Seeking suggestions in ending a difficult "friendship"

[MarieIG]

I agree with Frankie's Girl #22 above.

 

[EastWest Gal]

I like the JADE acronym too. I have a plan now thanks you all. Since I plan to cut off all but unavoidable contact, I plan to return the money with her flutes. It feels more fair. DH agrees.

I’ll probably send an email or letter about leaving my flute group soon after. Honestly, any reasonable person wouldn’t want to be in the group at such a distance. No long reasons, no JADE, just that I worry about her driving safely on truck-packed I-78 and I-81 from the Newark vicinity. If she genuinely want to know more, I’ll consider replying.

Bagpipes. I never liked bagpipes. An annoying instrument, in my life played badly by an annoying person.

 

[donheff]

I like Jerry's approach better than any of the ghosting approaches. Ghosting could drag things out interminably. Telling her you want to step away from the relationship because the visit was far too stressful provides some clarity about your intent. After that if she pesters you, ignoring her or simply saying, "no thanks," to any requests simply confirms the initial notice.

 

[gwraigty]

I'm trying to figure out a way to make the change clear without triggering worse psych problems in her.It isn't as if I see her all the time, it's just a few times a year.

People are always moving on. It's not ghosting if it isn't a close relationship.

This isn't on you. She's unstable to begin with.

 

[gauss]

Maybe FedEx the flutes and the check (with appropriate insurance and tracking)to her.

Also include a short note about not being able to continue a personal relationship at this time (if there ever was one). Perhaps mention that messages left will not be returned.

Take your time to compose what message you want to send and how you want to phrase it. Then that should set the baseline expectations for her going forward.

-gauss
p.s. I shared an office with a coworker with Bipolar Disorder whose symptoms were not always under control . Very stressful for me. I always tried to be kind to him, but definitely did not like the situation. This went on for about 10 years until I FIRED at 47. This likely contributed to my decision to call it quits.

 

[EastWest Gal]

Flutes delivered, money repaid. Step one done.

I’ll wait a bit then send an email asking her to step away from my group, with some logical reasons not entirely related to the real problem.

 

[Gulfbeach]

Flutes delivered, money repaid. Step one done.

I’ll wait a bit then send an email asking her to step away from my group, with some logical reasons not entirely related to the real problem.

Good for you!

 

[Dtail]

Flutes delivered, money repaid. Step one done.

I’ll wait a bit then send an email asking her to step away from my group, with some logical reasons not entirely related to the real problem.

You're on your way.

 

[Scuba]

Flutes delivered, money repaid. Step one done.

I’ll wait a bit then send an email asking her to step away from my group, with some logical reasons not entirely related to the real problem.

Yay! Well done.

 

[Vacation4us]

You don’t need to be friends with her.

Returning the money was a great idea as she didn’t hit your sons car. Only you can control your behavior.

Asking her to leave the flute group is a little extreme in my opinion. Why should she leave? If it’s uncomfortable for you why don’t you leave the group?

You don’t want to be her friend. Done. Don’t be her friend. Her behavior however inappropriate is on her, your behavior and choices are yours.

 

[11522914]

Try not to take this the wrong way...but at some point, you need to start acting like an adult. The fact that this has been going on for waaaay too long is your problem.

Cut ties with this person. Stop trying to be her friend. She will eventually stop coming to whatever band practice you're both in. If she keeps showing up and you cant stand up for yourself and tell her how it is...find somewhere else to play your instrument in. Thats just how it will have to be, unless you can stick up for yourself and tell her to take a hike and that you're essentially cutting all ties.

+1

 

[gauss]

Flutes delivered, money repaid. Step one done.

I’ll wait a bit then send an email asking her to step away from my group, with some logical reasons not entirely related to the real problem.

Celebrate the wins!

 

[EastWest Gal]

You don’t need to be friends with her.

Returning the money was a great idea as she didn’t hit your sons car. Only you can control your behavior.

Asking her to leave the flute group is a little extreme in my opinion. Why should she leave? If it’s uncomfortable for you why don’t you leave the group?

You don’t want to be her friend. Done. Don’t be her friend. Her behavior however inappropriate is on her, your behavior and choices are yours.

It’s my group. I founded it.

 

[EastWest Gal]

I sent an email to the adults in the group regarding a rude incident at our concert I did not witness. It turns out she was at fault for this too.

At least she recognized her bad behavior, as did others.

She sent me an email offering to resign from the group. Makes it easy for me.

Big win.

 

[omni550]

I sent an email to the adults in the group regarding a rude incident at our concert I did not witness. It turns out she was at fault for this too.

At least she recognized her bad behavior, as did others.

She sent me an email offering to resign from the group. Makes it easy for me.

Big win.

Yay!!!

omni

 

[Jerry1]

She sent me an email offering to resign from the group. Makes it easy for me.

Big win.

I hope you accepted her resignation immediately. Sounds like you did.

I recall working with someone that was ultra nice but had issues. She resigned (she reported to me) and I was stupid enough to talk her out of it. My heart got in front of my head. A couple years later I had to fire her. She and our corporate HR made that a very difficult proposition. Never again did I try to talk anyone out of leaving. Some people left for promotions and others left for what I considered poor reasons. Neither mattered. I shook their hand and wished them well. Lesson learned.

Enjoy your new group. I bet most everyone will be glad this episode has come to an end.

 

[EastWest Gal]

She has emailed me twice since I ended it. Sounds self-righteous. Time for ghosting, I think.

 

[FrankiesGirl]

She has emailed me twice since I ended it. Sounds self-righteous. Time for ghosting, I think.

Yup. Block her emails or have them go right in the trash file, and block her phone numbers. You've made it clear enough, she's just trying to get the last word now. So let her scream it into the void where it belongs.


I'm curious about the incident that you didn't witness in the last meetup that upset others in the group tho. So does that mean the the rest of the members will be relieved she's no longer part of it as well?


.

 

[EastWest Gal]

I was unloading the car. She rudely pounded on the church door. It’s likely I’ll get the silent treatment. I hope so. I can send her email to the junk folder. I won’t block her number unless she turns abusive.

 

[ivinsfan]

She has emailed me twice since I ended it. Sounds self-righteous. Time for ghosting, I think.

I wouldn't even call that ghosting, you took the high road. This poor lady illustrates perfectly the difficultly of living with long term untreated mental issues. Virtually all their contacts with other people turn negative and the more they lose contacts, the harder they try to fix things or justify themselves.
It's a vicious circle. And its also not your problem....she's going to end up alone and even more angry.

 

[gwraigty]

She has emailed me twice since I ended it. Sounds self-righteous. Time for ghosting, I think.

Yes. Though some people still will not take "No" for an answer. Stand firm and be strong.

 

[Lvus101]

Tell her the truth as you will never regret it. Be kind and honest but sit her down and lay it out. No one likes to he lied to. She might just understand.

 

[HenryD]

As some have suggested, kindness and honesty is the way to go. I've found the book "Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad to be helpful. It's mostly focused on closer relationships than this one, but pertinent.

It does sound like your former friend might have BPD, a condition that's overwhelming my family and threatening my FIRE right now. Reading the OP breaks my heart a bit, as it might be my DW's future if her current therapy fails. Be firm, and be grateful it's someone you can disconnect from relatively easily.

 

[Maidensong]

This topic made me think of our D-I-L. She also has BPD and we never know when we visit how we'll be received depending on where she is in her pendulum swing. (One reason we always get a hotel room and offer to take them out for meals instead of expecting to stay with them.) But when she's in the right place, she's a thoughtful, funny, thoroughly likeable person. It's sad that people with mental illnesses are blamed for their own sickness in ways most with physical ailments are not.

However, the OP is not responsible for her "friend's" issues. Do you perhaps know any of this woman's family members who might need a heads up about her condition? Perhaps one of them will step into the situation and get her the help she needs.

 

[EastWest Gal]

She is already regularly seeing a psychiatrist and is on meds. I do wish the pyschiatry world would focus more on counselling, since meds do not treat personality disorders. Fortunately, I haven't heard a thing since last week.

Mental illness is a difficult thing, because it tends to directly harm friends and family in a way that physical illness doesn't. If a person has psoriasis, he takes meds and deals with skin and joint issues. If he has antisocial personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder, he might pull a gun on a neighbor because of a barking dog.

I think I've managed to successfully extricated myself from her. I've heard nothing in a week.