the horror of family vacations

[Amethyst]

Which is why I added the next sentence, about crossing into bullying. We all know how that feels. I've been reading advice columns all my life, and the one thing they always tell people is to speak up when your feelings are hurt.

If you don't speak up, the hurters can go on thinking they're only teasing. If you speak up, and explain why you don't like it, and they blow you off (likely) and continue their BS, at least you have put them on notice. The next time, you can speak up a bit more strongly.

Or, in really hard cases, you just fail to show up next time for your expected ration of abuse.

This was a bone that my MIL picked with my SIL until MIL recently passed away. While it may be funny, or gentle teasing, things like this get a little old after 30 years, and especially if there tends to be a single target. And it's worse when you are captive in the same house for a week.

 

[48Fire]

Which is why I added the next sentence, about crossing into bullying. We all know how that feels. I've been reading advice columns all my life, and the one thing they always tell people is to speak up when your feelings are hurt.

If you don't speak up, the hurters can go on thinking they're only teasing. If you speak up, and explain why you don't like it, and they blow you off (likely) and continue their BS, at least you have put them on notice. The next time, you can speak up a bit more strongly.

Or, in really hard cases, you just fail to show up next time for your expected ration of abuse.

SIL disappeared for the most part

 

[MichaelB]

Ok- so my parents pay for lodging at a fantastic destination every other year. We are responsible for getting there and a meal, and spend a week enjoying the destination and (theoretically) each other. Here is the problem I've found- its disorienting trying to fit back into our family roles- as slblings and children after we've all been head of our own households for 20 years. I'm 46, my brother is 50 and my sister is 42. We have all become incredibly different- myself especially. I find myself the black sheep at these gatherings and I frankly dread them, but can't refuse for a number of reasons. And to make it worse, there is always a lot of alcohol involved which makes everything a little more volatile. I'm not sure what I'm asking. My husband always insists after leaving these occasions that I must have been switched at birth, but I can't help feeling that its somehow my fault I can't seem to fit in. Oddly I LOVE hanging out with his family? Any advice?

UGG, you’re 46; I’m 65, and I bet we could swap get-together stories all night long, make each other laugh - and cry. I have more because I’ve been [-]suffering through[/-] doing that longer than you have. Let me assure you that family [-]dysfunction[/-] dynamics ages like badly stored wine. As time passes it just gets more acidic and eventually becomes pure vinegar - and not the good kind.

You cannot make the moving parts work together when they do not want to. If you think you can, you create an expectation that will only be dashed next time you get together. Best to give up on that front, do what Gumby does, (which is what I try to do) and be super extra special nice to your spouse for putting up with it. While you’re there, finding a way to be too busy with other things to spend more time with the dear siblings may work.

I find George Ezra’s latest hit to be helpful in a situation like this.

 

[48Fire]

UGG, you’re 46; I’m 65, and I bet we could swap get-together stories all night long, make each other laugh - and cry. I have more because I’ve been [-]suffering through[/-] doing that longer than you have. Let me assure you that family [-]dysfunction[/-] dynamics ages like badly stored wine. As time passes it just gets more acidic and eventually becomes pure vinegar - and not the good kind.

You cannot make the moving parts work together when they do not want to. If you think you can, you create an expectation that will only be dashed next time you get together. Best to give up on that front, do what Gumby does, (which is what I try to do) and be super extra special nice to your spouse for putting up with it. While you’re there, finding a way to be too busy with other things to spend more time with the dear siblings may work.

I find George Ezra’s latest hit to be helpful in a situation like this.

I agree with all of this, and I forgot to mention to stay close with your significant other as much as possible. I try really hard not to leave DW and mom in same room alone

And I am 57. Agree that it has gotten worse, unfortunately. As people age, they tend to migrate towards their tendencies, not all of sudden change one day.

 

[MichaelB]

I agree with all of this, and I forgot to mention to stay close with your significant other as much as possible. I try really hard not to leave DW and mom in same room alone

And I am 57. Agree that it has gotten worse, unfortunately. As people age, they tend to migrate towards their tendencies, not all of sudden change one day.

Wow, how could I forget that critical item - never leave spouse alone with family member.

 

[ugeauxgirl]

My DH is an absolute saint about all this- he kicks me under the table when I am not to respond to a comment, asks me to get him another drink (or whatever) when I need to leave the room, or suggests sitting on the porch when a change of subject is in order. He manages to remain detached and I can't. BTW, everyone LOVES my DH, no worries there, but even he is ready to come unglued by the end of this.

I have given the impression that I quietly put up with all this which is not true (hence the kicking under the table). I don't put up with direct abuse, but then there are overheard comments and innuendos... The idea of it makes my stomach hurt.

Excellent suggestion about daytrips my sibs won't want to come along to...

 

[audreyh1]

Here is the problem I've found- its disorienting trying to fit back into our family roles- as slblings and children after we've all been head of our own households for 20 years. I'm 46, my brother is 50 and my sister is 42. We have all become incredibly different- myself especially. I find myself the black sheep at these gatherings and I frankly dread them, but can't refuse for a number of reasons.

You do not have to fit back into family roles. You can refuse to be treated as a child by your parents or siblings. You can refuse to be engaged by childish behavior.

I came to see my parents as ordinary people and them me as an adult as I had to be more assertive about a situation in my late twenties. After that our relationships let go of old patterns and it was much better.

Comments and innuendos are reflections of other people, not you.

 

[USA]

Some look back on the days as fun. Some not so much. In retrospect I believe my parents were building memories. The times on the island, the times near the old homestead. I smile. All of us flying in/out and overlapping at some point. I believe now as a grandparent they enjoyed it more than us. My parents paid for degrees or home down payments for their grandkids. They weren’t wealthy, but smart and LBTMs. My Sis endured the visits/vacations to many times. She split from the family. Her H was a real ass.

Some of us fit in, in limited amounts, some barely at all. Wonder had we all been more flexible would we sibs all been together standing at their parents graves?

FWIW I’ve seen the behavior occur often in the 40s and the ramifications in the 60s. All our family vacations were alcohol free. (DH family? Everyone’s in the sauce.)

Horror is a strong word, in my family it was beyond grief. It happens. I do wish you freedom of your own values, financial comfort and peace.

 

[USA]

I just remembered one time my Dad is in his speedos (in his 60’s) to swim. I cover my face at the thought, bust up at the memory and shake my head. Let me tell ya with my DH that ain’t ever happening on my watch!

 

[Lcountz]

Living Stingy: Norman Rockwell Moments

Hi Ugeauxgirl...try this link hope it works!!!

My 95 YO mom (born 1921) spent the last years of her life wishing us three kids, in our 60s/70s with vastly different lives and separated by miles, could "get along" like she and her brother did long ago...."talk, laugh, be "civil" and keep the topic light!!!! Be "nice" to each other!!!!! You only have one _________fill in the blank."


I now realize that when she was young, there was no instant-everything that I think helps drive people insane today. EVERYONE is wrapped up in thier own worlds, beliefs, etc. They don't talk, and worse, they don't/can't LISTEN.

I could NOT spend a week with my family under ANY circumstance. I HAD a boyfriend who always wanted to spend a week with HIS sister. While I was still working and had limited vacation time off. NO WAY.

Notice I said "had" that boyfriend!!!!!!

 

[Teacher Terry]

I could easily take vacations with my parents but my sibs it was no fun. I tolerated it for a number of years until at age 50 had enough. At that point only my Mom was still alive and rarely we we all go at the same time to visit and we would only overlap by a few days. When it was obvious my Mom was dying we all went home to spend xmas with her because that was her favorite holiday. One of the fw things we could agree on was politics so that was a safe bet. Once she died so did our relationships with each other. I never hear from my brother and my sister and I email. I only see her if I go back home to see my friends. Then we will spend a afternoon together. I don't think not enjoying your sibs is that unusual.

 

[Sunset]

OP - How about seeing your parents separately and tell them you won't be coming to the next "family" thing, so don't book a room for you.
See who you want in your family separately, and skip seeing the rest until they are in the ground.

Don't worry about what they might say about you , as I'm sure they say lots about a lot of people all the time.

 

[Souschef]

In a sense, time and distance have solved a lot of those problems. Both my parents are gone, All my in-laws are also.
The one event that stands out for me was being in my sister's house with my mom after my dad's funeral. The two of them (especially my sis) were talking and i could not get a word in edgewise. I suffered in silence until my mom asked me a very intrusive question. That was the last straw.
My response was admittedly rude. I just said ,"none of your business"

 

[daylatedollarshort]

If you have shared your FIRE plans with your family, their teasing you about being frugal may be kind of a self defense mechanism as they might in reality be jealous of your plans and self control with money. We have noticed the people from the senior clubs are more laid back because almost everyone in the clubs is retired so there's no FIRE envy. But we did have some weird reactions from people our age who were / are still working.

 

[Tom52]

My parents are both gone. I'd give anything to spend time with them again.


Fortunately, I get along with my siblings, even though we are different. So maybe I'm jaded.



Just remember, this may be the last time you see mom and/or dad.

Well said. Family members sometimes don't always get along, but deserve a bit of slack. I know my parents would have been really hurt if I would not make time for them if they offered a paid vacation for the family. I would never have disappointed them that way.

 

[Scuba]

I think a good compromise would be to offer to spend one-on-one time with your parents - ie, could a vacation with just parents be planned and would you enjoy that?

 

[albireo13]

How about you agree but, keep it to 3 days. You just can't do a full week.

 

[ponyboy]

Its unfortunate that most family members just cant get along. Life is too short and being in conflict just isnt worth it. Although we're taught from a young age that conflict is good so its no surprise so many people hate each other.

 

[CountryGal]

As an observer, this has been a great thread. Nice to know I am not alone and other families have severed ties without guilt. My bro hasn't had a conversation with me since my parents passing. We have nothing in common except our childhood. I have seen a bit of my past in each of the quotes. Especially the relationship changing depending on the spouse. So true.

Love the drama quote! Will have to check out the Capitan Awkward web site!

To OP.. make sure you get time with Mom and Dad. Their time is short.

 

[Amethyst]

Yet another reason to be glad my parents didn't have money. No family vacations for us!