Loneliness In ER

[Vincenzo Corleone]

For those of you who ERd before your spouse or those who are single and ERd, did you ever get lonely during the day? What, if anything, did you do about it?

I'm struggling a little today. I found a Lions Club near where I live but

1) They meet at night (when DW is home and I already have companionship)
2) They're mostly an older crowd - past traditional retirement age with grandchildren and other things to occupy their time

 

[Midpack]

Only in winter when I was cooped up inside, but I was lonely at times in Feb-Mar. The only solution I found was joining/volunteering for anything and everything I might be interested in to make connections (spouses and all my friends were at work) and stay active. If the activity didn’t work out, I’d just drop it. And some days I’d just go out to get out of the house. Unlike when I was younger and working, then I didn’t join anything I wasn’t sure about.

 

[RunningBum]

I tend not to get lonely in general as I like to have time to myself. I like some social interaction, so I'm likely to join people for a group run on weekends, or find some other get together.

Winter tends to be a harder time for many since there are fewer outdoor activities, but I ski, and the 3 people I ski most with are within 5 years of me. If I felt the need for year round companionship more often I'd have stayed with golf and joined the local golf group around here.

So my answer would be to figure out how to make the activities you enjoy more social. Like to putter around in your garden? Join a gardening club, or volunteer where your gardening skills would be helpful. That kind of thing.

 

[aja8888]

I have lots of retired male friends so if DW is gone to visit her relatives or in the hospital for a spell, as has happened, I spend day time with one or more of them. I'm gone most of the day even when she is here anyway.

 

[bloom2708]

Go to the library and check out 3 good books.

You are never lonely with a good book.

Flex those creative muscles. There are a ton of "free" things to occupy your time.

 

[tmm99]

I saw a pickleball thread the other day. Pickleball may be a good way to get out and socialize, with a bonus of physical exercise (if that's your thing...)

There seems to be various hobby clubs around in my area, so maybe you can find something of your interest in your area? Meetup.com may be a good place to start exploring. You can go check out different groups and there's no obligation to keep on going unlike volunteer work, so it may be worth a try.

 

[SumDay]

If you have a "cause" you're passionate about, maybe volunteering could fill that time? Like walking dogs, or a food pantry, or being a Lunch Buddy for a kid who needs a little extra attention? There are other volunteers at those places that are probably feeling the same way you do.

Good luck! You've received some great advice here so far.

 

[ls99]

Helps a lot to like one's own company. I do.
Long before DW passed away, after retirement I always left the house for several hours, go for coffee etc.. Long ago saw a cartoon where the wife said to husband: I married you for better or worse but not for lunch. Now go find something to amuse yourself with.
I also took decided to learn figeure skating over eight years ago, that takes up a few hours, three times a week in winter. Then go occasional "junk shopping" ie goodwill etc. and/or coffee shop browse magazines. As an aside, I rarely find any magazines worth buying.
Summers go kayaking. I also have a mancave/camp on 14 acres where I like to camp out at times for days, go for hikes or just admire the scenery and wildlife.
Also have a well stocked shop in the basement for tinkering with electro/ mechanical stuff and for fixing things that interest me. Garage is full of tools for time hwen I want to tinker with rubber wheeled vehicles.
Anotherwrords I get bored once every ten years or so for about five minutes.
Got rid of TV in all forms. Decided that anything that requires me to park my butt and watch some talking heads or actors is a horrific waste of my life.
Do like to research stuff on internet, latest curiosity was UV-A radiation effects on human body. Lots of NIH published research, good reading.
Alright, the is alll for now Someday I may write a novel, no hurry.

 

[Vincenzo Corleone]

Please note - I'm lonely at times, not bored. And I do enjoy my own company.
But every now and then I need companionship .

I guess I'll just keep looking for volunteer opportunities.

 

[HI Bill]

Please note - I'm lonely at times, not bored. And I do enjoy my own company.
But every now and then I need companionship .

I guess I'll just keep looking for volunteer opportunities.

Not sure where you're located, but check out the meetup groups.

https://www.meetup.com/cities/us


They have activity-based meetings for folks with specific interests (photography, hiking, eating out, etc.).

 

[aja8888]

Please note - I'm lonely at times, not bored. And I do enjoy my own company.
But every now and then I need companionship .

I guess I'll just keep looking for volunteer opportunities.

Don't you have any male friends to hang out with?

 

[street]

Not lonely at all in ER. If I'm bored it is my fault, there is plenty to do so I stay very busy volunteering, 2 board of directors I take part in, hobbies, ranch, hunting, fishing and hiking etc. etc.. I generally don't have time to be lonely. I also like to be alone and avoid people at all cost. I would rather do things by myself then with 2 or 3 others anyway.

Lonely not an issue.

 

[Amethyst]

It's funny, but some of my best friendships have been with people who generally kept to themselves (but decided, for whatever reason, that they liked to be with me).

Me, I like company, but I don't care if I'm with one other person or a dozen. It's all in the atmosphere we create together. Wacky and supportive, I'm in. Sarcastic and competitive, I'm out.

I also like to be alone and avoid people at all cost. I would rather do things by myself then with 2 or 3 others anyway.

Lonely not an issue.

 

[CyclingInvestor]

Never been lonely, do not understand being alone as a negative at all.

Now, dealing with other people, thats stress.

 

[Vincenzo Corleone]

Don't you have any male friends to hang out with?

They w*rk.

 

[jollystomper]

I have loner tendencies that DW says will serve me well if she goes before I do . I am quite happy being alone as long as I am busy. On days that she works I have more than enough to keep me occupied in the house with various projects. I can go out to the gym, golf (as long as the weather is above 40degrees and not windy), library, bowl, or just walk/jog and enjoy the sights at various paths/trails near us. If I want to "people watch" I bring my laptop to starbucks or panera bread or dunkin, grab a tea and something to munch on, and work on some fun (in my view) programming/design project while observing the folks coming in and out and staying (I have also had folks strike up conversations with me, and in one case helped someone working on a grant proposal). There are 3 senior centers within 15 minutes of us that have various activities and surprising are not very crowded much of the time.

Most of my good male friends are still working, but if they have a day off they will let me know and we'll get together and do something.

DW will be cutting back on her part time work to just one day a week next year after May. SHe is not worried that I might get lonely now, she is more worried that I might fill my schedule and exclude her. Not a chance!

 

[timo2]

There is this website called meet up. I have no experience with it, but for ER folks under the traditional retirement age, it might be something.

"Meetup is a platform for finding and building local communities. People use Meetup to meet new people, learn new things, find support, get out of their comfort zones, and pursue their passions, together."

https://www.meetup.com/

 

[Elbata]

Loneliness happens, but right now I'm OK with it. I can see where I might need to be careful. I do though treasure my alone time.

 

[ER Eddie]

In addition to meetup.org and volunteering, you might also consider attending a small group at a local church, even if you're not a believer. Note that I'm talking about a small group, not a service/mass. Churches are invariably filled with nice, friendly people (or at least people trying to appear nice and friendly). I'm not talking about a bible study, unless that's your thing, but about a more general group offering more open discussion. You don't necessarily have to be a believer to benefit from the friendly, supportive atmosphere.

Another option is OLLI, if they have one in your town. Oscher Institute of Lifelong Learning, that is.

Book club, maybe? I've tried them and found them less than satisfying, but maybe you'll have better luck.

Re. the volunteer thing, I think that's a great idea, although I haven't had much luck with that yet myself. Theoretically, you should be able to come together with other like-minded and kind/friendly people, to work for a cause that matters to you. Sounds good on paper, anyhow...

I have a dog, and he helps a lot. I'm an introvert and very comfortable alone, but I love dogs and can't imagine living without one at this point.

Making new friends in retirement is a challenge. I think it's particularly difficult for men. It's something I'm working halfheartedly on myself. I need to make some new friends in retirement, to replace the ones I lost at work. I don't feel motivated most of the time, though, because I am enjoying my leisure and don't get lonely often. But I know the dangers of isolation, so I get myself out there periodically.

I think about proximity. Proximity is how most of our connections and friendships are formed. It's common sense, really. We connect/befriend the people who we come into contact with regularly, i.e., the people we are around. So it's a matter of finding places that you want/like to hang around, and showing up there regularly.

Cheers. I know this is an issue many people deal with, so thanks for raising it.

 

[Dtail]

Pickleball has been my relief, plus I handle all my parents/DGF/DB investments and total finances which does take up some time.
Nevertheless, I just never feel bored, even when doing nothing. I feel blessed not to have to work and perhaps still in the retirement honeymoon phase at 2+ years.

 

[Aerides]

Another option is check out local art museums - they may offer workshops and classes, often one-off's or once a week over a 6-8 week period. Pick something you are interested in, and you already something in common with the other attendees.

 

[W2R]

Frank retired three months after me. So, when I first retired, I made a rule for myself that I *had* to get out of the house every day. Each day I'd go to the gym for an hour or two, or sometimes I'd go shopping.

I didn't feel lonely, but then I am an introvert who enjoys her "alone time".

 

[jollystomper]

Another option is check out local art museums - they may offer workshops and classes, often one-off's or once a week over a 6-8 week period. Pick something you are interested in, and you already something in common with the other attendees.

This reminds me of something I have yet to take advantage of. In many counties in the U.S. the classes offered by the local community colleges are tuition free for seniors (that can vary from 55 to 60, check with your local counties). You may have to pay the class fee but that is usually much less than tuition. My county offers both "regular" classes that you can take with those working towards the degree (if you do not want the credit many will let you audit the class) and "continuing education" non-credit classes designed for those in the workforce or retired.

 

[Ronstar]

I’m never lonely. I spend countless hours in my workshop alone. I normally hike or bike alone. I generally don’t see DW (or few other people) from 9 to 5. Hobbies tend to eat up a lot of my time. My advice to anyone who gets lonely - fill your day with hobbies.

 

[street]

^ I agree great advice.