Loneliness In ER

[nancyfrank232]

For those of you who ERd before your spouse or those who are single and ERd, did you ever get lonely during the day? What, if anything, did you do about it?



I'm struggling a little today. I found a Lions Club near where I live but



1) They meet at night (when DW is home and I already have companionship)

2) They're mostly an older crowd - past traditional retirement age with grandchildren and other things to occupy their time

Yes

When you’re young everybody is too busy working and raising their kids to hang out with you

Some people are loners. So are most seniors. I’m not

Use Meetup and Evenbright apps and get out there!

 

[Starsky]

How about a rescue dog or cat? Pets are awesome, loving companions who always make me feel less lonely.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

For those of you who ERd before your spouse or those who are single and ERd, did you ever get lonely during the day? What, if anything, did you do about it?

I'm struggling a little today. I found a Lions Club near where I live but

1) They meet at night (when DW is home and I already have companionship)
2) They're mostly an older crowd - past traditional retirement age with grandchildren and other things to occupy their time

We made friends with people who are older than us through senior clubs. The minimum ages to join the clubs are something like 50 to 55, though we're some of the few people who were actually that "young" when we joined. We live in a big metro area and every suburb has at least one senior club if not more, and the majority have various activities all week long. Most of our friends these days are 10 - 20 years older than us except for some who also retired early. We just have more in common with other retired people these days than we do with people our own age still working.

And we got a dog, have a lot of hobbies, family to visit, there's always never ending house projects, books to read and Great Courses to stream from the library.

 

[freedomatlast]

I'm never lonely. I'm every bit as busy now as when I was working full time. Shortly after ER, I stumbled upon a great part time hobby/j*b where I've met many great people. It doesn't pay a lot, but pay isn't the point. There is no set schedule and I can decide if and when I want to put in some hours. Some days I can't believe that there is actually a j*b that I like so much I would do it for free, but of course the extra dollars don't hurt either. Some weeks I work as much as 35 hours, but it doesn't feel like work at all. The days just fly by and every day is different. This probably isn't popular on an ER board, but it sure works for me.

In the spring, summer and fall, I spend time working on my vehicles, doing home repairs and getting out in the fresh air, biking and hiking as much as possible.

 

[Badger]

How about a rescue dog or cat? Pets are awesome, loving companions who always make me feel less lonely.

+1
This is a good idea if you like animals. I would suggest adopting an older pet, maybe one that had to be rescued when their owner died and is now sitting in a shelter cage and lonely too.
You could always start a dog walking business or pet sitting where you meet people and pets. You get to decide when, where, and who you take on as clients and set you own schedule.
Meetup is another good place to start. There are many many different kind of groups from motorcycle riding to quilt making and usually more than one of each. Try a few out. If one is not the group you are comfortable with then try another with different people.


Cheers!

 

[Rianne]

I've felt lonely in crowd of people. I've felt lonely with family and friends all around. I think one can feel lonely in any situation. It's different than being alone and enjoying it. I think the issue is feeling connected. I can walk alone for hours (in nature) and never feel lonely.
One idea: sit down and write your life story. Add some imagination. That's what author's do. Right? TromboneAl? I'm the only girl with 4 brothers. Growing up I was alone, alot. I had to invent things to do, reach into my imagination, learn to make friends on my own. People are not always the remedy for loneliness.

 

[street]

WOW! ^ that was very well stated.

 

[Midpack]

Don't you have any male friends to hang out with?

OP was talking about early retirement, so his male friends may all still be working. One of the challenges of ER. When you’re a 55 yo early retiree, you may not enjoy hanging out with 65 or 80 year olds.

Some people are loners/recluses so loneliness isn’t an issue, even uncomfortable in social settings. There are some here, their input may not be helpful.

Some people would rather be social all the time, they don’t like being alone.

Presumably most people are a mix of the two. I would hate all one or the other. I enjoy/need some alone time, but I’m happier if I socialize some too with friends and the world at large (strangers). And you have to join in and participate, put yourself out there - obviously getting together with others and keeping to yourself probably won’t help. YMMV.

For most people work fills some social needs, normally we don’t dislike all our co-workers (if you do, you’re likely the problem). And some people don’t recognize work was filling some of their social needs until it’s missing in retirement.

And though forums like this are mostly anonymous, there’s a social aspect to it. Not nearly as fulfilling as real world relationships, but something to pass the time. So if you’re lonely, post more...

 

[T-Minus]

I joined a gym, hired a personal trainer and bought a Peloton bike (3x/wk for weights, 3x/wk for Peloton, 1x/wk long hike with DW). That way, when DW is out riding her horses (several hours every day - sort of like a job), I work out. I’ve been at this for about 8 months now and have met several great people associated with fitness (and this helps re-enforce my new activity levels), am in or near the best shape of my life, and my BP/Cholesterol/etc levels are fantastic. When I started this regimen, it seemed like it was going to be a lot of hassle. It took about 1-2 months, and now it is a habit that I look forward to. And, I likely would not have met the people I’ve gotten to know either at the gym, while out walking, etc.

I also have started to prepare my own healthy food. This gets me out frequently (farmer’s markets, etc) and allows me to control what goes into the food I’m eating. While cooking is usually a solo activity, I’ve found some local cooking classes that are very social (some local specialty stores, local Junior College, etc). I’d never really prepared anything beyond BBQ, so this is a whole new world for me.

 

[pacergal]

There is a difference between loneliness and boredom.

Being an introvert, I do not have a problem being alone most of the time. I do like connecting with people, though. I have a regular lunch out with previous co worker, and other things throughout the month.

For your loneliness, I would look for groups to join or volunteer activities in things you are interested in, so you have the connection with people you may be missing during the day.

 

[Bamaman]

We were in a McDonalds last week on a dark rainy night. There was a gentleman of real retirement age in there helping himself to another cup of coffee.

He said that he drove a school bus, and never married. He now spends about 5-6 hours per day in McDonalds drinking coffee and just talking with anyone that comes in. It keeps him from being so lonely. The workers at McDonalds are more or less his family.

It was quite sad.

 

[SunBlueSky]

Loneliness happens, but right now I'm OK with it. I can see where I might need to be careful. I do though treasure my alone time.

I too treasure my alone time, but when I get lonely I'll go to my local baker where I am a "regular". Or I'll go visit my family or schedule an outing with an old school friend for the weekend.

Lately, I have gotten involved in a hobby which has a national group, and I am helping out as a volunteer for the conference.

In the past, I've taken some art classes which was really enjoyable - the group was small and met once a week.

 

[tenant13]

I'm a very weird case of an extrovert loner. I guess it just means that I love company (which seems to be reciprocated) but only in small controlled doses. Most of the time I prefer to be alone. The only exception is eating out. I do A LOT of solo traveling and I tend to meet tons of people all over the world when I do. It's kind of perfect because I don't need to worry about maintaining these friendships. An occasional text will do. I do have a lot of actual friends (some from high school days) but because I move around so much I see them infrequently. Oh, and then there's Grindr (I'm gay) and Tinder - yes, Grindr is a sex app but I was born to enjoy its superficiality. Tinder is more for dating. They work better than meet ups or internet groups because you meet someone with the intention of getting to know each other.

 

[ER Eddie]

I believe Tinder is basically a hookup app, too. I've never used it, but that's my impression from what I've heard/seen.

 

[mpeirce]

...The only exception is eating out. I do A LOT of solo traveling and I tend to meet tons of people all over the world when I do. It's kind of perfect because I don't need to worry about maintaining these friendships...

Similar to DW and I. We keep to ourselves most of the time, but when we travel we often make "travel friends" - especially on cruises we make friends with the folks we eat with.

I don't believe we've keep up with anyone after the trip though.

 

[tenant13]

I believe Tinder is basically a hookup app, too. I've never used it, but that's my impression from what I've heard/seen.

All these "social" apps are what you want them to be. They are just means by which you meet people (or chat if that's what you want); how those meetings look like is up to you and the other person.

 

[leftbucket]

Any friends who are in public safety or work shift work?

They may be free in the middle of the work day too and looking for someone to
hang out with.

All the best,
LB

 

[street]

With websites like this they can be a help with your social life. I have a few sites I visit each day and enjoy shooting the bull with them just like here. For me I think it takes away that lonely time when I have ideal time.

Find some interests and find a website and get involved with it.

 

[Amethyst]

I did considerable shift work; almost always rotating shifts (working different times of day or night).

Never had the energy to hang out. Always trying to get some sleep.

Any friends who are in public safety or work shift work?

They may be free in the middle of the work day too and looking for someone to
hang out with.

All the best,
LB

 

[target2019]

McDonald's. Dunkin Donuts. Etc. Try different locations.
Some Lions Clubs do socialize during the day. Look in your area for another club.

 

[ER Eddie]

All these "social" apps are what you want them to be. They are just means by which you meet people (or chat if that's what you want); how those meetings look like is up to you and the other person.

Well I guess it's a moot point (the nature of Tinder, that is), since I just noticed the OP is married.

 

[tenant13]

Well I guess it's a moot point (the nature of Tinder, that is), since I just noticed the OP is married.

Oh, I didn't realize... Not that I'm an expert in marriages or even LTR but isn't a purpose to be in one not be alone? On the other hand "alone" is not the same as "lonely"...

 

[Rianne]

Adding an eating out suggestion. My older DB lives in Ft. Lauderdale. When we visit we go to this popular local breakfast/lunch restaurant. There's usually a huge table (10-15) people eating breakfast. It's there every time we go there. DB said that table is for people who are alone and can sit/eat/chat with others who are alone and often they are regulars. I thought what an awesome idea.
Restaurant just keeps that table set up, sometimes not full but always there.

 

[street]

Adding an eating out suggestion. My older DB lives in Ft. Lauderdale. When we visit we go to this popular local breakfast/lunch restaurant. There's usually a huge table (10-15) people eating breakfast. It's there every time we go there. DB said that table is for people who are alone and can sit/eat/chat with others who are alone and often they are regulars. I thought what an awesome idea.
Restaurant just keeps that table set up, sometimes not full but always there.

That is a common thing for small town America cafes. It is a meeting place for all or anyone that wants to partake it solving the worlds problem or just to visit and listen. It is a wonderful thing for retired people and they are there at least a couple times a day for their social life kick.

 

[Rianne]

That is a common thing for small town America cafes. It is a meeting place for all or anyone that wants to partake it solving the worlds problem or just to visit and listen. It is a wonderful thing for retired people and they are there at least a couple times a day for their social life kick.

Ft. Lauderdale isn't exactly small town America, but the local neighborhoods are very small town. These neighborhoods are scattered throughout larger cities. Makes me think of ethnic neighborhoods in Chicago. Very tight knit, people look out for each other. They know when one another is traveling or their personal business. My DF moved to Evanston, IL (Chicago suburb) recently. She found a brownstone apartment near the lake (she's alone in her late 70's). The older community is active and welcoming. She found her niche of friends already. Her memory is not so good, but her energy is amazing.