Help vs take for granted vs taking advantage

[retire48in2018]

In our first year of retirement, we have spent months at our daughter (and husband). They have 2 kids less than a year apart - 2nd born a few months ago. Husband is now looking to improve his background with some online extensive, intense training. (4 weeks down, 4 weeks to go)

With 1 income, and 2 kids under 1.5 years old and with husband training (maybe 60 hours a week?) - we decided to help.

Originally the plan was to manage the 2 from 8am until 3 or 4. Then, one of us have evening off. DW and I would have at least one weekend day off.

Husband is very challenged to not have “personal” time. Our daughter sacrifices everything.

End result - we rarely are getting any time off, generally have to run to get stuff that runs out during week (milk, diapers, etc). Husband is active in the 60 hours/week - but chooses “personal time” - online game time or other activities when not in course - makes some attempts on soMe evenings.

Husband landing a job is our first wish - perhaps as a result of this training. They want to eventually have daughter homeschool kids. (We home schooled our kids until 7th grade). She would try to maintain some part tiMe hours and keep current with her skills during this tiMe.

We are tired. We don’t want to upset apple cart - by pushing back - as perhaps that sufficiently demotivates husband to get online training done.

There is not really another training method for his career path. To say he lacks ambition is a very understated.

So -maybe I am just venting. But this is not what we signed up for !

 

[njhowie]

You should make it known that too much is falling on you.

Either you or your daughter need to have a talk with husband and let him know that you do not babysit so he can have his game/personal time. In that time, it's his responsibility to take care of his kids. He gets his game/personal time when he is employed, bringing home the bacon, and can afford to pay for daycare or a babysitter. That is not you.

 

[Sojourner]

Either you or your daughter need to have a talk with husband and let him know that you do not babysit so he can have his game/personal time. In that time, it's his responsibility to take care of his kids. He gets his game/personal time when his is employed, bringing home the bacon, and can afford to pay for daycare or a babysitter. That is not you.

+1000 to the bolded sentence above.

 

[dak2018]

It is not clear if they are living with you. If not, at the end of your "shift" simply get up and go home. You are not a party to the relationship between your daughter and her husband, so you should facilitate them solving their own problem by making yourself absent from the situation.

Tough love, but people rise to the occasion or fail miserably. Might as well get on with it either way.

 

[RunningBum]

Make sure you are clear in talking with them. Some of what you write here is not straightforward, like Husband is very challenged to not have “personal” time.
I understand in context of the post what that means, but if this is the way you discuss with them, I could see how there could be a disconnect. That sentence takes a lot of effort to parse and I'm still not sure of the wording.

Our daughter sacrifices everything.
I'm wondering why you are still so busy if this is the case.

End result - we rarely are getting any time off, generally have to run to get stuff that runs out during week (milk, diapers, etc).
Is the problem that they are not organized? They should be able to stock up on diapers. Not so with milk, obviously, but it should be fairly predictable. Can't things like this be planned so that you make one mid-week run? You shouldn't have to make a milk run today, no request for diapers because they still have some, but tomorrow they see they are getting very low and you have to make a diaper run that day.

 

[retire48in2018]

We are staying with them - our home is 1,000 miles away

 

[ivinsfan]

I'm confused you said it's an 8 week course so what have you been doing for months?


After another 4 weeks when the course is over what will you be doing?


This happened to my Mom and I"M still mad about it. Younger by 13 years sister had a baby and in the history of time was the only person to ever have a baby and a job.


Mom was at her house where 2 employed adults with lots of money lived. she was there for close to 12 hours a day 5 days a week. Sis hubby would pick up and drop off Mom on the way to his work. Mom would make tea and go up and WAKE up my sister to get ready for work. Mom would babysit an infant do the cleaning, the laundry and make supper.



This went on for 2 stinking years. Mom would tell me I'm tired I don't want to do this anymore did I mention she was 70? My response was you need to tell sister it's time for her to find daycare and a housekeeper. Mom got cancer went from babysitting to treatment to dead in less then 4 months.


You know what sister says about all this 20 years later I'm sure glad Mom to spend time with kid before she died. Clueless...BTW when Mom was dying sister somehow managed to arrange for childcare go figure.!


If you want back away you need to do now or after the training because the longer you wait the harder it gets.

 

[retire48in2018]

Concern about pushing back - that husband does not make it through training meeting all requirements.

Training program is unique in that, hiring “parters” are very involved, etc. They help with interviewing skills, etc as well.

I’d like to have that meeting - and set boundaries better. Risk is that husband remains unemployed, unmotivated or insufficiently ambitious to land reasonable employment.

 

[ivinsfan]

Concern about pushing back - that husband does not make it through training meeting all requirements.

Training program is unique in that, hiring “parters” are very involved, etc. They help with interviewing skills, etc as well.

I’d like to have that meeting - and set boundaries better. Risk is that husband remains unemployed, unmotivated or insufficiently ambitious to land reasonable employment.

You have four weeks to discuss with your hubby what you want to do when the training is over. Start that discussion so when training is done you present a united front to your family.

 

[retire48in2018]

As far as running out - no excuse. Should not happen.

Somehow, DW & I end up having to go buy it. They are not organized. It is typical of them - to run laundry when no clean clothes, and then dig for clean clothes from hamper for days. Not clean dishes or kitchen - until total disaster- then just what’s needed for that meal.

That is well below our standards, so we have been cleaning and doing kid’s laundry (not theirs), etc.

So running out of babies stuff - very normal for them

We are filling that gap as well…

 

[Sunset]

Concern about pushing back - that husband does not make it through training meeting all requirements.

Training program is unique in that, hiring “parters” are very involved, etc. They help with interviewing skills, etc as well.

I’d like to have that meeting - and set boundaries better. Risk is that husband remains unemployed, unmotivated or insufficiently ambitious to land reasonable employment.

I have no advice, but I sympathize with you.

Your story strikes a similar sound to ours:
I could be wrong, but it seems to me our DD has married a pretty inept and lazy fellow that likes to play sports but not do any work around the house, even outside. He goes from lower skilled jobs to other lower skilled jobs and has not improved himself. His idea of a fantastic job is one paying $25/hr.
The good side is he loves her, and is kind. We have no indication of a bad marriage.

 

[RunningBum]

Concern about pushing back - that husband does not make it through training meeting all requirements.

Well, suck it up for 4 more weeks then.

 

[ivinsfan]

We are staying with them - our home is 1,000 miles away

You left that detail out! For one that makes it way more in your face on both sides.


Gut through drive back home and lf/when you return talk about those boundaries I mentioned.


It's also OK the check in to a local hotel for a long weekend and say we need some down alone time, it's not like they can fire you.

 

[retire48in2018]

First we were here for baby 2 birth and initial support.

Break for couple weeks

Then, course #1 - 8 weeks

Break for 1 week

Now, course #2 - 8 weeks again.

So, it’s been months.

 

[ivinsfan]

First we were here for baby 2 birth and initial support.

Break for couple weeks

Then, course #1 - 8 weeks

Break for 1 week

Now, course #2 - 8 weeks again.

So, it’s been months.

In your shoes I'd have a lot of proximity fatigue which I'm sure is true for both couples

 

[livingalmostlarge]

why didn't or don't you get a VRBO? Can you afford it? If so then move out and call it a wash of BTD. Then leave the kiddos to their parents.

 

[Act2]

Tough dynamic. No advice from me, just glad the training phase is only 4 more weeks.

 

[Aerides]

When does this 2nd course end? Assuming it's a matter of weeks, and you've committed to it, I would just wait it out, and then go back home (and stay there).

Maybe over the next month, you say to your SIL 'Hey, baby needs diapers, DAD!"

but you also say you don't want to upset the apple cart...so might be better to keep schtum and finish the course.

 

[Irishgirlyc58]

I think you should stay out of the conversation on which parent does what. It isn’t any of your business how they organize the care of their children or any other part of their lives.
What is your business is how much you and your wife contribute to caring for the children.
Settle on the number of days and times or stick to the original agreement. If you choose to do more that is the choice you are making regardless of what your SIL does with his time.
And I say all this as someone who has had to bite my tongue a lot.

 

[ivinsfan]

When does this 2nd course end? Assuming it's a matter of weeks, and you've committed to it, I would just wait it out, and then go back home (and stay there).

Maybe over the next month, you say to your SIL 'Hey, baby needs diapers, DAD!"

but you also say you don't want to upset the apple cart...so might be better to keep schtum and finish the course.

I don't understand why none of these adults know about auto order free diaper delivery. Who actually runs out to the store to buy diapers anymore. With what diapers cost it would be almost nothing to hit the minimum free number which is usually 35 bucks and if you have Amazon prime its not even a factor.

 

[Dash man]

Can you afford to help with child care costs, rather than being the providers?
We helped our kids, one couple has 3yo twins that are a handful. But we let them live in a former rental property we have. The other son we actually purchased a similar townhome for his family. That way one son is a stay at home dad with the twins, and the other parents both work wild their son is in childcare. We occasionally watch the kids when something comes up, but just enough to get our grand babies fix. Everyone is happy.

 

[retire48in2018]

Thanks for the replies

Child care watching options are extremely limited here - especially evening and weekends

We’ll probably stick it out for the next 4 weeks and then go home.

DW and I need a break! But, we will certainly have a nice break after 4 weeks. Maybe we can arrange something before then.

 

[skyking1]

I have read through a bit and have a suggestion. It is not a pushback or too much to declare that you are taking a day off to do "X". It sounds to me like you could use it. Make a plan with your wife as to what " X" will please you both the most, and get it done.

 

[Dreamer]

I think that it is very admirable that you are helping them out. It is hard, but they are younger and should have more energy than either of you.

I do not think that it is appropriate for either of you to talk to either of them about how they run their marriage. I think that this could end up causing many problems.

You have committed to helping them during this time period, so that is what I would do. I would take some time off during this time period, so that you don't burn out completely. It would be good to go to a hotel for the weekend or an AirBNB. When your time is up, then I would go home and relax.

I have helped my DD's family when they lived 400 miles away from home. I was there one time for 6 weeks and another time for 8 weeks. My DH would not be away from home for that long, so that made it hard. They had 3 children and the last two are 1 year and 9 months apart in age. There have been times when DH and I have bit our tongues. They just moved back to within walking distance from our house. They have matured, our DGKs are now 13, 7 and 5. We enjoy being with each other. Life is good.

Don't burn any bridges. Life goes by so quickly. Hope everything turns out good for you guys too.

 

[pacergal]

OP--you are in a difficult situation! It is so hard as parents to watch our kids struggle/make poor choices and reap negative consequences. But that is part of maturing.

Does your Daughter work outside the home, is that why you are there during the day, to save them childcare costs? It sounds as if you originally agreed the at least one of you are available sun up to sun down, why was that?

Choices:
--bite your tongue and wait out the next 4 weeks, head home on time, no delay to what you initially agreed too. Set limits next time, before you go, and stick to them. Stay in a hotel when you visit, so it is easier to come and go.
or
--sit down with DD and SiL, discuss changes needed now, for you and DW sake, as far as sticking to the original times, in order to stay longer. Plan on leaving for your own health if needed!

Best of luck to you. It sounds like DD and SiL have a lifestyle that is hard for you regarding how they run their house hold. Difficult for parents not to step in, but so necessary. They are adults and parents. As long as no one is at risk of injury, stay out of it.