Seeking suggestions in ending a difficult "friendship"

[EastWest Gal]

I'm asking this in this forum because I've seen how helpful you all have been with similar questions asked by others. My story:

I have a "friend" I can no longer tolerate. We met a couple of years ago, and she has been playing in my flute choir-we meet 8-10x/year. She lives in NJ and I am in PA. She is a compulsive talker, giving her unsolicited opinion on everything and anything all the time. She blurs boundaries. She has ADHD and I suspect borderline personality disorder. Last June, her incessant talking caused her to rear-end someone while I was a passenger and yelling at her to stop. She plowed into the other car with considerable force, completely failing to apply brakes. I was injured, fortunately with just severe seatbelt bruises.

My flute choir played a concert on Sunday. I asked her to come an extra day early because of her tardiness. She brought two WEEKS of clothes (for 3 nights) in a giant suitcase, her flutes, and BAGPIPES. Did I say, BAGPIPES? Even though I sent her the FLUTE music by email weeks ago, she never printed it out or looked at it. She asked me to print it out when she arrived at my house. Outside of dress rehearsal, she refused to practice more than an hour.

Sunday, while I was changing into concert clothes 15 minutes before we needed to leave for the concert, apparently she took out her BAGPIPES and walked up the street playing them. When I finally found her, I called out that we needed to go, and she got upset because I “yelled” at her. In my haste and anger, backing out of the garage, I sideswiped my son’s car in the driveway. Fortunately the damage was minor-just the sideview mirror. That really fueled my already short fuse. On the way there I ranted for the first 5 minutes about the inappropriateness of her disappearing with her bagpipes, then said I was done talking, did some meditative breathing exercises, focused on driving, the concert, etc. She was in near tears, playing the victim, all the while, not accepting her own self-centered behavior.

She left Monday. Again sleeping in until 11AM. She spent 30 minutes looking for her driving glasses, which took me 1 minute to find. DH brought her gigantic suitcase down the stairs and we helped load up her stuff and off she went. I headed to the gym immediately after she left. She insisted on paying for the car damage and gave me a check when I left. Five hours later she discovered she left two flutes at my house and texted me.

DH and I are driving to NJ anyway this week. She will get her flutes back then.

After mulling this over for the past 24 hours, I know that I have to cut off the relationship. I plan to return the money she gave me for the car damage.

I welcome any suggestions on how to end this relationship. It looks like I will see her tomorrow.

 

[Amethyst]

This poor creature has serious problems. I think you are patient to have put up with her. I would tell her that you have decided that you are not a good match and should go your separate ways. She won't like it, but be firm. Good luck.

 

[Jerry1]

I’m not saying this is the best thing to do, but what I would do is give her the flutes and her check back and in that conversation say something to the affect that you will be taking a break from seeing her given how stressful this past few days have been. Then, I’d never talk to her again. I guess they call that ghosting. Again, not saying it’s the best thing to do, but you’ve decided to let her go, so, to me, there’s no point in any level of confrontation. Just let her know you’re upset over what happened and be gone.

Decisions are a great thing. You’ve made one, now implement it and move on. You’ll feel better immediately.

 

[Dtail]

I’m not saying this is the best thing to do, but what I would do is give her the flutes and her check back and in that conversation say something to the affect that you will be taking a break from seeing her given how stressful this past few days have been. Then, I’d never talk to her again. I guess they call that ghosting. Again, not saying it’s the best thing to do, but you’ve decided to let her go, so, to me, there’s no point in any level of confrontation. Just let her know you’re upset over what happened and be gone.

Decisions are a great thing. You’ve made one, now implement it and move on. You’ll feel better immediately.

Like this idea. It is okay to sometimes take an easier way out.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I agree with Jerry. But it also sounds like due to the band you will see her sometimes. If she suggests getting together or staying at your house just say you are too busy.

 

[aja8888]

I agree with Jerry. But it also sounds like due to the band you will see her sometimes. If she suggests getting together or staying at your house just say you are too busy.

This!^^^^

 

[Senator]

Just don't call her. If she calls you, you do not have to invite her anywhere, or accept an invitation.

Why make it difficult for either you or her? You meet many people everyday that you give or get the same treatment.

 

[joeea]

I welcome any suggestions on how to end this relationship. It looks like I will see her tomorrow.

Ask your children or younger friends about the term "ghosting".

Meanwhile, make an excuse not to see her tomorrow.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

Just don't call her. If she calls you, you do not have to invite her anywhere, or accept an invitation.

Why make it difficult for either you or her? You meet many people everyday that you give or get the same treatment.

That's what I do. I had someone call me around 9 times with invitations I and just kept saying I was busy. I thought after 9 times I might have to actually say something more definitive, but it seems like 9 was a charm. I will usually invite someone once or maybe twice, but after that if they don't say something like I'm busy Saturday night but how about lunch on Thursday, I just take the hint and move on.

 

[candrew]

OP, I can't help but laugh at the thought of your 'friend' walking down the street playing a bagpipe solo when she should have been dressed and ready for a concert. That is some serious disconnect going on. You couldn't make that sh*t up!

As another poster suggested, "ghosting" this individual might be the best approach.

 

[ivinsfan]

What a sad story on several levels. It sounds like a short relationship based on a common interest. Don't have her as a house guest and do not drive her or go in her car. But I wouldn't say you are busy, I would say you can't be around her anymore due to her behavior. Be honest with her, she is having problems but I doubt you can or should be the one to help her with them. But you never one know when a comment from the right person can help someone on the road back to health.

Unless you are willing to leave the group you will obviously be seeing her. You'll have to see what happens when you are together for group events.

It's a messy situation for sure....

 

[ponyboy]

Try not to take this the wrong way...but at some point, you need to start acting like an adult. The fact that this has been going on for waaaay too long is your problem.

Cut ties with this person. Stop trying to be her friend. She will eventually stop coming to whatever band practice you're both in. If she keeps showing up and you cant stand up for yourself and tell her how it is...find somewhere else to play your instrument in. Thats just how it will have to be, unless you can stick up for yourself and tell her to take a hike and that you're essentially cutting all ties.

 

[TrophyWife]

yes, if she asks to stay, just say, it wont work out this time. And repeat the same phrase if she asks again. I would not give any details or make any excuses. She may not take the hint but that's okay. You can have good boundaries for you. You do you.

 

[Sojourner]

I agree with Jerry. But it also sounds like due to the band you will see her sometimes. If she suggests getting together or staying at your house just say you are too busy.

+1

It will do no good, and only cause hurt feelings, to tell her you don't want to be friends anymore due to her erratic, annoying behavior. People with personality disorders generally don't recognize or accept that they're the problem and thus can't/won't do anything to change their behavior.

The best approach is to just avoid her to the extent possible, and decline any and all invitations or overtures from her by saying you're busy. If she texts, calls, or emails you, don't respond. She'll eventually get the message.

 

[Pellice]

Consider, you have ALREADY cut ties with this person mentally. Can you imagine going through this anxiety every time you need to think about seeing her? I like Jerry's suggestion above, that you need to take a break from being stressed out - say the check is one of the items stressing you out, and since there are two of you, that you have to get going to your next destination. As for ghosting, I don't think it deserves its bad reputation so much. The alternative seems to be that hideous "it's me, not you" conversation. I would 10x rather be ghosted.

But Jerry's advise was very good. Drop off the flutes and run.

 

[Moemg]

I am sure she knows she is annoying so I would not add to her misery by telling her . I would ghost her.She will eventually get the hint .

 

[HI Bill]

Run, don't walk, away from this person. She needs more help than you should need to give, as a friend. Give back the $, then make a clean break.

I once had a friend who came to visit. He had employment/motivation issues, mental health issues, big marital problems, was morbidly obese, etc. I liked him during my college years, but as the years went on, he became more and more of a train wreck. After he left my condo dirty (no details provided here, don't want to gross people out), I unfriended him on FB, and told him via email that I would no longer be in contact with him. It was a bit sad, but surrounding yourself with positive, sane, and self-sufficient people, can be a much healthier way to live.

 

[EastWest Gal]

Thanks for the help

Consider, you have ALREADY cut ties with this person mentally. Can you imagine going through this anxiety every time you need to think about seeing her? I like Jerry's suggestion above, that you need to take a break from being stressed out - say the check is one of the items stressing you out, and since there are two of you, that you have to get going to your next destination. As for ghosting, I don't think it deserves its bad reputation so much. The alternative seems to be that hideous "it's me, not you" conversation. I would 10x rather be ghosted.

But Jerry's advise was very good. Drop off the flutes and run.

Your advice is very good. That is my plan. I am also returning the money for my son's car and she has only a short time window herself, so it should be easy. I'll probably bump into her at the New York group, but there are 30 people in that group, so I'll get busy socializing with others.

She'll be out of my group, but she figure that out on her own, as I'm remving her from the email list.

She has visited only about 3 times, but this time was awful. She had committed to the concert months ago.

To the person who said I need to grow up--that is an unhelpful, and off base. I'm the one trying to be the grown-up here. I'm not thin-skinned, yet that was a disappointing post.

I'm trying to figure out a way to make the change clear without triggering worse psych problems in her. It isn't as if I see her all the time, it's just a few times a year.

People are always moving on. It's not ghosting if it isn't a close relationship.

Last, in spite of everything, the concert was amazing.

 

[Letj]

Seeking suggestions in ending a difficult "friendship"

I'm asking this in this forum because I've seen how helpful you all have been with similar questions asked by others. My story:



I have a "friend" I can no longer tolerate. We met a couple of years ago, and she has been playing in my flute choir-we meet 8-10x/year. She lives in NJ and I am in PA. She is a compulsive talker, giving her unsolicited opinion on everything and anything all the time. She blurs boundaries. She has ADHD and I suspect borderline personality disorder. Last June, her incessant talking caused her to rear-end someone while I was a passenger and yelling at her to stop. She plowed into the other car with considerable force, completely failing to apply brakes. I was injured, fortunately with just severe seatbelt bruises.



My flute choir played a concert on Sunday. I asked her to come an extra day early because of her tardiness. She brought two WEEKS of clothes (for 3 nights) in a giant suitcase, her flutes, and BAGPIPES. Did I say, BAGPIPES? Even though I sent her the FLUTE music by email weeks ago, she never printed it out or looked at it. She asked me to print it out when she arrived at my house. Outside of dress rehearsal, she refused to practice more than an hour.



Sunday, while I was changing into concert clothes 15 minutes before we needed to leave for the concert, apparently she took out her BAGPIPES and walked up the street playing them. When I finally found her, I called out that we needed to go, and she got upset because I “yelled” at her. In my haste and anger, backing out of the garage, I sideswiped my son’s car in the driveway. Fortunately the damage was minor-just the sideview mirror. That really fueled my already short fuse. On the way there I ranted for the first 5 minutes about the inappropriateness of her disappearing with her bagpipes, then said I was done talking, did some meditative breathing exercises, focused on driving, the concert, etc. She was in near tears, playing the victim, all the while, not accepting her own self-centered behavior.



She left Monday. Again sleeping in until 11AM. She spent 30 minutes looking for her driving glasses, which took me 1 minute to find. DH brought her gigantic suitcase down the stairs and we helped load up her stuff and off she went. I headed to the gym immediately after she left. She insisted on paying for the car damage and gave me a check when I left. Five hours later she discovered she left two flutes at my house and texted me.



DH and I are driving to NJ anyway this week. She will get her flutes back then.



After mulling this over for the past 24 hours, I know that I have to cut off the relationship. I plan to return the money she gave me for the car damage.



I welcome any suggestions on how to end this relationship. It looks like I will see her tomorrow.

A little compassion is needed. She has adhd and so does my daughter. Nothing you describe surprises me except the walking down the street playing a bagpipe by herself. That sounds a little nuts so she might have other accompanying mental health issues. Of course, it’s up to you to decide with whom you want to be friends. However, I suggest you approach her delicately because this won’t be the first time she is rejected.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I think you are trying to end it kindly. Good luck.

 

[RunningBum]

I'm trying to figure out a way to make the change clear without triggering worse psych problems in her. It isn't as if I see her all the time, it's just a few times a year.

How about something like "I found your visit very stressful. I don't know if it's because of me or you, but in any case we won't be able to work together in the future. Best wishes."

No need to go into her issues, just what affect it had on you, with the two of you being together.

 

[FrankiesGirl]

You don't have to JADE. That's a nice neat little acronym: Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.

Just stop engaging going forward, no moves to initiate any interactions on your part, and be polite by distant in any encounters/contact she tries to make with you.

Return the flutes, return the check if that's really going to make you feel beholden to her. Tell her you're super busy, no time to chat, here's her things and you put the check in the bag with flute as you don't need her to pay for the car damage. Gotta run, bye!

And then going forward, do not answer any phone calls. Only texts (no getting caught "live" so they can get you worked up or stuck feeling like you need to make excuses) And any and all texts/voicemails should be a short text: a polite "no, thank you" to any requests like: Hi, formerfriendname, I can't get together/host you overnight for X thing/go out. So sorry, but it's not a good time. Take care!"

Any "but whyyyyyy" or "did I do something" from her get a variation of: "no problems, just super busy!" or "no, we're fine, just life is crazy right now!"

If you don't give her anything to work with, she can't try to demand/complain. She'll get bored trying eventually if that's all she gets from you.

Tell her hi if she makes a point to come at you at an event, and chat for a minute - about HER (just ask her how she's doing and don't share a thing going on with you because she'll not catch on you're not sharing YOURSELF any more), but after a set chat time, then notice a friend you need to talk to, have to go to the restroom, go get something to drink, remember you need to call a friend at a specific time that just passed - "hey, it's been great chatting with you but I gotta go ask Susan about a thing and I need to do it before I forget! Take care!"

Or if you really just want to be DONE with her, just stop responding completely to any calls/messages/emails/texts (but if she's the type to invite herself over to stay at your house, may want to still tell her no - bad time by text). If she tries to talk to you at some rare event you're both attending, distant polite stuff and then excuse yourself as above.

You don't have to spend another minute thinking of excuses: you're busy, and have no time for her. Period.

 

[trumpeting_angel]

I like the acronym, JADE! It can be pretty simple. As you’ve indicated, she won’t receive any more notices about your flute group. And you don’t have to JADE if she asks why you don’t call or respond to her. “Not right now; maybe some other time.” Or just, “I’d rather not.”

While she may be vulnerable psychologically, she also seems impervious to her impact on others, except when you blew your gasket. I suspect she will wander off and find other victims.

Bagpipes. Huh.

(ETA: I’m Frankie’s girl, too!)

 

[Letj]

You don't have to JADE. That's a nice neat little acronym: Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.

Just stop engaging going forward, no moves to initiate any interactions on your part, and be polite by distant in any encounters/contact she tries to make with you.

Return the flutes, return the check if that's really going to make you feel beholden to her. Tell her you're super busy, no time to chat, here's her things and you put the check in the bag with flute as you don't need her to pay for the car damage. Gotta run, bye!

And then going forward, do not answer any phone calls. Only texts (no getting caught "live" so they can get you worked up or stuck feeling like you need to make excuses) And any and all texts/voicemails should be a short text: a polite "no, thank you" to any requests like: Hi, formerfriendname, I can't get together/host you overnight for X thing/go out. So sorry, but it's not a good time. Take care!"

Any "but whyyyyyy" or "did I do something" from her get a variation of: "no problems, just super busy!" or "no, we're fine, just life is crazy right now!"

If you don't give her anything to work with, she can't try to demand/complain. She'll get bored trying eventually if that's all she gets from you.

Tell her hi if she makes a point to come at you at an event, and chat for a minute - about HER (just ask her how she's doing and don't share a thing going on with you because she'll not catch on you're not sharing YOURSELF any more), but after a set chat time, then notice a friend you need to talk to, have to go to the restroom, go get something to drink, remember you need to call a friend at a specific time that just passed - "hey, it's been great chatting with you but I gotta go ask Susan about a thing and I need to do it before I forget! Take care!"

Or if you really just want to be DONE with her, just stop responding completely to any calls/messages/emails/texts (but if she's the type to invite herself over to stay at your house, may want to still tell her no - bad time by text). If she tries to talk to you at some rare event you're both attending, distant polite stuff and then excuse yourself as above.

You don't have to spend another minute thinking of excuses: you're busy, and have no time for her. Period.

I really like this suggestion. I think this is a great way to let someone down gently, especially someone with issues. No need for explanation. This is surely not the first time she has gotten in trouble for her behavior. She will know exactly what’s happening.

 

[Elbata]

I am sure she knows she is annoying so I would not add to her misery by telling her . I would ghost her.She will eventually get the hint .

Most agree to make up some excuse. Why not be forthright and tell her you don't like her and don't want to be around her?