MIL now in Memory Care

[Scuba]

My MIL had a small crisis a couple of weeks ago when she knocked on her neighbor’s door and didn’t recognize her, even though she’s known her for 15 years. It scared her enough that she realized she shouldn’t be living alone, a decision we are thrilled she came to on her own as we’ve been very worried about her for the last couple of years.

We wanted her to be able to stay in her small town so she’s more likely to get visitors. There was only one option that had secure Memory Care and luckily it’s a very nice facility with great staff. We stayed in her area for about a week after moving her in and visited 2-3 times per day at random times and were very pleased with how they’re treating her.

One of the unfortunate things that happened the last few months of living alone is she decided without consulting her doctor to discontinue all meds. She had been on a dementia/ALZ med and she has had ALZ for 7 years. We tried to convince her to go back on the meds, but she refused. Her memory took a severe turn for the worse after being off her meds and her doc said the capacity lost during this time will not be recovered. At least she is now back on them so hopefully once they build up in her system again, further deterioration will slow down.

So far she’s adjusted to her new environment really well. We moved a combination of her old furniture/possessions and some new things in, and focused on family photos to decorate her room.

If anyone has gone through this and has any suggestions on how to help her transition and/or slow down her decline, I’m all ears. We used to visit a couple of times per year but will now come 3-4 times a year. I also contacted all of her nearby friends and relatives so they can visit her. She has decided her cell phone is too much for her to deal with now. She used to love texting and posting photos on Instagram but these activities seem to overwhelm her now. She does have a landline in her apartment and we bought her a picture phone so all she has to do is press one button to call her favorite people.

 

[Ronstar]

Thanks for posting and sharing your story. My MIL still lives in her apartment, but has significant memory issues.

We call and/or visit her at least once a day with questions to maybe help with memory. Not sure if it’s helping though.

 

[SecondCor521]

My Dad was diagnosed on January 24th with Alz/vascular dementia on January 24th and moved into assisted living in February after a medical issue that put him in the hospital for almost a week.

The only two things the internal medicine doctor really said that might work to slow the decline is aricept and aerobic exercise. My Dad declined both. It sounds like your MIL is on aricept.

It seems to me as an amateur observer that their physical health impacts their mental abilities and vice versa. So to the extent that you can address any other physical issues she has, that might help. If you (or your spouse) have a health care proxy signed by her, then you/they may be able to make those decisions on her behalf, which is a tricky and scary thing to do but may be in her best interest.

I think social interaction is recommended also. My Dad is slowly socially integrating with his new assisted living neighbors, hopefully your MIL will also.

Also recommended to us is routine. So we tried to arrange everything in his new apartment the way his old apartment was as much as possible. The case of wine in the old apartment coat closet went into the coat closet in the new apartment, for example. I continue to visit him every Sunday for brunch and golf. Etc. I also repeat myself a lot.

I was advised by the speech/cognitive therapist to use the same words he does for things. So the nursing assistants are "the people in the blue shirts" - that's what he calls them so that's how I refer to them.

Orienting him first thing in the morning is helpful.

We also quickly learned that "lots" of people, where "lots" is more than 2 or 3, is socially challenging because he can't track that much conversation going on. Individual visits or maybe two at a time is better because he can focus and enjoy those more. It also has the effect of spreading out the visiting, so instead of one hour of visits it might be two or three.

It does seem that procedural knowledge has declined the most. Factual or logical or historical stuff stays around longer, so instead of talking about how it's hard to dial a phone or get to a doctor's appointment, my Dad is more comfortable talking about who is winning the golf tournament, or tax reform, or about his career or WWII history.

My Dad's doctor sent me a page full of Alzheimer's resources. Let me know if you want me to scan and forward. It was a combination of national and local resources.

The picture phone is a good idea. Can you post a link to the kind you're talking about?

Sorry you're going through this. I find it very hard even though we're in a good situation relative to most others. Which reminds me, another thing to watch for is caregiver burnout and respite care if that might apply to you.

 

[harllee]

My mother, in her 90s, has short term memory loss. She had Covid in Feb 2022 and went into a brain fog overnight and has never recovered. She does not wander but cannot remember what she had for lunch. She has been diagnosed with "Covid induced dementia." She takes aricept but I don't know if it helps. Fortunately, for many years she has lived in a CCRC. She is still in her independent living apartment with caretakers for 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours in the vending. She has her meals delivered because she does not want to go to the dining room. She is visited by family 2-3 times a week. I am her POA and have taken over all her finances. The worst problem she had was anxiety and depression--she is very aware she has lost her short term memory and it is very distressing for her. Her GP put her on a low dose depression pill--Celexa--5mg, a half a pill a day. The depression medicine has really helped improve her quality of life.

 

[Golden sunsets]

My MIL had a small crisis a couple of weeks ago when she knocked on her neighbor’s door and didn’t recognize her, even though she’s known her for 15 years. It scared her enough that she realized she shouldn’t be living alone, a decision we are thrilled she came to on her own as we’ve been very worried about her for the last couple of years.

We wanted her to be able to stay in her small town so she’s more likely to get visitors. There was only one option that had secure Memory Care and luckily it’s a very nice facility with great staff. We stayed in her area for about a week after moving her in and visited 2-3 times per day at random times and were very pleased with how they’re treating her.

One of the unfortunate things that happened the last few months of living alone is she decided without consulting her doctor to discontinue all meds. She had been on a dementia/ALZ med and she has had ALZ for 7 years. We tried to convince her to go back on the meds, but she refused. Her memory took a severe turn for the worse after being off her meds and her doc said the capacity lost during this time will not be recovered. At least she is now back on them so hopefully once they build up in her system again, further deterioration will slow down.

So far she’s adjusted to her new environment really well. We moved a combination of her old furniture/possessions and some new things in, and focused on family photos to decorate her room.

If anyone has gone through this and has any suggestions on how to help her transition and/or slow down her decline, I’m all ears. We used to visit a couple of times per year but will now come 3-4 times a year. I also contacted all of her nearby friends and relatives so they can visit her. She has decided her cell phone is too much for her to deal with now. She used to love texting and posting photos on Instagram but these activities seem to overwhelm her now. She does have a landline in her apartment and we bought her a picture phone so all she has to do is press one button to call her favorite people.

Sorry you are going through this Scuba. Every person's dementia journey is different. My own experience with DM was that her move to Memory Care advanced her decline exponentially. She was in memory care for about 15 months and passed away at the age of 95.

I'm sorry to tell you that the last year was very hard to watch. My vibrant extroverted mother declined to a point that she became nonverbal and largely unaware of her surroundings. She was well cared for, never in any pain and not unhappy. The pain is almost entirely born by you, the loving child/family member.

Take care of yourself.

 

[Teacher Terry]

My friend had early Alzheimer’s caused by having so much chemo for her 8 bouts of cancer. When she was 65 her husband died and I had to put her in a memory care facility. Within a month she went from an outgoing vibrant person to someone that barely spoke and paced the facility for hours.

It didn’t matter what we did, visiting, medications, etc and within 6 months she was in diapers having to be fed. Luckily her cancer came back and I didn’t treat it. I was relieved for her when she died. I can’t tell the story without crying. I often wonder if her husband had lived if her decline would have been much slower. I don’t wish that disease on my worst enemy.

 

[RunningBum]

It's an awful disease. My mother had to move into memory care about 2.5 years ago. I believe she's on aricept and it may have delayed her move but she continues to get worse. She went from forgetting little things, asking the same question 5 times in 30 minutes, and forgetting names, to only remembering things from her childhood, to being pretty shut down. She took a fall last year and needs assistance to transfer from her bed to a chair in her room or a wheelchair to be taken for meals. At some point she will simply stop eating if something else doesn't happen. That will lead to the end. I tried and just can't type anymore on that. Read up or ask questions of her providers.

Some good advice above. I have a few to add. My brother and sisters are in town so they deal with her a lot more than I do. Our situation is different because dad is still alive and lived in the first facility and visited all day with her. That was good and bad. He shielded her from too much, even the nurses at times, and I don't think it was always good for her to barely interact with others. But it did mean she was always looked after by family.

Make sure you (or someone) have full POA, both financial and medical. You probably want a DNR for her. When my mom first knew she had Alzheimers and it would get worse and worse, she said she prayed regularly that she wouldn't wake up the next morning. I can't believe anyone really wants to live like that. You'll also need to make plans for if she runs out of money. Does this place take Medicaid? Or does she have enough for many years? What will you do if she runs out? I'm sure you've found how expensive memory care is. And take away her access to money, because she'll be an easy target for scammers, especially if she still has phone access. And while we've never seen it, someone caring for her could also be scamming or stealing. My dad took away her phone access. I don't remember the details but she agreed to something with some medical provider that was going to cost them a lot. With help from a legal aide in the family they were able to get it dropped but they said "this time only".

There are many ways Alz victims behave. Some get violent. Some wander. Some (like my mom) are pretty quiet and compliant. No matter what the behavior, it's not their fault. It can be frustrating to answer the same question again and again, but let it roll off of you. Imagine you are talking to a toddler when they are like that. Vent with each other, not with her.

As things get worse, don't ask open ended questions. Just for example, don't ask what they want for dinner. Instead pick the thing you think they probably most want, and ask "Do you want ____?" If no, move to the next thing. It'll get hard over the phone to find out how she is doing. Get to know the staff and get info from them too.

One of the care givers suggested a baby doll for her, and she loved it! I don't know that she still "takes care" of it but she did for months. When I visited while she was still talking and responding to questions, but I knew she really didn't know who I was, I asked if that was my sister. She looked at me and said "If you want it to be" and we both laughed. My guess is that it was something she could bring into her world and interact with, without having to figure out who it was or what they were talking about.

 

[Keim]

A horrible disease. My family has found The 36 Hour Day be an excellent resource book.

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=the+36-h...10362783&tag=hydsma-20&ref=pd_sl_7z64hrqhvs_b

 

[MRG]

A horrible disease. My family has found The 36 Hour Day be an excellent resource book.

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=the+36-h...10362783&tag=hydsma-20&ref=pd_sl_7z64hrqhvs_b

+1
That is a good resource. It was helpful when DM went through the worst of her decline. Hers was slow at first and took years to progress. You've got great information that I won't repeat. One experience was what it can do to other family members.

The last time I saw DM before she had to go to a nursing home was a noticeable change. It had been a steady downhill, but this was the first time I allowed myself to acknowledge the totality of it. I went back home and went to work the next day. DW said I was acting funny that morning and didn't think I should go in, "Oh I'm fine." That afternoon I was carted out with what EMTs said was a stroke. I was a little confused but stroke? Thankfully not, I was diagnosed with a TGA, transient global amnesia, a harmless temporary condition. They asked me a lot of questions in the trauma center and thought the stress was the cause.
Take care of yourself and others.

 

[rodi]

My MIL is 96 and has been in memory care for about 6 years. She has been under guardianship/conservancy for over 8 years for dementia.

She lived independently for a few years after my husband became her guardian. She was unhappy with the guardianship but bills were getting paid this way and my FIL was able to be transferred to a nursing home (which she was opposed to but she wouldn't allow help in taking care of him and would forget to take care of him). My SIL visited daily and out of town family (including my husband) visited multiple times a year and talked by phone daily.

When she first moved to memory care it was after an incident where she got disoriented, had a panic attack, and threw herself out of a moving car causing a spinal fracture. Yeah... it was a horrible situation. Husband and one of the BILs were in the car with her as they were all driving to a niece's wedding and this happened in a small town in a state where no-one involved lived. When she was released from the hospital we had her transferred to the assisted living facility that one of her sisters lived in, in her home town. She was downstairs in memory care, and the sister was in traditional AL. What was nice was that family could visit both matriarchs when they came to visit. She was also back in a city that had 3 of her children living, plus their adult children, and nieces, nephews, etc. So a lot more visitors.

The transition was interesting... seeing family was great. Decorating with pictures and familiar items was good. For MIL, she's the type who was always doing chores... The staff allowed her to fold laundry (sheets/towels/napkins) which made her happy. She felt useful, and it kept her occupied which made the staff happy. (Staff often had to refold items, but they enjoyed the company.) Who would have thought that allowing her to fold towels would help her transition. Not us.

Over time she has regressed... Her memories started going further and further back till they settled more about the time she was in her late teens/early 20's. Then she started losing language but could still sing. Now she mostly sings Sicilian nursery songs - which she learned as a child. When it first started she could fool anyone about the memory loss... (Although the state social worker was very adept at picking up the clues like the fact she'd change the subject when asked to name her six kids and her husband.) She was very angry when the guardianship happened - she was in full denial, and it unfortunately went to court as ordered by the state's adult protective services. Over time, concurrent with her memory loss, she lost the anger and became more content.

The advice about orienting in the morning is good advice... MIL could hold a conversation and have better memory recall in the morning vs the afternoon or evening. Sundowners is a real phenomena.

I hope you have POA for her for both financial and medical. The guardianship/conservatorship process is challenging. Now that she has the dx of dementia she cannot issue/sign a POA because she is legally incompetent.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

[braumeister]

My MIL is 96 and has been in memory care for about 6 years. She has been under guardianship/conservancy for over 8 years for dementia.

Great story. Thanks much for posting this.
I think most people don't realize how long this sort of situation can go on.

I was lucky, in that my mom only had about a year of memory care before she died at 96. One of my good friends had a mother who started it at 95 and finally went at 103.

 

[rodi]

Great story. Thanks much for posting this.
I think most people don't realize how long this sort of situation can go on.

I was lucky, in that my mom only had about a year of memory care before she died at 96. One of my good friends had a mother who started it at 95 and finally went at 103.

Yeah - fortunately she was a saver. So she had a paid off house and some savings. After the house was sold, when she first moved to memory care, that added to the savings. She's burning through about $50k/year (these are the costs above what SS/Pension contribute) for memory care and misc expenses. She's got at most, 3 more years of savings at this burn rate, so it's a crapshoot whether she'll outlive her money. No one is counting on an inheritance.


Changing the subject a bit back to the OP's issue. Phones. We've found that if we text staff ahead of time they will arrange to receive a phone call from us when they are with her - so we can talk to her. No need for her to have a phone of her own, she doesn't have the capacity to use it. So we've got her primary nurses' phone numbers. That was super important during COVID lock down. When BIL visits her he calls family so we can talk to her.... that happens several times a week. During COVID he would have staff open her window and move her to the window so they could visit.

 

[Deej]

Interesting read of all your stories. My mom is 86 and has shown signs of dementia for 2 years. She was tested in 2022 and wasn't on the spectrum yet, but close, though I know she is now (will be tested again this April). She lives alone currently, and I take care of her though don't live with her. I have POA finance/health. My mom has several other grown children but they are never available to call or visit her even though they all live within a hour, however they are accusatory of me though I give her the best care possible and everything I do for her is A+. I'm moving her to a excellent facility where she will get all the help she needs above and beyond what I can do, of course, as I'm not a skilled healthcare person, but, rather a loving daughter My mom can't do her finances anymore, asks the same questions over and over, recent memory is not good. She constantly says she doesn't like how she feels and who she is now.

She has been alone for several years and doesn't walk well (uses a walker) due to severe chronic back pain. She has lost her independence and does nothing all day but sit or lay watching TV, and sleeps a lot. She is lonely and depressed. I'm hoping her spark might come back once she's around people again where can can have something to look forward to day in/out with activities, making new buddies, and eating with people at facility. She needs mind stimulation so bad.

Since I learned that my mom has dementia, I've become more patient with her, and she apologizes for asking the same questions over and over. Funny though, how she can remember things WHEN she wants to. I try to make things as easy for her as possible and will arrange her new room as her current one is set up to make it feel homey, along with photos.

It's all a learning curve for all of us going through this situation with our moms. I'll take all the suggestions I can get. Good luck to all of you as I know it's a difficult job and heart breaking as well.

 

[Sojourner]

If anyone has gone through this and has any suggestions on how to help her transition and/or slow down her decline, I’m all ears.

I'm going through the same slowly-evolving ordeal with my DF, so I'm also interested in hearing what others have to say in terms of easing the transition to memory care. DF still isn't there yet, thankfully, due to the 24/7 presence of his much younger domestic partner. But the day is coming soon.

As for "slowing down the decline", I don't think there is anything proven to do that other than medications like Aricept (donepezil) and Namenda (memantine). And even then, the disease continues to progress and symptoms worsen, albeit more slowly. Given the horrendous, heinous, soul-sucking nature of the condition, though, I'm honestly unsure whether "slowing it down a little " is a good thing, ultimately.

It's an awful disease. [...] At some point she will simply stop eating if something else doesn't happen. That will lead to the end.

This is exactly what my DF's physician told us. Absolutely gut-wrenching.

When my mom first knew she had Alzheimers and it would get worse and worse, she said she prayed regularly that she wouldn't wake up the next morning. I can't believe anyone really wants to live like that.

I find it very hard to believe that, as well. My DF told me long ago (before the dementia started) that if he ever became too feeble-minded or frail to walk or do the most basic things on his own, to just push him out a window. He did NOT want to end up as a completely helpless, incoherent, infant-like burden on anyone. Knowing how strong, active, independent, and no-nonsense he was even well into his 70s, it kills me to witness him reduced to this pathetic, pale shadow of his former self.

As things get worse, don't ask open ended questions. Just for example, don't ask what they want for dinner. Instead pick the thing you think they probably most want, and ask "Do you want ____?" If no, move to the next thing.

Good suggestion, thanks.

 

[RetMD21]

One of the unfortunate things that happened the last few months of living alone is she decided without consulting her doctor to discontinue all meds. She had been on a dementia/ALZ med and she has had ALZ for 7 years. We tried to convince her to go back on the meds, but she refused. Her memory took a severe turn for the worse after being off her meds and her doc said the capacity lost during this time will not be recovered. At least she is now back on them so hopefully once they build up in her system again, further deterioration will slow down.

That's too bad although it's hard to know about cause and effect. Symptoms worsen over time with or without meds.

 

[street]

I hope all goes well for her and all the others that have posted with similar events. My mother had the last few years of live and was placed in a nursing home. She was never really bad, but the disease does change your who you once were. Mom was the happy person mood with her disease so that help some in a bad situation. I'm not looking forward to that stage in life if I do get it.

 

[iloveyoga]

I am so sorry. My Dad suffered from Alz/dementia and Mom took care of him. I helped along with my sibs here in town. I really learned the meaning of living day to day during those times. I don't have any wonderful advice other than taking things as they come and enjoying any good times you can along the way. It sounds like your Mom communicates fairly well and I would really enjoy being able to talk and visit with her. I think that was the hardest thing with Dad, when he could not talk any more. I still miss that every day.

 

[Northforker]

We bought Dad a grandpad, it's a computer pad with simple photo icons for the internet, phone, video calls, pictures, etc.

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=grandpad...611807&tag=googhydr-20&ref=pd_sl_117d3eq12u_e

He couldn't operate a smart phone anymore.

We video call with him and send lots of pictures of our daily activities.

 

[Scuba]

We bought Dad a grandpad, it's a computer pad with simple photo icons for the internet, phone, video calls, pictures, etc.

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=grandpad...611807&tag=googhydr-20&ref=pd_sl_117d3eq12u_e

He couldn't operate a smart phone anymore.

We video call with him and send lots of pictures of our daily activities.

Love this suggestion. Thank you!!

 

[Scuba]

Thank you all for the helpful advice. Luckily she did execute the necessary paperwork 3 years ago when she had better cognitive function so we are all set with financial POA, healthcare POA, and DNR.

The advice to avoid open-ended questions is excellent. I’m finding also that it’s best not to ask too many questions such as “what did you do today” because many times she can’t remember. The landline phone we bought her that has buttons with people’s photos on it so she can just press one button for the person she wants to call has been great for her. She had cut way down on calling us before and now she’s calling multiple times a day. I think she wasn’t calling because her cell had gotten too challenging for her.

She is fortunate in that she still has complete mobility without any assistance and her physical health is excellent other than the Alzheimer’s. Her energy level and emotional state seems much better since she moved into Memory Care. When she was still living alone at home, she got to the point where she just wanted to stay home alone in her pajamas every day. Now, she gets up and gets dressed every day and she tells us she’s made new friends. Every day they have some kind of engaging activity for the residents. Today it was petting and feeding goats that visited from a nearby goat rescue.

She also gets a lot of visitors from friends and some family and several of the staff members were her students when they were in first grade. Gotta love a small town. Almost everyone in it knows her.

Another positive of Memory Care for her is that she is so much more relaxed living around others who also have trouble remembering things. I think that’s one reason she got so isolated before. She used to love going to the town center, but she withdrew from that and I suspect a big driver was that she couldn’t remember people who knew her and would stop her to chat.

One day at a time is a good mantra.

 

[zippy2020]

Socialization is one of the most necessary elements as we age, even if we remain compos mentis. My MIL had mild- to moderate-dementia, but she definitely improved when we moved her to a full service seniorcare facility. She was active so remained in Asst Living, but the casual, daily, repetitive social interaction made a huge difference.

The thing about hunger is that dementia robs a person of the ability to hear their own "body clues". They don't realize/feel what those 'hunger pains' are. I felt MIL needed a more structured environment than our own chaotic lifestyle when she started to have fainting spells.

I realized then she had not been eating a full meal for at least three days. She was always a little paranoid about putting on weight (her husband had always struggled with his weight, trying various diets as he had cardiac issues). So she had formed the habit of always leaving a little food on her plate.

Well, that 'little food' became eating only a little food and leaving most of it "for later", which she would then forget to eat. Or fixing herself only half of what she used to eat for breakfast and lunch, because 'a full plate was too much' but then she'd only eat half of the half; i.e, a quarter of normal!

At the facility, the dining hours were regular, she sat with the same group every meal, the food was good and she could recognize everything (another issue for dementia patients - foods that look different than expected can be tough for them to accept).

Made me think that maybe poor nutrition also hurts the elderly. I can attest your appetite really slows down as you age, making it much harder to eat a well-balanced diet with sufficient nutrients. It's well-known that eating in the company of others improves appetite.

Not great when you're in your 50's and 60's and trying to keep off the weight, but maybe more needful for the elderly in their 80's and older.

 

[audreyh1]

Poor nutrition is a huge challenge for the elderly. Your body is much less able to absorb nutrients. Generally you need a high protein intake. Loss of appetite can be a huge issue.

 

[pacergal]

Yes, it's a double edged sword as the protein takes longer to absorb and digest, so you feel fuller longer!

 

[Scuba]

Socialization is one of the most necessary elements as we age, even if we remain compos mentis. My MIL had mild- to moderate-dementia, but she definitely improved when we moved her to a full service seniorcare facility. She was active so remained in Asst Living, but the casual, daily, repetitive social interaction made a huge difference.



The thing about hunger is that dementia robs a person of the ability to hear their own "body clues". They don't realize/feel what those 'hunger pains' are. I felt MIL needed a more structured environment than our own chaotic lifestyle when she started to have fainting spells.



I realized then she had not been eating a full meal for at least three days. She was always a little paranoid about putting on weight (her husband had always struggled with his weight, trying various diets as he had cardiac issues). So she had formed the habit of always leaving a little food on her plate.



Well, that 'little food' became eating only a little food and leaving most of it "for later", which she would then forget to eat. Or fixing herself only half of what she used to eat for breakfast and lunch, because 'a full plate was too much' but then she'd only eat half of the half; i.e, a quarter of normal!



At the facility, the dining hours were regular, she sat with the same group every meal, the food was good and she could recognize everything (another issue for dementia patients - foods that look different than expected can be tough for them to accept).



Made me think that maybe poor nutrition also hurts the elderly. I can attest your appetite really slows down as you age, making it much harder to eat a well-balanced diet with sufficient nutrients. It's well-known that eating in the company of others improves appetite.



Not great when you're in your 50's and 60's and trying to keep off the weight, but maybe more needful for the elderly in their 80's and older.

I am sure that my MIL is getting far better nutrition now that someone is preparing 3 meals a day plus a couple of snacks for her, and making sure she’s eating at meal times.

 

[Jeffman52]

My FIL went on this journey and a couple of weeks ago his journey ended at 93 years old. Its a devastating illness and so much is not known about it, or what can be done to mitigate the symptoms.


For him, I am sure he had symptoms that no one noticed for a long time, and the he started having episodes where he would be in his home of over 50 years but say he was waiting on someone to take him home. He even called 911 one night because no one came to pick him up. He said it was uncanny how much this place looks like his house. The Dc prescribed him aricept but warned us it was a stopgap that wont work forever.



Eventually we moved him from his house into assisted living last June. He settled in there nicely, but then before Christmas he got pneumonia, a mental break (brought on by being sick) a trip to the Hospital for 9 days then a few weeks in rehab. He had lost ground and we were told he would probably not regain much of the ground he lost.



We got him stable and moved him back to assisted living. Three weeks later he went off the rails mentally and we had to get him into a Hospital again. He was there for a few days and the nurse finally came in and gave us the bad news (that we all knew but needed someone to say it). He was dying from Dementia and it was time to move him into Hospice.


He never realized he was in Hospice and spent much of his last days in a sleep that he would not wake from, and when awake he was living in the past. Moving his hands and legs as if he was mobile. At one point he told me the stringer was crooked and he had dropped the nails.


A few days before he died, he came back to lucidity for a day. He looked over and called me by name, asked how I was. I talked to him about sports, and local news. He wanted to watch sports on TV and we watched Women's fast pitch softball. We stayed there a few hours and eventually he got tired and went back to sleep. That would be the last time we would see him awake and few days later we sat in the room with him and watched him take his last breaths about 2AM.


What we learned from all this is there is not much you can do outside of keeping them safe and not arguing about their reality. Make the most of those times when they are lucid because you never know when that will be the last time.