), strangers are happy to talk to her. She has had more the opposite problems (IMHO due to her figure) of people wanting to talk to her and thinking her responding to them was a come-on to them.

Your experiences leave me with a heavy heart. Many are conditioned for some reason, in this hateful racist way. That's no excuse. My grandparents from Hungary were treated poorly. The Polish, Irish and Italian communities in the 40's and 50's similar. My dad was upset I was marrying an Italian. Some preconceived notion of the mafia. Silly. How is it we judge others by their looks or heritage? Are we as humans the only animal species that does this?

 

[Which Roger]

I’m an introvert. Corp America tapped every last ounce of desire I had to work with other people.

The thing that drained me the most was when an extroverted manager was leading a meeting and wanted to hash things out in the meeting until we made a decision. What I wanted was to have a little discussion to lay out the issue, then go back to our cubicles and mull things over, then exchange some e-mails until we reached a decision.

 

[Silver]

Both DH and I are fairly extreme introverts. I believe that what non-introverts in our life may not understand is that most times, just being around other people for even a brief time makes us uncomfortable. We don't want to "engage". Small talk is very annoying for both of us, even with each other.

Trying to live in an extroverts' world is exhausting, so we typically retreat. It makes for a very limited social life which I find sad sometimes. But it is how we are least stressed and happiest.

 

[Live And Learn]

Me me me !

The first 6 months of retirement I was home all the time. And then I slowly became a professional volunteer, often volunteering 20 hours a week and doing too many errands in between.

I am LOVING being home again. I am rethinking my volunteer activities and will give up many of them, keeping only one or two that I am passionate about.

I had an uncle that was a recluse. I was his favorite niece. I think he knew that inside we were kindred spirits.

 

[Youngblood]

I have always been an extroverted people person. My calendar was always filled with meetings, parties, dinners, events, etc. When I had to start staying home about 3 months ago I really missed all that. But now I am starting to wind down and I am enjoying the quiet time--not checking my calendar all the time, staying home, going for long bike rides, sitting on my porch reading books, playing cards with DH, cooking at home. I am realizing I don't need to stay busy all the time and that some of the people I was spending alot of time with were not that much fun anyway. I am starting to understand introverted stay at home folks more. Anybody else enjoying staying at home?

I'm introverted (ISTJ). I really only realized this a few years ago. I did some self reflection and was honest with myself. Basically, I didn't understand why I was so exhausted when I got home from my office job.It wasn't strenuous work. I just had zero energy to go work out or do anything. When I realized I was introverted, I found out I just need to be alone for a bit to re-charge.

I really hate traveling. I lied to myself about this for awhile because I thought traveling is something everyone likes to do. But no...I just don't like doing it. I still travel from time to time, but I keep it at a minimum.

I've had no issues with the stay at home order. (I'm still w@$%ing, so that has helped, lol) I'm very comfortable in my own skin and I don't need to have constant contact with people. I will say that I am looking forward to seeing some of my friends again soon, though. I do enjoy hanging out with my friends and family......in moderation

 

[O2Bfree]

Introvert here, and I enjoy staying home. Our 1,500 sq ft house is on a 15,000 sq ft lot with a park-like back yard, and I've been getting a lot of overdue pruning and minor landscaping projects done. We have a wide-open view of the sky with the sound in the distance, and plenty of birds and other critters to watch. Local roads are good for biking with wide shoulders and some great hill profiles for maintaining leg strength and cardio. So I'm in my element here.

Socially, DH and I both enjoy engaging with people when they're around, but rarely have the urge to indicate that we should get together for some future activity. This seems to put some people off, so that they don't want to engage at all anymore. We have one neighbor like this, which makes me a little sad because I've enjoyed talking with her when we're both outside. Her husband still talks to us, but she stays in the background.

 

[WhenIsItTime]

The thing that drained me the most was when an extroverted manager was leading a meeting and wanted to hash things out in the meeting until we made a decision. What I wanted was to have a little discussion to lay out the issue, then go back to our cubicles and mull things over, then exchange some e-mails until we reached a decision.

I adopted a rule of 3 for decisions amongst group of people. All decisions involve (1) introduce topic, (2) discuss, and (3) decide. We generally agreed only to do 2 steps in any 1 mtg. All three is often too fast for somebody in group.

 

[Momcpa]

As an introvert, I'm like some others here......I find small talk, and chatter annoying. An initial comment is fine, but then get down to what you need to discuss with me. I don't have the need to talk a lot, even with my family. So am I just quiet, or am I a true introvert?? Maybe a combination. I'm fine with being home all day after I retired. I am still working through the feeling that maybe I should be 'doing something' some days. But I don't really need to be doing something.....I can read if I want, or watch a movie if I want. It really doesn't matter to even my husband if I'm doing something productive, but I still sometimes have that nagging feeling. I'm self conscience of being idle I guess.

 

[Major Tom]

I'm a massive introvert but, for most of my life, have felt there was also something else going on with the way I relate to the world, that made me quite different. Without going into too much detail, I don't like planning social get togethers of any kind in advance, unless they are with one of a very small number of people in my most inner circle. For example, if someone were to invite me to a social meeting of some kind later in the month, it will disrupt my whole month. My main focus for the next few weeks will be solely on "getting through" that one engagement, so that I can once again enjoy masses of unscheduled time to myself. It's for this reason that I avoid scheduled get togethers with more than one person like the plague. There are a very small number of people who I look forward to spending time with, one-on-one. Occasionally, a few extra people is nice too, but, for the most part, they need to be people I am particularly comfortable with, and know well.

I enjoy casual unplanned social interactions with a variety of people, from strangers, to acquaintances, to close friends. For strangers and acquaintances though, the meetings need to be spontaneous and not planned in advance, otherwise the anticipation interferes with my inner peace. Another trait I possess, that I have always thought was a bit odd, is that I have very limited and specific interests. In addition, with the few hobbies I do have, my interests within those pursuits are very specific. For instance, I am a licensed radio ham. Just because someone else is a radio ham, doesn't mean I will feel anything in common with them, unless they have the same specific interest within the hobby that I do. To make things worse, I tend to follow these specific interests quite doggedly, until I lose interest, and move onto another of my fairly small range of interests. If I come across someone who has the exact same interest as me, we will only be able to connect if I happen to be experiencing a period of prolonged interest in that topic at the time.

I rarely get very excited about anything, but also hardly ever feel very sad or down. My emotions tend to stay within a fairly narrow range. I like routine and predictability. It was only fairly recently, that it occurred to me I may have a mild case of Asperger's. I'm thinking of calling my doctor, to see if it's possible to get a diagnosis. I'm not in crisis in any way. In fact, I'm as content as a bug in a rug, or a pig in the proverbial you-know-what. However, a diagnosis of Asperger's, if this is what it is, might aid me in seeking some kind of advice on how to push my boundaries just a bit, and improve the way I experience life just a little.

The famed British DJ John Peel was fond of claiming that he was the most boring man in the world. I like to think that perhaps I'm the second

 

[Silver]

I understand every word you said, Major Tom, and feel very similarly. I have a very short attention span, and believe I have always had Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). I have few hobbies and lose interest quickly, but I'm rarely bored.

I worry that people who are highly introverted are perceived to be aloof, and even arrogant. Our interest in keeping people at a distance comes off as being self absorbed or self righteous, and I regret that very much. Instead, in my case, it's just self-consciousness and discomfort.

 

[Ally]

I have always been an introverted stay-at-homer, so this "lockdown" has not been an issue for me other than not seeing my family - granddaughter, son, daughter, brothers and sisters. But we were never much on going out to eat or to parties and whatnot, so that part is really no different.

Your statement is so exactly what I would have said, that I had to double check to be sure I hadn’t already commented!

 

[ransil]

And all the hugging people want to do, keep away

 

[ckelly78z]

Introvert here also. I truly enjoyed my 10 weeks at home (back to work now), and was healthier/happier than I have been in a long time. While others (co-workers, and friends) were complaining how bored, and riddled with anxiety they were over everything, and made it a point of not watching the news, and concentrating on home.farm projects.

Even with the rough Spring weather, I was able to build a beautiful new greenhouse https://www.instructables.com/id/DIY-GreenHouse-Build-Solid-Structure/, and convert an old row boat into a fully functioning bass boat by building casting decks with storage compartments, a livewell, and rod holders. I cut down a bunch of dead standing trees, and pulled the logs into my yard for firewood processing. I also helped a friend on his new roof after a fire.

 

[ckelly78z]

And all the hugging people want to do, keep away

My brother's side are all huggers, they feel it necessary to hug everyone in the room while coming, and going...I tend to go rigid.

 

[DAYDREAMER]

Introvert here, and proud of it. Put me on a thousand acres with a house smack dab in the middle. "GET OFF MY LAWN". DW and I feel annoyed if we have to go to some engagement.

Currently on 3 acres with no visible neighbors, and has been probably 5 years since last interaction with a neighbor.

Posting on this and a few other forums is the extent of effort I'm willing to put out for idle chit chat. And even then, meh, not important as evident of having 378 posts since 2008.

 

[harllee]

OP here, I had started this thread by saying I was starting to understand introverts better. After reading this thread I must admit I was wrong--I do not understand what it is to be an introvert. I respect the way introverts feel but it is hard for me to understand--I am definitely an extrovert. My feeling about being with friends, small talk, etc are very different from what the introverts here described.

I have decided that my issue before the stay at home order was over scheduling. I am enjoying not be so scheduled. In fact this week I have resigned from one nonprofit board. I still believe in the mission of the nonprofit but I no longer fit the Board and was frustrated with it so I got out.

Yesterday my DH and I had over 2 other couples for a "social distancing cocktail party" in the driveway--everyone brought their own chairs food and drink and we sat 6 feet apart. We had a great time--small talk, catching up, telling jokes, etc. I had really missed that.

 

[ransil]

OP here, I had started this thread by saying I was starting to understand introverts better. After reading this thread I must admit I was wrong--I do not understand what it is to be an introvert. I respect the way introverts feel but it is hard for me to understand--I am definitely an extrovert. My feeling about being with friends, small talk, etc are very different from what the introverts here described.

I have decided that my issue before the stay at home order was over scheduling. I am enjoying not be so scheduled. In fact this week I have resigned from one nonprofit board. I still believe in the mission of the nonprofit but I no longer fit the Board and was frustrated with it so I got out.

Yesterday my DH and I had over 2 other couples for a "social distancing cocktail party" in the driveway--everyone brought their own chairs food and drink and we sat 6 feet apart. We had a great time--small talk, catching up, telling jokes, etc. I had really missed that.

Sitting at home in my lazy boy alone in the middle of 10 acres life is good.

 

[slick8511]

INTJ entering isolation here.

 

[2cheap2eat]

It all depends on the company you are around I suppose. I do enjoy time alone at home, but I also enjoy going out to places with friends. With covid, it's been virtual get together, mainly on the Poker Face app

 

[drcha]

Hey, buzz off--we don't want to be understood!

Just kidding. Yes, I'm right on the borderline. Love staying home and love going out. I'll be glad when I can go out again, but am finding plenty of pleasures right here.

 

[Dash man]

I don’t think an extrovert can ever understand an introvert. When I was working we had some kind of HR training on Social “Types.” It was supposed to make us understand each other better and work together better knowing how each other perceived various work personalities in different situations. The result was the extroverts took it upon themselves to “fix” us. For example, the introverts described in the training how we were often spoken over by the extrovert before we could finish our thought, resulting in our being drowned out of many meetings. They “fixed” that by pausing at some arbitrary point of the meeting asking us our thoughts on something, but not necessarily anything we actually had something to say about. It basically put us on the spot making us even more uncomfortable.

 

[HGTVFanatic]

Me, I'll yuk it up with anyone, anywhere; clerks in banks, cashiers in supermarkets, library staff.....but I prefer to do it on my feet where I can say "See Ya" and depart after finite interactions.

One, (a minor one, and certainly not the 'only'), reason that we (virtually) never go to the dining rooms on ships is that I (and DW feels the same) don't want to get stuck at a particular table with a bunch of people in whom I/we have no interest...(and I'm sure they'd feel the same about me).........and as for going on tours.."Aaaargghh!"

I would not be able to enjoy my meal if I was sitting at a table with strangers. I would be totally stressed out. Sail Norwegian and you get your own table. Thankfully.

 

[jimbee]

I don’t think an extrovert can ever understand an introvert.

I agree, in my experience that is unlikely.

When I was working we had some kind of HR training on Social “Types.” It was supposed to make us understand each other better and work together better knowing how each other perceived various work personalities in different situations. The result was the extroverts took it upon themselves to “fix” us. For example, the introverts described in the training how we were often spoken over by the extrovert before we could finish our thought, resulting in our being drowned out of many meetings. They “fixed” that by pausing at some arbitrary point of the meeting asking us our thoughts on something, but not necessarily anything we actually had something to say about. It basically put us on the spot making us even more uncomfortable.

Exhibit A in bold.

Workplaces tend to be setup for extroverts. I'm glad I don't have to spend time at those psychological pain in the ... places any more.

 

[imnontrad]

I consider myself to be introverted most of the time. I have been doing just fine since mid March. Yes, there are times when I can choose to be an extrovert and take charge too. When at a gathering, I will gravitate to someone standing alone to talk to them.

Although not always motivated, I have been using this time for walks and "dejunking" (just took a large donation today). I imagine by the end of summer, I will have everything in shape and even more items gone to new homes.

There was once an essay by the late Admiral James Stockdale. He stated that while he was a POW, he would think about all the time he wasted by going to cocktail parties with people he did not know, or did not like. So I imagine he reallocated his time after that too.

 

[Calico]

I don’t think an extrovert can ever understand an introvert. When I was working we had some kind of HR training on Social “Types.” It was supposed to make us understand each other better and work together better knowing how each other perceived various work personalities in different situations. The result was the extroverts took it upon themselves to “fix” us. For example, the introverts described in the training how we were often spoken over by the extrovert before we could finish our thought, resulting in our being drowned out of many meetings. They “fixed” that by pausing at some arbitrary point of the meeting asking us our thoughts on something, but not necessarily anything we actually had something to say about. It basically put us on the spot making us even more uncomfortable.

I could have written this about my w#rkplace. This is just one of many, many reasons I've been very happy to be w#rking from home since mid-March. I am 100% INTJ. Now I don't have to deal with people who constantly call impromptu meetings to have "team brainstorming sessions" about every little thing. It has been heaven.

All our meetings are now by zoom, and they are very efficient - they don't run over by even five minutes, whereas in the office I can't count how many endless meetings I lived through.