Child-free

[nash031]

So, I searched the topic and the latest thread on this was back in 2007. Today, I've read two others who are mid-30s, child-free and intending to stay that way. I became curious...

Background: I am 36, DW is 33. We are presently child-free, but are always discussing the should we/shouldn't we. If we do, we will have two. We have a plan in place that would likely allow us to retire forever at (my) age 42 under our present and forecasted (child-free) financial situation. We have a great start even if we have kiddos, and thus would likely be able to retire late-40s or early 50s.

So, for those forum members who are child-free, was there anything that drove you to that conclusion? Or just a "I don't really want kids?" Or were you in the group that thinks "if I don't KNOW that I want kids, I shouldn't have them?"

Wife and I kinda fall in that last group right now. We wonder if we can be the best parents we can be if we aren't just SURE that we want kids. I would say we favor having kids by a 60/40 margin, but neither one of us will commit to one or the other. We do acknowledge the opportunity cost of NOT having kids, and that's what keeps us in the game (the joy, the opportunity to teach and learn from children, the purpose they give to your life - NOT the "I hope they'll take care of me or keep me company"... you can't guarantee that).

Interested in thoughts, or if I missed a more recent thread on this, point me there!! Thanks!

 

[Meadbh]

Either way you need to decide soon. The risks increase significantly with the ages of both parents, especially the mother.

 

[FIREd]

Most of our friends have kids and we like to spend time with their family but we never go home thinking that we should have kids of our own. As we are turning 40 and the childbearing window is closing, we still have no desire to have children. So we figure that we don't really want kids.

 

[truenorth418]

I am turning 50 soon. Single no kids. Retired.

I actually think I would be a better father and am more interested now than I ever was while working. I was so stressed out and spent far too many hours in work mode when I was younger.

 

[nash031]

Either way you need to decide soon. The risks increase significantly with the ages of both parents, especially the mother.

Yeah, we know, and our "ideal" window (with respect to my job) is probably the next year to year-and-a-half if we decide to start. DW is also employed and doesn't necessarily want to give up her career. One aspect of the FIRE life that we've considered is my retiring at 42 (with mil pension and our savings) and her continuing her career. With her current income and my pension, our savings rate would be very low, but we'd be fine and we have a great start toward FI as is. I could be Mr. Mom... and a kept man.

 

[youbet]

Interested in thoughts..........

This is such an individual, personal decision that it's really hard to comment. We all pass through life once and do the best we can to make the most of it. Whether "making the most of it" involves parenting, well that's where you're going to have to make some big boy decisions no one else can make for you. Clearly, for those who have the choice, the kids/no-kids decision has to rank near the top of life's "forks in the road."

It sounds like you have a good handle on either path. And whichever you pick, there will be future doubts as to whether the decision was the best one. I have a feeling you'll have moments of happiness/fulfillment and moments of doubt whichever fork you follow.

 

[Sarah in SC]

I was never very child-centric, but figured that if it just got all over me in my 30s, that we'd have kids. I kept waiting for that clock to go off at 35, like all those ladies had warned me...and it didn't. I don't think you should have them unless you are WAY into it.

Now that I'm 43, I'm really really really glad we didn't choose to have kids. The stress and cost would not have been worth it, I don't think. We have such a peaceful and carefree life compared to the folks with kids, and not nearly as much to fight about!

I guess if I were you, I'd keep thinking about it, and seeing if your wife got baby crazy in the next couple of years. Thank god I didn't.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Half of the people we hang out with had kids, half didn't. I don't see any difference in the two groups' levels of happiness, fiscal achievements, retirement ages, career advancement, etc., etc. Such a personal decision.

 

[kareninthecity]

Childless

My husband and I don't have kids. When I was of that age and my friends and sibling wanted to have children, they all had this burning desire to have babies. I did not have that desire and thought it unfair to have a child because I was "supposed" to. That said, we have many children in our lives whom I love deeply - nieces, nephews, godchildren - and feel truly blessed. It really is a personal decision and one that no one can make for you.

 

[powerplay]

I have never wanted children and do not regret not having any. There are several generations of nieces and nephews so I get to enjoy the babies and children though not often since none live in my city.

As others have said it's a very personal decision and only you and your spouse can decide if you want to have children.

 

[sengsational]

I could have been the author of the original post in this thread 23 years ago. But minus the RE aspect, since that wasn't on the radar at the time. DW helped me to understand the "purpose/meaning" thing, and she being traditionally minded, we ended up with kids. I'd say they were somewhat expensive, but generally ours (two girls) didn't seem to contribute much in the way of stress, and any stress that did come about was dwarfed by tons of other interesting and fun stuff. Of course it is simply not possible for anyone past that decision to say they took the wrong path, hehe!

 

[Gumby]

When the young wife and I got married, we were 23 and 25, respectively. At that point, we assumed that we would have children, but I was in the Navy and regularly deploying, so it did not seem like a propitious time to do so. Shortly after I left active duty, she started grad school, which also seemed like a bad time. When she finished grad school, I went to law school. Ditto. Then, of course, we were both starting out in new and demanding professional careers, recovering financially from having gone to school, and saving to buy a house. When the smoke finally cleared, we were in our late 30s and still childless. At that point, we took a good look around and mutually concluded that we were fulfilled and happy as is, so we never did have children.

 

[Khan]

Never wanted, never had, never saw the point.

 

[audreyh1]

I was never very child-centric, but figured that if it just got all over me in my 30s, that we'd have kids. I kept waiting for that clock to go off at 35, like all those ladies had warned me...and it didn't. I don't think you should have them unless you are WAY into it.

That's how it went down for me, plus then I married a guy who really didn't want children.

I have two young nephews who are pretty good grandchildren substitutes since my SIL is a generation younger than I.

 

[scrabbler1]

I am single, 50, and childfree. I knew when I was 20 years old I never wanted to have any kids. While I was never enthusiastic about having kids, two summers as a day-camp counselor sealed the deal in the early 1980s.

I attribute my ability to retire in late 2008 at age 45 in large part to being childfree. Best and most important decision I ever made.

 

[imoldernu]

So, for those forum members who are child-free, was there anything that drove you to that conclusion? Or just a "I don't really want kids?" Or were you in the group that thinks "if I don't KNOW that I want kids, I shouldn't have them?"

According to your stipulation, I shouldn't be on this thread, but....

Four boys... now 48 to 55...
Wouldn't trade the joy of having children for anything. Still love watching young minds develop, and the warmth that it brings to marriage.

As to the question of having children. For us no question. The fact that any question exists... well...

Current cost for a child birth to age 18, $241K. That's before college expenses. College another $100K to $250K. Girls... wedding costs.

A dollar here, a dollar there, and first thing ya know...
.....................................................................................................
If I were to set up a test to measure whether a couple would be happy with children, it would be to have a dog... maybe a golden retriever. Dealing with the occasional $700 vet bill, house training, walking the dog every morning, afternoon and evening... rain snow or heat. Buying the dog food, letting him out to poop, cleaning up the dog hair on the sofa and the carpet, getting the shots, and the registration. Then going on vacation... searching for the right place that accepts dogs, or boarding him at $38/day... if you're lucky.
Being home on time... all the time, to "let the dog out"... And after all of that, going through the agony of watching him grow old and die, and losing the best friend you ever had.
Then... comparing that to bringing up a child... except that the child will take up more of your time and effort than having 10 dogs.... and then some, like being prepared for things to go wrong... health-wise, personality wise, and things like Downs, or ADD or some other handicap.

With kids, you can't hunker down if things go wrong and struggle through the tough times with your spouse... The kid(s) come first, and choices become limited.

That said... we wouldn't trade our kids for the world, nor the 30 years of having extra people in the house... and now, almost like the second time around... a second chance... here:
http://www.early-retirement.org/forums/f27/recent-photo-50002-13.html#post1292344

You can't put a dollar sign or any kind of measure on that.

 

[Fermion]

We are 44 and 43 and do not have kids or plan to have kids. I think for us our marriage has benefitted from not having kids because we enjoy spending time together hiking/camping/sailing/skiing/motorcycling, most of which would be hard to do with a small child. I have also noticed a few of our friends with kids who so value the few hours they are away from the wife and kids (or husband and kids). That just doesn't seem like happiness. An example was one coworker saying how nice it was going to be because his wife was taking the kids to her parents for the weekend and he would get the house all to himself.

I have seen a few people who had a kid to "save" the marriage and it never works out well.

 

[braumeister]

Either way you need to decide soon. The risks increase significantly with the ages of both parents, especially the mother.

We married in our 40s. This is the reason we decided against having a family.

(Well, plus the fact that we both came from dysfunctional families. Enough of that, already!)

DW likes to say that we did the world a favor by "taking two of them off the street."

 

[Silver]

I have always enjoyed being with children and my entire career was in the field of pediatric nursing. Even when I rose through the ranks of middle management to senior management it has always been within a hospital solely dedicated to pediatric care. I like kids a lot better than I like adults.

That said.....I never wanted my own children. I just couldn't see myself enjoying that lifestyle. I had friends that told me I was selfish.....which I always thought was odd. Selfish to me is wanting a child of your own when there are so many already born that need families.

At this point in my life I am very happy I am childless and know I made the right decision for myself.

 

[Fermion]

We married in our 40s. This is the reason we decided against having a family.

(Well, plus the fact that we both came from dysfunctional families. Enough of that, already!)

DW likes to say that we did the world a favor by "taking two of them off the street."

I forgot about that reason. My first cousin is also my second cousin and my aunt's mother is her sister. Our family tree has no branches.

(well really the first case was first cousins marrying sisters (unrelated) and the second case was a sister adopting her much younger sister when both parents died)

 

[nash031]

Thanks to all for replies thus far!!

A few comments:

- I don't care if people with kids want to comment and didn't mean to qualify the original post that way. It helps to read both sides, so thanks imodernu for your inputs! I welcome the thoughts of others WITH children regarding how they came to that conclusion, particularly if they struggled with the decision.

- DW and both know we have to make the decision for ourselves, but I like reading others' thoughts, as does she... gives us more discussion points! We know there's no light switch that's going to come on and that we'll have to make the call someday very soon!

- "Selfish" - my wife and I have actually used this word, but not in the way that we think being child-free is selfish. Rather, we're not sure we're willing to sacrifice things we enjoy about life right now in order to raise children. I guess that might be the same thing, but I don't see how anyone can sit there and judge another for making that decision. To me, it'd be far worse to have children simply to satisfy those around you. If someone's going to judge you enough to call you "selfish" to your face because you don't have kids, that's not someone I care to associate with. Maybe - IF we choose not have children - someone will call us that, and then I will find out who our friends are.

- Interesting that imoldernu brought up the dog test. Our 1-year-old pup (rescued less than a month ago) is sitting on my lap as I type! Big adjustment for both of us, but while she's frustratingly difficult to train and very skittish, particularly with me, she's opening up little by little and we really love having her around and taking her on adventures. That this is a micro-micro-version of the commitment required to raise a child isn't lost on us, either, but we are really having fun with the pup and intend on getting a second as soon as this one is 100% bonded and comfortable with us and 100% housebroken.

Again, thanks for the thoughts and feedback. I figured there is a higher percentage of child-free folks on an Early Retirement forum than in the general population since being DINK or SINK is a pretty "easy" way to reduce living expenses!!

 

[Meadbh]

I have always enjoyed being with children and my entire career was in the field of pediatric nursing. Even when I rose through the ranks of middle management to senior management it has always been within a hospital solely dedicated to pediatric care. I like kids a lot better than I like adults.

That said.....I never wanted my own children. I just couldn't see myself enjoying that lifestyle. I had friends that told me I was selfish.....which I always thought was odd. Selfish to me is wanting a child of your own when there are so many already born that need families.

At this point in my life I am very happy I am childless and know I made the right decision for myself.

Substitute pediatric medicine for pediatric nursing and that's me to a T.

 

[Derslickmeister]

Raising our daughter to be the wonderful, loving, caring person that she is has been the only real contribution I have made to society, everything else pales in comparison. She's an elementary school teacher that really loves her students and her job. I can't wait for the wonderful, loving, caring grandkids she will soon deliver, if that no account husband of hers ever gets off the snide that is just kidding, he's a great guy...

 

[ShortInSeattle]

We're mid thirties and childfree. I got the lady-snip at age 27.

I think it comes down to if you want to have children and if have an interest in being a parent. As much as us childfree folks like to say it helps us reach FIRE faster, I've never met a parent-by-choice who regretted their kids. For most parents, the emotional rewards are substantial. Our siblings are great parents and derive a lot of happiness from their relationships with their children. We're happy that they are happy!

In our case, we don't particularly like kids, we don't have any interest in parenting, and we don't want the responsibilities of being a parent. Neither of us want to make the sacrifices it takes, and we really value our independence, flexibility, and grown up leisure time. Perhaps that is selfish, but it's honest. And having kids isn't the only way to make the world a better place.

There are many paths to happiness. In our case it was pretty easy cause we look at the parents we know and see how their lives would make us miserable. I think for lots of people both paths could lead to happiness, in different ways.

Imagine your lives in both paths. Pick one. Leap. In this particular case, you can't have both.

We did worry about what would happen if we change our mind. Adoption is our escape hatch, but we haven't changed our mind.

Good luck. Perhaps the most important thing is that you both agree with whatever choice you make.

 

[aja8888]

It sounds like you are hearing from people that have no kids or those who raised some and all turned out like the sons on Ozzie and Harriet (the show, not the real family). It's nice to hear that all went well along the way to raising a kid to be educated, self sufficient and loving.

But, keep in mind you can end up with some challenging situations if things don't go according to plan. As a for instance, we had our oldest daughter pass away at a young age and that tragedy about mentally ruined DW and me (and our youngest daughter). It's very tough to bury your children.

I have BIL with a son and his wife that adopted a baby and the child turned out to have MS. Not a pretty picture.

Around our community, I have see multiple well educated and solid families have sons ans daughters that got into drugs at a very young age (early teens). I hope you understand what kind of issues and misery that behavior brings to a family.

Not that things like this will happen, but life is a crap shoot and no telling when things can go drastically wrong.

There are risks in having children so be prepared.