Talk To Me About The Finality of Things

[easysurfer]

Been missing a friend that moved away a few weeks ago.

I suppose because of the finality of probably never ever saying hello and chatting again in person.

Yet, I've done the math. We really weren't hang out buddies but more like pleasant acquaintances. About once a year, maybe run into each other a couple times, so that's only like about 5 minutes of actually encounter time. So, if she didn't move away and we lived 20 more years, that's only about 100 more minutes of encounter time. But the finality of knowing the end is still emotional.

I think of other people too. People in the past who I've lost touch with as I will probably never see again. So in a sense, they are gone from my life. Or even relatives. Some I only see maybe once a few years if there is a family event or crisis. So, with that math, that's not many times of actual encounters before we pass on. Yet, because there's no official finality, things don't seem so sober.

Talk to me ... .

 

[Souschef]

I understand completely. Late in life I met someone who became my best friend. He wanted to fly, but could not because he had Parkinson's. I am a pilot and we flew almost 100 missions for Angel Flight and Pilots n Paws. He did most of the flying and loved it.
We also worked together for a couple of years restoring a 23 ton switch engine.
Unfortunately, he and his wife recently moved to the East Coast from California.

I really miss him and the fun we had working and flying together.

 

[EastWest Gal]

I started creating an Ancestry family tree June 2020. I find myself missing so many family members, that I have to limit myself when working on it, or I’ll start crying.

I wish I had asked more questions and that my parents had told me more stories. They used to talk about “Cousin Jimmy”, a cousin of my great grandparents. Turns out this cousin was Cousin Jimmie, a drop dead gorgeous woman who never had children and was married to the town dentist.
I guess she was a favorite.

I miss my mom’s cousins so much. They treated my husband and myself like one of their own. Then we moved away and my parents’ health rapidly deteriorated.

 

[Telly]

Talk to me ... .

Oh I can't help you there, easysurfer. On my daily exercise walk I used to run into a person in the decade older than me. Sometimes more than once in a week, sometimes two or three weeks would go by. We'd chat about extended neighborhood, our city, national or world events, big happenings in our families, etc. After an accident, his health has taken a major turn for the worse. I think he's fast circling around the big drain. He has family just a few miles away. I enjoyed our impromptu talks. They are no more.

 

[stepford]

Eventually life becomes a process of letting things go. Concentrate on the good experiences you can still have, the loved ones you can still enjoy. Dwelling on what we've lost only sours the time we have left.

 

[Gumby]

I try to envision my life as a stretch of riverbank. Constantly lapping at my shore is the lazy, meandering river of life. Over time, new experiences, people, pets, etc., slowly come from upstream into my stretch of the riverbank, as the old move downstream out of it. It may change slowly, but life never is and never can be static.

 

[Sojourner]

Been missing a friend that moved away a few weeks ago.

I suppose because of the finality of probably never ever saying hello and chatting again in person.

Talk to me ... .

Oh, I've had these exact same kinds of thoughts many times, going back to when I was just a kid! I remember one time, when I was about 12(?), the neighbors from across the street moved away. One of them was a boy a few years younger than me, and we were great friends, spent hours each week playing and hanging out. I remember saying goodbye to him that last day, right before they all drove away in their loaded station wagon. I had this very melancholy, sobering thought: I am never going to see my friend again. It felt like he was not just moving away, but dying (from my perspective). That thought really shook me up. It was like a moment of deep, dark insight into the human condition. I'll never forget it.

These days, I am more of a realist (pessimist?) about the brutal realities of life. I have lost dear friends, a parent, all my grandparents, and many other relatives and casual friends to death and certain other "finalities" since that fateful day when I was 12. Life is full of loss, but what can we do about it other than accept it and learn to cope with it?

One other thought: The "truth" of a relationship becomes apparent when the ease of maintaining it disappears. Even though I've lost many friends and acquaintances due to situational changes over the years, the losses were only superficial, as neither party made any effort to maintain contact on any level. Sad, but not so sad. In fact, barely registering on the emotion detector. Otherwise, we would have done something about it.

 

[Aerides]

It's like the saying goes, people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Not everyone will be the latter.

 

[RunningBum]

I haven't hit this, but my parents have, since they no longer travel. My dad mentioned how he'd never see his older brother again. A couple of us offered to travel with him (he's much more fit for travel that mom is, just can't see well), but he said no.

 

[Letj]

Eventually life becomes a process of letting things go. Concentrate on the good experiences you can still have, the loved ones you can still enjoy. Dwelling on what we've lost only sours the time we have left.

Yes and yes!! I think that’s why some older people seem to thrive and others not so much. There are so many bad and sad things that can happen along the way that we must learn to let go to survive not just for ourselves but for those around us who may need our help. The same goes for any issues with your children or grand children be it money or health issue. If we don’t learn to detach we can’t be happy.

 

[braumeister]

Yes and yes!! I think that’s why some older people seem to thrive and others not so much.

Some maintain a zest for life and others lose it (if they ever had it to begin with).

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

I haven't hit this, but my parents have, since they no longer travel. My dad mentioned how he'd never see his older brother again. A couple of us offered to travel with him (he's much more fit for travel that mom is, just can't see well), but he said no.

I recall the last trip I made with my Dad...it was back to his hometown (he was 89 years old at the time). It was a wonderful few days and he was able to tell his "same old stories" to many new people and they all seemed to enjoy them. But, on the way home he said to me, "Well, I guess that's it...I will never see my hometown again." and it really struck me, because I knew he was right. Even more significant (to me) is that one of the buildings downtown still has the family name etched in marble for all to see (my great great grand dad built it and ran a couple of businesses there) but none of us (family name) live there anymore. Nothing but memories.

I also think of folks that I used to fly with...we had a lot of good times and I treasure those memories because I know it will never happen again.

 

[Sojourner]

I recall the last trip I made with my Dad...it was back to his hometown (he was 89 years old at the time). It was a wonderful few days and he was able to tell his "same old stories" to many new people and they all seemed to enjoy them. But, on the way home he said to me, "Well, I guess that's it...I will never see my hometown again." and it really struck me, because I knew he was right.

Very poignant, especially since your Dad knew it in his bones (and said so out loud), and you knew it, too.

 

[jollystomper]

I have been able to accept it as a part of life. For me, it makes the time with family and friends more enjoyable. As long as we can talk and reminisce, even without the physical presence, it is all good.

Back in the early 90s DW interviewed my parents for about a hour about their early lives in their native countries, why they chose to come to the U.S., and how their handled their early years in the country. One of my retirement tasks was documenting a transcript of the interview and sending it out to family members. Listening to it has made me feel my parents are still around. In additional, having lots of video of them, and and of other family members and friends who have passed is also a comfort.

Belief systems can also be a factor.

 

[Badger]

I was raised in a military family that moved frequently. I count about 12 times before I was on my own. I had to make friends fast but knew it was temporary and i would more than likely never see them again. Even high school, college and grad school friends are now just a faint memory that occasionally pop into my head. Don't misunderstand, l have had a great time and I fondly remember the places I've lived and the adventures I've had but only remember a handful of people. I did go back to one place in which I have fond memories but since nothing remains the same it was too bitter sweet. I won't do that again.

A 55 yr. high school reunion is coming up in a few months so I better look at the old yearbook but I'm guessing they won't look any more as they did than I do.


Cheers!

 

[Bullwinkle]

I also think of folks that I used to fly with...we had a lot of good times and I treasure those memories because I know it will never happen again.

But on the other hand, none of the rest of us ever had those good times in the first place!

That's actually one of the things I enjoy most about this board, is people giving capsule history of their career experiences. It's all so different from anything I experienced, or ever will. While small things may be in the "not too late" category, many big things you can only do once, or never, and you have to have made the choice early on.

 

[skyking1]

We are contemplating being the ones who move away, who break those small but meaningful ties. It is the sum of those encounters that is proving to be daunting to face.

 

[youbet]

Eventually life becomes a process of letting things go. Concentrate on the good experiences you can still have, the loved ones you can still enjoy. Dwelling on what we've lost only sours the time we have left.

+1

This made me think of the many threads we've had where the concept of treating children equally (or not) is discussed. Thinking about it in the context of your statement "dwelling on what we've lost only sours the time we have left" seems to give some justification for more freely spending (time and money) on the kid(s) who bother to come back to town, to visit, to spend a little time with their folks.

It's hard, really hard, to let kids who have chosen to not keep in touch go, but you can't let it sour relationships with the loved ones you can still enjoy and who are there for you.

 

[yhoomajor]

I try to envision my life as a stretch of riverbank. Constantly lapping at my shore is the lazy, meandering river of life. Over time, new experiences, people, pets, etc., slowly come from upstream into my stretch of the riverbank, as the old move downstream out of it. It may change slowly, but life never is and never can be static.

+1

I heard this quote (or a flavor of it and rings very true). In the version that I can relate to.. assume you are floating in a boat downstream in a river. Life begins at the very upstream. As we float down.. we experience different things (river banks) and life keeps moving with all the twists and turns. In the end rivers meets its final destination (Sea/Ocean) and river itself no longer exists. Then new cycle of life begins when water gets recycled and evaporates in atmosphere.

 

[Amethyst]

My parents were almost old enough to be my grandparents, so I grew up knowing I'd lose them in my 40's at the latest. Throughout my 30's, they did not travel, so I drove yearly to their home 8 hours away and stayed with them a week, by myself (husband stayed home and minded the cat). We didn't go anywhere or do anything, except shopping with my mom.

The last time I visited, I was 39; Dad was 86 and mom was 79. I still remember them waving sadly from their front porch as I pulled away in the tiny sports car I drove back then (Dad loved it, and enjoyed taking photos of me in front of it). The following year, Dad's neck was broken in a car accident and we drove down to see him in the ICU where he lingered before dying. He was paralyzed and couldn't talk, but squeezed my hand and looked at me intently. Mom was never the same after that.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

But on the other hand, none of the rest of us ever had those good times in the first place!

That's actually one of the things I enjoy most about this board, is people giving capsule history of their career experiences. It's all so different from anything I experienced, or ever will. While small things may be in the "not too late" category, many big things you can only do once, or never, and you have to have made the choice early on.

That is very true. I was truly blessed to have a great way to earn a living. Yes, it was a pain a lot of the time, but it was very rewarding and pretty cool, too!

I practiced law for a VERY short period of time after my AF career was over and it was a miserable existence. I am sure there are a lot of happy lawyers out there, I couldn't imagine doing that line of w*rk for an extended period of time...it would be soul sucking.

 

[Gumby]

...
I practiced law for a VERY short period of time after my AF career was over and it was a miserable existence. I am sure there are a lot of happy lawyers out there, I couldn't imagine doing that line of w*rk for an extended period of time...it would be soul sucking.

I practiced law for 27 years. I thought it was great, but I was probably in the minority. It was substantially easier, less stressful, and more lucrative than my days as a Navy submariner.

 

[pacergal]

I try to envision my life as a stretch of riverbank. Constantly lapping at my shore is the lazy, meandering river of life. Over time, new experiences, people, pets, etc., slowly come from upstream into my stretch of the riverbank, as the old move downstream out of it. It may change slowly, but life never is and never can be static.

+1

I heard this quote (or a flavor of it and rings very true). In the version that I can relate to.. assume you are floating in a boat downstream in a river. Life begins at the very upstream. As we float down.. we experience different things (river banks) and life keeps moving with all the twists and turns. In the end rivers meets its final destination (Sea/Ocean) and river itself no longer exists. Then new cycle of life begins when water gets recycled and evaporates in atmosphere.

Wow, great posts. Very visual.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

I practiced law for 27 years. I thought it was great, but I was probably in the minority. It was substantially easier, less stressful, and more lucrative than my days as a Navy submariner.

I think it really depends on the area that someone practices. Good thing with a JD is there is a LOT you can do with it. And submariner? No way. I love airplanes, but after a 18 or 19 hour flight...I had to GET OUT!! I couldn't imagine being stuck in such a small space for months on end!!!

 

[Gumby]

I think it really depends on the area that someone practices. Good thing with a JD is there is a LOT you can do with it. And submariner? No way. I love airplanes, but after a 18 or 19 hour flight...I had to GET OUT!! I couldn't imagine being stuck in such a small space for months on end!!!

I was a litigator - general commercial, construction, bankruptcy, antitrust.