High costs of weddings...and going into debt?

[Achiever51]

1976? I was alive...but not potty trained! Hey, but I was only 3 years from graduating kindergarten!

.

Oh my...someone bring me my medicine and my cane --I'm feelling a case of the vapors coming on!

I remember my first "real" job when I heard someone mentioning an experience they had at work and I piped in that I was only five years old at the time. I will never forget the way he stopped, looked at me and said "So, that means you are only 18 years old today?" I proudly said "Yup!" to which he replied: "Hon, I have shoes older than you and you know what, no one cares about that either!" Ouch.

 

[Achiever51]

... Last I heard, the figure was over $150K!!!! I think it is on the lower price range of an Indian wedding..

I absolutely refuse to get married in the traditional Indian style!

Unbelievable! Is this for a multi-day event? I'm curious. Please share: What is a traditional Indian style wedding?

 

[Tempesta]

150K?!?!?

 

[Bestwifeever]

I believe Indian weddings are multi-day ceremonies with lots of ritual and tons of guests (which is why the price tag is so high). I'm not surprised that it would come to $150K for a wedding like that in a big city. I don't know where CFB got his statistics that the more expensive the wedding, the less likely the marriage will last, but even if that's true I doubt it applies to these couples.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indian_wedding

 

[citrine]

No....that is for one day....it is being held at a big hotel from 1pm-whenever (usually till 4:00am), open bar, groom will be on a horse, 500 some guests, all the outfits were custom made in India, and this does not include the honeymoon.
There is another event two weeks prior to the wedding which is a small, intimate gathering of friends and family (only 150 or so!) which is another 30-40K.

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

I doubt it applies to these couples.

Having just moved from a town that was about 70% indian, I think the divorce options are pretty seriously limited by family pressures rather than the whims of the bride and groom. In many indian marriages, the in-laws live WITH the couple.

As to the source, I posted the studies at some point here a few years ago. As always its hard to tell true cause and effect and causation vs correlation issues.

 

[bbbamI]

We have some friends that will be getting married next month. They are around our age and money is not an issue. They have been living together for 18 years and will finally be taking the plunge. He bought her a four carat diamond solitaire and so far they have spent $17k on the wedding. 205 guests from seven different states will be there...the bride and groom are paying for most of the overnight lodging. On the night of the wedding, after the vows are completed, limos will take the guests bar hopping. The day after the wedding, the formal reception will take place at a country club.

One more thing....the groom looks like Lewis Black and has the same humor. Should be interesting.....

 

[laurence]

I was just born in 1974!
My brother is having one of those weddings that my mother is putting on to "show" people and him and his bride are the main act. Last I heard, the figure was over $150K!!!! I think it is on the lower price range of an Indian wedding.
I was told that my parents have a "dowry/wedding" fund that was started for me when I was born....I wonder what the balance is in that account!
For me, I would have a simple outdoor ceremony either by water or in a beautiful garden followed by a lunch reception. The honeymoon would be simple as well....go see a natural landmark and just relax and enjoy the moment of being married.
I absolutely refuse to get married in the traditional Indian style!

I'm 3 months older than you! Hmm, you have 150k socked away by your parents? I'll PM you if me and DW don't work out.

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Hah, looking for a woman who could support him in the style that he'd like to become accustomed to...

 

[armor99]

I don't believe in going into debt for a wedding (talk about starting out on the wrong foot!). Because of a bit of luck in our financial situation, DW and I were able to splurge on a very nice wedding, reception and honeymoon without going into hock. If the only way to have a fancy wedding had required going into debt, we would've gotten married at town hall and had a nice dinner out with family and friends.

I know that many people feel that it's a once-in-a-lifetime day, and that it's worth going overboard for, but I don't agree if it means starting off the marriage in debt.

I know that the social pressure to get a big ring, etc. is huge. I'm fortunate there; DW is frugal, and picked a small, simple engagement ring for herself (I paid for it). She still wears it with pride all these years later, bless her!

Who knows... maybe I am just a romantic at heart. But I would think your wedding would be that one day that you cannot really remember most of it, with the exception of thoughts of the person you just married. I mean after all... the reason they have groomsmen and bridesmaids is that each needs a private army to get things done on that day, because mentally both parties are probably a bit out to lunch on the wedding day. So with that in mind why spend a fortune on an event that was made as special it is, not by the trappings, the food, the band, etc. It was made special by the person you were with. I have always thought that occasions that special should only be shared with a very small select group of people, not hundreds...

 

[Sue J]

What's an appropriate wedding gift if you are invited to one of these pricey weddings? My niece and her fiancee invited all four of us (me, hubby, and sons 21 and 24) but I really don't know her all that well. She's the daughter of my deceased brother. She was estranged from him (her choice) and he was estranged from our family. She and her siblings were raised by their working class grandparents. Her fiancee's family is putting on the wedding.

She came out of that mess of an upbringing as valedictorian of her high school and had full scholarships to private undergrad and graduate school.

I won't buy them a blender or towels, I want to give a check. But we are living within our means, still have a kid in college and my husband is planning on retiring in 5 years.

If they are paying $100 a plate or more, how big of a check is appropriate? Yikes!

 

[bbbamI]

What's an appropriate wedding gift if you are invited to one of these pricey weddings?

I always check to see if the bride and groom are registered and purchase an item or two...but I don't spend a lot of money.

 

[W2R]

What's an appropriate wedding gift if you are invited to one of these pricey weddings? My niece and her fiancee invited all four of us (me, hubby, and sons 21 and 24) but I really don't know her all that well. She's the daughter of my deceased brother. She was estranged from him (her choice) and he was estranged from our family. She and her siblings were raised by their working class grandparents. Her fiancee's family is putting on the wedding.

She came out of that mess of an upbringing as valedictorian of her high school and had full scholarships to private undergrad and graduate school.

I won't buy them a blender or towels, I want to give a check. But we are living within our means, still have a kid in college and my husband is planning on retiring in 5 years.

If they are paying $100 a plate or more, how big of a check is appropriate? Yikes!

Would it help to know that I only remember what ONE guest gave us at our pricey wedding? (Mrs. Kelly gave us a drawing of the dove of peace, and I was marrying a Navy man shortly after VietNam so I guess that was a statement of sorts. Never knew what to make of it.) We got so many gifts that it was unreal. Writing the thank-you notes was such a chore and I did that all in one day - - I hardly noticed who I was writing them to or what they gave us, and used nearly the same verbiage on all of them.

I'd go for the blender, myself, or something requiring about that level of expenditure on their list. But then, I'm kind of a tightwad.

 

[Moemg]

What's an appropriate wedding gift if you are invited to one of these pricey weddings?

I'm wondering the same thing . My niece is getting married next year in Long Island New York and I know it's a least $175 a person so what is an appropriate amount . Her mother gave my daughter $200.00 and my daughter's wedding cost a lot less of course it was in Lakewood ,NY . So I'm thinking $300 is about right .
It's really varies by were you live . When I lived in new Jersey the weddings tended to be big lavish affairs but in Florida there seems to be more emphasis on the location then the food. In New Jersey even the showers were elaborate . It was nothing for the bride to get a $400 vacuum as a present . The first shower I went to in Florida I took a typical New Jersey shower present . Everybody was a little shocked by the expense of it .Oops !

 

[FUEGO]

Seriously??!!!?? Hundreds of dollars for niece/nephew wedding gifts? What if they were casual acquaintances (like old high school friends or former/current co-workers, etc)?

Does me and DW giving $50 seem cheap when I know they are shelling out at least $150-200 total for our plates at the reception?

Sort of a bizarre situation - someone spending a lot of money throwing a big expensive party but expecting financial remuneration in return. I always assumed that the gift value should be constant whether you went to the wedding or not and regardless of the cost/value of the wedding festivities.

 

[Moemg]

Does me and DW giving $50 seem cheap when I know they are shelling out at least $150-200 total for our plates at the reception?

Yes, I would give $100 or a real nice gift .

 

[Bestwifeever]

Great scene in the Sopranos of Carmela writing down in a little notebook the amount of the check she and Tony are gving Johnny Sacks's daughter--she kept a list of what wedding gifts ($) they gave, so that she could compared them with gifts her daughter Meadow would receive at her wedding.

Just saw this happen in real life--bride's family feels stiffed because a guest did not pony up a reciprocal amount.

 

[Moemg]

I went to a mafia wedding once . It was unbelievable . The food went on forever .

 

[SecondCor521]

So I have recently had reason to think about this a bit How have folks resolved this including for guys buying rings and the cost of the weddding itself...I have casually heard people go into major debt on this issue... How does being frugal fit into this or does it not?

Don't mean to be a downer here -- my ex's engagement ring/wedding set was $5K back in 1990; under our state law it was a "gift" to her and thus her separate property in the divorce.

The wedding/reception itself cost $3K total and we paid for it ourselves for the most part. Marriage lasted 15.5 years, which in retrospect was probably pretty good considering everything that happened.

Seriously??!!!?? Hundreds of dollars for niece/nephew wedding gifts? What if they were casual acquaintances (like old high school friends or former/current co-workers, etc)?

Does me and DW giving $50 seem cheap when I know they are shelling out at least $150-200 total for our plates at the reception?

Sort of a bizarre situation - someone spending a lot of money throwing a big expensive party but expecting financial remuneration in return. I always assumed that the gift value should be constant whether you went to the wedding or not and regardless of the cost/value of the wedding festivities.

I have read numerous instances of the bride and groom figuring what the "break-even" gift is per person. If their wedding averages out to $100 per plate that's what they hope to receive in "gifts" in return. This attitude seems more prevalent in cases where the cost of the wedding is relatively high and/or the bride and groom are not in control of the planning. I think it's gauche and I'm not saying that this is the case in your particular situation, but just sharing that this kind of thinking goes on.

2Cor521

 

[FUEGO]

I have read numerous instances of the bride and groom figuring what the "break-even" gift is per person. If their wedding averages out to $100 per plate that's what they hope to receive in "gifts" in return. This attitude seems more prevalent in cases where the cost of the wedding is relatively high and/or the bride and groom are not in control of the planning. I think it's gauche and I'm not saying that this is the case in your particular situation, but just sharing that this kind of thinking goes on.

In that case, I guess I may have insulted some folks who didn't deserve my respect anyway.

It seems we can't get away from the quid-pro-quo financial exchanges even among family and friends...

I did observe at our wedding, DW's older sister and DW's mother literally kept a list of all guests that gave gifts and the dollar amount of the gift. I think it is used as a reference later to determine how much to give at future weddings, bday parties and graduations, etc. Must be an asian thing... The list was the center of gossip among the family for a while - "ooohhh - they only gave $20! We gave them $50 at the last bday party!"

"What?!? Just $40? They just bought a new Mercedes. They must be broke spending all their money on their car".

(Gifts at our asian wedding were probably 95% cash in white envelopes with the donor's name written on it)

I tend to eschew weddings (including my own!) due to their commercial nature. In hindsight, I realize that our wedding was a carefully orchestrated effort by DW's family to maximize money extraction from their family and friends to repay what they had paid out over the years. As if it were seeking vengeance. Not something I wanted to have associated with what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of one's life.

I have also seen news articles about couples planning their wedding strategy to maximize payoff. For example, they will intentionally register at really expensive stores for really expensive high dollar gifts to increase the average gift price. And they do this with the intention to get really nice gifts and then ebay them or return them for store credit and then ebay the store credit gift cards. Tacky!

 

[CuppaJoe]

no no no .. go for the open bar.. just invite fewer people (and ones you really want to have a good time with).
....

As usual, LaDel, you are right! I was just thinking about two weddings I attended, in one the caterers were delayed for three hours; luckily the bride was a dot.com millionaire and her new groom was "old money." The other couple paid off the bar tab for years.

Eat, drink and be merry, Maddie!

 

[Khan]

I'm not the type of girl who grew up dreaming about her wedding day. I didn't want the fairy tale, princess wedding. I got the wedding my parents wanted, what they felt other people expected. Kind of sad, but they were paying and doing the planning. In the end, I felt like it was their wedding, we were just the main act.

I think that many people go through life in this manner. It's never what we want, it's what other people think we should want, and often we think we want what we are told we want.

 

[Khan]

Quote:
Originally Posted by FUEGO
Seriously??!!!?? Hundreds of dollars for niece/nephew wedding gifts? What if they were casual acquaintances (like old high school friends or former/current co-workers, etc)?

Does me and DW giving $50 seem cheap when I know they are shelling out at least $150-200 total for our plates at the reception?

Sort of a bizarre situation - someone spending a lot of money throwing a big expensive party but expecting financial remuneration in return. I always assumed that the gift value should be constant whether you went to the wedding or not and regardless of the cost/value of the wedding festivities.

I have read numerous instances of the bride and groom figuring what the "break-even" gift is per person. If their wedding averages out to $100 per plate that's what they hope to receive in "gifts" in return. This attitude seems more prevalent in cases where the cost of the wedding is relatively high and/or the bride and groom are not in control of the planning. I think it's gauche and I'm not saying that this is the case in your particular situation, but just sharing that this kind of thinking goes on.

How is one to know the appropriate amount? Does the invitation include a suggested dollar amount?

Will a gift be sent back if deemed inadequate?

I'm not up on proper etiquette.

 

[Moemg]

How is one to know the appropriate amount? Does the invitation include a suggested dollar amount?

Will a gift be sent back if deemed inadequate?

I'm not up on proper etiquette.

I think women are more atune to these types of things . The gift will not be returned but you'll forever be known as the cheapskate who gave a crummy gift . A stuffed squirrel is never appropriate or squirrel jerky even if it is wrapped nicely .

 

[Khan]

I think women are more atune to these types of things . The gift will not be returned but you'll forever be known as the cheapskate who gave a crummy gift . A stuffed squirrel is never appropriate or squirrel jerky even if it is wrapped nicely .

And with any luck, never get invited to another wedding.
-Khan the Hermit