Loneliness In ER

[scrabbler1]

I have always been a loner. During my working years, I rarely sought out the company of coworkers. I have very few people I spend time with, and that small circle shrunk last year when my square dancing activity fried up due to the death of our long-time caller. I have had a steady ladyfriend for the last 15 years but we don't live together (we do live near each other).


And that's the way I like it all. The less contact I have with other people, the better.

 

[Retch The Grate]

Make friend with nurses, they usually only have a few days every two weeks they are working because their pay structure incentivizes working as many hours in a row as possible (which can't be good for patient care or healthcare costs but...).

I was off for 11 months before getting my current job, I regarded it as a retirement trial run, and thought I was perfectly happy. DW, however, says I was desperate for interaction when she got home from work, which as an introvert is not necessarily what she's up for at that point.

 

[Which Roger]

If you're active, join a bike club. Most of the daytime weekday riders may be older, but they're healthy and fit enough to be out there, so won't seem older.

 

[ER Eddie]

Oh, I didn't realize... Not that I'm an expert in marriages or even LTR but isn't a purpose to be in one not be alone? On the other hand "alone" is not the same as "lonely"...

Yeah, that's the purpose, I suppose. But marriage is no guarantee against loneliness. For instance, I watched a video on loneliness in women over 60 recently, and the comments section was filled with lonely, married women. I also see many men talking about unhappy marriages. As Robin Williams said, "I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel alone."

I'm not saying any of this refers to the OP, of course. I'm just making general comments. I'm guessing the OP is referring to situational feelings of loneliness that come and go, and have nothing to do with his marriage.

 

[doneat54]

No.


3 years into ER next month, and DW is still working. I have made an effort to stay in touch with former w*rk friends and do things socially often. During the day, our two dogs are my best buddies, we hike every day after lunch (about 475 mi. so far this year!). That, and I am a busy do-er type of person with lots of hobbies, projects, stuff to do (and a second lake 120 year old home purchased this summer, keeping me extra busy).

But that is just me, we are all different.

 

[street]

I don't think the OP cares any more, hasn't been back for a while now. LOL

 

[Vincenzo Corleone]

I don't think the OP cares any more, hasn't been back for a while now. LOL

Still care. Still here. Reading with interest. Thanks for the input.

 

[sergio]

Happiest guy I know that retired early (at age 55) has 5 kids, and is now up to 9 or 10 grandkids. And he has 6 siblings which means a million nieces/nephews. He once jokingly told me he wishes he could be lonely LOL.

 

[nancyfrank232]

^ everybody wants what they don’t have

It’s a human condition lol

 

[Out_the_Door]

There seems to be various hobby clubs around in my area, so maybe you can find something of your interest in your area? Meetup.com may be a good place to start exploring.

I second Meetup.com..I currently lead a hiking group on this site (evenings and weekends) but I plan to lead a few morning weekday hikes once I exit the workforce.

 

[FIREd]

I definitely experience some aloneness in ER but it is rather a good thing. As an introvert, I need plenty of alone time to recharge my batteries. But I rarely feel lonely. I briefly did after my post-ER divorce, as it was tough getting used to living alone again. But I cherish my bachelorhood now.

 

[meleana]

I was forced out of my job Sept. 2018 (62) As busy as I was and still am, I felt lonely even WITH my husband being home after work. Now he is newly retired just a few days ago and I am still lonely.


Thank goodness we have each other- he has no friends or family around either, but it doesn't seem to bother him. I am introverted as well, but social.



Anyway, this is why we sold our rural, secluded home of 32 years and are moving into a community in New England. Not a 55+, but like that. No over the top activities just some here and there, a clubhouse and a pool. In a touristy area and not far from where our son lives as well.


Hopefully once we move and get settled - which will take at least a year or more-I will join something or maybe work per diem sometimes as a tour guide.Or maybe just seeing some people around in the community sometimes will be enough. Maybe I will find a walking partner in addition to my husband.


I know I am getting season tickets to a ship that goes around the nearby lake. And hope to also be able to go to local theater and cultural arts center.


My husband will join the local sportsmen's club and maybe even get a part time job at Lowes or something.



It will be a total lifestyle change for us. But we need it. At least I know I do.

 

[NoMoreJob]

I retired at 50. For the first few years my wife was busy caring for her mother who had many health problems. I had many hobbies including carpentry, gardening, cars, photography, technology, etc. I had a great time doing all these things and more that I had very little time for when working. I've never been bored in retirement.

 

[frugal-one]

The beginning of each month I check senior center, library, arboretum, state park, local college to see what is going on. I have checked towns near me as well. It is amazing the free or low cost entertainment and have met many people and developed a variety of interests. Check around to see what peaks your interest.

 

[Tessie]

There is this website called meet up. I have no experience with it, but for ER folks under the traditional retirement age, it might be something.

"Meetup is a platform for finding and building local communities. People use Meetup to meet new people, learn new things, find support, get out of their comfort zones, and pursue their passions, together."

https://www.meetup.com/

I got involved with hiking with Meetup.com a few years ago. I would have never thought that I would enjoy hiking, but I enjoy it very much and I have met so many nice people over the years. No matter what your interest, you can bet that meetup.com has groups. It’s good to be with like minded people. I highly recommend it. It may take a few times to find the groups you mesh with, but you will. I consider myself to be somewhat shy with strangers but I’ve come out of my shell and made some good friendships because of Meetup.com.

 

[Vincenzo Corleone]

I retired at 50. For the first few years my wife was busy caring for her mother who had many health problems. I had many hobbies including carpentry, gardening, cars, photography, technology, etc. I had a great time doing all these things and more that I had very little time for when working. I've never been bored in retirement.

But I'm not bored, I'm longing for pals to have some laughs with during working hours - some social interaction. All my current hobbies that I do during the daytime are solitary.

 

[Amethyst]

Mine, too, so I know what you are talking about.

And my ideas of laughs aren't everybody's. Basically I am a word person. I see weird/funny-to-me twists on everything. Most people...don't. I will point out something that, to me, is so hilariously obvious that I simply must share it or burst. The other person will just look at me. Next thing you know, they are talking to some normal person who just wants to gossip. I will do a little bit of gossiping just to get along (and to learn about pitfalls) but soon get bored of it.

When you are at either end of any bell curve, it's always a bit lonely.

But I'm not bored.... All my current hobbies that I do during the daytime are solitary.

 

[Old Microbiologist]

Obviously everyone is different. I have daily contact with my wife and our gardener otherwise I don't talk to anyone else ever except a few friends and then maybe twice a month. But, I have always been this way. Working 40 years for the military you end up not making friends ever just superficial ones as you move so often it isn't worth trying to maintain relationships like that.

My wife used to be very social with many close friends. She is on Facetime with many every day and this seems to fulfill her needs for socialization.We are far away from everyone living in Hungary and here if you don't speak the language it is difficult and not too many Hungarians speak English. I speak German as do many in our region so I have no serious problems.

If I get bored I go out hiking or on a long bicycle ride. I good weather I have a yacht I take out for several hours sailing which is a great way to spend some time alone. Yes, winter can make that difficult so you hunker down and work on projects. I am always tinkering to build something creative. I also oil paint and am attempting to learn digital art as an alternative. I fly a drone and have tons of video clips assembled from various locations so now I am trying hard to learn Adobe Premiere so I can create some videos. I try and spend several hours a day studying things like that or doing something creative. When it gets frustrating I go onto my Playstation 4 and spend an hour or two "socializing" in multiplayer on line gaming shooting them. I am also writing a novel which is an enormous time killer. I cook Mon-Fri as my wife can't as she day trades on the US market. So, I tend to go shopping for whatever I need for the day's meals. Generally, I have very little free time and if that happens I read a book on my phone.

 

[powlusr]

Hobbies and Interets

For those of you who ERd before your spouse or those who are single and ERd, did you ever get lonely during the day? What, if anything, did you do about it?

For me, it is all about finding hobbies and interests I enjoy, and self improvement.

1. I started a small woodworking business and sell on Etsy. More for fun than for money. This included buying a laser engraver and learning how to use it.
2. I read 1-2 hours every morning when I first wake up.
3. I bought a Mavic Pro drone and fly it.
4. I bought a drum set and I am slowly getting back into playing (I did it full time in my 20'). I also bought an electronic drum set and learned how tp program it. I go to an open Mic a couple times a month and play there.
5. I am taking vocal lessons to finally be able to sing. A lifelong dream.
6. I do vegetable and landscape gardening, and grow herbs inside in the winter.
7. I spent a lot of time helping my aging father until he passed.
8. I finally had time to take physical therapy to correct some knee and back issues.
9. I spend one day a week with my granddaughters.
10. My wife and I take 2 vacations a year, usually to a Caribbean island.

I retired at age 58, and the last 6 years have been the happiest in my entire life. I am very busy doing things I love.

 

[Eagle43]

Community college here teaches lots of senior friendly courses, such as languages, card games, movie reviewing, creative writing, book clubs, internet basics,photo shop, etc. Most of these are easy (not for college credit). And you do meet a lot of people. Fifty years ago, I learned how to play pinochle in Japan. At the CC I ran Into players way better than I am. They're vets, so we swap war stories (lies) as we play.

 

[pdxgal]

But marriage is no guarantee against loneliness. For instance, I watched a video on loneliness in women over 60 recently, and the comments section was filled with lonely, married women. I also see many men talking about unhappy marriages. As Robin Williams said, "I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel alone."

This is what I was getting at in my reply to another thread/post where OP observed that women tend to start going downhill (physically) around 50. My sense is that many women are unhappy in their marriages, and at around 50 you start asking "is this all there is?" and the answer can be discouraging, especially if you're stuck in the marriage for financial reasons (which many women are). Being unhappy affects physical health.

 

[pdxgal]

Thanks to OP to raising this question, as it's an important issue for mental/physical health, and society. It's also something I think about a lot as I prepare for ER (class of 2020!) since I am single and although an introvert, I enjoy and need a fair amount of social interaction.
Lots of good suggestions here for folks like OP who are married.
For those who are single, another idea is to get a housemate. My grandmother did this years ago and it was a great thing for both her and her "roomer". He lived an hour away and wanted a place in town to stay while attending college during the week. He was a sweetheart who kept an eye out for my GM who in turn enjoyed doting on him with home cooking, etc. Before getting married I had a series of housemates (one at a time) and although we didn't ever become great friends it was nice to have someone to talk with and share the occasional meal. Now that I'm divorced I'm considering doing it again. Either that or Airbnb. During the summer I host bicycle tourists (via the warmshowers organization) and it's a great way to have some fun social interaction.

 

[teachme]

Serve Others?

Maybe get out and help others?
https://teamrubiconusa.org/story/

 

[denstl]

Luckily I play tennis and found a couple of groups of other retired guys who like to play. So 3 days a week we play tennis for a couple of hours. Afterwards we can sit around and have a cup of coffee before heading home. On my non-tennis days I work out at the same club so see a lot of the same people. Also volunteer up at our church which allows me to fill in whatever time I want.

I have a bigger issue when my DW is off work. She really messes up my routine. Tell her that all the time (with a smile on my face of course).

 

[Montecfo]

As a retiree I am a unicorn among out friends. And DW still works. So I do not need weekend or evening activities, we have thise.

I get together with working buddies for lunch during the week and am continuing to look for new opportunities to connect.

Hoping to do some day skiing this winter!

But I stay busy with my hobbies: hiking, biking, investing, home projects, travel and keeping up with nieces and nephews