Having children.

[Sarah in SC]

Warning, kid cult members with shovels (love that analogy for religious folk)...trying to convince the rest of us!  
Danger Will Robinson!  Hey, and we LIKE the shallow end of the gene pool!

 

[73ss454]

73,

It works both ways. 

I know some people with kids who also wonder if they made the right choice.

We are very happy with our choice.  Not everyone is happy with theirs.  I have great sympathy for them, for they have a lot of pain.  (Some of it looks like pure luck to me, too, so I hesitate to take credit for our success.)

Ed,

As long as your happy that's all that counts.

What I'm saying is that you can't know if you would have been happier.

 

[linkerbink]

Here's my 2 cents worth...female, age 59, widow, NO KIDS by mutual choice. I was harassed plenty about not wanting/having any kids (never by my family, though...they knew how I felt). My college roommate flat-out said I was "selfish" for not wanting any. I said it was more selfish to have kids you didn't really want simply because society said it was "normal" to want/have them. She also tried the "who will take care of you in your old age?" thing. Believe me, I know plenty of people whose kids would stick their parents in a home rather than take care of them themselves.

Fortunately, I recognized early on that I didn't have the interest or patience required to be a good mother. There are enough children out there who are suffering for being born to parents who never should have had kids.

Even though I'm "alone" now (for 14 years), I don't regret the choice one bit! So, it comes down to...what do you want (or not want, as the case may be)?

 

[Ed_The_Gypsy]

73 quoth:

What I'm saying is that you can't know if you would have been happier.

True. I don't worry too much about 'the road not taken', though. If I did, I'd have a break-down, considering some of the dumb stuff I have done. You pays your money and you makes your choice and you get on with life.

 

[bongo2]

"As long as your happy that's all that counts."

Totally disagree. I don't know if I could disagree more. I decided to have children (or more children) after realizing that it isn't really all about my happiness. Yes, there is joy from raising children, but it goes way beyond that. For me anyway.

 

[Glo]

We raised three boys and I love them all dearly; BUT, if I were to go back, I'd make the choice to be child free. One thing to remember--you'll always be worried about them no matter how old they are or what they are doing in life. Currently, DS2 is about to go through a divorce; DH and I are so hurting for him we can hardly stand it (he's 29). Just my 2 cents.

 

[CyclingInvestor]

CyclingInvestor,

What did you think of Landis yesterday?

Best ride in decades. For a GC contender (barely) to break away on the first
of 4 climbs, stay away, catch the lead group, blow it apart, and win by 5 minutes
is incredible. The only contender for most amazing ride recently was Lemond
beting Fignon in the time trial on the final day to win the tour by 8 seconds,
but I think this one wins because of what happened the previous day.

 

[Leonardo]

I think it is very clear that everyone can be happy, having a child or not. It all depends about how you feel about parenthood.

As it is obvious from the post, I´m still undecided. However, at least I know now that there is happiness for a couple whithout children, if there is what they really want to.

 

[sgeeeee]

Some of this discussion seems pretty silly. Someone who does not have children can't know the happiness of having them. . . . Okay. But surely a couple that chooses to have children can't know the happiness of maturing and growing old without the distraction of children.

Many people who have children tell me it's the greatest thing in their lives. I believe them. Some people tell me that serving in the military was one of the greatest things that ever happened to them. I believe them. I've had people that told me that Alien was the best movie they ever saw and that it changed their lives. I believe them. But none of that means I would feel the same way. What a silly notion -- that we all would feel exactly the same way you do.

 

[MikeD]

BUT, if I were to go back, I'd make the choice to be child free.

MANY, MANY, people have told me that, including my own mother and we weren't terrible kids.

Mike D.

 

[youbet]

  What a silly notion -- that we all would feel exactly the same way you do.   

Gosh sgeeeee, that's about the most meaningful comment that's been posted on this board!  What a concept!  We might not all feel the same way about something.......

Well stated.  Thanks!

 

[Arif]

Something about societal pressures and having children. We waited 5 years after we got married to have a child. When we got around to having a child the next question was "When are you having another one?" My new response is "it's about quality not quantity."

 

[segfault]

My new response is "it's about quality not quantity." 

I like that one--I'm an only brat child.

I also don't think I would be happy raising children--I'm sure it is the right choice for others, but for me, personally, I can live a happier and more fulfilling life without them.

 

[Arif]

I like that one--I'm an only brat child.

I am an only child too. My son is already learning to use his imagination when no other kids are around. Occassionally he'll draft me into watching Bambi 2 for the 10th time.

 

[astromeria]

Kids add both joy and stress to your life. They shape your life, like your spouse does and your work and hobbies and even thought processes. A life with children isn't more "full" than a childfree life--it's just full of somewhat different things. It would be like saying a life with work is more "full" than early retirement (perish the thought!).

I can't explain how proud, yet how stressed I feel when my daughter works in Africa. Her longest trip ever is coming up--10 months in Zambia researching the quality of their democracy. Alone except for translators she will hire for tribal villages. Occasionally I wish she were an advertising executive or starving artist : After she visits us in late August, I won't see her again until we meet at Victoria Falls next year...Dr Livingstone, I presume?!

 

[Nords]

I can't explain how proud, yet how stressed I feel when my daughter works in Africa. Her longest trip ever is coming up--10 months in Zambia researching the quality of their democracy. Alone except for translators she will hire for tribal villages. Occasionally I wish she were an advertising executive or starving artist  :

I hate it when we teach our kids to be inquisitive, independent, and to follow their dreams.

And then the little ingrates do exactly what we taught them to do with no regard for our own personal comfort level...

 

[yelnad]

I'm 32 and DH is 36. This is a second marriage for both of us and we have been married for 4 years. We definitely want children, but wanted to spend some time together as a married couple first. Mom seems to think that the longer we wait, the less we'll want them. She doesn't give up.

 

[astromeria]

I hate it when we teach our kids to be inquisitive, independent, and to follow their dreams.
And then the little ingrates do exactly what we taught them to do with no regard for our own personal comfort level...

Very well put! I know I wish there were more like her--and like my son the science teacher. But I'll be sweating whenever I don't hear from her for a couple of days. I can't imagine the stress of the parent/spouse of a serviceperson in a war zone--puts me to shame.

Seriously, maybe this is one reason why some parents give their kids a narrow focus: to keep them from straying into emotionally or physically threatening territory.

 

[Nords]

Mom seems to think that the longer we wait, the less we'll want them. She doesn't give up.

Tell her that you interpret her nagging as meaning at least 14 years of free childcare...

 

[Ed_The_Gypsy]

Now that we have gotten past the serious stuff, I am reminded about what Robert Heinlein said about raising children [he had none himself]:

When they are born, put them into a barrel and feed them through the bung hole.

When they turn 18, put a cork in the bung.