Off shoot from Nord's thread re aging parents

[Khan]

Mother died in Feb '03. I found out in Jun '03 when the nursing home called me to pay the bill. Yes, I was signed up to pay without any asking.

I assume Father is still alive. Maybe some day I'll be contacted to pay for his care.

But you know, I really don't care anymore.

 

[Brat]

Now is the time to draw a line. You have no financial obligation.

 

[Achiever51]

Wow. This is one of the saddest posts I've ever read. Really.

 

[Nords]

Wow. This is one of the saddest posts I've ever read. Really.

I understand exactly how she feels. And I think my father felt the same way when his father had to enter a full-care facility.

 

[KB]

I don't know what to say either, but I'm sorry your family turned out that way.

 

[Khan]

I understand exactly how she feels. And I think my father felt the same way when his father had to enter a full-care facility.

Have no partner or children. I'm leaving all my stuff to charity/organizations/individuals.

 

[Moemg]

I am so sorry you have been estranged from your parents . That must be so hard !

 

[deserat]

I can understand the OP - as alluded to in the "poor" thread - luck is also evident in parenting as well. I myself agonize over the appropriate involvement with one of my parents. I feel a sense of obligation if something happens, but interaction beyond a certain amount of time and/or regarding specific subjects is painful.

 

[Orchidflower]

I get you Kahn and understand. Kind of like how all my biological father's kids--including me--felt about him. When you are so narcissistic you ignore your kids, you can't expect any of them to want to take you in or put themselves out for you in your old age.
Sad situation but it's reality for some. Guess the lesson is: treat your children well.

 

[kevink]

I really appreciate Nord's original thread and this one. It really helps to know others are going through these situations and doing the best they can. My mother lives on her own at 78, is in frail health but will not hear of any sort of group or assisted living situation. We actually moved to the small town she lives in in order to be there for her, and found to our surprise we saw her hardly any more often than when we lived halfway across the country.

She is a control freak (to the point of managing her neighbors by sending cards so as to avoid actual personal contact) who at the same time talks (on the phone only, your dime!) of wanting to be close to family and being lonely (yet will not accept a free computer for email access and has repeatedly gone in for major surgery without telling any of us "so as not to worry us"). I've been on my own and self-supporting since age 17 and she's driven to see us and my sister and her son twice in 35 years (now won't travel at all).

Setting boundaries with parents like this is a challenge, to say the least. I know I still owe her an un-repayable debt just for bringing me into the world and raising me, yet were it not for that fact I would probably just cease all contact with her.

Fortunately my wife comes from a loving and supportive family so I have another model out there that is anything but dysfunctional.

 

[Brat]

There are some things that you cannot change. My thoughts are similar to what I told Nord, find a spy...

Perhaps you could give her a medic alert type necklace so that she could call for help if she fell at home. Odds are she will have a crisis at home, not be able to call for help and pass away.

 

[harley]

I really appreciate Nord's original thread and this one. It really helps to know others are going through these situations and doing the best they can. My mother lives on her own at 78, is in frail health but will not hear of any sort of group or assisted living situation. We actually moved to the small town she lives in in order to be there for her, and found to our surprise we saw her hardly any more often than when we lived halfway across the country.

She is a control freak (to the point of managing her neighbors by sending cards so as to avoid actual personal contact) who at the same time talks (on the phone only, your dime!) of wanting to be close to family and being lonely (yet will not accept a free computer for email access and has repeatedly gone in for major surgery without telling any of us "so as not to worry us"). I've been on my own and self-supporting since age 17 and she's driven to see us and my sister and her son twice in 35 years (now won't travel at all).

Setting boundaries with parents like this is a challenge, to say the least. I know I still owe her an un-repayable debt just for bringing me into the world and raising me, yet were it not for that fact I would probably just cease all contact with her.

Fortunately my wife comes from a loving and supportive family so I have another model out there that is anything but dysfunctional.

Man, I didn't know I had a brother out there! Mom must be keeping us separate for manipulation purposes.

 

[Purron]

The reality is, seeing our parents grow frail, old and helpless is very difficult, regardless of the status of our relationship with them. It forces us to consider our own possible futures.

 

[Nords]

It forces us to consider our own possible futures.

Our daughter's considering our possible futures, too...

 

[Orchidflower]

Interesting, Nords. My son's already counting the money he hopes to get I think..ha!

 

[Urchina]

. I know I still owe her an un-repayable debt just for bringing me into the world and raising me, yet were it not for that fact I would probably just cease all contact with her.
.

Speaking as a mother, I brought my children into the world for my personal enjoyment and pleasure, not theirs. They owe me nothing for their free ticket in; I hope to earn their respect and love as adults. But that's something I've got to earn -- it's not their due to me.

 

[WhoDaresWins]

Very true, Urchina. I love my son unconditionally, and I don't feel he "owes" me anything. I think the most important thing to successful living at any age is to cultivate supportive peer relationships with friends. And family, too, if you would like them if you could choose them as friends. I stay in touch with my extended family and also the family of my late husband as I think it is the proper thing to do. Some of them I actually like. The only people I share the innermost details of my life, however, with are a couple of close, long-time female friends. My parents died a long time ago...Mom when I was 21 and Dad when I was 28.

 

[Nords]

... I brought my children into the world for my personal enjoyment and pleasure, not theirs.

Holy crap, what were we thinking?!?

 

[freebird5825]

I can relate to Khan's post on several levels. Some of us draw the "DNA from hell" card in life.
My one surviving parent is my biological father, estranged for several decades. My siblings are not much better. It's been that way for years. This is "normal" for me. At the age of 28, I figured out that I have no control over their behavior, but I do have control over my own reaction to it. This is very empowering.
Fast forward to the present...I became very popular with "the family" when I was suddenly widowed 5 years ago, but I smartly held it all at bay.
I choose to surround myself with positive people, hence my string of "adopted" relatives who are really close friends. Life is good.

 

[WhoDaresWins]

I can relate to Khan's post on several levels. Some of us draw the "DNA from hell" card in life.
My one surviving parent is my biological father, estranged for several decades. My siblings are not much better. It's been that way for years. This is "normal" for me. At the age of 28, I figured out that I have no control over their behavior, but I do have control over my own reaction to it. This is very empowering.
Fast forward to the present...I became very popular with "the family" when I was suddenly widowed 5 years ago, but I smartly held it all at bay.
I choose to surround myself with positive people, hence my string of "adopted" relatives who are really close friends. Life is good.

Quite right, FB. No point in having toxic family in your life. I have one family member on my husband's side that I avoid like the plague....won't go to any function that would throw me together with this person. And I know all about becoming "popular with the family" when there are some resources involved...even when some of these same people are quite likely better off than I.

 

[toofrugalformycat]

At the age of 28, I figured out that I have no control over their behavior, but I do have control over my own reaction to it. This is very empowering.

Amen! You figured this out sooner than I did but I'm there now too.

 

[Khan]

I can relate to Khan's post on several levels. Some of us draw the "DNA from hell" card in life.
My one surviving parent is my biological father, estranged for several decades. My siblings are not much better. It's been that way for years. This is "normal" for me. At the age of 28, I figured out that I have no control over their behavior, but I do have control over my own reaction to it. This is very empowering.
Fast forward to the present...I became very popular with "the family" when I was suddenly widowed 5 years ago, but I smartly held it all at bay.
I choose to surround myself with positive people, hence my string of "adopted" relatives who are really close friends. Life is good.

I will clarify something.

Father was faithful and caring and took care of Mother as her condition kept deteriorating.

I just never got along with any of them but Mother.

Probably it's nobody's 'fault'.

 

[Redbugdave]

You are not alone Khan. No sense being around where you are not wanted. And you hit the nail on the head Freebird! For me, it had taken years to get over the hurt and realization and get on with life. Now life is great and I have surrounded myself with great friends.