Too much togetherness

E

education

Recycles dryer sheets
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Apr 2, 2004
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159
I have, over the years, come to the realization DW and I do not get along well in extended periods of time together. In fact, there are times when even brief periods are hard to take and usually end in fighting, arguing and just upsetment.

So my question is: If any of you are in my same boat, how do you cope and get along? Divorce is not an option as we live in a community property state and I'm not about to split hard-earned assets, no matter what.

Your thoughts and suggestions will be most welcome. I worry about when I retire and have no job to run to.

Professor
 
Life is too short to be miserable.

No job to run to... Keep yourself busy with activities and volunteer work.

I am trying to get more involved in the community that I never had the time to pursue while raising my kids and keeping the food on the table. Making new friends can be a challenge but keeping the old friends can be rewarding.
 
Professor, I feel your pain.

If you figure out what to do, please PM me!

One thing I will say is that it is awfully easy to get lonesome in a situation like this. You have a spouse; but you don't want to bite the bullet, so you adjust.

But things can get pretty bleak, and you (and your wife too) really need some love in your life that is not connected to anxiety.

Ha
 
Have you thought about getting counseling? Sometimes just being able to pinpoint problem areas can help solve them. Forever is a long time to be unhappy.

I haven't had to use this technique on DH, but I have on my dad and it really works:

Think about all the nice things that you love about your wife (her good qualities whether current or in the past - what made you fall in love with her), really dwell on them. Smile at her whenever you see her and think of something positive to say. You will "trick" your mind into a positive state and your wife will respond to your kind actions/vibes and act similarly towards you thus turning your fake positive into a real positive feeling.

Try it!
 
you have to keep working at this. and remember

IF AT FIRST YOU DONT SUCEED , TRY TRY A GUN
 
Professor said:
I worry about when I retire and have no job to run to.
Click to expand...

Don't retire? (seriously :-\ )

My parents were divorced when I was in my early 20's. Was not a surprise only that it didn't happen earlier. My father had a "relationship" (on the side) for 10+ years; my mother/he fought constantly when they were together (not because of his philandering, but they just did not get along).

The "realization" (e.g. divorce) came about when his father passed. I think he realized that he did not want to continue the situation, as it was at the time, and life/time was "fleeting".

The result? He married "his mistress". My mother remarried several years later, which I believe is a much happier marriage (of course, who actually knows what happens "behind closed doors").

If this is a "serious issue" (and it must be in your mind, to bring it up here), I would suggest, as others have suggested, counseling.

Hope you make it, but if you don't, remember that you can't put $$$ on happiness. Some people are happy with little; others are unhappy with much. Just remember that...

- Ron
 
It's hard to gauge these things from a forum message, but if the OP is serious in his observations (as opposed to exaggerating to make a point), it has a fairly ominous ring to it for the future happiness of both parties.

Counselling or divorce (despite the financial wreckage it entails) may be the only way for either party to have some happiness in FIRE. Bottom line: see a very good counsellor. Tomorrow.
 
What Rich said. I'd recommend seeing a GOOD counselor, on your own if need be. (Good luck trying to tell the difference between a good and mediocre counselor ahead of time; you pays your money and you takes your chances.)

It is a terrible choice if you have to choose between being FIRE'd and being happy at home. That choice is one of my greatest fears and there are times when it feels like it may be just around the bend. (DW & I are in counselling now; it's too soon to say where this is leading.)

It is a real tragedy that one mistake can throw off a lifetime of working, planning, and saving. It's almost too depressing to contemplate, but that's reality.

The way I see it, the possible paths are: 1. fixing your marriage (if possible), 2. finding outside sources of social interaction through work, volunteering, or hobbies and putting up with a less-than-happy home life, or 3. giving up on the marriage and dealing with the emotional and financial consequences. Probably in that order.

Good luck.
 
Professor, you say divorce is not an option because of the cost in the loss of assets. Unfortunately, as you well know, it takes only one person to decide to divorce. You spouse may make the decision for you.

I know a couple where one person periodically talks about divorce but they stay together. They have a number of children and one works at a very good paying job. One would like to go to counseling, the other refuses. There is plenty of money and plenty of unhappiness.

Some people seem to reach some accommodation in their marriage even if they don't get along that well. I remember my maternal grandparents--they had separate rooms in their home and basically went about their lives separately. I know of another elderly couple where the husband spent most of his time at the family hunting shack. Seems rather depressing.

Counseling can lead to a better marriage or can lead to divorce. But not going to counseling can lead to divorce as well. There are no perfect answers.
 
67% of all divorces are initiated by women..........so I have but one question:

What is your wife's feeling on your realtionship? Find out, or you may get some papers delivered that will surprise you......... :'(
 
Based on casual but extensive observation, I'd say many marriages are to some extent a variation on this theme. Maybe the stereotypical "soul-mates" relationship is actually only a small minority. However, who am I to say what's "normal"... :p
 
Martha said:
I remember my maternal grandparents--they had separate rooms in their home
Click to expand...

Not to make light of the current subject, this statement struck a note.

My DW/me have separate "sleeping quarters", but due to her snoring "problem" (I never snore - at least I never hear myself :D )

CutThroat - a good subject for a separate thread?

- Ron
 
I'm sorry for your sadness. Nobody deserves to live in discomfort, or worse, just for the sake of money. I thought that this was the whole point of early retirement -- to pursue your happiness independent of financial considerations.

You've made me wonder, though, about how many of us are holding on to our money, and suffering for it, right now.

In your case, you have essentially said that you cannot or will not pay what it will cost you to leave a bad relationship. In my case, I am not ready to pay what it would cost to leave a stultifying job (though I'm getting closer every day). I'm sure there are other areas of life where folks are not willing to sacrifice resources to end the pain.

But I wonder if that's the wrong way to look at it.

Several years back I was in a bad relationship myself. I hesitated to leave due to the costs involved. Had I NOT left, however, I would not have met my NEW significant other. Things are not perfect here but he is wonderful, amazing, and someone I see as being in my life forever. To put it shortly and bluntly, I traded up. WAYYYY up.

Not incidentally, my ex has just remarried, and I am delighted for him. That's four people, right there, who have found new love and happiness because one person decided that money wasn't worth living for the rest of her life without real love.

Rather than look at what it might cost you to exit this relationship, Professor, can you ask yourself what you would PAY to meet the love of your life and live together with her for the rest of your life? How much would that be worth?
 
Caroline said:
In your case, you have essentially said that you cannot or will not pay what it will cost you to leave a bad relationship. In my case, I am not ready to pay what it would cost to leave a stultifying job (though I'm getting closer every day). I'm sure there are other areas of life where folks are not willing to sacrifice resources to end the pain.
Click to expand...
At least the stultifying job has an end in sight. A stultifying marriage with divorce off the table is a life sentence. Like others said -- seek counseling today!
 
Complicated is not identical to stultifying. Professor has always seemed even tempered and upbeat. Maybe it is more like what another poster said- lots of lasting relationships especially legally married ones involve some degree of accommodation. There are plenty of posts here, esp. from men, who between the lines let us know they are walking a pretty tight line. One adapts, but sometimes it gets a bit too tight.

Maybe that tends to be life. If you are good at finding pleasure and satisfaction, you will one way or another. If you aren't, you likely won't.

What do the Buddhists say? All is samsara?

OK by me. As long as the world is full of people doing all their interesting and often beautiful things life will be well worth living. :)

Ha
 
HaHa said:
What do the Buddhists say? All is samsara?
Click to expand...

Another Buddist teaching comes in handy in marriages/relationships: Letting go of your ego. Alot of us type A's identify ourselves with being right and in control all the time. If we could just learn to go with the flow more and not dwell on being right all the time then we could all be happier in general and with our spouses in particular.
 
Just wanted to add: I totally understand the worrying about too much togetherness, I worry about it too even though DH and I get along most of the time - I don't want that to change.
 
shiny said:
Another Buddist teaching comes in handy in marriages/relationships: Letting go of your ego. Alot of us type A's identify ourselves with being right and in control all the time. If we could just learn to go with the flow more and not dwell on being right all the time then we could all be happier in general and with our spouses in particular.
Click to expand...

Shiny, you are so right. Get a couple of control freaks together and the situation quickly gets tense, or comical if you can see it that way.

Neither I nor my wife has ever worked in a hierarchy. We are used to making our own decisions. For some reason, when we were rearing children we naturally fell into a comfortable division of domains. When the kids moved out, that became less stable.

Ha
 
I recall going to a retirement planning program hosted by my former employer, the presenter (from OPM) said that retirement is a major stressor on marriages.

Over all these years each of you had a sphere that you 'owned', now she may feel that you will be in her sphere. I recall that my Mother retired because when she came home at the end of the workday Dad had made a mess of the house. In the past his space was the yard, basement and garage. Now he was meddling in her territory and she needed to defend it.

How about finding a family counselor (maybe there is one who is associated with your employer) to talk about this next phase of your life.
 
mathjak107 said:
i can see her point.......

boy there are some sicko's out there
Click to expand...

i agree with you. this guy was nuts... warm beer... ugh. :D
 
Professor,

Your post hit a chord with me - I've found out through experience that having the right person with you is more important the money. The stress and strain on you (as well as them, sometimes) can shorten your life, make you resentful, unhappy and possibly mean to the other people around you. The sense of relief I had once I removed myself from an unhealthy relationship was enormous...I also vowed I would never get seriously involved again...fast forward a few years - I believe I've found someone who is a great partner who shares my goals and values...so much so that I am willing to forgo my (at times very ambitious) career goals to quit and follow him---and he would do the same for me. We enjoy 'just being together.' What a difference - it was worth it (lost a bit of money ending the previous relationship). Plus, you can make the money up quickly if you put your mid to it.

As the others said, go to counseling to see if this is worth staying. In the end it is truly up to you and what you want in life. For a zenlike saying: it's not about you but it's all about you....how someone reacts to you many times isn't about you, but how you react is about you....

Regards - Deserat
 
Professor
An optimistic comment:
Did you notice that many here have said that their relationship(s) improved dramatically after retirement due to overall decrease in job related stress.
If you are not that far from ER you might want ot try a prolonged sabatical and see how it works? Certainly better financially than a divorce. And reversible too!
PN
 
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