High costs of weddings...and going into debt?

[Westernskies]

Thanks for all of the advice....My high school girlfriend and I are getting very close again...I ended up moving in high school and a lot of stuff happened in between....I havent asked her yet but it is very much moving that way...maybe in a year or 2...

BTW, I guess I wouldnt be going into debt since I have never been married and late 30s and LBYM, but spending 20k is a major deal breaker for me, for sure...My impression is that it would be for her, too since she left megacorp a few years back for a lower paying job that is much more service oriented working with kids and is looking for a used Honda Civic right now since her existing one has almost bit the dust...

Congratulations ! - I married my old high school girlfriend twenty-five years later. We really tried to make things work then, but like a lot of kids, weren't able to sustain a long-distance relationship when I went away to college, and her family moved out of state. We ended up marrying other people- her marriage lasted 10 years, mine 16. I looked her up on a business trip (mutual friend was working on the high school reunion, and gave me her contact information) We got back together 7 years ago, both older, a lot wiser, and more appreciative of the relationship (how many people get a second chance?) than we were in our teens.
We just celebrated our 5th anniversary; when people ask how long we have been married I tell them 5 years- but it would have been 30 if she had said yes the first time.

Definitely take the time to re-establish the relationship. You are both different people than you were in your teens. But, if she is OK with LBYM, bacon, and FIRE, you may have grounds for a great relationship.

OBTW, I threw financial reason out the window and splurged on the ring- 1.67ct - but if I amortize the aforementioned 30 years against the current outcome, it turned out to be a great return on investment. Like I said, emotion trumps reason nearly every time.

All the Best to the both of you, and keep us posted!

 

[Keim]

I fully intend to steal this idea. Your FIL is a genius.

I thought that I appreciated the wisdom of his approach at the time. Now that I have two young daughters, I really appreciate the approach. My FIL is a LBYM Yoda. I, too, will be doing similarly.

 

[Moemg]

I gave my daughter $10,000 and I bought her dress . They got a little money from his parents and had a great wedding . A hundred guests at a great restaurant overlooking a lake . I also gave them my engagement ring which they had restyled . Her florist came up with a great idea . All the flowers that were in the church went in vases at the restaurant . It saved money and looked great since it was bouquets of red roses .

 

[Tempesta]

You're rich parents or you guys got rich parents

 

[CCdaCE]

<snip>

I did spend a bunch of money on her engagement ring. Nice 2.xx carat asscher cut. Its on our homeowners insurance in case of loss or theft, so no worries there...

The ring is as important as her face, if you're a visual person, like me. You're going to have to look at both for as long as you're together, so, for me, it was important to splurge on the ring. HEY! I'm not saying she is bad looking, either.

As far as the original [-]party[/-] wedding, I barely remember anything good or bad, it's only been seven years, too. I didn't plan much, I didn't pay for much of it, either. I didn't consider it my day much, all I cared is that she was happy. Don't know or care what that says about me.

If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't have had someone else spend so much.

Like Rodney Carrington says, "she asks what do you think about my dress, my hair, my panties? ... blah blah blah". Then he says, "I don't care, woman, just make sure there's beer and whiskey afterwards".

-CC

 

[FUEGO]

A little surprised though at how many people had help from their parents for the wedding expenses...

Just to clarify my parents' help on the wedding. They paid for the cruise ship for us in lieu of a wedding gift and as a graduation present for me graduating from grad school and as a thank you for not having to pay for undergrad or grad school. I think it was $1600 or $1800 that they paid.

 

[SLC Tortfeasor]

I'm getting married in less than a month. Although we had originally said we wanted a very small, low-key wedding, things have gotten out of control. We're paying about $11K altogether for the wedding, and probably another $11K for the honeymoon.

Ouch. But you only live once, right? We won't be going into debt to pay for any of it, but I can sure think of a lot of great things that could be done with $22K.

 

[CitricAcid]

I'm getting married in less than a month. Although we had originally said we wanted a very small, low-key wedding, things have gotten out of control. We're paying about $11K altogether for the wedding, and probably another $11K for the honeymoon.

Ouch. But you only live once, right? We won't be going into debt to pay for any of it, but I can sure think of a lot of great things that could be done with $22K.

Just dream about all that compound interest.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Thanks for all of the advice....My high school girlfriend and I are getting very close again...I ended up moving in high school and a lot of stuff happened in between....I havent asked her yet but it is very much moving that way...maybe in a year or 2...

BTW, I guess I wouldnt be going into debt since I have never been married and late 30s and LBYM, but spending 20k is a major deal breaker for me, for sure...My impression is that it would be for her, too since she left megacorp a few years back for a lower paying job that is much more service oriented working with kids and is looking for a used Honda Civic right now since her existing one has almost bit the dust...

We are going to want details as your relationship continues! Go for it--time's a'wasting.

She doesn't sound like she will want to spend megabucks on a wedding--although she will probably want to include the kids she's working with as guests .

 

[CuppaJoe]

So I have recently had reason to think about this a bit How have folks resolved this including for guys buying rings and the cost of the weddding itself...I have casually heard people go into major debt on this issue... How does being frugal fit into this or does it not?

If you want to be frugal about this, never, never agree to pay for an open bar! Don't ask me how I know.

Congrats, Maddy. I take it that she adores dogs? Best wishes.

 

[Razor]

Big weddings are right up there with tattoos when it comes to wasting money.

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Wow. Wedding tattoos. Why hasnt anyone else ever thought of this?

Everyone gets the bride and grooms name and the wedding date on their posterior.

Gosh darn it, its practically genius!

 

[Khan]

Wow. Wedding tattoos. Why hasnt anyone else ever thought of this?

Everyone gets the bride and grooms name and the wedding date on their posterior.

Gosh darn it, its practically genius!

Makes as much sense as any of the wedding "traditions".

My wedding cost about $500; 5 people at the service. My mother (found out 2 months later) gave us matching t shirts from the Pink Pony Pub. Got wedding pictures for free a month later because we were "such a cute couple" the company wanted to use us as an advertisement.

I think I'll sell the ring along with some other stuff now that gold has been near $1000.

 

[Razor]

Makes as much sense as any of the wedding "traditions".

My wedding cost about $500; 5 people at the service. My mother (found out 2 months later) gave us matching t shirts from the Pink Pony Pub. Got wedding pictures for free a month later because we were "such a cute couple" the company wanted to use us as an advertisement.

I think I'll sell the ring along with some other stuff now that gold has been near $1000.

Back in the 70s and 80s many of my friends had huge weddings and there was a direct corelation. The more the wedding cost, the shorter the marriage. I always felt bad for the parents for they spent their retirement savings on their spoiled kids.

 

[Westernskies]

Back in the 70s and 80s many of my friends had huge weddings and there was a direct corelation. The more the wedding cost, the shorter the marriage. I always felt bad for the parents for they spent their retirement savings on their spoiled kids.

Maybe there would be a correlation between the size of the tattoo and the length of the.........marriage.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Makes as much sense as any of the wedding "traditions".

My wedding cost about $500; 5 people at the service. My mother (found out 2 months later) gave us matching t shirts from the Pink Pony Pub. Got wedding pictures for free a month later because we were "such a cute couple" the company wanted to use us as an advertisement.

I think I'll sell the ring along with some other stuff now that gold has been near $1000.

Khan, cool--we had a total of 10 (including priest, dh and me) two days after DH finished his army service. Dinner afterward was probably <$200 back in 1972 for all of us. Good times.

 

[Martha]

Maddy's got a girlfriend, Maddy's got a girlfriend. . .

We got married after living together for a few years. Went to a judge I knew, brought along Greg's bro, the bro's wife and my sis and did the deed. Bought two cheap rings from a pawn shop.

Greg's brother and his wife gave us a food processor which we still use today. Told his parents and they sent us $500, so we made money.

 

[Walt34]

Numerous studies have shown a direct correlation between the cost of the wedding and the shortness of the marriage. Severity of the divorce is also directly correlated to wedding cost.

My speculation is that many marriages fail due to financial issues and folks willing to spend fat 5 figure amounts on a wedding may not be very good at subsequent financial decisions.

This does not surprise me. Wife #1 was enthused about spending every nickel I had on the wedding and honeymoon to St. Thomas - neither parents had much, I had about $6k in 1978, a lot then. It "went against the grain" for me to do that but I was told by all the females in my family that I should quit being a tightwad and splurge. The marriage ended five years later when I refused to take out a loan to go on a trip. I love my sisters, but I ignore their advice since then.

In 1988, wife #2 was happy to find a wedding dress at J.C. Penny for about $150, we spent about $1,500 total on wedding & honeymoon (Deep Creek Lake in MD) but I owned a house and was still in the "house poor" stage. The 30th of this month is 20 years with her.

 

[ladelfina]

no no no .. go for the open bar.. just invite fewer people (and ones you really want to have a good time with). The advantage of "older" people's weddings, or second weddings, is that I think no one expects the full-court press anyway, so you can 'get away with' a more modest affair that is more to your personal tastes.

We got married in 2000 at 40/41. Ring was a gift from MIL. We requested no gifts; donations to CCF or similar. I did go for a handmade dress ($1k?), nice flowers, live music, and kick-ass meal for 45-50 folks. What took it over $10k was putting most of them up for 2 nights in a B&B, but I would do it again tomorrow in a heartbeat. The B&B setup for the guests gave everyone (including me) time to relax and mingle.

Maddy, best wishes! (but don't go into debt, pleeeease!).

What I would say "counts".. good food and spirits regardless of venue. I would take local bbq shack catering in the VFW hall over iffy Marriott chicken.
Counts: bride has a COMFORTABLE dress (so she can dance! I specified this!)
Counts: people who are there want to be there and YOU want them to be there. Resist pressure to invite obscure relatives, parental friends, etc.
Counts: minimal/no "orchestration" by photographers, videographers and planners. All you will need are a few choice photos, as after the first couple months no one will ever look at any video coverage. If necessary, hand a digicam to a couple of trusted friends for "cinema verité"-type spontaneous footage. Eschew ANYthing that requires extra lighting (we did this by having a mid-day ceremony and a lonnnng sit-down lunch in a nice setting).
Doesn't count so much: honeymoon.. we did a Med. cruise which was OK but too regimented. We could have spent 1/4 the sum on just a 3-day 4-star weekend someplace special and been happier.

We didn't have a planner or hotel arrange things; we relied on the caterer to give us tips on the best venues and local services. [Is that Italian or what? Ya gotta start with the food and go from there.. ]

 

[Ronstar]

We eloped to Milwaukee in 1982. I think we spent around $1500 for the wedding, rings, wedding dress, flowers, photographer and honeymoon combined.

 

[Sue J]

It was 1976 and we were both 21, just finishing college. We wanted a simple, low key, low stress wedding. But my parents were paying for the wedding, and doing all the planning. I think my dad said it was $3000 or maybe $5000.

I wanted to get married at their house but when they made the guest list and insisted on inviting everyone they knew or "owed" a wedding invitation to it became clear that it would have to be at a catering hall. I was away at college and after too many trips home to make decisions about stupid details (stuffed mushrooms or cream cheese puffs) I let them do whatever they wanted. All I really wanted was that we could invite about 20 of our friends and make it all legal.

My engagement ring was my husband's grandmother's white gold diamond ring, which she gave to him for me. We bought our own wedding bands, very inexpensive. Mine needed to be a very narrow simple white gold band to sit next to and slightly under this beautiful engagement ring from 1925. Very special! I've always loved it. My wedding band was under $50, hubby's was maybe $75. Luckily, we like simple stuff.

I wore my sister's wedding dress and changed the color of the ribbon from blue to yellow. This was not because of money, I just liked the dress and after trying on many others, I realized I already had what I needed.

For our honeymoon, my FIL gave us a week in a condo in Vail, CO. It was owned by the hotel company that he worked for. September in Vail was very off-season, so the place was empty. We drove from Ohio to Colorado in a VW beetle, camping on the highway in Kansas one night, staying in another company hotel another night.

I'm not the type of girl who grew up dreaming about her wedding day. I didn't want the fairy tale, princess wedding. I got the wedding my parents wanted, what they felt other people expected. Kind of sad, but they were paying and doing the planning. In the end, I felt like it was their wedding, we were just the main act.

Even on my wedding day, I didn't care about being the center of attention. Really, I did it for my family and for my husband's family.

If we had been older/wiser/had money of our own I would have done it very differently. I would have been married at a courthouse with immediate family only and then made a small, fun party that reflected who we are and what's important to us.

Luckily, every moment after the wedding has been better than I expected. The marriage is happy, healthy and we're doing great. It will be 32 years in September.

I hear about these weddings that cost $30,000 or more and think it's absolutely NUTS! A friend of my sister's took out a 2nd mortgage on their house to make one of these weddings for their son and daughter-in-law. The parents are older than us and need a 2nd mortgage for a one day event?

My niece is getting married in 2 months and the reception is in the nicest hotel in the area. We just returned the RSVP and the choices were prime rib, chicken or fish. There's cocktails, hors d'oeuvres, dinner and dancing. What does a wedding like this cost today?

 

[Achiever51]

...
My niece is getting married in 2 months and the reception is in the nicest hotel in the area. We just returned the RSVP and the choices were prime rib, chicken or fish. There's cocktails, hors d'oeuvres, dinner and dancing. What does a wedding like this cost today?

Just went to a wedding like this...learned the bride's parents budgeted $175 per person for the reception, attended by 230 people. (That's more than $40,000 for the food/drinks alone!!) I was in the ladies room when the bride came in and I overheard her telling a friend that she knew maybe 25 of the people in the ballroom.

We, too, got married in 1976. Parents paid for most of the event. Mom made my wedding gown and veil (~$150); reception - with open bar!! -- at country club was less than $2,000 for more than 200 guests....and like my overheard conversation recently, I didn't know most of them either! (I do remember that my dad invited one of his co-workers and their spouse, who RSVP'd that they planned to bring all of their children to my wedding. They had NINE children!! Dad had to "uninvite" the kids. Good thing. The parents came and gave us $5 as a wedding gift! Even in '76, that was cheap!)

Thirty two years, and still together!

 

[laurence]

1976? I was alive...but not potty trained! Hey, but I was only 3 years from graduating kindergarten!

 

[Tempesta]

1976? I was alive...but not potty trained! Hey, but I was only 3 years from graduating kindergarten!

You 1974?

 

[citrine]

I was just born in 1974!
My brother is having one of those weddings that my mother is putting on to "show" people and him and his bride are the main act. Last I heard, the figure was over $150K!!!! I think it is on the lower price range of an Indian wedding.
I was told that my parents have a "dowry/wedding" fund that was started for me when I was born....I wonder what the balance is in that account!
For me, I would have a simple outdoor ceremony either by water or in a beautiful garden followed by a lunch reception. The honeymoon would be simple as well....go see a natural landmark and just relax and enjoy the moment of being married.
I absolutely refuse to get married in the traditional Indian style!