FI and dating

[Scrooge]

I was wondering how single people who have achieved FI handle precious metals excavators? Sometimes it feels like FI means that you have to be doubly and triply paranoid about who you date. The last single young female that I worked with had "Here comes the answer to all of my [self-inflicted] financial problems!" painted with bright neon letters on her forehead 

 

[haha]

One way is to move to Asia and do pay as you go.

Ha

 

[crazy connie]

PRECIOUS METAL Excavators... Gold Diggers come in both sexes. FI negates need for togetherness but does not mean a partner would not be a nice addition. Challenge is to find a compatable one who is also FI minded... I did not "LBYM" and accumulate to finance anothers retirement and offspring. :

 

[Ed_The_Gypsy]

Connie, you ain't so crazy!

 

[crazy connie]

Connie, you ain't so crazy!

Nope... Just alone. Enjoy it mostly but would prefer to share... Just gotta be aware of too high a price! Cat food on SS is not terribly appealing!

 

[wabmester]

Scrooge, I think we've solved your problem. Connie, meet Scrooge. Scrooge, meet Connie.

 

[Ed_The_Gypsy]

This is the time of life where 'alternate living arrangements' make sense, as do Prenuptual Agreements. You need to protect yourself.

 

[crazy connie]

And where should I send the Matchmakers fee Mr Scrooge?  

 

[Dawg52]

Nope...  Just alone.   Enjoy it mostly but would prefer to share...  Just gotta be aware of too high a price!  Cat food on SS is not terribly appealing!

Hey baby whats up?    You think your cat would get along with my dog?

 

[Scrooge]

And where should I send the Matchmakers fee Mr Scrooge?  

See? See? I step out for an hour and when I come back I am being asked to pay matchmaker's fees! They are all out to get me! And my money!

But I will be strong, strong... I will not succumb to paranoia! Um, did I just see something move under the desk?..   

 

[crazy connie]

Hey baby whats up?    You think your cat would get along with my dog?

Cat food can go to Humane Society! I much prefer a sweet puppy.

 

[crazy connie]

See? See? I step out for an hour and when I come back I am being asked to pay matchmaker's fees! They are all out to get me! And my money!

But I will be strong, strong... I will not succumb to paranoia! Um, did I just see something move under the desk?..   

I can afford the fees Mr Scrooge. If the "match" is worth my while!

 

[Scrooge]

Hm, let's see. A dog loving widow in Phoenix, AZ; NW of a couple of million; 2 adult children who get LBYM; ready to sell the house and get out of the stove.

Sounds too good to be true, must be a trap!

[checks the pantry for black helicopters]

 

[kat]

First thing all my best male friends, every single one of them, said to me when they heard about my money situation: Don't tell any men.

 

[Scrooge]

First thing all my best male friends, every single one of them, said to me when they heard about my money situation:   Don't tell any men.

But of course! They wanted you for themselves! 

 

[Sheryl]

This thread is so romantic that I hate to un-hijack it.  

But, Scrooge, why do they know your financial situation    

My SO and I dated for about two years, feeling things out (SHUT UP) and only gradually revealing our net worths after much discussion of LBYM FIRE goals, and suprisingly found ourselves to be quite equal in goals and assests.

 

[Scrooge]

But, Scrooge, why do they know your financial situation    

Er, ahem...  I was a little indiscreet at work last year when the "projected yeraly income over the next 50 years if I stop working NOW" curve intersected the "projected yearly expenses for the next 50 years" curve. I didn't post my net worth on the corporate intranet  but I let it be known that I didn't absolutely have to work any more and was now in the "feathering the nest" phase.

In retrospect, it was one of those "immediate gratification" decisions that I should have learned to avoid as part of my LBYM lifestyle 

 

[haha]

I can afford the fees Mr Scrooge.  If the "match" is worth my while! 

Hey Scrooge, I think you are seeing a hanging curve ball. Take your swing old man. Good luck to what could become the first of many romantic resolutions. Just another service of the Early-Retiement Forum.

Ha

 

[AltaRed]

I like where connie is coming from regarding keeping personal wealth out of sight when dating. It works both ways. Personally, I would think it better for FI's to try to seek each other out, e.g. 2 business owners or managers or similar, and being careful not to flaunt any wealth until the relationship becomes more certain. If you are already LBYM, then the wealth won't show up in physical possessions anyway in any material significance.

Takes some of the potential mates out of circulation but helps to avoid the gold diggers.

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

what difference does it make if someone likes you for your big bank account or your big, um, heart, because you make someone laugh or because you are a good listener or because you are drop dead gorgeous?

it's not like you're the only target with money who might attract their aim. nor is money necessarily the only quality they seek. it might not even be to gain worth they neither earned nor inherited, nor to achieve status imagined inherently deserved.

it might just be a worthy someone looking for some security in life. it might just be someone who admires another with financial finesse, someone with a talent or simply a discipline they never managed to muster on their own.

i've had pretty much the entire package twice in my life but, from what i hear, i understand that very few people ever get that even once. still, it is nothing i expect to find or to be for another. and if someone wants to pick just two of my qualities to hook up with me, i would not be too upset if one was my big checkbook and the other my big, um, heart.

 

[Sheryl]

In retrospect, it was one of those "immediate gratification" decisions that I should have learned to avoid as part of my LBYM lifestyle 

Ah, well, can't blame you for showing a little excitement over your success!

 

[Scrooge]

what difference does it make if someone likes you for your big bank account or your big, um, heart, because you make someone laugh or because you are a good listener or because you are drop dead gorgeous?

Well, one difference that immediately comes to mind is that once you hook up with someone with self-inflicted financial problems, they become your self-inflicted financial problems 

At one point a friend of mine decided that "two can live as cheaply as one", that there are economies of scale to be realized, and all that stuff. 4 years, 1 divorce and hundreds of thousands of dollars later, he is still trying to figure out where he went wrong 

The other problem with dating people who "like you for your big bank account" is that it distorts the relationship in many subtle and not so subtle ways. For example, the young female that I mentioned in my first post in this thread did her best to convince me that we had many interests in common. And we probably did have some shared interests, but how could I be sure what part was real and what part was fake when she was pushing it so hard? 

and if someone wants to pick just two of my qualities to hook up with me, i would not be too upset if one was my big checkbook and the other my big, um, heart.

That's OK, you can have them all  8)

 

[Andre1969]

Also, if someone only wants you for your bank account, and nothing else, there's going to be no love there. You might love them, and devote alot of emotion and feeling to them, but you won't get it back. And the second you come to your senses and stop playing sugar daddy/sugar mommy, or if something better comes along, they'll drop you like a hot rock.

Now that's not to say that your impressive bank account can't be part of a well-rounded package. But in the end, they have to love you for YOU, not just your money and your ability to spoil them. Otherwise, you'll end up feeling unfulfilled and used in that type of relationship. At least I know I would.

 

[justin]

If you are "cheap" (I mean, er, LBYM or frugal or something) in real everyday life, then don't change your personality for dating and seeking relationships. I'm not saying don't spend a dime on dates. Just keep it real.

If you like spending your leisure time taking (free) strolls in the park and watching black/white (free romantic) movies on your 27" tv at home and an exciting evening is watching your favorite sports team (on your 27" tv at home) play their rivals and knocking back a couple of domestic (cheap) brews, then your potential mate should figure this out pretty quick.

Taking a lady out to the best 4 star restaurant in town and hiring a private harpist to serenade her on your back deck as you whisper sweet nothings in her ear would mislead her as to how you typically spend your money. Assuming the relationship works, the problem will arise a few years down the road when you inform your mate that you really don't like spending all that money on valueless pursuits and that the mexican joint around the corner suits your tastebuds just as well as the unpronounceable french cuisine on the 4 star restaurant's menu.

Bottom line - if she knows you're a cheapskate when she dates you and she is ok with it, she won't have a problem living the cheapskate life in the long term. If she grows to expect white glove treatment from you while dating, you can't marry her and expect her to expect anything less than what she has grown accustomed to. You can have a romantic and/or good time with a date without spending a ton of money. It's the thought that counts, except when it comes to flowers. Then it's the flowers that count.

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

my entire package buddy and i were a little nutz and so we used to pick some new friends off the seawall. no joke. most of these people were without money and were just hanging out, dreaming of being on a yacht one day. well, we made their dreams come true and some of those people became good friends of ours.

my brother married a person who had no money and whose family had none either. plus she was a spender. to protect family wealth, my scared-for-him, practical-for-us parents insisted that for my brother to stay in the family business he had to have a prenup with her. over the years i have watched as she turned into a financially responsible, lovely person, who deeply loves my brother, does a great job with their kids and has been a wonderful dil to my long-dieing, alzheimer's-ridden mom. but then, i suppose, it's not every gold digger who will change your mother's diaper and clean her breasts. hey, gold digger doesn't sound so complimentary now, does it?

if i was of scientific mind, doing a documentary for pbs on the mating rituals of str8 people, i certainly would feature the female's nesting abilities. my chauvinistic point being, she might not just be a gold digger, she might be securing a secure future for her future kids, or even for herself, as if that were a terrible thing.

something is going to attract, on first sight, someone to you. it might be your karma or aura if you want to count on that, it might be your smile, it might be how you carry yourself.

here's an experiement you can try now that you're retired and have the time. hit the gym for a year, get yerself buff, hop in a ferrari you've leased for the night and drive up to a gaggle of women hanging outside of some nightclub and see how many you attract.

ok, now take a year and stuff your face and put on 50 lbs. don't shower or shave for a week, walk to a bar and see which chic is attracted to the inner you.

i'm not suggesting you have to play sugar daddy/mommy to anyone. i'm simply showing first how initial attraction does not necessarily become the core of a relationship, but, more importantly, i'm hoping to bring to light how we use all sorts of excuses to isolate ourselves from perceived dangers in the world. what a shame to let your fortune keep you from enjoying someone who seeks on first sight the very quality you've spent a lifetime achieving.

there's an old saying: putting your guard up will keep you safe, but letting your guard down will get you laid.